Insensitive comment from Mom, and feeling down.

MrsAtch · May 2011

Okay, I apologize in advance- I'm exhausted, and whiney, and just downright emotional. DH is working another 15 hour day so I can't whine to him. I promise dessert if you read this Smile

I called my mom this afternoon because I hadn't talked to her in a while and I wanted to see how her test went last night (she's in college). She asked how I was doing and I said pretty good but really overwhelmed and stressed at work- working too many hours and trying to keep it all together. And I told her that I'm 15 weeks today and things seem to be going okay.

To which she replied "you're actually going to be a mom this time." I was instantly hurt, and replied, "well I don't have a take home baby yet but I've thought of myself as a mom for a while now. I guess we will see if I get to bring a baby home this time."

I guess it just made everything I went through with my losses seem so trivial. I'm glad that she feels positive about this pregnancy but the way it came out was not what I needed to hear.

Both of my parents essentially told me when we got pregnant that they "didn't want to get their hopes up" (though they used different words). I guess I just hate that my history of loss has changed this whole experience for me, and that because I didn't get to bring a baby home the first two times, my family acts like it didn't mean anything. I'm just frustrated I guess.

Now, as promised: have some punch bowl dessert:

DowagerCountessofNJ · May 2011

HUGS! I'm sure your mom meant something encouraging and it just came out extremely poorly. Treat yourself to some of that dessert...you deserve it.

quezzo · May 2011

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. I would be hurt too but I think you handled it wonderfully. Did she say anything after you commented back to her or was it left at that? You're reply was perfect. It is just a shame that people who haven't had losses (I'm assuming she hasn't) don't understand how to react whatsoever, and generally put their foot in their mouth.

StephK86 · May 2011

That was insensitive of your mom. It hurts worse when someone so close to you says something like that. I am sorry huuny you are a mom already HUGS.

ewilliams1127 · May 2011

I'm so sorry! Sometimes it stings more when it comes from family, too! (((Hugs)))

P.S. Happy 15th week!

jertie · May 2011

Ouch. I'm sure she didn't mean for it to come out that way, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. And in my mind, what she said seriously dismissed your previous losses. As if, because you didn't have a take home baby doesn't make you a mom. You loved those babies from the second you saw those 2 lines - and you had dreams and hopes for them - and nurtured them as long as they were with you and you grieved deeply once they were gone - that's what mom's do. I'm really sorry that she said that to you, but good for you for standing up for yourself. ((HUGS))

BTW - Thank you for the dessert - already got strawberries and whipped cream at home, so I think I might stop at the store and pick up some angel food cake.

julesjb · May 2011

Ugh I'm sorry I get similar comments from family and friends. My BFF spent most of my 1st trimester saying things like " don't want to get our hopes up" or "let's not get ahead of ourselves". Hurt like a knife each time. ((hugs))

rvandiver0705 · May 2011

I'm sorry that her foot was lodged so far down her throat. You are a mom, and you have been since that first BFP. She loves you, and I know your losses hurt her very deeply. She just wasn't thinking, and honestly may not know how to think or how to feel.

ambs21 · May 2011

Ouch. That was insensitive, although I'm sure she meant well. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.

Thanks for the dessert! That looks delicious!

GPickles · May 2011

((big hugs)) I'm sorry you were hurt but her comments.

Thanks for the dessert

samm1983 · May 2011

I'm sorry that came out kind of insensitive. I think people mean well, but just don't know what to say. I want that dessert!

jen629 · May 2011

Awww honey {{{HUGS}}

D&D4Ever7 · May 2011

I am sorry you are feeling down. I am sure you mom didn't mean anything bad by this. I don't think it is easy for us to understand what we have and are going through. Hugs.

thank u for the dessert! Looks yummy. I want some now.

Eris-Alexis · May 2011

I'm so sorry your mom was so insensitive. I think that people just don't think before they speak and don't realize how hurtful their comments can be. ((Big HUGS))

MrsAtch · May 2011

Thank you all so much for being so wonderful. Sometimes I just need to talk to people that understand. It's frustrating because my mom has had 3 losses, so you would think she wouldn't get it- but she doesn't. I think it was just the wrong comment at a vulnerable moment for me.

I'm completely overwhelmed at work and my DH is really struggling right now. He has severe PTSD from his tour in Iraq and his new job is constantly triggering him. He knows he needs to be working to help support us and our LO, but when he has a hard day I end up feeling so guilty that he's doing this for us. (This is one of those days, he needed to call his counselor and have him walk him through a bad moment at work this morning).

Now that I've had a good cry hopefully I can get on with my night and get some stuff done. Is it the weekend yet?

ColleenS629 · May 2011

Hugs! I'm so sorry your mom said that to you.

BritanyV · May 2011

I'm so sorry for her comment!

That is exactly why my parents haven't been told yet and won't be for a while. My dad likes to say stupid crap and with my 2nd loss pg last year when we told them about the pregnancy he said something along the lines of "is this one going to be ok" and it was said snottily not nicely with concern.

Froggy76 · May 2011

Ugh, I'm sorry!

I've had similar comments made to me and it does hurt. My DH told me I'm not a mom yet before Mother's Day, and even after I explained that I am, he didn't get me a card (that's all I wanted!) Also, when I called my parents to tell them about this BFP, they said something like, "Well, let's not jump the gun!" I was actually trying to be excited and they really shot me down.

No one views our losses the same way we do, or realizes how affected we are by them. I know others don't mean any harm, but sometimes these little comments are so hurtful. ((HUGS))

Izabella22 · May 2011

Awhh I'm sorry your mom's comment was so insensitive. My dh said a similar thing on mothers day and it totally set me off. Nothing is trivial about pregnancy loss. *HUGE HUGS* I think your response was absolutely perfect though! I hope you and the jedi can have a quiet night at home while your Dh is working.

PrincessDi80 · May 2011

((hugs))

Clerk9 · May 2011

((HUGS))

It's even harder when it's your mother saying these things, isn't it? Mine also pulled the "Happy 1st Mother's Day!" thing this year & it really upset me. Of course, she had no clue.

And I'm sorry that your husband had such a stressful day on top of it. You definitely deserve that yummy dessert (hope you had some or something equally as delicious!) & I hope tomorrow is much better for both of you!!!