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Stay at Home Moms
austenreader85
member
Poll: What would make you leave?
austenreader85
member
DH's best friend is going through a separation. We're all pretty sure that it's not going to be much of a 'trial' separation. The fact is, they were never very compatible. She didn't trust how he spent money and his time and became very controlling. The more she tried to rein him in the more he rebelled. They dated for 2 years before getting married and really probably shouldn't have. As friends they're great, but as a couple they're awful.
Anyway, it's gotten DH and I talking a lot about what would make us separate. Aside from an affair, physical or emotional, we would have to just be entirely disgusted with the other person on a moral and philosophical level. As in, he becomes an axe murderer or something. To me, a one night stand indicates really big problems that need to be addressed, but it is an entirely different kind of problem than a true affair.
We talked about the concept of "falling out of love." And we both agree our marriage isn't based on love. Not to say we don't want it in our marriage, but our love has evolved so much from what it was when we first started dating. I've known many people that were honest about their feelings with their partner, addressed the issue and actually managed to "fall back in love." So to me, just leaving because I didn't think I loved him anymore wouldn't be enough. If it was clear after work that there was nothing to rebuild, nothing to endear me to him, then that would be another story. But I'd never just tell him one day "I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving." I'd at least give him and the marriage a chance to recover through constructive means.
I can say this because there was a period for a few months where I felt really unconnected to DH and just wasn't sure who we had become. We married at 19 and worked full time while going to college. I was 22 when I felt this way and in my last semester of college (which probably had a lot to do as to why I felt that way then). One day I just woke up and realized that I loved hanging out with DH as a friend but as a husband I felt he was failing and honestly didn't know if he continued if I could see us married forever. I started thinking about our future with kids (we had just bought our condo) and that maybe it would be better to end things now amicably than have things blow up 10 years from now with kids involved and after we were driven to the arms of other people etc. I didn't come out and say all that at once but over the next few months I was more honest with what I needed from DH and he worked on it, and I worked on it too. As it turns out, my attitude and behavior influenced his own (duh). And I realized that my love for him was deeper than I had realized. It wasn't always as bubbly and lovey dovey as it was when we were 19 but that the true essence of the man I married hadn't changed even though so much else had. Looking back, it wasn't that I fell out of love with DH, but that I had lost some respect and affection for him, which I think is easily mistakable.
So, just curious, what would make you leave?
ETA: I forgot about abuse. If he ever gets abusive (no reason to ever think this, which is why I forgot about it) then we are gone. If he gets help and I can be sure it won't happen again (though I'm not really sure how I could ever be truly sure of that) then I could come back.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Poll: What would make you leave?
The only thing that would make me leave would be for me to realize DH isn't the man I thought he was. There is nothing in his character that would lead me to believe he could cheat, abuse me (or DD), be deceitful etc. So if he did any of those things I would leave.
I agree with your post. I think I have fallen in and out of love with DH a few times in our 11 year marriage. You have to choose to be in love. You make a choice every day. I have had times where I thought how fun it would be to be single (I'm sure he has too) but we have such a great life together.
The only thing that would seperate us would be an affair. We believe everything else can be worked on with counseling, etc.
We talked about this before we got engaged, cause it's one of those things that should be discussed before getting married.
I think only the extremes would make me leave (ie, abuse, addictions, and/or an affair). That being said, I'd like to point out that in the abuse category, I consider negligence abuse, especially emotional negligence.
I think most things (even some of the extremes) can be worked out if both parties are willing to put forth the effort.
I've only been married 3 years, but you can bet there were times I looked at DH and wondered if I couldn't do better, if I had made a mistake, if I should leave, but ultimately I made vows and so did he, and feeling distant from him doesn't give me an out on those vows.
Aside from abuse (me or the kids) I really don't know. An affair would be devastating but I can't say for sure it would be a deal breaker. It would depend on a whole bunch of factors.
But I do agree that "falling out of love" isn't one of them. To me, if you've fallen out of love you aren't trying hard enough. People don't normally radically change over time so there must be something there you can build on.
My twins are 5! My baby is 3!
DS#2 - Allergic to Cashew, Pistachio, Kiwi
DS#3 - Allergic to Milk, Egg, Peanut, Tree Nuts and Sesame
I'm going to be honest, I have no clue. I've been with DH since we were 17 (we are about to turn 30), so we've been through a lot of ups/downs and growing pains together. We always say it would take a lot to break us up at this point, and I'm positive we've done the falling in/out of love a few times (or as we say, our connection gets stronger/weaker at times), but I just don't even know what would be the breaking point. Since (knock wood), we haven't dealt with infidelity, I don't 100% know that I'd leave if he cheated (I think a lot of it would depend on the situation and if he were 100% committed to regaining my trust, and even then I don't really know but I can't say with all certainty that I'd be out for good). I do think any kind of abuse would be a deal breaker (my dad was like an emotional ninja- I would never want me DD to be witness to that or be abused in that way, he's been dead 2+ years and it still effs with my brain). Other than that, I don't know-- and honestly I hope I never find out.
Abuse and too many people in the marriage with no one willing to kick the extras out.
My ex-H (DD#1's dad) and I married young and married because we had DD. That's not to say that we didn't love each other, but he loved himself and his needs more. And his mom. And my former best friend.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
Ditto...I used to say only the extremes but now feeling unloved, neglected, ignored, disrespected &/or uncared for w/out outright abuse it extremely hard to take--I rather be alone. I would *try* to work out any issues but both people have to want that--if my DH didn't care enough to try, I'd probably check out. I've been married almost 8yrs & have 3 kids--We've had 2 rough spots so far--we worked it out because DH cared enough to do so, if there comes a point where he doesn't I am not sure what I would do...probably hang in there for a while on the hopes he'd change--but I doubt I'd last more than a year or 2. I came from a home where my parents do not like each other & haven't for YEARS...the fight constantly & have most of my childhood. Though I am grateful on one hand they did stuck it out especially when I was a kid--but I don't want to live that life & become a bitter person like my Mom has.
dup.