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Parenting
Mother in Law oversteps her bounds over and over....
I'm getting a little impatient lately with my MIL. Since my daughter was born (she's 14 mos old now) she's been a little pissy with me because I didn't go back to work. She wanted to watch the baby. I haven't really let her watch the baby too much either because she's shocked me with how much she doesn't seem to know about babies... Even the way she held my daughter when she was born, I was constantly afraid she'd drop her. I have tried to sort of nicely advise her on how to do some things without implying she doesn't know what she's doing. She pretty much ignores me.
Well, I've been getting super weirded out by her for awhile now like she has it in her head that my daughter is her "new baby" .... she constantly buys her socks (which never fit) toys (that are rarely age-appropriate) and now she's reading this new book "What to feed your toddler" YOUR toddler??? why would she be reading this book? At my DD's age, myself and my husband will be deciding most of what she eats. The biggest problem is because she lives so close, her and my FIL drop in whenever they want without even calling. We've told them lots of times before to please call first and they will for awhile and then they'll start doing it again. wtf?????
Am I too sensitive?? I felt bad when I had to tell her that I didn't want her throwing my daughter a second birthday party just for them. But, it was weird. I'm her mom, I threw her a party with her Daddy and she kept talking about having a separate one at her house... WHY???? I told her I thought it wasn't appropriate and I didn't want anything taking away from my party because I'll only get to throw her her first party once. She said ok and seemed okay with it. But she does stuff like that all the time, like she's trying to be her second mother.... If I try to talk to her, she gets pissy and won't talk to me for weeks. I can't even go outside with my daughter without my inlaws coming out and making a huge fuss all the time. (when I say they're close, I mean next door.... ugghhh) Can i have some time alone with my kid please!!!!!!?????
What do I do? I feel like the way she is acting is instinctively making me over-protective as my role as her mommy.
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Re: Mother in Law oversteps her bounds over and over....
First you need boundaries.. Lock your door and when they come over don't answer. Peek thru the window. They will get the hint. . or open in a sexy nightgown.
How does your Dh feel about them? He needs to back you or you'll get no where
OMG. Move.
That's all I got. If you can't, then when she just pops over, say, "This isn't a good time, call us and we can plan something another day." I think if you set a time they can come over.....especially if it was a set time - say Monday mornings - then that would give them something to look forward to, and you wouldn't feel bad turning them away when they pop in.
Your H needs to do the talking. They are his parents, and it should come from him so it doesn't make you the evil DIL. Then get it in your 5-yr plan to move. It will be the best decision ever.
Some of this stuff is NBD but I imagine you're so frustrated with her that everything is bugging you. It sounds like she's okay with respecting you about the birthday so hopefully she'll be as reasonable about the other boundaries you need to set.
When they come over uninvited, don't let them in. Politely say "I'm sorry but this is not a good time. Please call before you come over next time." Repeat as needed but don't back down.
If she buys toys that are too old for your DD, you say "thanks so much, it will be so nice for her to have this when she's old enough!"
And the book thing is actually kind of sweet. She probably realizes that she needs some brushing up on her baby knowledge. I'd let that one go.
My thoughts exactly.
I think you're probably right, it is just that everything is adding up and now every little thing she does annoys me. We can't really move. The reason we're living here is we basically got this house for nothing other than the cost of fixing it up, which hasnt' been too horrible. I am eternally grateful to them for that. My husband backs me, but has a VERY hard time communicating with his parents. The dynamic is just different than I am used to. I can tell my mom anything and my MIL gets mad with any tiny criticism. She was pretty good about the birthday, though was very snooty at my party and seemed very aloof.
The book thing is just kind of weird to me. I've tried telling her about the clothing sizes (many times) but she doesn't listen to me.
I need to set boundaries, and I like the idea of not letting them in. Hubby practically pushed her out the door before when she popped in and I was on the couch breastfeeding. She tried to just walk in and DH yelled at her on the porch that she can't just come over. He gets tired of saying and them not listening. Thank you for the different ideas. I feel better that I'm not crazy but definitely realize I need to set up boundaries and let the little stuff go. Boy, did I need to vent!! I feel so much better now!!!!!!!!!!
The party thing sounds odd, but the rest is really not a big deal, IMO. She's probably reading books about what to feed her because of comments by YOU!
Maybe it depends on the type of relationship you have with your IL's when it comes to the dropping in unannounced. Is it several times a week? Once a week? My IL's are great, so I wouldn't really have issue with it unless it was excessive.
These kinds of posts make me afraid to be a MIL one day.
ETA: Actually, if I'm being honest, they make me afraid to have a DIL.
At least you realize that everything bugs you w/ her. I have the same problem w/ my IL's, to be honest!
But here's the thing- you HAVE to take a couple steps back. Focus on what the real issues are.
Let her buy whatever she wants to buy. If the clothes are too small, donate them. The toys too young? Same thing. If the toys are for an older child, then stick them away and bring them out when DD is older.
The book? On that you're kind of putting her in a lose- lose situation. You gripe that she knows so little about babies, but then she takes it upon herself to do a little reading in preparation, you're pissed at that too. And you're REALLY nit-picking over the title of the book!
While your DH backs you up, if you keep finding fault in literally everything they do, there will come a time where he's going to stop caring what you think! So be realyl careful and try to take a few steps back and figure out what the real issues are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Couldn't have said it better myself. She did raise your DH and he turned out okay. Right?
I actually havent' really made any comments to her about what she doesn't know. It's just been an issue that makes me afraid to leave my daughter alone with her. She has other anxiety issues that contribute to that because I am afraid she can't handle an emergency. I really don't gripe at her or criticize her. I am no griping over the title of the book alone, it's just that she's given me a feeling since the baby was born that she had the idea that she's be watching the baby primarily while I went back to work and she's seemed to resent me since I've stayed home with her. I absolutely love my FIL and I try very hard to love my MIL, but she is not a nice woman. She has constantly kept my husband and her own husband on egg shells because she gets mad with every little thing. She seriously gets away with doing nothing and still bitching that she has to cook dinner and it makes me cringe when she says nasty things to a husband who treats her like a queen and gets nothing in return. I am not that petty, I really am not. I've tried for many years to see eye to eye with her and I kind of gave up on that. I just want her to stop being competitive with me. I've listed the most recent issues that have occurred and have not put in here the most damaging things she's done because they are too personal, but my husband and her don't get along very well because she was mostly absent from his early childhood and it bothers me that she has criticized my every move since the baby was born when she doesn't have a clue about babies.
I think some of you are right, though, that i am so fed up with everything that I am being bothered by little things along with big things. I NEED to set boundaries. When you tell someone to call before they come over and they don't respect that you don't want drop-ins, it's frustrating. I love my mom, but my DH and I are private ppl and I wouldn't want her just dropping in whenever she wants. That is a personal preference and I think it should be respected. am i wrong???
I really liked the book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.
You're not alone with pushy inlaws. I completely understand -- I got to the point that my MIL could piss me off by saying "hi." The thing to remember -- you can't change them, you can only change how you allow them to affect you.
Add me to the list of having IL's who can do nothing and still make me upset/angry. We've had a very bad relationship in the past. But dande's right (she's very wise, you know)--you can't change them, but you can change your reaction to them. They mean well, I'm sure.
FWIW, I have anxiety and raise my children just fine.
Thank you, I'm glad that someone understands.
I felt the comment about not wanting to have a DIL in the future was a little over the top. No one is being insulting here. If my MIL respected me, I would absolutely have no problem with her. Just because parents are older, and you should respect their experience doesn't give them the right to step all over you and make you feel like you don't have the right to set up boundaries in your own house.
I will absolutely look into this book. Thank you!!
You think it was over the top? I truly am afraid of having a poor relationship with my future DILs. Obviously from the comments here, strained relationships are pretty common and the thought of having that happen to me with my sons and their wives makes me so sad.
Now, if I had said that the thought of having someone like YOU as a DIL scared me, that would have been over the top and insulting, but that is not what I said, is it?
I've had issues with my own parents and also my ILs. Honestly, I just had to get to a point where I was ok with them being upset. I knew from experience that things would eventually blow over and it wasn't the end of the world. My MIL is a little like yours where people cowtow to her because they don't want her to be sad or cry. Well while we were out visiting them, she was very much pushing our boundaries, so my husband told her she needed to back off a bit. She cried and sobbed but he didn't care. I think it was actually one of the first times in a long time that someone didn't pat her on the head and say " there, there it will be ok, we will do whatever you want us to do."
In the end everything is fine. She now respects our boundaries much more.
lets not turn this into something it's not...
Just keep in mind that the world won't explode if she gets upset. In fact, you both might welcome the break that resulted from a silent treatment episode.
You mentioned your husband is worried that she will get pissed. So what if she does? She is allowed to get upset if she wants to and you guys are allowed to ignore her hysterics if you want to also. Even if she doesn't learn the consequences of her own actions? At least you two won't have to listen to her temper tantrum.
Really what is the worst that will happen if she gets upset ? Unless she has to power to strap you two to chairs and make you listen to her tirades, what do you care ? Let her get pissed. Trust me. I used to be so afraid of upsetting my parents and my ILs until I realized there are worse things than to have them upset with me.
Thank you. Exactly my point.
I'm not snarking, but how much do you respect her? I see she has said/done things in the past. You need to work through it. Respect is a 2 way street. Also, everything is not always black and white and there are 3 sides to every story.
I have inlaw issues too.
I'm not snarking, but how much do you respect her? I see she has said/done things in the past. You need to work through it. Respect is a 2 way street. Also, everything is not always black and white and there are 3 sides to every story.
I have inlaw issues too.
I realize you aren't saying any of these things directly to her. My point about the book was just that look at what you're doing - you're "shocked" at how little she knows about babies to the point you don't trust her w/ DD, but then when she picks up a book to read about toddlers, you get in a huff over that too. Maybe not to her face, but you are backing her into a corner where literally nothing she does is ever right.
Same with your "feelings":
it's just that she's given me a feeling since the baby was born that she had the idea that she's be watching the baby primarily while I went back to work and she's seemed to resent me since I've stayed home with her
You're assigning a LOT of feelings and emotions to her that you actually don't know if they exist! You're getting worked up over stuff that you think is going on, but you actually don't know.
TRUST ME - I get that there are more issues here. I could have written a post like this about my own IL's. TRUST ME - I do get where you're coming from.
But one of the lessons that I learned personally is about being the little girl that cried wolf. my DH has many of the same frustrations w/ his parents as I do. Even now, we can talk and gripe about them together. He is absolutely on the same page as me.
But there was a point about 5 years ago where literally every little thing they did drove me up a wall. I remember being upset about something and I said something to my DH about it. It really was an issue that I felt was important, but his response was "why do you care what they think? You don't seem to like them all that much.".
MAN - that was a massive wake-up call. I was getting so caught up in the petty, little, unimportant things that my DH was just done. And I don't blame him!
I backed off, WAY off. Even if I still get annoyed at some of the petty stuff, I keep quiet and I strive REALLY hard to put it in perspective about the bigger picture of who they are and what they are like. We can still talk about them and he gets annoyed by them too - but I've learned how far I can go.
I'm just saying be careful.
And I strongly agree w/t he poster who said that the world won't end if she gets upset!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ETA: Yoda, if I'm wrong, sorry!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this, post like this make me sad to think that one day this will be my son and DIL.
I honestly see very little wrong with what your MIL is doing. The dropping by needs to stop, but that can be taken care of with a "please call before you come over." She buys your kid toys and clothes, even if they don't fit seems nice to me. Also the whole book thing is she is damned if she does and damned if she does not, she can do anything right. She raised one kid I am sure she will be fine with yours. You don't like her, I get that, but put yourself in her shoes. She raised her son and now has a DIL who does not like her and whether you act like it or not she knows, how horrible it would be to feel like that. I don't have a great relationship with my ILs too, but I have grown up a lot in the past 2 years and realized what is important. I am just so thankful that DD has three grandmothers, and two grandfathers in her life who adore her and want to make her life better.
Aaah, the trouble with accepting money and/or housing from parents and in-laws is that it then gives them power over you (or make them or you feel that the power balance in your relationship is tipped in favor of them) THat coupled with their proximity likely makes them think that "your house is their house" (which it technically may be??) and they should have full access to you and your child. Also, if they are financially supporting you/contributing to your family, this may also contribute to your MIL's opinion that you should go back to work and let her provide free daycare. That coupled with your rejection of or distaste for her gifts, may make her feel like she's an incredibly generous person and you're ungrateful.
You need to be consistent, but friendly, about what your privacy needs are, and perhaps be proactive, by taking LO over to THEIR house early in the day so they get their "Fix" and then leave you alone. You may need to regularly reiterate your needs.
Or..find a way to be financially independent of them and move.
I agree with this too!! They gave you a house, it make feel like you owe them. "A borrower slave to the lender be" is the quote I believe. If this really really bothers you maybe you do need to get your own house and stand on your own two feet. Maybe it bothers her that you SAH because they helped you out financially not because she wanted to watch your LO?
I don't have a whole lot to add other than this:
1. Your DH (not you!) needs to address this directly with MIL sooner, rather than later. You and DH can discuss privately the BASICS and keep them simple. If you mean "no coming over," then mean it and reinforce it when it's the right time to do so. Just like parenting.
2. Let her get very mad for a while - it won't kill her. In fact, you and DH should accept this now. Just like parenting!
3. I would not advise complaining to DH all the time about your MIL. See # 1.
4. I would seriously think about moving bc I have a sneaky 'feeling' you and your DH is not up to facing this woman. As my wise mother says, "Grow a set of balls."
You are going to have to stand up for your family and unite with DH and your kid. Your MIL's behavior is a precursor for things to come -- e.g. the influence of friends, teachers, boyfriends, girlfriends. I'm not saying there isn't room for compromise (like letting her sit for an hour) or acceptance of the small things (who cares what book she is reading) -- but MIL is all up in your grill and you need to deal firmly and, imo, immediately.
I don't think her grandparents throwing her birthday party is that strange. I actually think it's nice, and not intrusive, since it's not like she took over your party and made it about her.
I'm thinking maybe you're just being too sensitive to what she's doing. If she's telling you what your daughter should be eating, or giving her foods that she knows you don't want her to have, that would be a valid issue.
But, you first said "I don't think she knows that much about babies" when explaining why you don't want her to watch your DD, then complain that she's reading books about caring for DD. ???
This is exactly what I think is going on.
I agree with alot of what the other posters have said. I also think there is probebly alot of background we don't know here which is why you are upset about small things. I get that.
I also think you are in the classic first child 'no one can take care of my kid properly' phase. Trust me, have another kid in a year or two and you will get it, and be a lot more relaxed. She could probebly take care of your DD just fine, at least for an hour or two.
Question- do you ever invite your inlaws over? Have them babysit? I know your answer will be they are always around but there might be a reason for that. My mom does the drop in thing to my brother. Honestly, if she didn't she might see the kids once a month. I know that if they involved her more often she wouldn't do it. Just playing devils advocate here.
If I were you I would pick the ONE thing that bugs you the most- sounds like it is the dropping by unannounced. Have DH talk to her very clearly about it. Have a plan and stick to it. But also throw her a bone. Make weekly dinner plans or have a standing babysitting gig. Make sure to involve her in DD life frequently so she doesn't feel the need to go back to her old ways.
GL
I've read most of the posts on this page. I have problems with my MIL as well. I can see that everyone here has a good point, regardless of how appropriate that they feel your reaction/feelings about your MIL are. I am to the point where absolutely everything my MIL drives me insane.
My son is 4 months old and my MIL has been overstepping boundaries since my husband and I announced our engagement 2 years ago. What I've finally figured out is that she cannot wrap her mind around the fact that she isn't the number one woman in his life anymore. She is even worse with my son. She seems to think that when she is around, she should be the one mothering him. If I go to soothe, feed, diaper, play, or talk with my son while she is around she is offended. I had my son because I wanted to start an nuclear family with my husband and I really want to be a mother to my child. Our family is large and whenever we go to a family function, there is always someone there to help with our son. I have no problem with anyone else except for her, so I know I'm not just being unreasonably possessive of him.
As I read these posts, I realize not one of her actions in and of itself is something I should resent. It is more that her general disregard for my role as a wife and mother upsets me. She calls my son her baby. She doesn't let anyone else in the family hold him, not even my FIL.
I am of the opinion that I should allow my son to be loved by his family and I don't want to take anything away from him. But I am also of the opinion that we shouldn't walk on eggshells around one person in the family. No one ever says anything to her because they don't want to hurt her feelings. In the meantime, she says and does whatever she wants without considering anyone else.
My husband and I know we need to do and say something, but we are at a loss of how to approach her without totally alienating her. I just want her to act like a grandmother and realize that my husband and I are willng and able to parent our son, even when she is around...and that the rest of our family is just as imporatant in his life as she is.