- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Pregnant after a Loss
JillianAshley6: StaceyM06: Sarahbear621:I'm sick of people telling me the scary time is over now that I'm out of my first trimester. The scary time is never over. I have had several friends experience late losses so as someone who has miscarried in the first tri before. Yes i would rather m/s in my first tri again then birth a baby who won't ever take a breathe as some of them have. I just want to speed up and have my little one here. Sorry to be a debbie downer. ITA. I find it annoying when people tell me I'm safe or my odds are low. It doesn't mean a damn thing when you've been that 1-2% before or know several people who have. Those people are just trying to reassure you. I understand you (or someone you know) might have been through something hard before-we've all been there. But they are just trying to be reassuring and supportive.What would you rather them say? "Sure I understand why you are freaked out! I know all these people who have lost their babies after the first tri, so I would be freaked too!"
Maybe that is what some people want to hear-maybe that is reassuring to some. But I would never say that to someone-especially someone who isn't a close friend. My reaction would be something to the effect of "try not to worry so much-you're much more likely to carry a healthy baby to term after 13 weeks...lets focus on the fun stuff-when do you find out what you are having?!"
Am I overreacting? BMB mentioned
I started posting on my BMB last week and I'm already pissed off about the below response to one of my posts. It was one of those "post your complaints" posts. Am I overreacting?
JillianAshley6: StaceyM06: Sarahbear621:I'm sick of people telling me the scary time is over now that I'm out of my first trimester. The scary time is never over. I have had several friends experience late losses so as someone who has miscarried in the first tri before. Yes i would rather m/s in my first tri again then birth a baby who won't ever take a breathe as some of them have. I just want to speed up and have my little one here. Sorry to be a debbie downer. ITA. I find it annoying when people tell me I'm safe or my odds are low. It doesn't mean a damn thing when you've been that 1-2% before or know several people who have. Those people are just trying to reassure you. I understand you (or someone you know) might have been through something hard before-we've all been there. But they are just trying to be reassuring and supportive.What would you rather them say? "Sure I understand why you are freaked out! I know all these people who have lost their babies after the first tri, so I would be freaked too!" Maybe that is what some people want to hear-maybe that is reassuring to some. But I would never say that to someone-especially someone who isn't a close friend. My reaction would be something to the effect of "try not to worry so much-you're much more likely to carry a healthy baby to term after 13 weeks...lets focus on the fun stuff-when do you find out what you are having?!"
Give people a bit of a break. Most don't know how to act when people have had miscarriages/losses. They're probably doing the best they can.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I overreacting? BMB mentioned
Hmm, I am certainly annoyed reading it. It's their own fault if people don't know how to act about loss. They should learn to be more sensitive.
I had one friend tell when I was 14 weeks "Oh, you're past the danger point" when she knew my loss was at 20 weeks. I very civilly reminded her that I wasn't really past that point yet for me and I could tell she realized she had misspoken. I think the appropriate reaction might be something like "I'm glad all is going well so far [if that's true]. I know it's scary, but I hope all continues to go well." Not that complicated or hard to say.
BFP 1: 3/19/10 Loss: 7/9/10
BFP 2: 12/28/10
My Blog: Losing Sylvia
I hope you won't be mad at me, but I think you are overreacting. Sure, we all know that anything can happen at anytime. And every one of us here will be nervous until we have a baby in our arms. But most people don't understand that fear and it's a lot to expect of people to know the right thing to say. And for everyone, the "right" thing to say is different.
The fact is that we need to try to relax and enjoy our pregnancies as much as possible. Chances are good that you're going to have a healthy baby in November.
I am kind of in the middle on this. I understand how it can be annoying when people say insensitive things (like the PP mentioned) but I think if someone isn't trying to hurt me and just made a mistake, I wouldn't hold it against them. I think sometimes we PGALs have a little bit of tunnel vision. We think about our losses and we worry about our LOs everyday. I think WE could be a little more senstive as well and understand that not everyone deals with this everyday. If a person is honestly just trying to help, I don't see the point in getting angry with them.
That being said, I do completely understand that it can be frustrating when everyone around you is saying the wrong thing ("just think positive", "stop stressing so much", "it was God's plan", "everything will be fine.", etc. etc. etc.)
My advice is smile and thank them for their support and then don't use those people as sounding boards in the future. Find your people who get it. I have had a couple of people say the best things ever and now I know I can talk to them if I need to. Also, stick with PGAL...BMBs make me crazy.
BFP 1: 3/19/10 Loss: 7/9/10
BFP 2: 12/28/10
My Blog: Losing Sylvia
Well, you haven't replied to your own post, so you haven't overreacted...yet. I think it's fine to still have that fear. I know I still do, but in order to combat that, I am actually counting on my friends to say things that are reassuring to me. The odds are in your favor, even thought no one is guaranteed a 100% healthy pregnancy outcome.
It is really, really difficult to experience a loss and then to move forward and become PGAL. Most people will never understand all that you have been through and what you are currently going through. That's why we have to have that positive mantra, "Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby." PGALers deserve to be hopeful too. Yes, that's correct, you deserve and have the right to be hopeful for a positive outcome.
PGAL will help get you through the rough spots. I can't always do my BMB discussions. There are a lot of women out there looking at life through rose colored glasses, and some days I really wish I could do that, but I can't. I am forever robbed of that experience.
ETA: I can be a sensitive person, and I do think that what she said had a little bit of snark...the whole "what would you rather people say" thing. I can see how it would rub some the wrong way.
BFP 12/05/10 (EDD 8/8/11), empty gestational sac 12/31/10, natural miscarriage 01/05/11
BFP 03/03/11, EDD 11/09/11, We love you so much already, our sweet little munchkin!!!
*Congrats to buddies MrsAtch, cflocco, MommyandKate, luckylady55, opallover, trishiepoo, stephsteph77, and Pachita! Praying for healthy babies for all of you!*
*Congrats to my buddy, Izabella22 (BFP 5/11/11)!!!Sending you Ts and Ps for a healthy, take-home baby!
*Congrats to my buddy, myaddiwaddi06(BFP 10/31/11)!!!Sending you Ts and Ps for a healthy, take-home baby!
i agree x 1000. I really can't stand it when the granola natural birth people get into the discussions and discourage testing/ultrasounds and medical intervention in general. After being anxious about conceiving and carrying a baby for the last year, I certainly don't need things to go wrong at the last minute and ruin everything.
Thank you ladies for your perspective. I respect all of you and agree with lots of what you said. I am not as upset as I was when I originally saw this response to my post, but I'll admit that it still irks me a bit. I believe I really took it personally when she told me to "give people a break" because she doesn't know me, doesn't know my situation, and doesn't know the people I'm referring to. FWIW, the women telling me to "not worry," "buck up," and that "I'm safe" are my aunts who are aware of my past experiences, but have not been supportive. Their statements of "support" have come across very condescending to me so it's not surprising that this poster's response also came across the same way to me.
I may avoid my BMB for a bit especially since I know the upcoming gender disappointment posts are going to offend me.
OMG, I could never be mad at you! : )
Awww... shucks!
I think that the PPs hit the nail on the head. I would probably let that post slide by....there's much better drama afoot on the BMBs than that
I do think that the BMBs and PGAL serve two very different purposes. Here, people "get it" and will never say "calm down, you're out of the danger zone". The BMBs do come in handy for when you want to compare symptoms or stories or people who are curently in the same boat (gestationally speaking). There's going to be certain "seasons" on the BMBs that will want to make you smack your head against the wall:
-telling on FB before the pee is dry/setting up the nursery at 7w
-gender dissappointment
-baby shower dissappointment
The BMBs do get better as time goes on, but they will always maintain their rose colored glasses appeal. Depending on the mood you're in on a particular day, you may find yourself on the BMB more or on PGAL more.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12