- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
Bothersome DH comment (vent, long)
My husband was leaving for work this morning early. I asked why he was leaving so early if he doesn't have that much work to do. (He gave notice and this is his last week. He has almost no work to do or meetings to attend). Just last night he had commented how he may as well go in late and leave early, which I totally agree with of course! Anyway, after I asked him why he was leaving so early, he got angry and then pointed out that whenever he leaves early for anything (as in unusually early, not just trying to be prompt), I say something to him and that I clearly resent him for leaving when I am "stuck home with the kids" and if that is the case, maybe I should go back to work.
This has come up before (and I'm pretty sure I've posted about similar stuff here). I think there is some sort of resentment on my part but I'm not sure it is simply because I stay home. I think it's sort of like the freedom that my husband has that I do not have. He basically can come/go as he pleases. He rarely checks with me before makign plans in the evening (to have drinks/dinner for networking, etc). On weekends he is around most of the time, he is not out golfing all day or anything like that. But, for me to even run to the store for 5 min by myself, I need to make sure he is here and able to watch the kids. Our worlds are totally different in this way. On the one hand, he obviously doesn't really want to go to work, but he has to, to support us. On the other, I guess I feel like he doesn't even really understand where I'm comign from when I tell him that I have no freedom and I have to check with him on everything and he doesn't extend the same courtesy. Hence his comment, which I think was insensitive in itself.
So, anyone in this situation? I do not like the idea of going back to work because I am simply resentful of his freedom. That seems like an easy-out and does not solve the real problem. But I'm not sure what the real problem is or how I address it. I need to work through this, but also I feel like he needs to be more sensitive to me and my feelings. Sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted and acts as if I'm the full-time babysitter. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bothersome DH comment (vent, long)
I totally understand where you are coming from. This is what I struggle with the most too. I hate that I feel like the kids are mostly my responsibility and he just assumes that I watch them whenever he has something going on. Besides working a very full time job my Dh also refs basketball on the side and this is really starting to become a problem because that means hes gone all day and then for a few hours at night for the games. He says well I did it before we were married and you knew I loved to do this and I say yes but before I could go out and do things while you were at games now Im just stuck in the house even more! So frustrating!
His "freedom" is definetly what I resent the most. I love being home with my kids but it would be nice to go through the day without being "connected" to two little needy beings all day.
Sorry the whole I can suggest is just leaving and not saying when youll be back and taking some time for yourself.
My SAHM friend and I were just talking about this last night. Yes, I love being home and feel so blessed and lucky to be able to do it. However, DH just does not understand why I don't like it when he golfs until 8:30 at night when he leaves for work at 5:30 am. He doesn't come home after work before golf, just goes straight to the course, so he is gone for 15 hours when he goes golfing. He justifies it by saying he has only golfed six times so far this year (over the past couple months, so it really isnt' that often) and that is only 24 hours total. Yes, however, it is a very long day for me to take care of DD, especially this far along in pregnancy, and it will be even harder with a newborn. I told him I just need lots of support right now. Plus I feel like I don't ever do anything without DD, and just because he works at a job doesn't mean he should have more time to relax and do things he wants to do. What I do is a job too, and I have to ask him to keep DD if I want to do something.
I told him my mom and I are getting pedicures this Saturday and asked if he would keep her for an hour or two, and he says something like, "No way. You can't be gone that long. You don't even want to spend time with us." He was mocking me because that is his perception of what I say to him about golfing. It is just so frustrating. Also, he makes me feel guilty about saying anything about him doing things without us by telling me he loves to spend time with DD and that he would love to stay home with her and that I should also love it and appreciate it and not complain about him not being there. The whole situation is frustrating and I hate it.
My Blog
I think I would talk to him and try to express yourself without getting to worked up. I would also ask him how he would feel in this situation.
My DH does leave for work a bit early sometimes. Just a few minutes so he can have time to wind down and prepare for his day once there.I'm 100% ok with this and never ask because I understand he needs to go from dad and husband mode to boss mode since he is a manager figure.
But on his days off or after work he never does this. We both ask the other just to make sure we take the others feelings or need into consideration. We are both the parents and so we both have to be responsible for our LO's. And we BOTH need time alone, for date nights, and family time so we tend to schedule things in advance, this makes it fair and we both know what the other needs. He lets me know if he wants to go do something and I let him know so we can both plan. Of course if something came up last minute I would not mind him going more then likely, but he still lets me know and makes sure I'm ok with it. It is just a common courtesy.
I definitely understand your frustration at his "freedom". I have no issues with being at home with the kids, but I'd like to walk out the door someday without needing to arrange childcare. When I make appointments I have to plan it for when DD#1 is home or if it needs to be during the morning or early afternoon, I have to clear it with DH a week in advance so they can hang with him or he can have him mom watch them. He doesn't make after work plans without asking me about it though and he always lets me know when he'll be home really late.
I agree that he needs to be a little more sensitive to your situation. I don't think you're being resentful of his freedom, I think he'd feel the same way if the situations were reversed.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
Thanks poppy. And all. It is nice to hear that I am not alone in this feeling. I think our common thread is the loss of freedom. It's just not the same when you are home full time. When I re-read my post, it sounds kind of whiny. I am very grateful to be home full time. And I'm very grateful for some of my husband's other qualities. This weekend I spent a bunch of money on things for the house and some clothes for both of us. This was out of the norm for me, but he was cool with it and didn't give me a hard time about the unplanned spending.
But yeah, I feel like partially I just need to deal, and partially he needs to be more sensitive to the situation I am in. As for pursuing my own interests, I always need to work on that more. I have made a new pact with myself to get out at least once every 2 weeks for a movie, shopping, dinner with a friend, whatever. This is in addition to any errands or whatever I do on the weekend by myself (these aren't necessarily scheduled).
I totally understand about your husband's schedule + golf. That is just tough. My husband works a lot too, and then he goes out at least once night a week for networking, biz meetings, whatever. Ugh.
get a sitter and go out alone and talk it out. you need to communicate more. he resents your staying home he has stress of financial security and you are bored and lonely for outside stimulation?
talk to each other don't let it fester
You are not alone! I'm resentful of the freedom that my DH has, no question. He does what he wants when he wants. He doesn't go out a lot, but he does work out when he wants, does his yardwork when he wants, takes a shower when he wants, etc. All the usual things that men can do without even thinking about it. My schedule on the weekends totally revolves around what he has to do (mainly yardwork, so it gets really bad around this time of year) because the kids are my responsbility. It's a constant battle for us. I know that he's resentful of the fact that I get to stay home because he's miserable at his job. And he thinks because I stay home, I have more flexibility when it comes to cleaning, running errands, etc. Like I can do them whenever I want because I'm not tied to my desk. What he doesn't realize is that I'm tied to 3 kids and that's 100 times harder!
We go round and round about it with no resolution. Sorry I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think it's just going to be this way until either I go back to work or the kids get old enough so that it's not such an issue to get things done with them around.
It sounds like you need to stand up and get some time alone. Make a date with yourself to do what you want. Tell him you need him home on a certain day/night and just go.
Have you told him that you would like more freedom to do stuff?
I do feel that childcare is my responsibility. Whether that's me watching the kids, me making sure DH will be able to watch the kids, me arranging preschool, me arranging a babysitter... it's on me to make sure they are taken care of.
But for DH, he knows that my job as SAHM ends when he comes home. So if he's out late, then I'm working late too. And I do not think it's unreasonable to be forewarned if DH has to leave early or stay late. It lets me plan my day better.
I also don't think it's unreasonable to sign up for an evening class (college class, crafty class, whatever) or event yourself and tell DH when he needs to be there to keep the kids.
my first husband and I had these issues. My current is all about me taking care of myself. #1 was angry and resentful and our communication sucked he would not "let me" do anything. Eventually we separated after he got mean to the kids.
Important thing in a good marriage like I have with #2 is talking. Tell him you need time on Sat from 2-4 to do ?? or make it a weekly thing. Or you need an hour each night from 7-8 to do?? shower whatever you need him to step up and help you so you can get things done. It is through communication with your sweetie that he will know you can't get xyz done because the kids are tough. Have him spend a couple hours alone with them each week to get the picture.
But it should not be that you are the primary caregiver and just deal with it that is how #1 and I messed up. Then again he was never a good daddy type.
Start the conversation knowing he does so much. He works hard and is a great provider. But it is hard for you to get time with the kids to do what you need to get done. You can suggest that quality time he needs with them to bond.
good luck.
My first thought is to tell you to get a PT job that requires him to leave work on time, pick up the kids from the sitter, make and feed them dinner, and put them to bed 2-3 days a week. Maybe you could even work the occasional weekend. Oh, and I would expect that he would pick up an additional share of the laundry and housework too. If he thinks things are tough on him with you SAH, they could be much, much harder.