Small vent re: pregnancy announcement

nikkig7 · May 2011

I need to get this off my chest, and hopefully you ladies will understand! I am 10 weeks pregnant and am very thankful to the Lord for this blessing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I could never thank Him enough for this gift. Let me give you some background - my baby sister just turned 19 in September and is engaged to a man that is 31 or 32 much to my father's chagrin. She dropped out of college and just got a job at a bookstore. She has no health insurance nor does her fiance. I announced that I am pregnant the week before Easter. She tells me today that she is six weeks pregnant. It just aggravates me in a way because I feel like I have always done things the way I am supposed to. Education, then marriage, then baby and she is doing it the opposite way and I am now sharing this time with her.

I know it is silly and selfish of me to feel this way and I have prayed about it and feel better. I know that God has a plan and I am in no position to question that plan. I also know that anything good I have ever done comes directly from the Lord and not myself and I have no right to look down on anyone else. It just kind of let the wind out of my sails a little bit because I was so excited to give my dad his first grandchild, etc and now I have to share this time.

Silly, I know. Please don't flame me! Just wanted to vent and I am glad you ladies are here to listen. Thanks and God Bless!

Xmen mommy · May 2011

I understand how you are feeling, but just from personal experience it is FANTASTIC to have someone to share this experience with. I currently have 3 boys and we are expecting our 4th child.. my first I was alone, young, not married, in grade 12 and although my friends were supportive they just didn't understand. However, with my 2nd, one of my really good friends was pregnant with me.. just 5 weeks behind my due date! It was wonderful to have a friend to do all those things with! Then with my 3rd, my BFF was pregnant this time our due dates were only 2 weeks apart. I can't even describe to you how wonderful it was to be able to hang out and be able to talk about how our pregnancies were going, go shopping, we even did ultrasounds together! Plus your little ones will have a playmate that is very close in age! Don't think of it as her taking away your thunder, or 1st grandchild ranking but more like a great way to become even closer as sisters!

boondew13 · May 2011

i would love my sister and I to be pregnant together...

acalan13 · May 2011

I understand. I have a friend with a sister that is like that. A non-rule follower. Some of us are, but some are not. There is nothing you can do to change it, so try to be happy for her and be thankful that your baby will have a cousin a month apart! In the end, it will be a blessing. Your sister just has to grow up. In time, she will.

KMZ1983 · May 2011

I understand.

My step-sister was always the one who did things out of order, got into trouble, and needed to be bailed out by our parents. I felt like I always did things the way we were taught and that I was in the shadows because all their time and attention had to be there to help get her out of a situation.

I agree that it may be good to have someone go through the experience with you, but just make sure she does not take away any of the shine from you, your family, and this blessing!

MChapman20 · May 2011

I completely understand I am the oldest grandchild other than my brother (who will probably never marry or have children) and I feel it is my right to have the first great grandchild for my grandfather and it was very important to me that we have a child while he is still with us since both my father and my husbands father have passed years ago. If any of my non married cousins took that away from us I would be very upset. I know it's selfish but its hard to help how we feel sometimes!

lala1608 · May 2011

My sister and I are both pregnant and we are thrilled to be sharing this time together. Oh and she is not married and is still in school. I also had my first son before I was married and never married his father because I didn't want to. I wasn't aware that there was a way I was "supposed to" be doing things. I did things MY way and my life is amazing.

Ricola · May 2011

Man, it must be hard to be your sister. She can't do anything right, can she?

She "deserves" this as much as you do, no matter if she is married or not or if her fiance is 10 years older or not. Who are you to decide how she should live her life? Just try to be happy for her and to have someone who you can share this time with, and if you can't be happy, at least try to not put her down.

CamJack mom · May 2011

I guess I would not bode well as your sister. I got pg first, then got married while still in college and now DH and I are on #3. SIL and BIL did everything right. Married first, traveled the world, finished college, then started having kids. When we got pg with #2, she was pg with #1 just 4 weeks ahead of me. You know what WE LOVED IT!!! We got to experience pg together and our boys are the best of friends. Please remember that your sister's pg has nothing to do with yours.

I understand that this is a vent, but try to think of the many emotions your sister is feeling being underemployed, no insurance and is now pg. Take this time to be a good big sister, I promise this will not put a damper on your experience.

kmn3 · May 2011

It's cool you and your sister can share the experience and your kids will grow up together. I TOTALLY get where you're coming from though. I'm the second oldest grandchild in the family. My baby's not too exciting for many family members except my immediate family because most of my unwed cousins have multiple babies.

You're right though, you did things right! Just remember that!

tosh24 · May 2011

This hits a bit of a nerve for me today. I got pg with DD 4 months before I was supposed to move in with DH (my then BF). We had planned on getting married the following summer, and got a little surprise instead. I was a university graduate with a good degree, DH is an enginner who had a good job and already owned his own home. So we did things a little backwards - my life turned out more amazing than I ever could have imagined.

Apparently, I still have family members who feel like you, because when discussing my sister's upcoming wedding last night (the sister who did everything right and in the "proper" order), my mom proceeded to tell me what an inconvenience I was to everybody, having a quick wedding and then a baby Confused .

Your sister is likely quite aware that she's not following the traditional path....try to be happy and supportive of her, because those feelings of being "second rate" and knowing that people are not as happy for her as they will be with a family member who does things the "right" way, stay with a person for a long time. Trust me.

domesticatedhuman · May 2011

I can sympathize with the OP. I have busted my balls all my life, doing nothing but working hard and trying to do the best I can. I was always the responsible one, only one to graduate high school, only one to have "real" jobs, only one to make good money.

And yet, my younger sister (who I do not get along with at all anyways) coasts by in life and ends up hooking up with a guy with loads of money. Quits her jobs whenever she feels like it, is just rude and uncomfortable to be around and very entitled.

The thing is that we are such different people that we will never really get along, and I am glad that stuff has come to her easily as I don't believe she would have been able to make it in this world otherwise. We both have very different paths, moulding us into the people we are today - and I love who I am. So I guess I wouldn't really want it any other way. I still have those feelings of resentment, which is something I am never going to get over because of our extremely complicated family dynamic, but she is just doing her own thing and enjoys her life the way it is too. So I guess we both lucked out

Just like you and your sister - you are both lucky to be experiencing this and neither of you is taking away from the other. This is the beginning of your own family now, and you don't need the sole attention of others to get through. It sounds like you have realized that and I am glad that you are coming to terms with it. Good luck, as this is now a lifelong situation and I am sure in a few years you will be wondering why it upset you in the first place

nikkig7 · May 2011

Thank you to all who replied! I am already feeling much more at peace with the situation. It is great to know that there are others who understand my feelings and my reactions. Like many of you have said, this will end up being a wonderful thing and I am glad my LO will have a cousin so close in age. No matter what I love my little sister, even if her decisions are not ones I would have made for myself. For those who don't understand (and even ones who said things that were slightly rude), I see what you are saying. I know that you can see things from her side and I appreciate your insight into that. However, I am definitely entitled to feel however I feel and I don't think that makes me a bad person. I think it makes me human. I would never say anything to hurt my sister and since our mother was not in the picture and I helped raise her, I will continue to be the emotional support system for her that I always have been. I wish she had some schooling for her own sake but I cannot change that, I can only hope for a bright future for her. I know that no matter what, my DH and I have all the love that our child will be able to handle and I know that my sister having a baby won't change that. It doesn't completely take away the sting but it does make me feel much better. I am not one to question God's plan and I won't. Thank you again for replying. Many of you made me feel so much better about the situation and I appreciate that! Hugs!

nikkig7 · May 2011

Ricola:

Man, it must be hard to be your sister. She can't do anything right, can she?

She "deserves" this as much as you do, no matter if she is married or not or if her fiance is 10 years older or not. Who are you to decide how she should live her life? Just try to be happy for her and to have someone who you can share this time with, and if you can't be happy, at least try to not put her down.

I don't think you actually read my post before you got mad and responded because I addressed every thing you accused me of in your post. I think it is probably a good idea to read things through before responding. Also I never said she did not "deserve" this. Thanks though.

DubsWifey · May 2011

That def would bother me also..but what can you do? I guess just lover her anyways..I must say it is always nice to read your posts and see another christian lady giving the praise and glory where it is deserved!

Ricola · May 2011

nikkig7:
Ricola:

Man, it must be hard to be your sister. She can't do anything right, can she?

She "deserves" this as much as you do, no matter if she is married or not or if her fiance is 10 years older or not. Who are you to decide how she should live her life? Just try to be happy for her and to have someone who you can share this time with, and if you can't be happy, at least try to not put her down.

I don't think you actually read my post before you got mad and responded because I addressed every thing you accused me of in your post. I think it is probably a good idea to read things through before responding. Also I never said she did not "deserve" this. Thanks though.

I did read your post, but thank you for the "good idea". I did not get mad, but replied to your thread with my honest opinion. Sorry that you don't like it. I really don't understand why you think that the way you decided to live your life is the only right one.

nikkig7 · May 2011

Ricola:
nikkig7:
Ricola:

Man, it must be hard to be your sister. She can't do anything right, can she?

She "deserves" this as much as you do, no matter if she is married or not or if her fiance is 10 years older or not. Who are you to decide how she should live her life? Just try to be happy for her and to have someone who you can share this time with, and if you can't be happy, at least try to not put her down.

I don't think you actually read my post before you got mad and responded because I addressed every thing you accused me of in your post. I think it is probably a good idea to read things through before responding. Also I never said she did not "deserve" this. Thanks though.

I did read your post, but thank you for the "good idea". I did not get mad, but replied to your thread with my honest opinion. Sorry that you don't like it. I really don't understand why you think that the way you decided to live your life is the only right one.

Oh ok, cause it still doesn't seem like you did read my post. I am thankful for your honest opinion but I honestly think you are being a little judgy about something that I clarified in my original post.

" I know it is silly and selfish of me to feel this way and I have prayed about it and feel better. I know that God has a plan and I am in no position to question that plan. I also know that anything good I have ever done comes directly from the Lord and not myself and I have no right to look down on anyone else. It just kind of let the wind out of my sails a little bit because I was so excited to give my dad his first grandchild, etc and now I have to share this time."

So thanks again for your input but this board is not for others to project their own issues on each other or judge people for being honest about their feelings. You have every right to have an opinion, but then again, so do I.

JoAnna914 · May 2011

Nikki,

I am the oldest of three sisters, and I've been the one to do everything the "right" way. My younger sister at one time many years ago, like your sister, made a number of decisions that put her in a less advantagous position in life, and my family rallied on quite a few occassions to bail her out. During these times, I made many sacrafices in order to contribute to the cause. My sister had her daughter a good ten years before I will have even my first at a time when she had no money, was in a bad relationship, and could barely take care of herself. I was resentful of that for a long time because I did not feel I could have a family until I was financially able to hold my own, and here she was doing whatever she wanted, but getting all of the things I wanted and was working so hard for.

Can I just tell you how much I regret having wasted my energy feeling that way? My sister, as yours probably does, KNEW she is in over her head. She was scared. She was desparate. She needed our help. She needed no reminders that she was ill-equipped to handle all that was coming her way. To this day, I know she carries some shame for the choices she made over a decade ago. And it breaks my heart now knowing that in at least some small way, I contributed to her shame because I did not disguise my anger.

Another thing: there is TIME for your sister to learn and grow. My sister is many years past her bad choices, and she really turned things around. She is a great mom, and a stellar employee and professional now, and remarried to a wonderful man who has adopted my niece (who now has a little brother, too!) And we are great friends, despite the years of strain between us. She has been a source of support and information for me during my pregnancy, and I try to return the favor by advising her on areas of her life she continues to improve.

Don't do what I did; don't punish your sister, and don't turn this into a competition. I am not suggesting that you support everything she does (as much as I love my sister, there are things she did that I will never approve of . . . and she doesn't either, now, lol), but give her love and an ear to listen whenever you can. And take comfort in the fact that since you've done things the "right" way, you will never ever have to feel the fear and uncertainty that your sister is probably enduring right now.

Ricola · May 2011

nikkig7:

Oh ok, cause it still doesn't seem like you did read my post. I am thankful for your honest opinion but I honestly think you are being a little judgy about something that I clarified in my original post.

" I know it is silly and selfish of me to feel this way and I have prayed about it and feel better. I know that God has a plan and I am in no position to question that plan. I also know that anything good I have ever done comes directly from the Lord and not myself and I have no right to look down on anyone else. It just kind of let the wind out of my sails a little bit because I was so excited to give my dad his first grandchild, etc and now I have to share this time."

So thanks again for your input but this board is not for others to project their own issues on each other or judge people for being honest about their feelings. You have every right to have an opinion, but then again, so do I.

So what issues do you suggest I have?

You can be honest about your feelings, but if you post this on a public message board, you have to live with the fact that not everybody might agree with you. As you said, I am just stating my opinion, but I can absolutely agree to disagree and have no problem with others thinking differently than I do.

nikkig7 · May 2011

JoAnna914:

Nikki,

I am the oldest of three sisters, and I've been the one to do everything the "right" way. My younger sister at one time many years ago, like your sister, made a number of decisions that put her in a less advantagous position in life, and my family rallied on quite a few occassions to bail her out. During these times, I made many sacrafices in order to contribute to the cause. My sister had her daughter a good ten years before I will have even my first at a time when she had no money, was in a bad relationship, and could barely take care of herself. I was resentful of that for a long time because I did not feel I could have a family until I was financially able to hold my own, and here she was doing whatever she wanted, but getting all of the things I wanted and was working so hard for.

Can I just tell you how much I regret having wasted my energy feeling that way? My sister, as yours probably does, KNEW she is in over her head. She was scared. She was desparate. She needed our help. She needed no reminders that she was ill-equipped to handle all that was coming her way. To this day, I know she carries some shame for the choices she made over a decade ago. And it breaks my heart now knowing that in at least some small way, I contributed to her shame because I did not disguise my anger.

Another thing: there is TIME for your sister to learn and grow. My sister is many years past her bad choices, and she really turned things around. She is a great mom, and a stellar employee and professional now, and remarried to a wonderful man who has adopted my niece (who now has a little brother, too!) And we are great friends, despite the years of strain between us. She has been a source of support and information for me during my pregnancy, and I try to return the favor by advising her on areas of her life she continues to improve.

Don't do what I did; don't punish your sister, and don't turn this into a competition. I am not suggesting that you support everything she does (as much as I love my sister, there are things she did that I will never approve of . . . and she doesn't either, now, lol), but give her love and an ear to listen whenever you can. And take comfort in the fact that since you've done things the "right" way, you will never ever have to feel the fear and uncertainty that your sister is probably enduring right now.

Thank you so much JoAnna ~ what a wonderful post that I definitely needed to read. When I first heard the news, I must admit, my feelings were not good. But after lots of thought, prayer, and reading the input from the wonderful ladies of the bump, I know that even if her choices are not what I would have made for myself, she is my sister nonetheless and I love her very much. I will definitely be mindful not to hurt her because I do not want to cause her pain. Thank you again and to everyone else who gave feedback!

nikkig7 · May 2011

Ricola:
nikkig7:

Oh ok, cause it still doesn't seem like you did read my post. I am thankful for your honest opinion but I honestly think you are being a little judgy about something that I clarified in my original post.

" I know it is silly and selfish of me to feel this way and I have prayed about it and feel better. I know that God has a plan and I am in no position to question that plan. I also know that anything good I have ever done comes directly from the Lord and not myself and I have no right to look down on anyone else. It just kind of let the wind out of my sails a little bit because I was so excited to give my dad his first grandchild, etc and now I have to share this time."

So thanks again for your input but this board is not for others to project their own issues on each other or judge people for being honest about their feelings. You have every right to have an opinion, but then again, so do I.

So what issues do you suggest I have?

You can be honest about your feelings, but if you post this on a public message board, you have to live with the fact that not everybody might agree with you. As you said, I am just stating my opinion, but I can absolutely agree to disagree and have no problem with others thinking differently than I do.

The statement was in general ~ I do not know you, how could I know if you have issues. I do feel that you were being unfair because I explained in my original post that I do not feel that this was the "right" way to feel and I know better, it was just my first reaction. As you can see from the replies, many others have felt the same way. In no way do I think I am "better" or that she doesn't "deserve" to have a baby. I think that was clear in my post, yet I am sorry if you took offense to it. As far as agreeing to disagree- fair enough! That is definitely the adult thing to do.

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