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Parenting after 35
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Peeper!
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Re: Peeper!
Thanks
I'm OK mostly but intermittently a wreck. Friday I was totally cool with it all and completely together. Oddly, I feel progressively worse rather than better. I had a manual uterine aspiration on Friday and still no bleeding, no cramping, nothing. I have no idea what my body is up to or what to expect.
Ada threw the worst tantrum I have ever seen when we left the park today. You would think someone was tearing her arms off. After about 10 minutes in the car of her screaming I yelled at her. I felt like sh!t, pulled the car over and sobbed with her and then spent the rest of the night trying to make it up to her. My poor, poor heart. She only wanted a stroller! It's not her fault I'm a hormonal disaster. Makes me feel like maybe I don't deserve a second baby. Ugh. This sucks.
Oh Monica!!
Please don't EVER think that you don't deserve another baby!! My goodness, no!!! You are an AMAZING mother. AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING.
I suffered a missed m/c before I had Sabrina. I had to have a d&c 5 weeks after finding out I was pg. Those were THE DARKEST days of my life- no sugar coating it. There are going to be good days and bad days. It's pretty much a given. You lost something you wanted so dearly and for no good reason. And believe me, there is NO REASON it happened. It just does. And it sucks and it's insanely unfair.
But you have Ada and she, lucky girl that she is, has you!
::huge hugs::
click the pic (blog)
I have been thinking of you every day. How long can it be before your body is back to normal?
I've done the same thing with Sienna & felt the same way. I cried & totally thought that's why God wasn't giving me another baby, because I wasn't a good mommy. But God doesn't expect us to be perfect mommy's all the time. Heck we still all have the terrible two's & three's to get through & you know there's going to be alot more tantrums. We are going to lose our patience & that doesn't make us bad mommy's or less deserving.
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement. It helps a lot. XOXO
I know the thought process is totally irrational and I have long moments of apparent clarity to balance it out. It's a process and I know I'll move through it and I know I'll be OK at the end of it. The moving through is just...I don't know what I expected - it's confusing to not know what my body is doing and to be so heavily impacted by my emotions or hormones or whatever is happening.
My heart breaks thinking that you're thinking, even for a second, that you don't deserve another baby. I really, really hope you don't honestly feel that way; that you know that none of us are perfect and, in fact, most of us are far from perfect.
I was telling a childless friend the other day that I feel like a failure at least once a day, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She just doesn't understand how easy it is to feel like one slipped swear word, or one forceful "no" that results in tears or an extra grumble or yell whilst wrestling into the car seat can make you feel like Joan Crawford.
We've all been there and we all know what a fantastic mama you are to Ada.
Hugs, girl!
My Blog
I have read parts of your blog earlier and made a mental note on how insightful your posts were and that you must be a fantastic mother to Ada. I have been a mother most of my life but some of your ideas were eye-opening for me.
Sorry again for your loss. I was in the same boat a few months before I got preg. with Erin.
Oh, Monica!
With my losses, I was kind of the same way. I felt like the universe was trying to tell me to stop trying, or I was somehow not good enough, or even that I was a bad person whenever I found myself feeling perfectly fine instead of prostrate with grief. I am so sorry you lost your temper with Ada, but I think you are a fantastic mom! I think kids need to see that parents can be angry, or frustrated, or sad; it helps them learn about how to handle their own emotions.
Anyway, many hugs!
You're a great mom and as pps said, it's ok to lose your cool once in a while! When DS was about 2 months old, he was crying incessantly, I couldn't open a jar of sauce and...something else! (I can't remember!), and I just kind of yelled...he was in the other room..."OMG! STOP crying!" And then I felt horrible and thought, "What kind of mother says such a thing to a baby?"
I also suffered a loss before DS and it is heartbreaking. You have days when you think you're ok, and days when you're not sure how you'll make it through the day. In fact, my pregnancy with DS started out a little rocky and it was right around the time we had submitted an application to a breeder but hadn't gotten a response. I remember crying to DH that we were losing this pregnancy too and we weren't even good enough for a dog.
Hang in there and many hugs!
Oh, please don't say you don't deserve another baby. That's just your hormones and grief talking, you totally deserve another one, you're a great mom. Give yourself a little break, it's OK to feel sad and out of sorts, and it's tough to deal with all that, plus take care of a child. Your DD will be OK. Take care of yourself, we love you!