those who had an early m/c- opinions pls (long)

iluvmylab · May 2011

I need some opinions please. I want to see if this makes sense to others or if I'm just a bitter hag who has lost my pregnancy innocence.

On my BMB, many ladies are telling the world about their pregnancies as early as 5 weeks. While it is totally their decision to do so, I am just curious about the reasoning most people have behind this and if it rings true. Many of them say, "Well we will want all the support we can get if something does go wrong." I am just wondering how you feel about this reason after having gone through it. (If you told early)

My story is this- we told a few people, more than we wanted to, but it wasn't out the the world yet. After my m/c, I really only wanted my DH and my best friend around for support, becuase she had gone through a m/c too. I found that the "support" I got from most of the people we told was not at all helpful, and in some cases, very hurtful. Not that they meant it or anything, but my mother for example, God bless her, really thought she was helping by saying "It was God's will. When he decides it's time, it will happen for you. It wasn't your time yet." This WAS NOT helpful to me at the time, although I know my mother meant well. I just found that those who have not been through a m/c usually don't know what to say/do and their "support" may end up to be not what you expected and may not be helpful at all. It wasn't the untelling of people that was the hardest, it was dealing with the things people said or did, even when they meant well.

This time, we are much more cautious. I don't want everyone knowing my business and I don't think that the more people that know, the better off and more support we will have. Is it just me or do others feel this way too now that we have been through it? Is more really better?

If you made it this far, have a cookie! Thanks.

ColleenS629 · May 2011

I had only told my BFF before I had my m/c. She was totally unsupportive. I ended up telling a couple of close friends, my sister, and my mom because I needed the support. This time around, I told those that had supported me pretty early. I still haven't told my "BFF."

Laura23FP · May 2011

Going back, I actually really wish I would have told people earlier about my first pregnancy. Only a few people knew about it and therefore knew about the miscarriage. It was and has been a huge weight on my shoulders to carry this "secret" around. I know I will think about it every time someone asks if "this is my first" or anytime someone tried to explain something to me about being pregnant (been there before!). But if I told people now, I think they may just think I was going for sympathy or attention.

At the same time, I can not STAND when people say "everything happens for a reason." I know they are just trying to be supportive. But you don't get the big promotion for a reason (someone is better), you don't win a trip to Europe for a reason (you didn't win). There was NO REASON for my first child or for anyone's child to die. So on that note, I think it just depends on your own individual situation.

TeacherVicky · May 2011

I 100000% believe that your POV on this subject changes if you've had a m/c. I remember having the same type of reaction ("are you seriously telling that early?!") when the ladies on my BMB were telling quite early. By telling, I mean telling the world.

DH and I told a few people of our pg early. We basically told our close family and friends who already knew of our losses. I knew that if I were to have another m/c, that they would be there to offer the support I needed, as they already had.

Junebug060609 · May 2011

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you were, OP. With the first pregnancy, just my bff knew about it when the m/c happened...and that was mostly bc she was visiting me and pregnant herself (aka she'd notice the foods I was eating and not eating and raise an eyebrow). In hindsight I wish I'd told my mom as I needed her support with the m/c news.

With this one, only that same bff knew until after we'd gotten out of 1st Tri. I didn't tell my parents until then too. Had I heard the hb sooner than almost 12w, I'd have told my parents sooner (couldn't bring myself to tell my parents until we knew there was at least a hb).

I'm the type that doesn't do well with a lot of people up in my business when I'm facing a tough time. I'd have not done well at all with even my extended family knowing about the pregnancy when I had a m/c...let alone all of Facebook.

MsPegees · May 2011

We told a lot of people before our last loss because we had seen the h/b twice and after reading information our chance of m/c was very low at that point. BUT we still lost the baby a day after our 2nd u/s where we did see the h/b and that was at 8w (I was 10w when the m/c started). Most people were very supportive and I couldn't have asked for a better response, BUT this time around we didn't tell many people until after our NT scan b/c while most people were supportive it was very hard for me to un-tell people. 5 weeks is super early, but so was 9 weeks, when I told my first time around. I wouldn't have told any earlier than 12-weeks this time though (b/c unfortunately I was one of the small statistic that lost after seeing the h/b).

iluvmylab · May 2011

Junebug060609:

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you were, OP. With the first pregnancy, just my bff knew about it when the m/c happened...and that was mostly bc she was visiting me and pregnant herself (aka she'd notice the foods I was eating and not eating and raise an eyebrow). In hindsight I wish I'd told my mom as I needed her support with the m/c news.

With this one, only that same bff knew until after we'd gotten out of 1st Tri. I didn't tell my parents until then too. Had I heard the hb sooner than almost 12w, I'd have told my parents sooner (couldn't bring myself to tell my parents until we knew there was at least a hb).

I'm the type that doesn't do well with a lot of people up in my business when I'm facing a tough time. I'd have not done well at all with even my extended family knowing about the pregnancy when I had a m/c...let alone all of Facebook.

this is me exactly. I know people mean well, but I was very selective of who I told after the m/c that it had happened.

Jen98jib · May 2011

I never really had the benefit of being naive. I was told I would be high risk before I even started trying. So last pregnancy, I was careful about who I told and only told those I knew would be understanding if something went wrong and fortunately I was right. I was glad I told them because I needed people around me to understand why I wasn't myself for a while and give me that space. This time, I've told a little less than before but have shared with a few trusted friends/family because it's too big a secret to bottle up for me.

nekillo · May 2011

I guess what bothers me most about this is that they justify with, "well i will want them to know if I had a m/c" like they already KNOW the heartbreak, pain, irrational thoughts, and true sadness we have all experienced.

If they justify it honestly (which some do) by saying something like, "We are just so excited about this pregnancy, I want to shout it from the rooftops" or something, I would feel better, but saying that you would know what you would want or who you would want to talk to after a miscarriage is almost a slap in the face to me.

We didn't tell until after we saw the hb at 7w4d. There were a total of 2 people (besides DH) who actually helped me through my miscarriage, my grandma, and a co-worker. Not the first people I would have thought of pre-pregnancy but they rose to the occasion.

jennayn · May 2011

i was 4w3d when i m/c... and we told our families.. then my PITA sister posted it on facebook... so we did not want everyone to know but she spilled it instead... sooo this time we only told our close family (because they arrived an hr after i found out and it was mothers day) and they all agreed no one is talking... i didnt even tell my middle sister yet.. nor will i be anytime soon.. it didnt make it any easier for the m/c having told everyone early...

Oatoa · May 2011

I only got my BFP today but until June 19th (Father's Day and approx 10 weeks) only DH and my BFF, my secret keeper, will know. Hopefully anyway. Until today I thought I was going to tell everyone about the BFP since we were so open about the m/c. I told everyone we m/c but didn't get to announce we were expecting. However, now I am so terrified of having another m/c we're going to keep it to ourselves at least for now.

MCH77 · May 2011

With my 1st pg we saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks, told people at 10 weeks and found out about missed m/c at 12 weeks. There are people I wish had not known, it really was none of their business, but for the most part I was ok with who I told.

With this pg DH did not want me to tell ANYONE. Well, I told about 6 people ASAP (he still does not know this), I needed them to know incase anything went wrong. I knew that I would be a mess and I needed them to help deal with the anxiety I was dealing with. But I was more careful this time with who I told and when I told them.

I remember hating the fact that I had just come out at work the week before. It ended up being a huge blessing, my principal and superientendent were amazing supports to me.

ellebelle2384 · May 2011

nekillo:
I guess what bothers me most about this is that they justify with, "well i will want them to know if I had a m/c" like they already KNOW the heartbreak, pain, irrational thoughts, and true sadness we have all experienced.
If they justify it honestly (which some do) by saying something like, "We are just so excited about this pregnancy, I want to shout it from the rooftops" or something, I would feel better, but saying that you would know what you would want or who you would want to talk to after a miscarriage is almost a slap in the face to me.
We didn't tell until after we saw the hb at 7w4d. There were a total of 2 people (besides DH) who actually helped me through my miscarriage, my grandma, and a co-worker. Not the first people I would have thought of pre-pregnancy but they rose to the occasion.

This! I feel like its silly to support it this way without really knowing what it's like. We told a few people last time just because we were so naive. Then we told basically everyone when we m/c. This time we've only told parents so far. They are just as scared as we are and not telling anyone. I don't think we'll tell anyone else about this pregnancy until after the NT scan.

In.Luv.With.M · May 2011

The first time around we announced it to the world around 7.5 weeks...we were excited after trying for a long time! However, we m/c at 9 weeks and I honestly could not believe some of the things people said. I was particularly hurt by a close friend that became defensive because I didn't answer her 10 phone calls the day it happened.All that to say, this time around only my BFF and a coworker know. We don't plan on announcing it until we are in the 2nd trimester. I really just can't handle all the "how are you feeling" questions that were thrown at me the last time. I know people get excited, but I'm being selfish this time and we're keeping our secret!

PrincessDi80 · May 2011

TeacherVicky:
I 100000% believe that your POV on this subject changes if you've had a m/c. I remember having the same type of reaction ("are you seriously telling that early?!") when the ladies on my BMB were telling quite early. By telling, I mean telling the world.

DH and I told a few people of our pg early. We basically told our close family and friends who already knew of our losses. I knew that if I were to have another m/c, that they would be there to offer the support I needed, as they already had.

100% this

Froggy76 · May 2011

I have tried telling people on my BMB that most people are very unsupportive after a m/c, but I don't think they get it. I was surprised by who was supportive when it happened to me, and who was unsupportive. No one was intentionally hurtful, but some people (sis and SIL) barely acknowledged it. I was so grateful that hardly anyone knew. Since I hadn't told anyone at work, that was my safe place where I didn't feel like people were either ignoring my situation or pitying me. The only thing lonelier than going through a m/c alone is going through a m/c where everyone knows but no one seems to care!

magel050485 · May 2011

We told everyone the first time. I was grateful for all the support from people that I did not know had suffered from miscarriages but most people didnt understand a child that you didnt even get to know. So this time we waited until two good ultrasounds to come out to everyone. Had I miscarried again I think I would have told our mothers as they were great support the first time around but not anyone else.

JoAnna914 · May 2011

I've actually told MORE people this time around than I had last time. When I lost the last pregnancy, it was so early that I hadn't even told my mother until the day I was losing the pregnancy. It was terrible and sad - I had hoped that my news would have been happier. On the flip side, I had also told my bosses because I had several client meetings that I didn't know whether I'd have to cancel - I was freaking out, and they needed to know if I was going to be available. Well, my bosses were absolutely wonderful, understanding and supportive (both women, no surprise). From that, I learned that if I expect support and understanding from people, I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they will be supportive and understanding, let them know what's going on with me, and tell them what I need. So this time, I have gathered the people around me that I trust and started telling them probably around 7 weeks (my mother, of course, knew within a day of my BFP). I am very comfortable with this and know that these folks have my back.

rvandiver0705 · May 2011

I would have hated to hide the fact that I went through something so incredibly painful, and for me, traumatic. While people did say things to me that were unintentionally hurtful, I am so thankful that people knew and that DID give me a measure of protection from babies, pregnant women, and even "When are you having kids?"

RN0107 · May 2011

We told everyone about our first pregnancy at 7 weeks. Two weeks later we found out we had a missed m/c. This time we aren't telling anyone until after 12 weeks. I am just to nervous and anxious to have to "untell" people. That was the worst part. And some of my closest friends and family really disappointed me with how unsupportive they were.

shanna82 · May 2011

I told close family and friends last time (probably about 10 people) and then we had the m/c. DH didn't want to tell anyone the next time, but I did. I wanted those same people to be there for me and to understand if I wasn't myself.

I agree, that most people do not give the right kind of support unless they have gone through this themselves, so I guess it was just so they would know what I was dealing with and if maybe I wasn't my regular happy self.

ililheatheri · May 2011

My miscarriage was at 11 weeks and I had told my family, friends, and co-workers. It was difficult to tell them the news, but first of all, I told one friend who shared with the rest, one co-worker, one family member. The news spread and I had only support. Even my neighbors came over with flowers. For three straight days after I found out and after my D&E, I had my closest friends at my house, bringing me my favorite snacks and watching crappy TV with me, and laying on the couch with me while I cried. I absolutely needed time with just me and my husband, but it was really nice to have so many people supporting me. Plus... so many friends, family members of friends, and co-workers came to me about their own losses and I was able to get so much help from them... when of course I was actually ready to talk about it, which was many weeks later.

But anyway... I see your side as well. Some people are much more private but not me... I'm emotional and I'm better off when people can understand why. Of course I did hear stupid comments... but oh well.

BTIP10 · May 2011

I wish we hadn't told as many people the 2 times we miscarried. I'm pregnant now and we told yesterday (over 12 weeks pg) just to family.

After my miscarriages most people were unknowingly unsupportive and it made things much worse for me. I'm naturally private and have a hard enough time dealing with some of my friends knowing, let alone everyone at church and beyond.

I feel, and I may be totally wrong, that most women who have early miscarriages, or at least recurrent miscarriages tend to tell fewer and later than those that don't. For me it was easier when people didn't mention the loss, or ask questions in regards to the pregnancy to deal with my losses.

In the end it is a personal decision and you need to do what makes you feel comfortable.

itsmegin · May 2011

I told people-like everyone but Facebook-early both times and don't regret it at all. Other than a few asinine comments, and one painful instance of having to explain to someone at a party why I didn't look pregnant at all, I got support and love and bonded with people I never would have had I kept it a secret. I still talk about it and tell people. I think it's an important part of removing the taboo and reaching out to other women, but I understand wanting to keep it private.

HadleyS · May 2011

When we got pregnant the first time, DH's parents came in town and it was going to be our only opportunity to tell any family in person (we were only 6 1/2 weeks), so we told them, my sister, and a few friends from DH's work. I was so devastated, and I needed my mom, so I had to tell her everything. Well, she was certainly upset for me and sad, and we ended up telling other close relatives the sad news...they pretty much ALL agreed that they would like to support us and pray for us if/when we got pregnant again, so we shared the news early this time and we do not regret it at all. We only shared with immediate family members and close friends that early.

For me, I really do want and need that support that you first mentioned. I can understand the rationale for both ways (waiting to tell/not waiting to tell). It's really a personal decision.

Gummybear · May 2011

We told family very late, and are still only telling people on a need to know basis.

I completely disagree with the "we would want the support" reasoning. The problem is NOT the people you choose to tell about the pregnancy, and then untell. They most likely are family and close friends and would support you no matter what life tragedy occurs. The problem is the people THEY tell, and the people that THOSE people tell. The people who don't get the "bad" news and run up to you at a party 6 months later and scream, "ZOMG you don't even look preggo!". The people that post on your FB asking about the baby. And you have to rehash the story again, and again, and again, because Aunt Susan told her neighbor whol told her cousin who graduated high school 3 years after you.

People LOVE spreading the "Guess who is pregnant?!" news. The "Guess who had a m/c?". Not so much.

And don't even get me started on FB.

ETA: Oops, I just saw you were addressing early m/c. I was talking about my later loss. I also had 2 c/p and I am VERY glad we kept them to ourselves. They were pretty much over before they started and they were much easier to put behind me. I wanted nothing more to get back in the saddle after them and move on quickly.

mizdiz444 · May 2011

We never got to the point to tell anyone. This time, I've told a couple friends who have helped me through my past m/c's, but no one in my family knows yet. Don't get me wrong, my family is supportive, but my mom has a big mouth and even if I tell her not to tell anyone, she'll tell everyone.

itsmevkb · May 2011

My miscarriages have changed me as a person and so for those closest to me to not understand what I have been through the past year plus is for them to not know or understand the full me. You are correct in that some of them weren't the most supportive, however, they will never learn how to be supportive unless they are touched by people close to them going through hard times. Additionally, I can't imagine going through this pregnancy and not having people know why I'm so nervous and concerned. They only would understand that by knowing about our losses.

May524 · May 2011

I told my family once I had my betas double.

With my ectopic, I had to tell my mom I was pregnant and possibly losing the baby in the same sentence. I was trying to hold off till I was further along. It was a lot to tell family the surprise of a pregnancy then the possible loss all at once. We decided we would tell family early on in case we need their support (like taking our son while we are at appointments).

hart0620 · May 2011

rvandiver0705:
I would have hated to hide the fact that I went through something so incredibly painful, and for me, traumatic. While people did say things to me that were unintentionally hurtful, I am so thankful that people knew and that DID give me a measure of protection from babies, pregnant women, and even "When are you having kids?"

This. Definitely. I wish more people had known about the 1st pregnancy. It is something that is a part of me and I want people to understand that part of my life. I told more people with the second and I am glad I did. Now with our 3rd a fair amount of people know.

I feel like it makes it easier for people to understand who I am now and why I react the way I do to this pregnancy. I am not jumping for joy or bursting with excitement and I think if people didn't know about the previous m/c's that would be very hard for them to understand.

hart0620 · May 2011

itsmevkb:
My miscarriages have changed me as a person and so for those closest to me to not understand what I have been through the past year plus is for them to not know or understand the full me. You are correct in that some of them weren't the most supportive, however, they will never learn how to be supportive unless they are touched by people close to them going through hard times. Additionally, I can't imagine going through this pregnancy and not having people know why I'm so nervous and concerned. They only would understand that by knowing about our losses.

Just read this response. I feel EXACTLY the same way. Well said.

StaceyM06 · May 2011

It's to each their own. Even though both of my losses were very early, we had decided to not tell our parents until after seeing the hb. We never got that far and informed them the day of the losses. This time around, we decided to tell our parents and siblings right away since they were so supportive after our losses and, frankly, we were tired of just giving them the bad news. Close friends and other family will be told in the 2nd tri. I am thinking of doing a fb announcement if we have a good anatomy scan at 19w.

salsa_wifey · May 2011

I am like you. I had two early m/c. The first was 6w3d b/o. Waited a month for natural m/c and when it didn't happen, I went in for a D&C. The second was natural at 6w.

The only ones I told was my DH and my BFF. My BFF had a 9w natural m/c with help from the pill insert before I had my first. I thought she would be supportive because she went through a m/c too. The first one she was mildly supportive and the second one, not at all. We chose not to tell anyone for the same reasons you mentioned. I just knew if I couldn't get support from my BFF then I wasn't going to get it anywhere else. I had a really hard time with my first loss - waiting so long. And the second made me feel so defeated. But third times the charm and I have my baby boy. Not without incident, I had a bleed in the beginning that thankfully resolved itself during my first trimester. No further pregnancy complications with him. I digress....

Because of the first two losses, I was about 16 weeks before we told anyone. We sprung the news on Christmas to family and then everyone else after that. My BFF was mad at me for not telling her but I just could not handle her lack of support if I had a third loss. It took a while for her to get past that but we are doing great now. Her daughter is two months younger than my son.

I have sense told one other person (past coworker that have have little to know contact with) and hinted about it to another but have not told anyone to this day. I have no need to hear their attempts to understand or rationalize what I went through. I have learned that even those who have gone through it aren't necessarily going to understand how I feel about my angels in Heaven.

You do what you feel comfortable with, discuss it with DH and hopefully he supports your decision like mine did.

those who had an early m/c- opinions pls (long)

Re: those who had an early m/c- opinions pls (long)

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