Living with Parents/In Laws...

LSzwaya · May 2011

DH and I have had a very serious conversation with my sister & her DH and my parents about the idea of purchasing a large 3 flat type building and sharing the monthly expense of upkeep and the mortgage in an attempt to free some of the financial burden of living in separate homes. Obviously there are many pros and many cons to this type of situation and there are many many more discussions to be had before entering into this commitment. If you live in this type of situation...what is your experience like?

Jocelyn0415 · May 2011

Oh, hell no. We'd kill each other lol! I love my parents and IL's, but no, no, no. We could never live in the same house. Even if we did have our own "apartments".

haleymay18 · May 2011

No way in hell. I would rather live in my car.

Have you considered selling your house and just moving into an apt or just downsizing your current apt (if you live in one?). That would be a better solution for me anyways.

I love my IL's and my mom but no way, no how, never going to happen.

LSzwaya · May 2011

haleymay18:
No way in hell. I would rather live in my car.

Have you considered selling your house and just moving into an apt or just downsizing your current apt (if you live in one?). That would be a better solution for me anyways.

I love my IL's and my mom but no way, no how, never going to happen.

We couldn't downsize anymore than we are now and we're too far upside down in our homes value to do anything but rent it out if we left.

Cynthia7461 · May 2011

I am having to move in my Inlaws basment apartment in the next couple of weeks. I think it will be ok since my Inlaws understand that we need our own space and will treat the basement as a seperate residence. You just need to have ground rules in place before you move in.

LSzwaya · May 2011

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

Cynthia7461 · May 2011

LSzwaya:

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

It worked for my cousin, but like I said earlier they had ground rules

haleymay18 · May 2011

LSzwaya:
haleymay18:

No way in hell. I would rather live in my car.

Have you considered selling your house and just moving into an apt or just downsizing your current apt (if you live in one?). That would be a better solution for me anyways.

I love my IL's and my mom but no way, no how, never going to happen.

We couldn't downsize anymore than we are now and we're too far upside down in our homes value to do anything but rent it out if we left.

Do you think you could find a renter that would be willing to pay all the house expenses (or at least enough that it would be a deal for you to have another place to rent)? I imagine that it probably wouldn't make sense fiscally, because at least in our sitatuation it wouldn't. We are under water too and it is a b*tch but we just consider our house our forever home and then we don't feel so bad about it

yankeebaby2 · May 2011

LSzwaya:

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

in NY we all lived int he same building but we didn't own it. I'd give anything to live that way here. My MIl cooked us dinner all the time and my mom was always cleaning my house and between the two of them they babysat so I could work and go to school. I would never have been able to finish law school without them.

We loved the closeness and it was great that all our family was together so my kids grew up with their cousins and they are best friends now and my parents and my inlaws got to enjoy all of the kids milestones together

abrazz · May 2011

We are currently living with my parents since our house has not sold in another state. We have lived with them for a year and I cannot complain. We stay in the 2 bedrooms upstairs and while privacy is lacking at times, it really isn't that big of a deal. My mom watches DD while I am at work, or DH is a school and it is saving a bundle on daycare. It sounds like you will all have your own space so your situation will be a little more private than ours. I say go for it, especially if you get along well with them. I will say, I could not live with DH's parents though. We would kill each other so I think your relationship with your family is the most important factor.

LSzwaya · May 2011

haleymay18:
LSzwaya:
haleymay18:

No way in hell. I would rather live in my car.

Have you considered selling your house and just moving into an apt or just downsizing your current apt (if you live in one?). That would be a better solution for me anyways.

I love my IL's and my mom but no way, no how, never going to happen.

We couldn't downsize anymore than we are now and we're too far upside down in our homes value to do anything but rent it out if we left.

Do you think you could find a renter that would be willing to pay all the house expenses (or at least enough that it would be a deal for you to have another place to rent)? I imagine that it probably wouldn't make sense fiscally, because at least in our sitatuation it wouldn't. We are under water too and it is a b*tch but we just consider our house our forever home and then we don't feel so bad about it

Ugh. I wish this was our forever home but we just can not grow much more in to it. We can come close to the mortgage with a renter in here and considering our monthly payment would be about 450 in a family owned building even paying a few hundred in the difference of mortgage and renter with our condo...it would still be TONS less than staying here forever. We get along amazing with my sister/BIL and my parents want this arrangement so they can travel now that my mom is retiring soon..and as much as this creeps me out...they say they need more privacy than we do...::barfs::. So I am certain they won't just be showing up and stopping by as they're not like that now. I was hoping some ladies on here have done something similar and was interested to hear how your situation works.

ChloeFH · May 2011

I shared a house with my parents until I was 25. It was basically an up-down split, so I had my own living area.

My brother & SIL now share the same house with my folks. It's working out great, but both couples have very clear boundaries & ground rules with each other. They respect each other and are all still friends!

[Deleted User] · May 2011

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CORKERS26 · May 2011

We are dong that right now with my father. My parents have always owned this house. Its 2 flats, my dad is down stairs and we are uptairs. We split the cable bill, we pay about $300 a mnth rent. I have lived in this apartment since I was 17, I love having my dad right down stairs he watches DD everyday for us when DH leaves for work and before XI get home. The only thing is when stuff needs to be done around the house more upkeep stuff that I'm not the greatest at its hard to get my dad moving and DH feels like he has to ask before he starts getting stuff done. Other than that way more pros than cons about the situation.

Hope this helps

LSzwaya · May 2011

SookieFrackhouse68:
The extra expense is worth not daydreaming of pushing your in-laws down the stairs.

We did it for 2 months and it was not pleasant. Worst 2 months of my life, no joke. I'd advise against this. Your sanity is more important than sharing close quarters with relatives.

Well every situation/relationship is different but I definitely appreciate your input! Seems like its pretty split--either works GREAT or AWFUL!

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2011

LSzwaya:

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

Honestly, if I had to choose between working but living separate than family or being a SAHM and living with family, I'd much rather work. I think families living together has the potential to get really messy and ruin good relationships. Although I have a great relationship with my parents and ILs, I just think that those kinds of setups can end poorly.

Could you maybe do a trial run for a few months and see if it works, then back out if you find it's just not going to work long term?

LSzwaya · May 2011

KC_13:
LSzwaya:

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

Honestly, if I had to choose between working but living separate than family or being a SAHM and living with family, I'd much rather work. I think families living together has the potential to get really messy and ruin good relationships. Although I have a great relationship with my parents and ILs, I just think that those kinds of setups can end poorly.

Could you maybe do a trial run for a few months and see if it works, then back out if you find it's just not going to work long term?

This was definitely a stipulation for us. There had to be an exit strategy for anyone who it wasn't working out for. We agreed...so knowing there is a plan in place for anyone that it doesn't work out for makes us feel like we should give it a try!

kcisthebombdotcom · May 2011

LSzwaya:
KC_13:
LSzwaya:

0 for 2 so far! Ha!

Being a SAHM is really important to me and this is one way to accomplish that and have a really great life...there has to be someone out there that this had worked for...anyone??

::echo echo echo::

Honestly, if I had to choose between working but living separate than family or being a SAHM and living with family, I'd much rather work. I think families living together has the potential to get really messy and ruin good relationships. Although I have a great relationship with my parents and ILs, I just think that those kinds of setups can end poorly.

Could you maybe do a trial run for a few months and see if it works, then back out if you find it's just not going to work long term?

This was definitely a stipulation for us. There had to be an exit strategy for anyone who it wasn't working out for. We agreed...so knowing there is a plan in place for anyone that it doesn't work out for makes us feel like we should give it a try!

Yeah, but say you purchase a house, then you and your SIL decide you want to move out at the same time. I'm guessing you are thinking you'd just get renters, but what if you can't find any? How would you handle the financial impact? Who stays and who goes if you find it isnt working?

I do think it's worth a try but you're right that you have to have a lot of very serious discussions about the logistics of it all. It's a pretty complex situation.

Lyssapee · May 2011

We live in a large 2 family with out ILs. We love eachother and get along amazingly well.

We pretty much live as one giant family.

I know this isn't typical but it works really well for all of us.

abrazz · May 2011

I am suprised at how many people think living with family is such a bad idea. I would think that it would be making a move back to this with things getting more and more expensive. I think our culture isn't geared that way, but in many other countries it is very normal to have grown children still living with the parents. I am 32, have 2 degrees and work full-time so I'm not a slug living off my mom and dad. I could see if your family are meth cooks and you would be living in a cook shack out back in the hills of Missouri then I say, no way don't do it, but otherwise what's the big deal?

kristinem17 · May 2011

Indeed in many other countries this is quite normal and popular - I have friends and family, both in Europe as well as in Peru, that live in a house that is actually 3 flats - each one with it's own private entrance, living areas, kitchen, etc ... Definitely economical. I would never do that on a permament basis simply because such a situation would drive me crazy after a while. I think this type of living arrangement is very cultural. Atleast in my experience, this is common abroad, but not so much here.

jjoli · May 2011

We lived with my parents (in one bedroom the three of us DH, DD, and me (we did have our own bathroom though)) for six months, it was hard, but we did find and saved up some money. I would totally do this! My family is really close together though.. And you will have your own apartment, so I say go for it!

Lyssapee · May 2011

kristinem17:
Indeed in many other countries this is quite normal and popular - I have friends and family, both in Europe as well as in Peru, that live in a house that is actually 3 flats - each one with it's own private entrance, living areas, kitchen, etc ... Definitely economical. I would never do that on a permament basis simply because such a situation would drive me crazy after a while. I think this type of living arrangement is very cultural. Atleast in my experience, this is common abroad, but not so much here.

EXACTLY! It really does "Take a villiage to raise a child."

DD is super needy and has been from the start. I am beyond greatful for all the ILs do for us. But they also LOVE being there for everything. FIL retired from teaching to watch the baby during the day. Not only do we benefit but I know Amanda loves it. DH grandmother also lives upstairs. MIL raised DH the same way, family was always around to help out.

CourtneyS24 · May 2011

I have no experience with this. Although, in a couple of years we will be moving in with my parents while we build after our current house sells. But that will only be for a couple of months

I think it all depends on your relationship. I wouldn't mind living with my parents and brother and his fam as long as we all had our seperate space. DH, on the other hand would probably faint if I ever even mentioned the idea.

I agree with yankee on this one. I think if you have great relationships its a good idea with many pros.

Also, off topic but if you really want to be a SAHM have you ever thought about watching other kids. I got a job through sittercity.com and it works out really well. I watch 2 other girls 4 days a week. Its not a ton of money but really helps out.

GL with this decision!

[Deleted User] · May 2011

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jesstibb · May 2011

I think it would be awesome actually. I know there will be times when you get on each others nerves but that you can work past those situations. I wish I lived by my parents instead of IL's because they would be more of a part of our every day lives. I miss that so much. I grew up in a small village and having family so close was awesome. I say go for it!

Ditto PP's as well that this is something normal in many cultures.

robynlesley · May 2011

We are living in a somewhat similar situation. My DH and I moved into my parents' home (where I grew up) in January. The home was renovated so my parents, both disabled, have a handicap accessible suite on the ground floor. DH, DS and I are upstairs. We share common space (TV / play room downstairs, kitchen, dining room) but DH and I have "taken over" the living room and home office (technically a tiny bedroom).

There are pros for us: paying down debt, DS gets a backyard

Cons: no privacy, burden of caring for my parents.

Overall it's working and my parents are easy to be around. But there are struggles. If you DO go for it, just be prepared for times of turmoil. And have ALL the financial stuff settled BEFORE you do this.

LSzwaya · May 2011

CourtneyS24:
I have no experience with this. Although, in a couple of years we will be moving in with my parents while we build after our current house sells. But that will only be for a couple of months

I think it all depends on your relationship. I wouldn't mind living with my parents and brother and his fam as long as we all had our seperate space. DH, on the other hand would probably faint if I ever even mentioned the idea.

I agree with yankee on this one. I think if you have great relationships its a good idea with many pros.

Also, off topic but if you really want to be a SAHM have you ever thought about watching other kids. I got a job through sittercity.com and it works out really well. I watch 2 other girls 4 days a week. Its not a ton of money but really helps out.

GL with this decision!

I currently SAHM and have a job which I do from home. It will just get more expensive as we have more kiddos.

IEtoLA · May 2011

LSzwaya:
DH and I have had a very serious conversation with my sister & her DH and my parents about the idea of purchasing a large 3 flat type building and sharing the monthly expense of upkeep and the mortgage in an attempt to free some of the financial burden of living in separate homes. Obviously there are many pros and many cons to this type of situation and there are many many more discussions to be had before entering into this commitment. If you live in this type of situation...what is your experience like?

DH and I actually lived with my parents for about a year. We did this in order to save money to buy a home and move closer to my job. It worked out just fine. We have a pretty good relationship with my parents. They are very supportive and respect us as adults and don't treat us like children. Before we even moved in we discussed all of our concerns and thoughts about living with each other. If something came up, we discussed it and moved on. DH's only concern was privacy and that was never even a issue. Door was closed...don't even knock!

We paid the electric bill (it's gets pretty hot where we are) and groceries and this worked out great for everyone. I think you just need to put out your feelings and have that discussion before hand. Now if the option were to live with my ILs...I would never go for that. They still demand respect and don't have any respect for us as a family or as individuals. Their needs and wants come first.

newlywed5/05 · May 2011

We currently are in this situation with my parents. It works out great! I am also a SAHM and wanted to be more financially sound. The most important thing is to set boundaries before you move in together. My parents never overstep... My son also loves the extra attention. Good Luck!!!!

SMA! · May 2011

As all the responses suggest it really depends on your relationships, personalities etc. My BIL has lived with his wife's mother and father since getting married 2+ years. They have one daughter that is 7 months and are expecting another in October. It works for them. His wife had a rough delivery and recovery and his IL's were a huge help. They are pretty devout Christians and their social lives are built around church so they have a lot of the same friends and go to the same events and generally really enjoy each others company. They are looking to buy their own house soon and have been able to save up a sizable down payment.

On the other hand DH and I probably wouldn't do that well living with either set of parents again. We have lived in different states/countries than our families since we were around 18 and have really come to value our independence and privacy. We have great relationships with our parents but I could see certain buttons getting pushed if we were to live together. It don't think there would be epic blow ups but I could imagine lots of tension etc. I currently SAH and if our financial situation was such that moving in with our parents was necessary, I would probably go back to work. On the other hand, if our parents needed extra care or help and moving in together would provide that stability we would make it work.

MelodyMoonstone · May 2011

We live in somewhat of a similar situation - we live directly next door to my parents. We share a plot of land. It can be awesome, like we don't worry about daycare unless they go on vacation. Or, it can be a pain, like when my dad gets his undies in a bunch about us not mowing the lawn frequently enough (he's retired and can putz whenever he wants - we're in the middle of a major renovation of our house and are both working full time and are exhausted.

There are times when it's awesome and 90% of the time it is. There are times when I'm annoyed though.

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