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ok ladies, talk to me about PPD (kinda long)
I just had this thought while freaking out today, that maybe I have PPD. When I was pg with DS, my SIL told me that she had it really bad with her 2nd baby, and I thought that it sounded awful and felt like I had made up my mind that it wouldnt happen to me, and that was that.
Fast forward to now. I cant tell if I am totally overwhelmed or have PPD. Keep in mind that normally I have some anxiety issues, but not like I need meds or anything. I just feel like I am not myself right now. We are also buying a house right now and just finished moving. Those of you who know me IRL have told me many times what a patient and easy-going mom I am, and I am ashamed to say its been a while since I have acted that way behind closed doors. Everything makes me snap- not like "snap at the kids" kind of way, but like I-cant-do-this-one-more-second, I am going to run from the house screaming kind of way, and I dont want them to see me acting like that anymore. And I hate feeling that way but I feel like I cant control it sometimes. But E is almost a year old, and I feel like maybe that's too late for PPD? Do I just need a long vacay? It sucks b/c yesterday I barely did any parenting at all and got pampered for Mother's Day, and am totally fine when DH is here, and here I am the next day, completely exhausted and yelling at every move my kids make. I dont really feel depressed (been there and back) but definitely not my normal self. I'm also not on and BCP, if that helps.
Sorry this is long am rambling. I just need to know if this seems like PPD, or if I'm just nuts, my hormones are out of whack, and need a break from people for a while.
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Re: ok ladies, talk to me about PPD (kinda long)
First of all, huge hugs to you. I think it definitely could be PPD, it is certainly possible to have it come on later, and especially with breastfeeding less, your hormones are likely doing some shifting and that can exacerbate things. You are also under a lot of stress, between moving and doing such long days with the kids by yourself. Either of those things by itself would be a lot, and combined that's a lot of pressure.
I think it's certainly worth talking to someone, just to be screened if nothing else, or for a few sessions. Washington State has a "Speak Up When You're Down" campaign to raise awareness of PPD and provide resources: https://www.ccf.wa.gov/ppd/aboutus_campaign.htm
You can also probably call the Employee Assistance line at B's work, they will often do free counseling over the phone as an employee benefit, and since you're covered under his policy I expect you could get that benefit too.
I'm here for you anytime, if you want to vent, or if you want me to come over some evening after Jeff gets home and you can go for a walk or to Safeway by yourself or whatever, just let me know. Hang in there.
Ok, so first of all, big hugs to you! I completely understand how you feel.
Secondly, you definitely could have PPD. The way that you're describing your feelings and emotions sound almost exactly like mine when I finally went to the doctor. Em had just turned one and I had suspected that I may have PPD for a long time, but I was so embarrassed that I didn't tell anyone but my husband. I kept telling him that I didn't feel like myself, I wanted to leave him. A lot. I had a really hard time dealing with being a new mom and a wife and moving six hours from my family. I didn't get out of my pj's some days. I just felt lost and alone, but I knew I had to take care of Em. When DH was home, I let him take care of Em so I could just be alone sometimes. And then I lost it. I had a massive panic attack that literally lasted two days, I could barely function I was so anxious and DH made me call my doc. When we discussed all of my feelings, he said it sounded like PPD combined WITH anxiety. I started meeting with a counselor who asked me to write down everything that had changed over the past two years and I realized that I hadn't had that much change in my life. Ever. Until I got married. Then it was a bunch of things, got married, moved away from the house I grew up in, had a baby, moved six hours from Seattle to a city that I had no connections to, I went from working to being a SAHM... And there was more! It helped to understand that while I didn't think all of those changes had effected me, it wasn't true. They each had a part in slowly increasing my depression and anxiety.
So... All that to say, you should talk to someone, whether it's your doctor or a counselor. Getting out the feelings you have can make a huge difference and you never know, it may be that you need a low dose of something that will help you level out. Buying a house, packing up the old house, moving everything and getting organized is a huge change and so different when you have a kid or two in tow. It is totally possible that while you haven't thought about it this way, that is adding to your stress more than you think and aiding in the PPD. I think there are a few of us who have been through similar situations and emotions and it's not uncommon. Please let me know if you need anything! ::HUGS::
Can I just say thank you for posting and for describing how you are feeling so well? Because I too feel "not right"... I suspect that I had some PPD with Ben after about a year old. It also coincided with terrible sleep. And I did see a counsellor, and I did feel better without any meds, but I also started getting some sleep, so who knows what it was.
This time, I feel exactly like you're describing. I'm so sick of hearing myself yell at my kids or be exasperated with DH or just not feel like doing anything. I'm exhausted. Even when I get to sleep in I still feel exhausted and I feel like I just sigh a lot. I'm not sad. But I'm definitely not happy. I'm just walking around aggravated. I actually plugged my ears the other night at dinner because I was just overwhelmed with hearing all of the freaking noise in my house.
So whether it's PPD or anxiety or your hormones being off or some mild non PP type depression... I think you should see someone. you're not yourself. So see if you can get some help. And when I hear myself give you that advice, I have to realize that I should take it too.
So, as someone who dealt (and is still) dealing with PPD I can totally relate. But there are a couple things about your post that really stand out to me. I too had dealt with some minor depression in the past. My PPD was NOTHING like that. My PPD was so very different from anything I dealt with in the past.
Mine hit at around 5 months after Lulu was born, which I thought was too late as well. My breaking point was one night after I'd gone back to work and Lulu was in bed. I felt so anxious and overwhelmed that I literally couldn't leave the bathroom. Not kidding, I called for DH, I was sobbing, and he literally carried me out of the bathroom because I was so incapacitated by my PPD and anxiety.
I just remember thinking it couldn't possibly be PPD, it must be hormones or something. But, when I finally went and talked to my doctor, started Zoloft and then finally started therapy...I felt so much relief.
If you think (which means you probably know) that something just isn't right, get some help. There is NO shame in asking for help or feeling overwhelmed. When I finally talked to my doc, her exact words were "Oh man, it really sucks doesn't it?!" Man, I just felt better hearing her say that. And, whether or not you have PPD, you probably need a break anyway.
Being a mom is HARD!
I'm happy to share more or chat or get coffee too. Just remember to take care of yourself, you deserve care too!
Thanks so much, and I'm really glad you are feeling better too! Its really helpful just to see that there are other moms who feel the same way.
I'm a little late to the game...but I wanted to chime in.
It doesn't matter if it's PPD or anxiety or what...you're not feeling okay and you've done the right thing to reach out. Change is the number one stress in people's lives....and you've got a TON of it on your plate right now. You bought a new house, you moved, you have two small children (a change from your previously quiet life) and you're responsible for keeping all of that moving. It would be overwhelming for anyone!!!!!!
So follow the advice of the other gals....call the EAP program, get in to a counselor if you can.
And hang in there....we're all here for you.