Update: - DH wants a seperation

partyg1rl · May 2011

So, we talked about things on Friday finally. DH told me that he only came back because of DD and he'll give it one more go for her. Which I agreed to, but then he told me that this is all my fault, he didn't do anything wrong (which is the underlying thing with every arguement that we have - he is NEVER wrong NEVER!) Anyway, so I'll be going to counselling and I hope he will eventually come around to the idea! He basically told me that I have to do all the work to make this better because he didn't do anything wrong (which is not the case at all - I don't even know what I did to make him mad in the first place). Anyway, the update is that we are not getting seperated but he told me no tolerance if he flys of the handle again its over!

alhal · May 2011

I may be flamed for this response.... but your DH sounds like a total a$$. You guys should be in counseling together. I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off without him.

Yes, of course you guys need to think of your children. But I am not a proponent of couples staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage "for the sake of the children."

GoldenPeaches · May 2011

Sorry to be harsh but he sounds like an immature douche with serious communication issues.

Sounds like you and DD would be better off without him. All of that arguing isn't healthy for a child to be around, and divorces are easiest on children when they are very young. Best of luck with everything.

LauraR326 · May 2011

alhal:

I may be flamed for this response.... but your DH sounds like a total a$$. You guys should be in counseling together. I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off without him.

Yes, of course you guys need to think of your children. But I am not a proponent of couples staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage "for the sake of the children."

My answer was going to be similar.

haleymay18 · May 2011

partyg1rl:

So, we talked about things on Friday finally. DH told me that he only came back because of DD and he'll give it one more go for her. Which I agreed to, but then he told me that this is all my fault, he didn't do anything wrong (which is the underlying thing with every arguement that we have - he is NEVER wrong NEVER!) Anyway, so I'll be going to counselling and I hope he will eventually come around to the idea! He basically told me that I have to do all the work to make this better because he didn't do anything wrong (which is not the case at all - I don't even know what I did to make him mad in the first place). Anyway, the update is that we are not getting seperated but he told me no tolerance if he flys of the handle again its over!

It sounds like he is the one who has a lot to work on. He sounds very stubborn. I think you need to rethink about this, why should you be the one who is working towards a better marriage when he doesn't seem to give a sh*t? It takes two and right now, it looks like you are flying solo.

bsworks75 · May 2011

I agree with Alhal on this one as well. Marriage is a two way street and so is the care for your children. Nothing is ever strictly one person's fault. Easier said than done I know but maybe it would be best if you do get a separation. It almost sounds like he's looking for a way out. Best of luck either way it goes. I know this will be a long tough road but just know that you're strong enough to handle it and come out on top!

Mye · May 2011

alhal:
I may be flamed for this response.... but your DH sounds like a total a$$. You guys should be in counseling together. I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off without him.
Yes, of course you guys need to think of your children. But I am not a proponent of couples staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage "for the sake of the children."

agreed!

Your Dh needs to grow the eff up! So sorry you are going through this

SeaStar430 · May 2011

alhal:
I may be flamed for this response.... but your DH sounds like a total a$$. You guys should be in counseling together. I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off without him.

Yes, of course you guys need to think of your children. But I am not a proponent of couples staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage "for the sake of the children."

This. Your DH sounds like a jerk, I'd kick him to the curb and be glad that my kids are better off without him. The day my husband ever speaks to me that way......let's just say he knows better.

peeper72 · May 2011

So far, everyone here seems to be of the same opinion, including me. He's acting like an immature a-hole.

MrsT2008 · May 2011

yeah. he's a douche. you're not going to be able to save this marriage by yourself and that's exactly what he's making you try to do.

lala1608 · May 2011

I have to agree with the other ladies, he sounds like a total jerk who isn't willing to take any responsibility for anything going wrong or have any part in making it better. He should be 100% willing to do to counseling with you if he wants to save the marriage...I'm so sorry you are going through this!

alexvause · May 2011

yeah, I agree, your husband is a major douche.

Dont let him do you any favors, I would tell him to leave and not come back unless he is willing to be accountable for his actions and go to counseling together.

Belichick · May 2011

I do think you should go to counseling alone, to find out why you are willing to put up with so little from your H.

He is being a total @ss and you deserve better. If he's not willing to work on the marriage with you then you really need to think about ending things. You can't make the marriage work alone and right now it sounds like he is wielding this power over you and wanting to see how far you'll go to get him to stay, I'm sorry, that's gross.

lindseymik13 · May 2011

I agree with everyone else. Honestly I still think you two will eventually seperate. If he thinks it is all you there is a serious problem. I would tell him he needs to go to counseling or it's over. It isn't fair to or your DD and unborn baby. To me he sounds almost abusive (emotionally). Do you really want your children to see that? Unless he changes too nothing will be better.

SiannaBees · May 2011

Sounds like he's being a selfish jerk. Marriage is a two way street, he can't just put the blame all on you and expect that one to end well. Sounds like he's looking for any excuse possible to not make things work. Counseling is only going to work if you BOTH go.

TwoBoxers · May 2011

You should never have to walk on egg shells around someone that is supposed to be your best friend and support. That is what he is making you do. He is saying "you better be good or else". Do you want to live this way? Every day you are going to wake up thinking is today the day. Is that really how you want to live your life?

Summer0715 · May 2011

I am certain that these responses are hard to read but I have to agree with the previous posters. It's important for both individuals to participate in counseling because otherwise neither will know what the other is frustrated or "fed up" with. It seems, from your post, that he is putting unnecessary pressure on you to "fix" his problems that he has with you and his life - but it's not your job to fix him. Best of luck to you and your DD and please keep us posted.

mrskimm09 · May 2011

alhal:

I may be flamed for this response.... but your DH sounds like a total a$$. You guys should be in counseling together. I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off without him.

Yes, of course you guys need to think of your children. But I am not a proponent of couples staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage "for the sake of the children."

I agree 100% with this statement. Sorry.

tosh24 · May 2011

TwoBoxers:

You should never have to walk on egg shells around someone that is supposed to be your best friend and support. That is what he is making you do. He is saying "you better be good or else". Do you want to live this way? Every day you are going to wake up thinking is today the day. Is that really how you want to live your life?

Exactly this. Who the eff is your DH that he thinks his sh!t don't stink and he can get away with treating you like that? I understand you have a daughter together and one on the way, but I don't believe that "staying together for the kids" is a fair excuse for putting up with this behaviour. Neither is "but I love him".

I think you'll do more damage to your kids by sticking around and having them grow up with this poor excuse for a role model, than cutting your ties and providing a safe, loving, and nurturing home for them, even if it doesn't include their father in the same household.

robynlynn83 · May 2011

Summer0715:
I am certain that these responses are hard to read but I have to agree with the previous posters. It's important for both individuals to participate in counseling because otherwise neither will know what the other is frustrated or "fed up" with. It seems, from your post, that he is putting unnecessary pressure on you to "fix" his problems that he has with you and his life - but it's not your job to fix him. Best of luck to you and your DD and please keep us posted.

Ditto. It sounds like he is a piece of work, honestly. Don't let him make you feel bad or like it is JUST your problem. I'd tell him he needs to work on things or be gone.

So sorry you are going through this.

laurenmbride · May 2011

Do you need him financially?

If not, kick his a** out. He's really got some screws loose if he thinks he's perfect, and that it's okay to talk to his pregnant wife this way.

kscarlett5683 · May 2011

There is absolutely nothing here I can add other than I agree with the other posters. I do think it may help you to see how many ladies on this board unilaterally agree!

Relationships are a two way street. Period.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

alhal · May 2011

laurenmbride:

Do you need him financially?

If not, kick his a** out. He's really got some screws loose if he thinks he's perfect, and that it's okay to talk to his pregnant wife this way.

I'm sorry, but this is a lame response. Is she supposed to stay in a miserable marriage because she needs him financially? I'm sure she has family and/or friends that can help her if she is in need. Otherwise, I'm sure she is (or can learn to be) self-sufficient. Not to mention the fact that if they get divorced, he would be required to pay child support.

KYmama9286 · May 2011

((hugs)) I can't imagine how stressful and hard this must be. I know if I was in your shoes my heart would be breaking and while it might be nice to read all the responses about how your husband is being a jerk-- I'm sure it still hurts :-( Being mad and angry is totally understandable but being sad and hurt is too. You obviously married him for a reason and in the next few weeks I would try to focus on those qualities. I dont think you should stay stuck with someone who makes you miserable but I am a firm believer in making marriages work. I think that counseling in general is a good start and hopefully he will decide to at least come occasionally if not start couples counseling completely.

It sounds to me like something else is going on that is not being said whether that is because you dont want to post about it (understandably so) or maybe you dont quite know what is going on but either way I would just really try to calmly open the lines of communication, try and figure out whats causing this change in behavior. Was he always like this or did something seem to give all of a sudden? Good luck!

L8ebugs · May 2011

Hi Partygirl,

I'm so glad you posted an update, I had been thinking about your initial post and worried about what was going on with you.

I'm not going to echo what the others have posted, because that's probably not what you need to hear right now. Just know that you have the strength to survive whatever happens. Even if your hubby doesn't come, you should still go to counseling just to help you deal with the emotions of what is happening. I hope you have a good support network of family or close friends you can confide in that live nearby? Don't try to go through this alone!

Best of luck.

domesticatedhuman · May 2011

My thoughts on the relationship are the same as the other posts, but I wanted to add something about the finances.

I know you are Canadian, so you will be supported financially by the government without him. That is what it's there for, to use it when you need it. If you are staying with him because he pays the bills, you will do better without that. Trust me, I grew up on the Canadian welfare system because my mother left my father, and I am far better off that she did than stay with him. Looking back, I would always choose to be poor than be witness and involved in emotional abuse. And frankly, from the little you described, that is what is happening here.

I also remember your first post when he said he was leaving, and I thought the same thing. If we can see that from the little you have shared of your life that it is abusive, please know that there is so much more you haven't shared that also is. Take care of yourself and please make the best decision for your family. You are strong enough to do this, there are worse things than not having money.

scprincessrn · May 2011

I agree with the previous posters. He reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. We were together 2 years before I finally broke up with him. The only reason I did was because he hit me. He had never done that before and I never thought he would, but that was my final straw. I'm not saying that your husband would stoop to that level but if he is willing to emotionally push you down, who's to say that at some point in the future he will not physically push you. Do not let the emotional abuse continue.

If you choose to say in the marriage, he has to be willing to compromise or it will never work. He just likes having the power over you...show him that he doesn't control you!

chalk bucket · May 2011

Belichick:
I do think you should go to counseling alone, to find out why you are willing to put up with so little from your H.

This is critical. You owe it to yourself and DD to be a strong, independent and respected woman in her eyes. Don't worry about DH. Bottom line, he doesn't want to be with you (that doesn't mean he never loved you) and no amount of perfect behavior on your part or counseling will change his mind if that's what he chooses. I know it hurts and is easier said than done, but my best advice to you...don't be the victim, find your strength before you get broken, start the healing process, discover the woman & mother you were born to be and one day you will be swept away by a man who cherishes you (and your DD) and will treat you with love and respect for the rest of your life.

sportsmomma · May 2011

I just wanted to post to say that I'm thinking about you and praying for you. Pregnancy is such a fragile and emotional time and you really do not need all of this extra stress weighing on you, so I really feel for you. Please take care of yourself and do what's best for you and your LOs.

rubyjem00 · May 2011

To be honest, I can't imagine what you are going through. I just can't. But at the same time, I can't for the life of my figure out why you are willing to stay under his conditions. The fact that you fight all the time and he is never wrong yet he refuses to go with counseling to you should have you stepping back and taking a good, hard look at your marriage.

Like PPs stated, your DD is going to be looking up to you. Surely you don't want her to see someone who allows her husband to walk over her.

Please do to counseling. But do it as part of a separation, at least for the time being. Your husband's refusal to go to counseling or to admit any fault just shows that he truly has not interest in remaining in the marriage.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

partyg1rl · May 2011

Thank you everyone for your posts. I know in my heart that everyone of you is right, and just so you know, DH was not always this way, and I used to be a very confident person...(I don't know when that changed but it has at some point). I grew up with my parents together in a very loving relationship, and I always wanted to give that to my children as well! I realize now that that might not be possible (at least with DH). My plan is to go to counselling for myself and see what arrises from that, whether it be that DH finally comes around to the idea of going for marriage counselling or that I realize that I really am better off a single mom. I always hold out hope that he'll come around, and that his old personality will shine through again!

laurenmbride · May 2011

laurenmbride:

Do you need him financially?

If not, kick his a** out. He's really got some screws loose if he thinks he's perfect, and that it's okay to talk to his pregnant wife this way.

I was speaking in terms of what she should do "right now". I wasn't implying that any woman should be dependant on her partner to be taken care of financially--just that she should have a plan. We're assuming she has family or friends to help her out, but maybe she's not ready to share the intimate details of her relationship with them.

P.S. "Legally required to pay child support", and actually paying child support are two VERY different things.

karaknr · May 2011

I still say I think he is cheating on you. I have had several friends whove had divorces and several whove had a rough patch but stayed together. When one spouse is constantly looking for an out, looking for the absolute worst in their partner, refusing to see any faults of their own, being completely abrasive, unwilling to work on things or to even WANT to work on it there was ALWAYS someone else involved. The agreement he has made to stay is EXACTLY what he said. It's for his kids. It sounds like he doesnt love you at all anymore.

I know that is hard to hear, but if he is SO unwilling to work on his relationship with you then that is exactly where youre at. And as tempting as it may be to stick it out for your daughter, youre only putting off the inevitable. YOU have to take control of the situation. Right now it's in his hands and you didnt even do anything wrong, he is. You need to give him an ultimatum, talk about what exactly is behind his outbursts and YOU decide what YOU are willing to live with. Dont just let him say what he wants and bend over backwards to give it to him.

SO many of my friends have done this thinking that catering to an unwilling, unloving spouse will "fix" them to be in love with them again. What they didnt realize was that the problem wasnt with them, it was with their spouse and unless THEY want to fix it there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things better. Like I said, youre just putting off the inevitable and dragging your children through a mess of an unhappy home. They pick up on that.

I had an ex BF whose parents hated each other for 10 years, lived in the same house in separate bedrooms, rarely spoke and dated other people but they wanted to "stay together" for the sake of their kids. At the end of all this mess after their youngest left the house they finally divorced. Now their daughter is an alcoholic (followed in her moms footsteps) and has commitment issues. Their son (my ex) has a drinking problem as well, is reckless, has commitment issues, has no belief in the traditional family, and is struggling constantly just to make it through life. The mom has since then committed suicide.

Needless to say that them staying together for their kids was detrimental to EVERYONE involved. It's worse than divorce.

DaisyKD · May 2011

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this, I really can't imagine how hard it must be. We are here for support whenever you need to talk.

I do agree with the other posters, it really sounds like your DH has already "checked out".

Good luck with the counseling and whatever you decide to do.

MAMAxB · May 2011

DITTO!

NYGirl02 · May 2011

skyllingstadl:
((hugs)) I can't imagine how stressful and hard this must be. I know if I was in your shoes my heart would be breaking and while it might be nice to read all the responses about how your husband is being a jerk-- I'm sure it still hurts :-( Being mad and angry is totally understandable but being sad and hurt is too. You obviously married him for a reason and in the next few weeks I would try to focus on those qualities. I dont think you should stay stuck with someone who makes you miserable but I am a firm believer in making marriages work. I think that counseling in general is a good start and hopefully he will decide to at least come occasionally if not start couples counseling completely.
It sounds to me like something else is going on that is not being said whether that is because you dont want to post about it (understandably so) or maybe you dont quite know what is going on but either way I would just really try to calmly open the lines of communication, try and figure out whats causing this change in behavior. Was he always like this or did something seem to give all of a sudden? Good luck!

What a great response. I agree wholeheartedly. I am so sorry you are going through this. I just can't imagine.

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Update: - DH wants a seperation

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