DH can't make up his mind (vent)

outlandartist · May 2011

I'm am frustrated with DH on the topic of how many kids we will have. Before we were married he said he wanted 2 or 3 (I always said 2). Then as soon as we got pregnant we even talked about when we wanted to start trying for #2. We made a lot of our major baby purchases based on 2 kids, like the expensive UppaBaby Vista because you can add a second seat. And we bought gender neutral colors of major items (like carseat, etc.) in case the second is a boy. For months since then we've talked about our future with 2 kids.

Now he suddenly is saying, maybe we will only have 1 kid. Granted, he is not 100% set either way. He says we'll see how the first one goes. Why get upset about something that is not set in stone? But just the thought of only one kid is making me so upset, I am bawling about it. I know that sounds irrational, especially since the first kid isn't even here yet and I am dreaming about the second. I guess I've had this vision in my head of a complete family we'll have someday. I am the type who likes to have a plan for the future, and I am uncomfortable with change after getting my hopes up about something. It is hard to get used to the idea that this might be my only pregnancy. I hate the thought of our child being an only child, among other things. I said to him, how can you go around talking as if 2 kids is the way it will be and then change your mind, after all the preparation we've done revolving around 2 babies. I am a worrier too and it is hard to go on thinking what if this is our only child, it changes my perspective on this pregnancy, as if I can't look forward to being pregnant again.

This started out as a happy day, we just got the crib and built it and we got the stroller. I don't know what to think, I just told him how I felt and that I thought we were on the same page and had a plan and he says I should be happy with what I have, nothing is ever set in stone no matter what we discuss and that I'm overreacting. I'm sure it is mostly emotional hormones, but thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

ksevin · May 2011

I wouldn't take it too seriously right now. It can be so overwhelming getting ready for a baby and the anticipation of a baby coming. Maybe this is his way of telling you he's overwhelmed? I wanted 2 kids and when I was pg with DS I told DH I was done with one but over time I changed my mind again. Give him time and cheer up.

melissa.1985 · May 2011

I understand where you're coming from but I think you're getting too far ahead of yourself. I say just wait until you have #1 and see where you both are at.

kateisgreat · May 2011

I'm sorry your DH is upsetting you. I really wouldn't believe anything he says until your LO is here though, I bet he doesn't even know what he really wants right now. My DH tried to pull something similar. After we had been married a few years I mentioned that I would like to start TTC, and he got cold feet and said he didn't want kids at all. Um, that was news to me, since we made sure we are on the same page when we got married (2-3 kids). Obviously he came around, and is really excited now, but I totally understand how frustrating it can be.

soontobemrsdavis · May 2011

melissa.1985:
I understand where you're coming from but I think you're getting too far ahead of yourself. I say just wait until you have #1 and see where you both are at.

This. Maybe the setting up of the crib and getting the stroller kind of hit him,like wow this is real and he can't see beyond 1 at this point. That can always change.

For now enjoy this pregnancy, this baby, these moments.

katie4253 · May 2011

Best advice I've ever been given. "Don't jump off the cliff unless you have to".

Right now you are jumping off the cliff, and your LO isn't even here yet. Just enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, heal up after your LO is here, and then talk about it.

outlandartist · May 2011

Thanks all. You're right, I am getting ahead of myself. I guess he took me off-guard because sometimes he seems more excited about this baby than I am. Taking a step back from it and letting my emotions cool, I am feeling better. I have to accept that I can't always control how things go and plans can change. Whatever happens in the future will work out for the best and it isn't worth worrying over now.

FutureMrsWittig · May 2011

I'm a planner too, and totally see where you're coming from. But I'm willing to bet money that there will come a moment in your LOs early years when you think you're done at one child too.

Being a step-parent I have learned that flexibility is a big part of the game. With my personality that can be really hard to swallow sometimes, but I'm learning. You and your H will too.

Enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, every movement, every change... no matter what the plan for the future is or may become. Life can change with every breath we take. Not everything can be planned for.

tjmtjm · May 2011

melissa.1985:
I understand where you're coming from but I think you're getting too far ahead of yourself. I say just wait until you have #1 and see where you both are at.

Yes

Focus on remaining stress free and cooking healthy baby #1. No need to stress over something like this yet.

google123 · May 2011

Could it be that maybe you were being too 'pushy' and 'overwhelming' on the subject of a second kid. It sounds like all the preparations you've been doing (i.e. buying neutral colored carseats, etc) may just be a bit too much a bit too soon. Why not enjoy the first one....and then later on discuss the second instead of it be a big ordeal. Maybe you guys will want to wait 3-5 years for baby#2, and anyways in that case you would have to buy a new carseat anyways, since the first one would be outdated...same with the stroller.

I think you may have gone a bit overboard with 'second' baby. Men are like that. I even mentioned to my DH one time...'when are we going to have our next baby'...and he was like 'woah, let's just deal with one at a time for now...let me get used to the first one'.

The truth is I'm sure he will want a second baby in the future, but just don't get too crazy about it right now. Focus on your baby now, and just let things go with the flow for the second.

nbbride06 · May 2011

My DH has actually been the opposite lately which is kind of funny. I mentioned maybe taking a trip abroad when LO is around 2 and DH said, "you'll probably be pregnant." Funny thing is, I've always said I'd like to wait a little longer between kids so that caught me off guard. I think it's a day to day/fear of the unknown thing. I wouldn't worry about it right now. Cross that bridge when you actually get to it.

BTW - we also picked a lot of gender neutral stuff for the same reason.

amygoable · May 2011

outlandartist:
Thanks all. You're right, I am getting ahead of myself. I guess he took me off-guard because sometimes he seems more excited about this baby than I am. Taking a step back from it and letting my emotions cool, I am feeling better. I have to accept that I can't always control how things go and plans can change. Whatever happens in the future will work out for the best and it isn't worth worrying over now.

Exactly. Neither of you know what having a baby will be like quite yet, and it's quite daunting thinking of raising two rather than just one. You only need to have them one at a time, and you certainly don't need to prep for number 2 until he or she is on his or her way. This baby was a big shock to us, and even though we had planned for twins last time (overwhelming doesn't cover it), it's still just nuts to imagine what it will be like to have a second. One crazy new worry at a time is how I take it!

dairygirl19 · May 2011

Ditto pp.

This is one of those worry about it when you have to things. It will work itself out down the line for sure!

lissiealkie · May 2011

He is probably getting a little worried about things and how much of a change having a baby is. Don't forget that he's going through changes, too, although they're not half of what you are going through. MH did the same thing when I was preggo with DS. He still changes his mind on the possibility of having a third, too. Its just him working through it. Try not to let it get to you. Once you have the baby you will both have a better idea on the whole situation.

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