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Its all seems like a cruel joke

JennyB1976JennyB1976
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I have visted this board and creeped the Nov 2011 Mommy page.  I never posted or signed up but now I need to tell my story.  I dont know how this is going to help me but I just need to write. 

To Start off I have three amazing boys 8,11 & 14 My husband and I were not trying to have another baby, but alas we found out we were pregnat with # 4 on March 14th 2011  I had my suspisions but still shocked at the results.   My intial reaction was oh no I dont want this"which I now feel so bad for"   to god has a plan for this baby.  We reached the thrid month and now getting really excited.

We told everyone and started making big plans.   On Thursday may 5 I went in for a prenatal ultrasound.   My ultra sound tech used the internal wand because she could not get a good read with the reg over the tummy one.    At this point she is not talking at all or letting me see the monitor, but i figured since this was not a reg. ultrasound this was normal.   She told me my Doc would have the info from the the ultrasound in the morn.    

I went home and laster that evening I had some brown discharge.  I checked online and it writes that it can happen when the cervix is aggravated.   Later on I had some mild spotting. I made a Dr. appt first thing in the morn "not to check my results but to make sure everything was okay due to the spotting"    At the Dr. office my back was starting to hurt pretty bad.  I finally seen the Dr. and he explained to me the heart stopped beating and I will go on to miscarry.  He said to expect alot of blood and watch for a fever then gave me papers to call the ultra sound place to make sure everything has left my body in a couple of days.

Now I have had a miscarrige before before my kids were born  I was 5 weeks pregnant and thought I knew what I was instore for "cramps,blood and clots"        not the case for 13 weeks pregnant:(

I went to the Pharmacy to buy pads. while standing inline I felt this pop,then a hudge gush of water came flowing out.  I knew right away my water broke "but I had no idea that would happen"   we both hurried home. I started getting contactions and then I counted them down then ran to the bathroom and a bloody mess:(  

I soaked pads by the hour and the apin would come and go till I had this excrushating pain a pain not three tylenol 3's could take care of.

I was about to go to the hospital but I decided a hot bath may soothe.   While sitting in a hot tub that is now a bright colour of red I was rockig back and forth on my knees.   I finally felt relief when something came out.   My baby inside the sack.  I could see it.  I went into shock.  My poor husband had to help me and see the bloody tub and the fetus in my hand:(  

I cant believe my doctor sent me home,   I had no idea this would happen.  It was different and I was so scared"I am still scared.  I am no longer in physical pain but the emotianl pain will last a lifetime im sure.

I am sorry for such a graffic and disturbing post.  I just wanted to tell my story.  

I went from not wanting  this baby to loving this baby that must of have a real purpose to this life and then have him/her taken away from me.  It feels like was thier any point at all going through this emotional roller coster?  It seems like a cruel and sick joke:(

Sorry for my spelling mistakes.

Jenny

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Re: Its all seems like a cruel joke

  • evaslechtaevaslechta
    I cannot imagine. I am so sorry. Not that that helps any at all. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you find some peace among this board. It has truely helped me.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • TeganTegan

    I'm so sorry for your loss and that you went through that. :( You never have to apologize for graphic-ness or length of posts. It can help to write about your pain.

    I hope you will find comfort here.

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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    You are Gone, but not Lost Forever: A Blog
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  • dawnrob5dawnrob5 member
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. These past 2 miscarriages have brought me through depths of pain and heartache i did not know existed. I'm sorry that your doctor did not handle things with a little more care. As if the pain of your loss was not enough, the experience sounds unbearable. I am wishing for you that each day you will find more moments of peace and clarity and that in time you will find healing. xo
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  • AgWife83AgWife83
    I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't worry about sharing a graphic story here; it's always good to let these things out if you feel you need to. I saw my baby in the sac too, you're not alone. (((hugs)))

    BFP 2.19.11 - Missed miscarriage, April 2011
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  • yogiwannabmomyogiwannabmom
    I was supposed to be a November 11 mommy too. My m/c story was very similiar to yours except I passed the baby in the ER. I know what your going through and all the ladies here have been great. Sorry for your loss.
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  • JennyB1976JennyB1976
    Thank you all so much!   The support from this board is amazing.  I really believe it helps so much with the healing process:)   Thank you, thank you:)
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