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Should I reach out? (kinda long sorry)

mdotm0904mdotm0904 member
in Single Parents

I usually just lurk here (sorry). I've posted a couple of times & have gotten very real & down to Earth feedback from you all. So I thought I'd try again. Long story short. Not with BD anymore. Broke up very early in pregnancy after less than a year of dating. Things remained tense between us for a long time because he didn't think the "relationship" should have ended. I tried to remain friends because of the baby but it was causing me too much stress & I got tired of him making me feel guilty for being happy about this pregnancy (do I wish the circumstances were different, yes, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm excited to become a mom.) So I made the decision to cut off all contact & communication unless it had to do with the baby.

Anyway, he's been aware of the pregnancy from Day 1, but hasn't reached out about the baby at all in MONTHS. He's gone back & forth about his potential level of involvement based on my actions toward him (ie since i hurt him so bad he was "letting me have her all to myself"). He's tried to hang out by inviting me out to dinner a couple of times in the past few weeks but each time I've turned him down. I have no desire to be around him anymore. I'm currently on his car insurance until June (he owes me money & has been paying it monthly to pay down the debt) & he was able to email me extensively about his balance & my plans once the policy is up, so I feel like since he could do that, if he wants to ask about the baby he can do that via text or email, there's no need to have a face to face conversation. I don't think it's necessary for us to be friends & go out to dinner just because we have a child together. We only need to be civil.

So my question, a times I do feel kinda conflicted & wonder if I'm making the right decision by completely shutting him out. Logically I tell myself that this needs to be done for my sanity & emotional health. & that I'm not stopping him from being involved. He made his own decisions by his actions. Other times I feel like I should stop avoiding him & reach out to him to tell him I want to talk about the baby, like what his intentions are after she's born. Shoot, to actually let him know he has a DAUGHTER coming. He doesn't even know that it's a girl (unless he's facebook stalked my mom or something). Maybe discuss visitation arrangements if he so chooses? Or should I just forget about him & let it ride until she's here & see how he acts then? I know that if he doesn't sign her birth certificate he has no legal rights to her until we come to court & they order DNA testing. So I'm trying to figure out if I should just not have him sign it so that he can't just pick her up & not have to bring her back to me (since he'll have equal rights to her once he's on her certificate & there'll be no custody order in place) or just wait until we go to court & let the court work out visitiation/child support. He was very spiteful towards his ex wife when it came to court/custody so I'm paranoid when it comes to dealing with him.

The other question was already answered in another post (should I invite him to witness the birth. I think i've decided not to have him around during labor. I'll call him after we're home & settled. He doesn't deserve to witness her being born)

Any ideas?

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Re: Should I reach out? (kinda long sorry)

  • septmom11septmom11 member
    If all he does is stress you out then you should stay clear of unnecassary contact with him, its not good for you or baby.  I am just figuring this out myself and have stopped trying to involve my ex for right now  because all it is doing is stressing me out and upsetting me
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  • fromthewombfromthewomb
    Being by myself through this pregnancy was realllyyyyyy hard at first, but not nearly as difficult as spending time with my XH. Eventually it got better and now I am soooo happy with just being around my family and the people who REALLY love me. Stress has gone down so much too.
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  • cemacmilcemacmil

    imagefromthewomb:
    Being by myself through this pregnancy was realllyyyyyy hard at first, but not nearly as difficult as spending time with my XH. Eventually it got better and now I am soooo happy with just being around my family and the people who REALLY love me. Stress has gone down so much too.

    This. The stress doesn't go away, but out of sight out of mind does help. Not that I don't have to deal with him (or that I am avoiding my feelings, I am in counseling) but it is so nice to have my own life, my own enviornment - I missed out on it for so long...its nice to be building it back.

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  • sweetie0228sweetie0228 member

    Even if he's on the BC he has no legal custody or visitation until there is a COURT ORDER saying so unless you were married at the time of birth.

    I say this in almost every post

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  • mommymoore2011mommymoore2011
    imagesweetie0228:

    Even if he's on the BC he has no legal custody or visitation until there is a COURT ORDER saying so unless you were married at the time of birth.

    I say this in almost every post

     

    And if his name isn't on BC then he will have to pay to get a DNA test if he is so inclined to do that much for his child.

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