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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
1220winterbride
member
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
:::Weekend Confessions:::
1220winterbride
member
I'm assuming we don't need a separate Sat & Sun edition. Come on in women and let it all out.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: :::Weekend Confessions:::
I'm dreading Mother's Day. I don't want to call my mother or grandmothers. Wish it was over.
I want to be a Mom. I want my baby. I wish I was still pregnant.
I deleted my loss ticker. I'm not exactly sure why. I might put it back up but today I want to focus on getting healthy and getting pregnant again.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
I signed up for my insurance company's prenatal program the day we found out I was pregnant. Yesterday I got a call from one of the program's representatives congratulating me. I explained about the miscarriage. She expressed her symptathies, then launched into a sermon about how I should be grateful that god wanted my baby so much. I don't believe in god--never have, never will--but I usually keep that to myself. This time, however, I responded with, "That's the biggest load of *** I've ever heard. How is that supposed to make me feel better, even if I did believe that crap?" She was understandably speechless, so I just hung up on her. I feel bad that I unloaded on a stranger like that, especially one who was just trying to make me feel better. I suppose I should give myself a pass, considering the circumstances, but it's going to be tough. I don't usually act like that: I'm a smile-and-say-thank-you kind of girl, one who does not usually initiate a confrontation, even when provoked.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
No seriously, she said that? I'm sorry, but that's just an AWFUL thing to say to a perfect stranger. And kind of an awful thing to say in general to someone who has had any kind of loss.
"Oh, your husband died? I'm sorry, but you should be greatful that God wanted him more than you."
WTF did she expect you to say? "You're so right, I don't even know why I'm sad!" FFS.
You. WIN.
BFP 2.19.11 - Missed miscarriage, April 2011
i LOVE that you told her off. you did it for all of us.
Regardless of your beliefs, I think almost anyone would take offense to that comment! I'm getting annoyed by the typical "Im sorry, maybe it just wasnt ment to be." or "Maybe it was for the best, there could have been something wrong with the baby." Who the hell are you to tell me if it wasnt ment to be or not? I havent snapped yet, but I am sure if caught on the wrong day I will. All I know is that I want my baby more than anything. I am mad that tomorrow is mothers day. I was looking forward to getting a card or something, even if I was only going to be a mother-to-be. Also, my DH and I were considering going out of town for a few days and I had mentioned this to my mother. She got real quiet, and I asked her whats wrong. I could tell she was upset. She wouldnt tell me, so after we hung up I realized that sunday is mothers day. I called the next day to tell her i figured out why she was upset and to say that we werent even sure if we were going anywhere. She apologized and said that she realized that it was selfish to get upset because she knows that this holiday is not one that I will really want to celebrate. I love her dearly, but sometimes I wish she wasnt so easily upset and emotional. Sometimes I feel like I am the mother and that I have to take care of her feelings. This week has just been full of ups and downs. I am ready for some consistancy.
So we took my SIL who is 5 weeks postpartum to go get her new clothes since she can't afford any new ones to fit her right now. And we all pitched in to buy her over $150 worth of clothes..(and by all I mean me, her mother, and her two sisters). So she thanked us, but the whole time she was just texting and it felt like we were inconviencing her. So I go to work that night, and her family takes her to get her hair cut and dyed, and they told me she seemed angry, so my other sister in law (her sister) asked her what was wrong, and she said "I guess I won't be able to hang out with my friends tonight"
So the other surprise we had for her (and this is all because she had a baby and can't afford to buy him anything, not because she is a good human being) was that we were going to buy her a crib (because her kid sleeps in a playpen) and set it up for her as a surprise. So we asked her to be available all night and she gets SO angry and is really pissed because she can't go and hang out with her friends. She is 20 and ridiculous, by the way.
So I get off work and head to the house they live in, and my husband is watching her kid. And told me he had been for the last 5 hours. All I see is that she is sulking around and throwing things because she couldn't go out until her mom and sister came back with the crib (she didn't know we were getting her a crib, it was a surprise). She was like "If this day is supposed to be all about me, it's really angering that I can't even go out"
And we are just taking care of her kid the WHOLE time she is getting ready. Eventually, and after her mom told her over the phone not to leave because she has work early and didn't want to be up with the baby, she just left.
And when she was ALREADY out the door about to close it she said "Oh you guys are okay to watch him right?"
UGH! She just left her baby to go out with friends. It was like a damn episode of teen mom. So I said yeah, because I would honestly rather him be with me than out wherever the hell she was going.
And the thing that gets me the MOST and makes me so angry, is that she lied to her mom and said "Oh my friend had a miscarriage so we went to the hospital"....no she didn't....because 5 minutes before she left the girl who supposedly had this miscarriage texted her "can we go out already?" and two hours before that they were going out to the club or whatever. So she had a miscarriage in those two hours? No. I was LIVID. I wanted to scream "No, I have had a miscarriage, and you don't go pick up your friend before you go to the hospital. You are LYING about someone having a miscarriage to get out of taking responsibility for being a bad mom."
I know this was a book. I'm sorry. But I just looked over at this kid that she had barely touched all night and was so sad. She gets to have him, and my baby is dead. God I hate everything. I hope once she sees we bought her a crib she will feel like a horrible person, but I doubt it.
Wow. All I can say after reading all of the above confessions and the ridulous, rude people we've all recently encountered is "wow".
One of my patients whose appointment with me was cancelled during the time I was off for my m/c and D&C came in to see me on Friday for his rescheduled appointment. As soon as he walked in my office he launched into this diatribe about how inconvenienced he was by my clinic cancellation (he's retired, BTW) and then said, "well glad to see you FINALLY came back to work". I usually do not let patients get to me or know anything about my private life, but it really p!ssed me off, so I said, "Well, I'm very sorry that the loss of my baby inconvenienced you, but we're both here now, so what can I do for you today?" He off course felt awful and sheepishly said how sorry he was, blah, blah blah. People are so friggin' rude. I realize there's no way he could have known why I was out of the clinic, but he's been my patient for years and knows I don't cancel patients to go get a manicure or something.
Endometriosis, s/p lap 2009
Behcet's disease, s/p partial vulvectomy 2010
Started bromocriptine to lower prolactin level 2010
Clear HSG 11/2010
DH morphology = 4, rest of SA looked good 01/2011
02/2011 First Clomid 50mg cycle
BFP 03/02/2011
No heartbeat at 10w5d 04/18/2011; D&C 04/23/2011
07/2011 Second Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
08/2011 Third Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
10/2011 First Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
11/2011 Second Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
12/2011 Third Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFFN
01/2012 Fourth Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = ?
i just want to wake up tomorrow and have this damn md over and done with.
i feel horrendous about the fact that i can't bring myself to do what is right and just focus on my mom today. i am so blessed to have her in my life. she is a cancer survivor so every day with her is a god send, but dammit i just dont want to do it today.
I think I'm in the minority here, when I say that celebrating Mother's Day just days after my m/c doesn't bother me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I never saw my baby or heard a heartbeat. I never considered this to be my first Mother's Day.
I'm going to brunch this morning with my mom, my sisters (one of whom is a mom), my BIL's parents (who are good friends of ours) and BIL's grandparents. I am worried that others will feel like they can't celebrate and be happy today because of me, but it's important to me that I be there to celebrate my family members and good friends who are awesome moms. Especially my mom, who has been right by my side through all of this.