What do I say?

kclg10 · May 2011

My good friend K had her baby at 25 weeks and 3 days last Friday... she went to the ER with complaining that she had a lot of pressure on her cervix. Ends up she was totally dilated! They did an emergency C/S and the baby was breathing on his own but they decided to give him a little help. They took him from the hospital she was at to a near by children's hospital... K woke up after 2am on Saturday and had no idea where her baby was. She was freaking out... she begged to be released. They finally did that evening... The baby was doing good on Saturday and Sunday, but Monday they found out he had 2 brain bleeds. After talking with the DR they had to come to a decision... *if* the baby stays alive he will be blind, deaf and mentally challenged... baby JDT passed away on Tuesday.

During this whole time, K was texting me... I felt so bad that I couldn't be there for her and I could never find the right words to say (text), she isn't ready to talk on the phone yet. The memorial was on Thursday and I couldn't be there due to a prior work obligation. She sent me a message today telling me she was not doing good and she doesn't know what to do, she just can't stop crying. She went back to her home town to be with family for a while. I would give anything just to leave right now and be with her and cry with her.

I just don't know what to do! I know words aren't going to make her feel any better but I feel like I am a horrible friend for not being able to say anything! It's not that I don't have feelings, but I guess it's just hard for me to put them on paper.

When K first found out she was pregnant, she was scared... like really scared! She wasn't married yet, just engaged. She didn't grow up with baby siblings or cousins, I don't even think she had really held a baby before. I saw her 2 weeks ago... you should of seen her. She was so excited! Showing me everything she had registered for, what baby room colors she had picked... the excitement of being a mom finally set in. She was so happy. I was so happy for her.

I guess I just needed to write this to just "talk" to someone about it. I am hurting so bad for her and I just can't imagine what she is going through.

tigerhearted · May 2011

Oh my god, what a nightmare. What a horrific loss for her, and for all of you.

" I would give anything just to leave right now and be with her and cry with her."

"I know words aren't going to make her feel any better"

I would tell her just what you said right there. Good luck, t&p's for your friend. *hug*

Sweetest116 · May 2011

Oh my goodness my heart ached reading that. My thoughts and prayers are with your friend.

She might just need a friend. Words stink sometimes, they don't come out right and they seem so stupid in tough times like this. I would buy some flowers, her favorite candy, go over and watch a good cheesy movie with her and be a friend... if she talks then listen, if she doesn't then you did exactly what a friend should do - be there.

Good luck...

Tea712 · May 2011

I think the PPs said it all in terms of advice.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry, what an awful situation.

gigismomma · May 2011

This is such a horrible thing and I am sorry for your friend's loss.

As for you being a bad friend, NO WAY. If I was you I would tell my friend I am here for her when she comes back in town. Also I would tell her if she needed anything I would do my best to help her. Also keeping in mind my personal agenda and letting her know vague details or when I can be there for her.

Maybe you can contact her family? Let them know you will be there for her when she gets back.

This is just so sad.....

tf0526 · May 2011

how awful.

I know it is a different scenario, but my brother passed away from cancer last year. All the "I'm so sorry"s and the "I can't even imagine"s meant a lot to me. Even when you don't know what to say, just a text/email/voicemail etc saying "thinking about you" means a lot. Nobody knows what to say in those situations, and it's silly to pretend otherwise no matter how close you are to her. I bet she'll also need you in a few months when others are back to their normal lives, and she'll still be grieving, so keep that in mind as well.

ADMCA · May 2011

Oh hunny, there are no words. No words are going to make her feel better or take the sting out. All you can do is be there for her. Let her cry. Let her get angry. Let her fall to pieces, and make sure she knows you're there to help pick her up again.

My heart just breaks for her. I hope she heals quickly and fully. And I hope she has other friends like you as well. She's going to need a village right now.

Edited to include:

I have a friend who miscarried a while ago. I took the day off work, drove out to her town, hit a grocery store and bought every kind of junk food you can imagine (read: every kind of chocolate ice cream they had), and just spent the day with her. It was an opportunity for her to let it all out.

I don't think it's about saying the right thing, or helping to fix it, or even helping to take the pain away. I think it's more about just being there. Be a sounding board. My T&P are with her for healing, and with you as well as you help her through this awful ordeal.

Betsy Boo · May 2011

When my bff had a miscarriage I wasn't in town, nor could I get there in a reasonable amount of time. She had a hard time talking on the phone as well.

I had my mom make dinner & take it to her house. She was so grateful .. and something that doesn't neccessarily stay in the house (card/flowers).. so it wasn't a reminder of the loss.. but since she has other kids it was nice not to have to worry about something a silly as dinner. IDK.. just an idea.

reinstone · May 2011

I wouldn't know what to say except that you're there for her. That you haven't forgotten. That she doesn't have to go through this alone and that you'll be there when she needs you.

You might try posting this on the MC/PL board as well (lurk first to see if it is out of place or not). I posted there when a friend lost her baby at 8 weeks and got some good ideas about how to (and how not to) support her.

GL, T&Ps headed her way.

kclg10 · May 2011

Thanks everyone for your kind words!!

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