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Vent: Tough relationship with my mom, and Mother's day.
This will be long. It's been weighing on me and I need to get it out.
I don't think I have talked about this much on here....but my mom and I have always had a tough relationship.
It's been hard lately, and yesterday I tried to pick mothers Day cards- and I was reminded how much I just wish things were different. =(
I love her more than anything in the world, but she is very challenging to be around. She is very self centered and if you cross her in any way, she is dramatic, over bearing, emotional and just out of control. She cries, hangs up the phone, gives guilt trips, etc. The argument is never about whatever issue is at hand, but rather how she reacts to it. I have often felt she was the child and I am the adult.
Throughout my life, I have tried letters, yelling, talking, therapy, more letters, more talking, more yelling, etc. Nothing works. So, really, the last few years I have been forcusing on myself in the relationship because I learned that I can't fix her, but I can manage how I relate and respond to her.
However, I have noticed things are getting worse, and it is concerning DH and I. Since my brother could care less, and my mom is single, this situation is lying on my shoulders. I am worried about the long term problems that will come up and am trying to face them.
Here is an example:
When my mom calls me, 2-3 times a day, I answer and she goes a million miles a minute about this and that and never stops to ask me what I am doing. Usually I am scrambling with the kids running, climbing on me, needing to eat etc. She is clueless to anything going on on the other end of the line. I have to cut her off and then she gets irritated. If I don't answer she calls over and over and leaves nasty messages.
After weeks of this, I CALMLY said, " Could I talk to you about something?" I explained that when she called it would help me if she could maybe make sure it is a good time, and perhaps ask what I am doing to see if I could talk.
All hell broke lose. "I need to ask you to call, then?" she said.... Then she said, "fine Melissa, I see." "I can't believe you treat me this way, I only wanted to ask what you wanted to eat for Easter". She cried profusely and hung up on me.
I sat there with my mouth opened. What the heck just happened? There is no logic, no self reflection. I was kind in my approach but she just loses it.
Since then, she has refused to call me, it's been like 5 days. I called her and she was short and rude, obviously offended.
Uggg, it's just so frustrating. There is nothing I can tell her without a total emotional brreakdown and guilt like you wouldn't believe. It's been this way for years. I just hate it.
So yesterday I was looking at Mothers Day cards and I was sad. Sad that our relationship has to be this way and that I missed out on having a Mom who I connected with.
Please please please note, I hope I do not sound selfish. I know I am lucky to have my mom, and some of you would do anything for that. I love my mom very much and just wish things were different. Just a battle I am having with myself right now.
I don't know if I am asking for advice or what... but it felt good to write that out.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent: Tough relationship with my mom, and Mother's day.
((Hugs)) to you Melissa. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.
I've had my own issues with my mother, through the years, and I can empathize with some of your issues.
I've learned, like you, that I can only focus on myself and how I react to situations.
I know that feeling of *being the adult* in this dynamic, and it just plain sucks.
Hopefully she'll come around (even though the issue will most likely still be there when she does). Just please know you are a great woman, and you did nothing wrong when trying to talk to your mom.
I'm sorry.
That just sucks, but I can understand how you feel. It isn't about being selfish so much as wishing your mother considered you, your feelings or your life before barging in, unloading all about her and then dashing off.
No advice, just hugs.
You may want to take this with a grain of salt as it's coming from someone that hasn't spoken to her mother two syllables more than required since 1998, but I think sometimes you have to be willing to let things get harder before they get better.
It stinks that it's Mother's Day this weekend with this going on, but why is it a big deal that you haven't spoken in more than 5 days? If you need to let the day go by awkwardly to facilitate having a better relationship with her, then this is going to be a tough year for Mother's Day and hopefully next year is better. You made a reasonable request, she's reacting to it in an unreasonable fashion. You haven't done anything wrong. So don't act like a person that's done something wrong.
Call her when you wish to, respect if she doesn't want to talk. At some point, she'll call - and she'll probably be rude or faking some emergency so she can return to her prior behavior. If it's not a good time - don't answer. If she leaves nasty messages - so what? Delete them. If you answer, let her say what she wants, then respond with "I'm having a good day, Mom. Thanks for asking. I'm in the middle of making dinner." Pretend that she asked you the question you need to be asked. As long as you continue responding in the same way - you're going to continue to get treated the same way.
Beyond that, do you have her Dr's phone number? A call to him may be warranted if her behavior is escalating. Some medication may do wonders for her anxiety level.
You do not sound selfish at all. In fact, you may be suprised how many people struggle with the same issues you are facing. I had a strained relationship with my father for years. It got to the point where I decided it was time for me to move on and I cut him out of my life. I'm certainly not suggesting that you do this, but it is always an option if the relationship continues to be as toxic as it is right now.
I know I don't know you, your mother or the specifics of the situation, but it sounds like your mom could use some counseling herself. Even if she sought counseling (like my father did at one point) it doesn't mean that she would have the ability to recognize her problems. Many people are simply incapable of self-reflection and a greater understanding of how their behavior affects others.
It's very painful when you don't have a good relationship or any relationship at all with a parent. There is nothing wrong with having a profound sense of loss during times like mother's day and other special times. You are mourning the mother you deserve and the mother you wish she could be. It sounds like you are at the point where you've started to move in the right direction by not engaging in her behavior. After all, you only have control how you react to someone, not how they behave. Now give yourself a break and allow yourself to grieve the fact that you will never have the mother you deserve. You now need to work on whether you are able to maintain a relationship with your mother without allowing her to affect you and your family in a negative way. Many people are able to do this, many people are not. If you cannot get to that place where you do not allow her to have that power and control, you may have to make a more drastic decision.
After years of continual dysfunction, I found that I could not do it any longer. It wasn't an easy decision and it still reverberates at random times. However, I am comfortable with my decision and know that it was right for me and my family.
Spend your time on Mother's Day thinking about what a spectacular mother you're becoming by learning from her mistakes. This day needs to be a focus on you and your family. You are, after all, being celebrated too. Hang in there.
Thank You for the advice. I really appreciate it and I am hoping I can get there.
What you mentioned- rising above her and not getting emotionally involved is what I am working on. It's just a daily battle.
not guilty- Thank You so much for responding. I have debated that question many times..... but I am terrified of what HER life will be without me. I just can't do it yet.
I am sorry you have had a similar situation with your father, but it looks like you came through it in a healthy way. hugs to you too!
I have mommy issues too. My mom used to be a very toxic figure in my life; in many ways some similar to your mom. I finally had to do what you have done and focus on myself for about the past 3-4 years. Things have transitioned now to a calmer place, but it is still hard. I too experience the same issue with cards for Mother's day as well as her birthday this past weekend. I also struggle with the guilt I feel as if I am at fault for her actions and behavior, or that I am not there for her as much as my brother.
Just know you aren't alone and your mom needs to respect you just as much as she is demanding things from you. Hugs.
I'm sorry Melissa. That is a very stressful and painful relationship for you. Please don't feel you ever have to apologize or justify or rationalize your feelings. Just because someone else would love to have their mother around doesn't mean that you should have to tolerate your very difficult mother-daughter relationship with a smile and gratitude.
It sounds like you've come to learn you cannot and will not change your mother. I am a firm believer that we have no moral obligation to continue relationships with people who are destruction and abusive to us. Have you thought about taking a page from your brother and significantly limiting your interaction with her? I realize that would have repercussions in terms of her anger and hurt but if you're not on the other end of the phone line you won't be hearing her anger and hurt being directed at you. Maybe you're not ready for that step yet though.
I know some people feel they can't "abandon" their parents because they'll be alone then but my thought is that the person is alone through their own actions - they failed to create and maintain the relationship. Just giving birth to someone does not entitle one to lifelong devotion from that person, kwim?
I hope you find a way to make this relationship fit in your life in a way that is less painful for you. Good luck sweetie.
I find a lot of peace in my decision regarding cutting my mother out because of how I did it - aside from the act of doing it to begin with. I made a specific list of what I needed from her and what I was willing to commit to to restablish a relationship if she met those conditions - surprisingly, it wasn't very long with only 3 things on it. I listed my commitments also b/c I didn't want her to have any delusions that things could just go back to the way they were and we would be BFFs right away - there will be years worth of damage to work through healing.
I met her for lunch in a public place, told her why I asked her there, asked her not to respond while I told her each thing on the list, gave her the list and then I got up and left. I told her that would be the last time we spoke until she started working on what I had given her. She was upset and did start to make a scene, but I was out the door before it could get awful. I drove away and spent a few hours alone letting what I had just done sink in. Then I ignored all further phone calls & messages.
I actually had communicated these things to her the first time I stopped speaking to her in 1992, but not so clearly or maturely. I thought we had a breakthrough in 1998 when my dad passed, and we spoke but within 3 days, she'd broken the first request & wanted to be BFFs again. That's when I decided on being more clear as above. Now my siblings keep me informed of how she is but understand that they will not persuade me to change my mind.
Whenever I feel sad about the way things are (or other people try to guilt me about it - b/c they do), I remind myself that I told her exactly what she needs to do if she wants to see/speak with me. She is the person who has to own whether or not she does those things. I'm not being a big meannie - I'm just requesting that she treat me like a decent human being. Then I think about the positive gifts I have from her and silently thank her for those - like my creativity or ability to tell a good story.
I agree with ALL of this! There is absolutely no way I could have said it any better.
I don't have a lot to say other than I'd be stressed and feeling guilty about not being her everything as well. I hope there is a way for you to build a semi-functional relationship off of what is.
I can't say I can understand your exact problem but I know what it's like to be wistful about how you wish things could be a bit different.
Hugs
My mom reacts very similarly when given "criticism" (even though I know that's not what you're doing). She overreacts and is big on making me feel guilty. I don't have any advice, but know that I can relate, and it sounds like you deal with it in a much nicer way than I do. It's tough to feel so annoyed and frustrated by someone you love so much, and feeling like the parent to your parent is very upsetting. My mom has acted this way for the last few years for some reason, and I miss the relationship we used to have.
It sounds like you are handling things the best way you know how, and you're being respectful and trying to make things work with her. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but please try not to feel guilty.