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Babies: 3 - 6 Months
Mommy2Rider
member
Go ahead, flame me, but I have something to say.
Mommy2Rider
member
I just read a previous post and rather than reply there, I'm replying here because there were too many people i wanted to quote and respond to. The post was the one about the MIL wanting baby to visit her at work...ok, I can understand not wanting to bring baby there today because she is sick. Totally understandable!! But this is more in response to a few others who posted..
A couple of you mentioned that your own mothers see your LO often, and that you get aggravated that your MIL wants to see your LO more. That it's your child, blah blah blah. Yes, it is your child! But it's also your MIL's grandchild...the child of her son, who she loves dearly. Some of you might legitimately have crazy MIL's, it happens...but is it so terrible that your MIL wants to spend time with your baby who she loves just like she loves her own child, your DH? My MIL has her days where she drives me absolutely nuts, but I will never deny her time with DS because I know how much she loves him (he is the 16th grandchild, and when she is with him he is the center of her world, just like each of the others is on their own time)!
It just gets under my skin when I see people denying their LO's time with family who loves them. I know there are exceptions, that some family members are crazy and there are real reasons to keep LO away...but really if your DH's family just wants to show love...what's the big deal?? Some people also mentioned that they don't really let other people hold their LO. That is your choice, but really?? I couldn't imagine keeping Rider from my family or DH's...hugs, kisses, the works! I'm also not saying to spend every free second with them either, but once a week or every other week isn't that big of a deal!
Maybe it's because both myself and DH come from large, supportive families (and we do not take that for granted for one second, and both fully understand that not everyone is so blessed). I just feel like my MIL/FIL, especially, have a right to see their grandchild...after all, without them Rider wouldn't be here! They had a large part in his life all because they chose to have my DH and I'm grateful to them for that.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Go ahead, flame me, but I have something to say.
Same. With the exception that some people are seriously crazy. I can see someone not wanting their child around that. My mom and her MIL (my grandmother) did not get a long, but my mother never kept me from seeing her and always showed her respect.
yep.
Situations like this make me equally as sad. I hope it gets better in the future!
This
"Although my mom does DH and I a huge favor and will take DD to daycare and pick her up and be at my house with her each day when I get home I just cannot seem to find it that it is my MIL's right to see my child every weekend. My mom and I are like best friends so it does not bother me to see my mom each day and she cares for my DD the way I want her cared for. My MIL has had 3 kids and you would think that she has never been around one the things that she does with DD until I finally take my baby away from her. Also let me note that once I get home each day my mom leaves so it is not like she stays all evening playing with DD. She is basically my taxi service. I just get the answer sometimes from people I vent to about MIL that I should let her do what she wants and see DD when she wants b/c my mom sees DD daily. "
This is (part of) the quote from your post. I guess you didn't elaborate that your MIL doesn't care for your LO the way you would prefer, which raises a different set of issues. But what I got out of your post was that your MIL is essentially jealous of the time your mom gets to spend with LO and is looking for reassurance that she is important too. Your mom might leave right away, but your MIL doesn't know that...all she knows is your mom gets to see Lo every single day. My MIL, like I said, has 16 grandkids, but with each one it is like she's never had one at all because she loves each one sooo much. I also welcome the break and let her hold him all she wants when we are with her...my back, legs, and hips need the break!
Heck....I would LOVE it if I had to beat down the grandmothers to get to my child. Alas....I almost feel like I need to pay my MIL to come see her grandchild.
Unless there are some SERIOUS issues with the way your MIL takes care of a child, I would consider this childish and lame. Or maybe I'm just jealous that you family that cares enough to want to spend time with your child.
EXACTLY! and I hope we all remember how much we complained (and I'm not innocent, I've certainly done my fair share!)
Yep I really did not elaborate with examples of what she does with DD that I do not think should be done. Let's just say she is too young for some of the things that MIL tries to do with her and too young for the things she tries to have her play with. DD is just now able to start holding stuff on her own and MIL would cram items in her hand and it was a bit too forceful hence the fact that I stated I have to take my baby back. But anyway I get your point and I am grateful to have my mom and MIL live near us to watch DD grow up. MIL has never mentioned she was jealous but it makes sense that she would be. I guess it would be a way too long of a letter to really explain my reasoning for saying and feeling the way that I do so I will just refrain from much detail about my MIL.
I agree with everything you said.
I agree, too.
This is something that we're still struggling to figure out. ALL of my family lives in my hometown, 3.5 hours away. We are a big family (I think, anyway; 10 under 10 and 4 under 1). I am very close to my family; we have a family business and have all grown up together, etc.
DH, unfortunately, has a very different family experience. His is a broken home, and he didn't grow up around cousins/grandparents/etc. His brother hasn't acknowledged DD's existence yet, which flabbergasts me.
I know my MIL wishes she had more time with DD, but she lives in CA and doesn't have the financial means to visit more than 1-2/year. It's sad for me to think that DD probably won't know DH's family the way she'll know mine; and it breaks my heart in worrying that MIL would ever dream that we would want it that way (sometimes I worry about that). I feel guilty frequently that we're not doing more to include his side of the family.
On the flip side, though, I don't know DH's family very well; and, they are very different from us (values, life choices, etc.) So, I was hyper aware when MIL visited the first time, and I have a feeling that I may never be able to let my guard down with DH's side of the family like I do with my side. It's something I'm working on, and something I think is harder for me since we had DD so quickly after getting married.
BFP #2 12/20/11 | EDD 8/24/12 | Natural M/C 12/22/11
BFP #3 5/13/12 (Mother's Day!) | EDD 1/23/13 | Natural M/C 6/9/12 (blighted ovum discovered 6/7/12 at 7w1d)
"And to think when their little eyes opened, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus."
My Ovulation Chart | My Baby Name List
This is me too.
And I agree with OP.
The Nest/Bump sucks and won't let me change my location. I'm in Arkansas, not Florida.
I don't disagree with what you said, and I never really deny my IL's the ability to see my LO. We do go over there once a week, and sometimes we see them more than that. She doesn't know that she makes me crazy, and while DH has an idea, I don't like to vent to him because I don't want to make him feel "stuck in the middle." I debated posting that earlier because I know that there are some on here whose IL's aren't involved. I do love that both sides of my family love my LO and want to be with her when they can. I just needed to vent, but it didn't come out right because none of you know any back story. And I will say that of all the things that MIL does that makes me crazy, none of them are life threatening or damaging to LO.
Ok, yes. This is how I feel. I wasn't articulating myself very well, but my MIL tries to over-parent DH, me, and LO. Both IL's have said before that "they are allowed to tell us how to raise LO because they are her grandparents."
Am I the only person who doesn't get bothered by this? My parents are always trying to tell me how to do things with my kids because they did x with me and it worked out fine. I just show some respect by listening to their opinion, but I don't necessarily have to take it. If they ask in the future why I didnt take their advice on x, I say "we do things this way because it works best for DS/DD" and change the subject. I don't try to argue back, because it's a lose/lose situation. They're allowed to say whatever the heck they want-it doesnt mean I have to listen. I choose to not let it bother me, because everyone has their opinions on the right/wrong way to raise a child and if I got offended by anything anyone else suggested, clearly I'm not confident in the way I'm parenting being the right decision for our family. I also don't think it's a legitimate reason for ignoring grandparents IMO.
Hmm I did not see the OP. I will have to scroll.
I agree with what you have posted.
I am all too happy to fork DS over to people who want to hold him, usually. I want him to be comfortable with people in general and not be "I just want mommy!" mode all the time. There is time for that when he goes through his SA period!
I never have said anything back to them or been disrespectful, I just take what they tell me with a grain of salt. It doesn't bother me because I am not confident in my own parenting styles, it bothers me because they won't stop telling me something until I do what they say. It is also a matter of delivery. Other people give me advice on how to parent, but with my IL's it feels more like they are telling me what to do, instead of offering advice or their opinion. After time, it builds up and it's hard to just brush off.
...and like I said, some MIL's are crazy. To me, jumping down a parents throat and telling them how to parent constanty is crazy. I am referring to those who aren't crazy...and I never said constantly or all the time, I believe my words were once a week or every other week. Of course grandparents don't get to dictate anything, I simply believe they have a right to visit with the grandchild and show them love!
agreed
Not sure if this is in response to something I said in that original post, but I pretty much agree with you. I've never denied my in laws any time with DD with the exception of when I go over 24 hours without seeing DD (I have a wack work schedule and this happens about once every few weeks) so when I get home after that I like to have some time with DD where I don't have to share her with anyone (including MY fam or even dh!)
Now I did say I don't really wanna take her to MIL's work.... but thats more just because she works in another state (at leasr 45 minutes away) and she works in a bad part of town that I'm not comfortable driving in (with or without DD), and I don't like when strangers play pass the baby. I don't know any of her coworkers, neither does DH, and I really don't see the need for a meet and greet.
Missed Miscarriage discovered at 9w6d
D&E 10.27.2011
I'll love you forever Baby Speck
This is something that I really struggle with. I try not to deny my ILs time with C, but I get really fustrated that they are only available on Sundays. They feel that this entitles them to come over EVERY Sunday, and it does bother me. I am a working mother, so weekends are my time with C too. Sometimes I want to do other things, and they make me feel guilty for it.
MIL does watch C on Mondays, even though it is not the most convient situation for us ( one of us has to drive her home - it is 2 hours round trip, plus she spends the night on Sundays). She and I are getting along a lot better because she really seems to be listening to what I say about my parenting preferences. I do worry about leaving C with FIL. He and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of values, morals and safety issues and I would not put it past him to do something I would not agree with. However, my ILs often come as a pair, because FIL is a major baby hog.
It is easier to see my parents. They live closer and are more flexible with their time. Their house is safer for C (ILs smoke). However, I grew up with a closer relationship with my paternal grandparents, so I know it can go both ways.
I'm guilty of this myself
This is exactly the same for us. I am really saddened by the fact that my ILs never got to see us get married or got to even meet DS. He is named after his grandfather, and there isn't anything I wouldn't give for him to have met the boy who has his smile and his name.