Do you talk about your child in front of him/her?

kacelle · May 2011

I went with DH to his dermatologist appointment today, and in the waiting room there was a very rowdy 4-year-old boy. The mom was obviously irritated with him, and kept berating and smacking him. At one point, she literally dragged him across the floor to spank him outside the front door (presumably to make the discipline more serious than what she'd been doing in the waiting room).

I share this not to start a debate on whether or not to spank; to me, that was less worrisome than what happened next. After watching the mom struggle with her son for about half an hour, another lady in the waiting room struck up a conversation about how old he was and how he was probably scared to be going to the doctor. I learned that the child had missed his nap that day, and was even more "spirited" than usual. The mom then began to talk about how difficult the child was, how her other child (age eight) was so much easier to manage, etc. At one point, she said that she wanted to "get a sweet dog and keep it away from (boy's name) so he wouldn't make it mean." All of this was said right in front of the child.

So, my question is, do you talk about your child's negative behaviors in front of him/her? Not necessarily to this extreme, but even to say "He/she is being more difficult than usual today." I feel like the mom was trying to save face in front of the other patients, but some of the things she was saying about her son were breaking my heart. I see this happen a lot with parents who have children act up in public though, so I just wanted to hear your thoughts on it! I'm expecting my first in 10 days, so I don't have any experience with handling children in these situations and therefore can't really predict how I'd respond.

Side note: I was also surprised that when the mom and son were finally called back, the lady who had been talking to them said, "That poor woman; she has so many more years with him ahead of her."

StrawberryAlarmClock · May 2011

Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

kacelle · May 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

That seems a lot more innocent than directly insulting the child, but I'm glad you mentioned that! I'll have to think about making excuses and how that would impact a child that young. It doesn't seem like it'd hurt the child's self-esteem, but it might not achieve the desired outcome.

cstyles · May 2011

Did you run into my sister at the doctor's today? My poor nephew has to hear every mistake he has ever made repeated to everyone my sister runs into until he makes his next mistake. We get regular e-mails and calls about his wondeful and easy going younger brother, and have to listen to a laundry list of his achievements at every family gathering. The boys are only 9 and 5.

What makes it worse, my sister knows she does it and still hasn't stopped. My older nephew is thankfully currently in therapy. (however, my sister needs to go too!)

SAC - what a great point! I do the same thing with the, "missed a nap" and "he waits until we're alone to show all his tricks", etc.... I think I'm going to be more careful of this in the future. You're right about them understanding way more than we give them credit for.

MadameFancyPants · May 2011

I'm guilty of this, but not to this extreme. DS has been particularly difficult today do to teething and a cold. We were outside playing when my neighbor came home. She saw DS have his 500th melt down of the day. We struck up a conversation and I said "he's been like this since he woke up. I know he's teething and has cold, he's just been crabby all day." I also told DH that he didn't nap well, won't eat, and doesn't feel well. I'm pretty sure I said that DS had been driving me up the wall all. day. long.

Would I call the whole family to say that he threw his spaghetti at me or tried to bite the dog? No. Would I tell the lady giving me a mean look in the grocery store that he's been crabby all day? Probably just so she'll go away.

cjags · May 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

This. I do get embarrassed when he's upset (granted he's only 4 months) and feel like I need to give an excuse or they might think I'm a bad mom for some reason. It's stupid really. I'm going to think about this too. Strawberry you gave some great suggestions for better things to say when I'm embarrassed (now and in the future).

cjags · May 2011

kacelle:

Side note: I was also surprised that when the mom and son were finally called back, the lady who had been talking to them said, "That poor woman; she has so many more years with him ahead of her."

Also.. :headdesk: Tongue Tied

StrawberryAlarmClock · May 2011

cjags:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

This. I do get embarrassed when he's upset (granted he's only 4 months) and feel like I need to give an excuse or they might think I'm a bad mom for some reason. It's stupid really. I'm going to think about this too. Strawberry you gave some great suggestions for better things to say when I'm embarrassed (now and in the future).

Cool! And I love your siggy!

Bride2bMO · May 2011

Yes and I'm extremely uneasy about it. We had to see a neurologist re: possible ASD diagnosis, plus there is a rotating cast of other therapists, drs, etc in our life that require me to discuss negative or problematic behavior in front of him. It seems very wrong and I'm making concerted efforts to avoid it when I can, which is not always possible.

cjags · May 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
cjags:

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

This. I do get embarrassed when he's upset (granted he's only 4 months) and feel like I need to give an excuse or they might think I'm a bad mom for some reason. It's stupid really. I'm going to think about this too. Strawberry you gave some great suggestions for better things to say when I'm embarrassed (now and in the future).

Cool! And I love your siggy!

Why thank you! And I love your username!

drea_raye · May 2011

Interesting... J is still pretty young, but I think being aware of things like this from the start would be really important. SAC has made a really great point.

I have trouble with some situations when he gets fussy or tired in a store for example. I see all of these other moms whose babes are sleeping in the carseat, meantime I am wrapping in the middle of the baby section of Walmart with a crying baby and people look at me like I am tying him up. (Since I foolishly thought to let him sleep in the car seat.)

kacelle · May 2011

Thanks for your responses; they've definitely given me a lot to think about! I think that the woman was definitely making a lot of the comments out of embarrassment at her son's behaviours, and I can imagine that's a difficult position to be in as a parent (particularly when "stuck" there waiting to be called back). Some of the things she said were to excuse his behaviour, and yet she was treating him so harshly, as if she didn't think he really had an excuse. It was an interesting scenario to observe as a child development major (and mom-to-be)!

lanie30 · May 2011

Yup, both the good and the bad. "It's not a good day" if she's whininga bout something or "yeah we thinks he's pretty neat" if someone says she's awesome.I'd never go as far as that crazy lady. We don't hit or demean her. But I have gritted my teeth and said "she's for sale, or straight exchange" at the checkout when Jo has been irritating/whiny. I'm not concerned about it. She'll straight up ask if she's driving me crazy. So, yeah. I'll tell her. "You're driving me crazy kid." Then she giggles.

KateLouise · May 2011

I suppose I work on the, "would I say it TO my baby" theory.

Would I say to Elizabeth, "You're a bit cranky, I think that's because you're tired from missing your nap."? Yes. So I don't see it being a big deal to say it about her. I'd say it about myself too, ie, "I didn't sleep last night so I'm tired and cranky."

Would I say, "You're nowhere near as good as your brother, and I want a dog but I bed you'll make it a mean dog."? No. So I wouldn't say it near her or about her.

Luv2dnce81 · May 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
Yikes. I'll say things like "he didn't have a nap" or "I bet he'll wave as soon as you're out of sight" or "he doesn't feel good". So, I guess I'll make excuses for him. Now you have me thinking if this is a good or bad idea. Hmmmm. I should probably not do this. Maybe I should say, "he's a sweet guy" or "he's a great waver when he wants to" or "he's a trooper with teething". They do undersand far more than we give them credit for. Thanks for posting this. You gave me something to contemplate.

THIS! But my LO is only 1, am I awful for not censoring yet?

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