So Apparently I "Need" to Come Out at Work (Long & Frustration Mentioned)

martinimomma · May 2011

So 3 co-workers, 1 of whom is the senior person who manages our department, know I am pregnant. All have done a remarkable job of keeping the confidence and the news has not leaked. I did not plan to "come out" at work until after the anatomy scan, which is scheduled for June 1.

Unfortunately, this evening, said senior person stopped by to let me know that another person in my department who is at the same "level" I am, but is in an office in another state, just revealed her pregnancy - she is due at the end of November - and that the national department head is now making plans on how to cover her maternity leave...with people from our office. Who, you would correctly suspect, are actually going to have to cover my maternity leave (God willing) beginning in October!

A staffing conundrum is about to ensue, and senior person has told me that I "need" to come out to the national department head, and likely to others in the department who will be covering for me so that they know of the upcoming responsibilities.

I am not pleased about this at all. I feel it is unreasonable to be asked to disclose something that I do not feel ready to disclose. Heck, if I had not told senior person (to explain my comings and goings to appointments when I was spotting early on) she would not even know herself! I do appreciate that she did not just tell him herself, though.

After thinking about it, I have decided to tell the national department head tomorrow, ask him to keep it confidential, and to NOT disclose it otherwise to my coworkers until the end of the month. People who will be "covering" for my absence will have 4 flipping months to prepare for it. I think that's more than enough time. I am a lawyer, after all, not a neurosurgeon. It's just paper. They can handle anything I can.

Does that seem unreasonable to anyone?

ETA: I called DH to b*tch about this and he informed me I needed to buck up and stop whining. Thanks for the tough love, DH. So, if the above sounds like whining, I apologize.

iluvmylab · May 2011

I believe the law says you need to tell them at least 30 days before your intended leave. Are you worried that HR will blab?

martinimomma · May 2011

iluvmylab:
I believe the law says you need to tell them at least 30 days before your intended leave. Are you worried that HR will blab?

You're likely right, but this is disclosure to department management and not HR. I know that HR probably won't bat an eyelash until closer to October -- its the department management who I am told "needs" to know for staffing purposes.

opallover · May 2011

How frustrating to be in this position [but gladly, right?!] ~ I don't have advice but I wanted to say that i don't think it's whining at all.

Karen1998 · May 2011

That would royally piss me off. I think your plan is reasonable.

Junebug060609 · May 2011

Though it sucks you're being put in a position like this, I think you have a good plan in coming out to the National Dept Head. Hopefully the NDH can keep it zipped until June!

ps. I'm pretty amazed you've kept this on the down low for this long. I'd have not been able to hide it between doctors appts and starting to show now.

anonomity · May 2011

I'm sorry they are being so ridiculous about this. I would think others could surely make arrangements in four months, but depending on how busy your firm is/how far in advance trials are scheduled, I can see why they may want to know for scheduling purposes. That said, I don't think you should be forced to tell before you are ready.

Good luck telling the department head. I hope he respects your wishes. What a frustrating situation.

VeilSdeGTO · May 2011

I'm sorry you are forced to tell the head earlier than you'd like. I was in a similar situation. I don't think you are whining at all. It is your body, your baby, and you should be able to announce when you feel comfortable.

I hope that the news will be kept confidential from your co-workers. I think waiting until after your anatomy scan will still give them plenty of time to prepare for their responsibilities.

GL tomorrow.

smallfry5909 · May 2011

Buddy (((HUGS))). The same thing happened with my pregnancy last time, and I still haven't forgiven those people for making me come out when I wasn't ready. It's so frustrating!! It's something so deeply personal, and you shouldn't have to disclose it when you're not ready. Your plan sounds good, but I'm sorry you have to go through this

EKG · May 2011

I am in the same boat as you (waiting to come out until my a/s, which will be around the end of May). My last pregnancy was terminated at 20 weeks and it was really, really hard having to "un-tell" all the people that already knew. If something goes bad this time, I would rather only have to explain everything to two people: my boss and the HR rep. (Although I am fairly certain my boss suspects anyway.)

If I were you I would stick to my guns. Hang in there!

tnleigh · May 2011

It sucks but I would probably go ahead and tell because of the staffing situation. I have a similar issue at my office. We are a branch office and I'm one of two attorneys. Our third attorney slot has been vacant and needing to be filled for over a year. If all goes well, when I go out for maternity leave is going to be our busiest time of year. There is no way that one attorney can cover all the cases. The people at my branch office already know that I'm pregnant, but I am going to have to let the central office know sooner rather than later so they will have plenty of time to get on the stick and fill the third position. I'm in a government office, so it usually takes about 6 months for a person to go all the way through the approval process. I am probably going to disclose to my big boss at the central office next week.

jertie · May 2011

I think wanting to keep things quite until after the anatomy scan is a perfectly reasonable one and I'd definitely be upset that they were forcing my hand. Unexpected things happen all the time, so let them arrange the schedule for other lady, then when you make your announcement in June they can re-arrange the schedule. It's not like it's set in stone. But, I see that you're between a rock and a hard place and if it was me I'd cave, but wouldn't be happy about it.

I also love the phrase "buck up", I only hear that on Leave it to Beaver...(and I don't think you're whining).

EclairAngst · May 2011

Dear - you are in a sticky situation here.

The b!tch part of me says that you shouldn't be forced to tell just because there is a FH in another office already blabbing. It's not your problem and you should stick to what you feel comfortable with, regardless of someone else being due 6 weeks after you.

On the other hand, you have to watch your social capital through this, which is, I'm sure, why you don't want to push back on the request.

I'm not sure what I would do, but please remember that it won't change anything about your pregnancy if people know. It's terrifying, I know, but you and LO will be fine.

As a kind of compromise/protest, I might suggest demanding that you have the doppler hooked up and monitoring LO's hb while you tell. If they're going to be demanding about personal information, well, give them what they ask for! Devil

LifeInANutshell · May 2011

I'm sorry you have ended up in a situation where you are probably going to have to come out a little earlier than you wanted. I know that I would feel that exact same way if I was thrown into the same scenario.

What's important here is the fact that sharing the news will not cause any issues with your pregnancy... And I honestly think you are doing the right thing by calling the department head and sharing your condition and concern.

FWIW my DH is already on my ass about not coming out at work already...

JoAnna914 · May 2011

This exact situation just happened to me. The senior attorney in my department just came out about her pregnancy, and she is due in October. I am due in December, so we will have at least one month of maternity leave overlap. There is two other attorneys who would have to absorb all of our work during that time. Once I heard that the senior attorney came out, I knew I had to let the partner know, as well - I was only 8 weeks. The good-will capital I gained in letting her know that early was huge - she really appreciated it, although she is stressed about it, but at least the four of us can plan accordingly now.

It sucks that by circumstance, you're forced into this position, but if you don't tell, and there are substantial moves made that don't take into account your situation, they're going to be ticked off. And that will do you no good down the road. Try to think about the long-term here.

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