Dear DH: Stop updating me on all your friends' pregnancies (huge rant)....

kay1977 · May 2011

because I DON'T GIVE A F!!!! Ladies, maybe all this stress is just causing me not to think straight, but if I had to take a guess, it seems like he's doing this on purpose. In the past month, he's found out 3 of his friend's girlfriends/wives have fallen pregnant. Plus another one that we've known about, as her and I found out we were pregnant only 1 month apart... only, she's still pregnant and I lost mine.

He's been pretty much updating me about that pregnancy, telling me they were on their way to find out the baby's gender, then texting me saying "They're having a boy!!! ", telling me that his girlfriend's friend is having morning sickness... I mean, just giving me updates knowing that we would've been giving birth only 1 month apart had I not experienced a miscarriage.

Then a couple of weeks ago, he asked, "remember Christy?" Ok, this girl, I haven't seen in 11 years, never hung out with her, even DH fooled around with her way back when, before we even got together. He said, "She just found out she's pregnant. She's having a girl!" He found this out of Facebook and HAD to mention it to me like a give two sh*ts.

Two days ago, he found out his other friend is having a baby... "Ooh Mike and his wife are expecting! Look at these photos..." And proceeds to show me on Facebook, some maternity photos including some distasteful lingerie photos of her with her pregnant belly.

Last but not least, he walked into the room last night when I was already asleep, and the noise woke me up so I moved a little bit but of course still half asleep. He just came in to grab something and noticed I moved so thought I was awake and up for hearing more news. He says, "James was just here and guess what?! He's going to be a daddy again, his girlfriend is pregnant!!!" Both who are unemployed, collecting money from the government who weren't even trying!!! Whatever... I rolled over and went back to sleep.

WHY would he think it is ok, or that I even think I care to hear about all of these updates? Of people I don't really even know. I act as if it doesn't bother me but it's really starting to. I almost feel like he's doing this on purpose. I know, I'm thinking crazy but this just stresses me out. Sorry to rant.

keyourtnee · May 2011

meaganbrand · May 2011

So sorry for your loss I can see how hearing so many details may upset you. I am in the same situation with a friend who is due in November, we would have been due at the same time had I not m/c.

Anyway, maybe your husband just has the baby bug and he's so excited knowing he will be there soon too? If it bothers you to hear about it all this much, you should probably tell him. Just do it in a nice way because you don't want to crush his excitement while he's on the baby train.

Good luck!

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

I'm sorry for your loss, but it sounds like he's just excited for his friends. Maybe it's helpful to him to be optimistic and be excited about other people's pregnancies. Have you two talked through your feelings regarding your miscarriage? This may be his coping mechanism. If it upsets you, you 1. may need to talk to someone about your feelings and 2. need to talk to him, and tell him that you feel all these updates remind you of what you don't have.

But in all honesty, I think he just sounds like he's happy for these people and is just sharing news with you. I highly doubt he's meaning to hurt you. And like I said, I apologize for the loss of your pregnancy, but if you're getting this upset and can't share in others' joy, then maybe you need to talk to someone and get these feelings sorted out if you haven't dealt with your grief.

Good luck to you.

megemoney · May 2011

I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure it is very hard to deal with, especially with all the recent news.

kay1977 · May 2011

I really wish I could tell him, but at the same time, even though it stresses me out a bit, I also don't want to stress him out, does that even make sense?

So basically, I just take it. I tell him, "good for them, that's great news." And just move on. But deep down it doesn't feel great either.

Ellis31 · May 2011

Sounds like you are having a lot build up and need to let it out. It can be therapeutic sometimes. Maybe instead of letting YH think it's not bothering you (when it clearly is) you should let him know that you are sensitive to hearing about all these pregnancys and maybe he could filter it a little. Maybe he would see that you need time to heal from your MC and let it be for a while. Hope you have a better rest of the day, keep your head up

kay1977 · May 2011

sheveen2009:
kay1977:

I act as if it doesn't bother

Maybe you shouldn't do that. Tell YH it bothers you. Maybe that is his way of trying to see if you're okay with the miscarriage. Men. Are. Dense. You have to tell him exactly what you want, otherwise he is going to do what he thinks is right. Cut him some slack until you talk to him.

Absolutely. I know I'm just acting crazy right now because I think last night just really got to me. I really appreciate the responses, thank you!

keiral · May 2011

brookelynpaisley:
I'm sorry for your loss, but it sounds like he's just excited for his friends. Maybe it's helpful to him to be optimistic and be excited about other people's pregnancies. Have you two talked through your feelings regarding your miscarriage? This may be his coping mechanism. If it upsets you, you 1. may need to talk to someone about your feelings and 2. need to talk to him, and tell him that you feel all these updates remind you of what you don't have.

But in all honesty, I think he just sounds like he's happy for these people and is just sharing news with you. I highly doubt he's meaning to hurt you. And like I said, I apologize for the loss of your pregnancy, but if you're getting this upset and can't share in others' joy, then maybe you need to talk to someone and get these feelings sorted out if you haven't dealt with your grief.

Good luck to you.

Agreed! I also think that you should not pretend like this doesn't bother you, with YH. It clearly does and he will not know that his talking about these things bothers you if you keep your true feelings hidden.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

kay1977:
I really wish I could tell him, but at the same time, even though it stresses me out a bit, I also don't want to stress him out, does that even make sense? So basically, I just take it. I tell him, "good for them, that's great news." And just move on. But deep down it doesn't feel great either.

He's your husband. If you can't tell him, who can you tell? You need to be honest with him. My husband would want to know if something he was doing bothered me. I realize this is a sad and emotional situation for you both, but if you can't talk openly about it, it's going to have an adverse affect on your marriage. Discussing something doesn't have to cause stress. And like I said - have you talked to each other about your feelings? Not just your feelings, but his too? He's probably hurting over the loss of a baby, too, but dealing in a different way, like sharing optimisitc accounts of successful pregnancies with you to help you be hopeful. You guys need to find comfort in each other.

bulldogmama 09 · May 2011

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I suggest you speak with your husband regarding your feelings. I cannot imagine he is sharing the news with the intent of hurting you.

keyourtnee · May 2011

brookelynpaisley:

kay1977:
I really wish I could tell him, but at the same time, even though it stresses me out a bit, I also don't want to stress him out, does that even make sense? So basically, I just take it. I tell him, "good for them, that's great news." And just move on. But deep down it doesn't feel great either.

He's your husband. If you can't tell him, who can you tell? You need to be honest with him. My husband would want to know if something he was doing bothered me. I realize this is a sad and emotional situation for you both, but if you can't talk openly about it, it's going to have an adverse affect on your marriage. Discussing something doesn't have to cause stress. And like I said - have you talked to each other about your feelings? Not just your feelings, but his too? He's probably hurting over the loss of a baby, too, but dealing in a different way, like sharing optimisitc accounts of successful pregnancies with you to help you be hopeful. You guys need to find comfort in each other.

This is exactly what I think. You can't be mad at him for something when he has absolutely no idea of the affect it is having on you. You need to communicate it with him, and try to see where he is coming from. Men are definately not mind readers.

Laurakat81 · May 2011

::::::butting in from TTCAL:::::::

You've GOT to tell him that his bugs you. One would think it would be common sense but obviously he has no clue or if he does he's a douche!

It is completely normal to NOT want to hear about others' pregnancies all the time...especially after a loss.

Maybe he thinks he is being supportive by sharing all of this with you. Maybe he has got the baby bug and really wants a baby and this is his way of living vicariously through others??? I don't know! But the only way to make him see that he is actually being an insensitive jerk is to let him know.

I'm sorry he is sharing all of that with you.

greeneyed_bride · May 2011

kay1977:

WHY would he think it is ok, or that I even think I care to hear about all of these updates? Of people I don't really even know. I act as if it doesn't bother me but it's really starting to. I almost feel like he's doing this on purpose.

Unless your DH is psychic, acting as if it doesn't bother you and then complaining about him online seems unfair to him and kind of a silly way to handle the problem. Tell him it bothers you. Maybe he thinks it will encourage you if he talks about how many pregnancies there are around you (as in, if it's so easy for these people, maybe it will be easy for you.) Maybe he assumes that, as someone who is trying to get pregnant, you want to talk about pregnancies. Maybe he's excited to become a daddy, so other pregnancies make him even more excited. Maybe he's just genuinely excited for his friends.

You're married to him. You're not married to anyone on The Bump. So if you should be able to talk openly about this to anyone, it should be the man you're married to.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I sincerely hope that you get pregnant again very soon. But unless you've told your husband that he's upsetting you, I don't think you have a valid reason to be upset with him.

tigerhearted · May 2011

If you don't talk to your husband and let him know how this news makes you feel, how do you expect him to know? He's not a mind-reader. You have to communicate with him.

And if you seriously think that your husband is intentionally doing this with malicious intent, then you've got bigger problems than taking a while to get pregnant.

milkshake336 · May 2011

kay1977:
I really wish I could tell him, but at the same time, even though it stresses me out a bit, I also don't want to stress him out, does that even make sense? So basically, I just take it. I tell him, "good for them, that's great news." And just move on. But deep down it doesn't feel great either.

While I am sorry for your loss, and know it is probably a hard time, I do agree with what has been said regarding the fact that you really do HAVE to tell him how you feel & ask him how he's feeling. It will be hard to open up at first if you haven't been doing so already, but as has been said - if you are afraid of telling your husband about your feelings and discussing how you two can cope together, you do have bigger problems than taking a while to get pregnant. You need to trust that he loves you and will comfort you - you guys married each other so obviously you have already done some of that, but don't pretend as if nothing is wrong.

Work out all of these communication bumps before a LO does come along because once you have a LO around it's not going to magically solve all of these little problems and fix up your relationship with your husband, in fact it will likely make it a bit harder. If you keep telling yourself "I can just take it on my own, I don't want to stress out my husband", you will eventually end up quite depressed. He will not know what is wrong if one day all of the sudden you are just depressed beyond what he's ever seen and then it will be even harder to open up. Communicate now about all the little things before it snowballs into something bigger. It will save a lot MORE stress and miscommunication issues later on.

tigerhearted · May 2011

milkshake336:
kay1977:
I really wish I could tell him, but at the same time, even though it stresses me out a bit, I also don't want to stress him out, does that even make sense? So basically, I just take it. I tell him, "good for them, that's great news." And just move on. But deep down it doesn't feel great either.
While I am sorry for your loss, and know it is probably a hard time, I do agree with what has been said regarding the fact that you really do HAVE to tell him how you feel & ask him how he's feeling. It will be hard to open up at first if you haven't been doing so already, but as has been said - if you are afraid of telling your husband about your feelings and discussing how you two can cope together, you do have bigger problems than taking a while to get pregnant. You need to trust that he loves you and will comfort you - you guys married each other so obviously you have already done some of that, but don't pretend as if nothing is wrong.
Work out all of these communication bumps before a LO does come along because once you have a LO around it's not going to magically solve all of these little problems and fix up your relationship with your husband, in fact it will likely make it a bit harder. If you keep telling yourself "I can just take it on my own, I don't want to stress out my husband", you will eventually end up quite depressed. He will not know what is wrong if one day all of the sudden you are just depressed beyond what he's ever seen and then it will be even harder to open up. Communicate now about all the little things before it snowballs into something bigger. It will save a lot MORE stress and miscommunication issues later on.

All this, totally.

And let's put a flip on this situation. Would you want to be left in the dark about a behavior of yours that is causing your spouse emotional distress? Would you want to continue to unwittingly hurt your spouse with this behavior? Would you want your spouse to suffer alone and in silence?