SIL drama WWYD question... (Long and full of drama)

katie052409 · May 2011

Hey Ladies, I'm so aggravated and infuriated over the whole situation that I figure I will put it on here and see if you guys can give me some advice...

So a year ago this time, my hubby and I shared the news that we were expecting after years of trying and having fertility treatments. His sister and him are not all that close, in fact hubby and I are much closer to his cousin who is the same age as them (they are all in their 30s I am in my 20s) his cousin is one of my bfs and my MOH in my wedding a few years ago (not sure if this drama below started years before due to jealousy over DH and cousin relationship- possibly before I even entered the picture or after I came around and me and cousin friendship).

Well when SIL found out she put on FB "life f*ckin sucks" and de-friended all of us. She told her parents "she couldnt get pregnant, no one knows how she feels etc etc" (she is living with bf after leaving ex-husband for him and not quite sure they are in a position to have kids nor does bf want them) Doesnt speak to anyone for 6 months, doesnt go to my shower etc etc.

At Thanksgiving, SIL throws a fit the hubbys parents were coming to our house (I was a week late at this point to deliver) so they appease her and go to her house for holiday (after she ignored their multiple attempts at contact for 6 months but whatever. It was no biggie for us since we knew we would see them as soon as DD arrived) SIL sends us a text that night "FYI we are expecting in June". No "happy thanksgiving, no how is the baby doing?" etc. We send back congrats. (so much for the big deal she made that she couldnt get pregnant, they did it on their own and the whole family is convinced the bf wasnt in on the plan... but whatever)

DD is born, we do not hear from them. Christmas comes, we go to his family's she walks in right past me and DH and picks up my DD out of MIL hands... I nearly lost it but I bit my tougue, made small talk, and even asked her how her pregnancy is going. I thought we went above and beyond to be nice.

The next week she calls cousin (mentioned above) and said that we were such jerks at x-mas and that she didnt understand why things arent back to normal, cousin says "you need to apologize, etc etc" and she goes "well guess what, they didnt want your side to meet the baby cuz they said you are the trashy side" (NEVER came out of my mouth, we just were not driving across the state twice with a 3 week old, so I let me hubby pick which weekend party to go to for x-mas) his cousin knew this (she was there when we made the decision) and spoke up for us... then SIL goes "well my brother wants me to be the Godmother but she wont let him" at this point cousin was already asked and SIL was never even a consideration so cousin told her and SIL hung up on her.

I dont withhold my hubby from relations with his sister. We will never be friends but I will not withhold him if he wants it, in fact when we got the x-mas cards of DD and birth announcements I left them out in case he wanted to send them to SIL. He opted not to. My MIL is the opposite and gets in the middle and forces hubby to bend over backwards for his sister (makes him send her pics of the baby, personally invite her to things) etc etc. She attended DD baptism and acted civil, I went to her baby shower and was civil ( I went so that other family members who havent met DD could meet her not because I wanted to be there), but Im tired of the forced interaction. I get that our kids are so close in age etc and that we need to be civil for them (we will only see them a couiple times a year since they live across state).. but Im aggravated. I just want an apology and a congratulations (she has yet to congratulate us) oh and for her to grow up....

Fast forward to this past Easter, and we announced baby #2 is coming. His parents joked " Lets see how SIL takes it" hahah! Sad that your whole family knows they have to walk on eggshell around you... and that if its not about you then you flip out. So again we get NOTHING. Why do we have to put up with this? We congratulated them, as soon as we found out.... Ug I am so aggravated! Cousin says she probably is thinking "she is stealing my pregnancy lime light, she is going to have two when I will only have one" etc etc... I dont know if this is true, but if it is, the girl has serious issues!!! So its been a few weeks and she hasnt said anything... one thing if she hates me, thats fine. But this is your BROTHER! (And only sibling!)

MIL and FIL visit every few weeks, and whenever they do MIL mentions SIL every 5 minutes...I think she does this to make it feel like we are all one big happy family when clearly we are not. It gets annoying... next time we meet, if she does, I am going to ask her not to mention SIL in front of us any more. We are not interested in anything about them until she grows up and acts her age...

What do you suggest I do? Im tired of the forced interaction at holidays and family events, and Im tired of the whole family bending over backwards for her. One thing if it didnt involve us (ie if his parents want to) but when they force our involvement it drives me crazy. We have multiple events this summer (family weddings etc) that we will be forced to interact. Do I just act like nothing has happened, do I refuse to speak to her? I dont know...

Thanks ladies!

firsttogo · May 2011

Well, I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It really sounds like she has some issues, and those issues are not yours. All I have learned in my short time parenting with dysfunctional inlaws is that you can not control or change anyone. You can only control how you react (or don't) I have gotten to a place where I can just ignore what they say/do, and parent as I would if they were there or not.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

howleyshell · May 2011

It sounds like your frustration stems from her not behaving towards you as you hoped a sister (in law) would.

I'd let go of that expectation and move forward from there.

I will tell you that other people in general are not as excited about our pregnancies as we are.

I will also tell you as someone who dealt with infertility that hearing people conceiving easily still stings for me. It's not about you - it's about her. There's a lot of emotion that goes along with feeling broken as a woman when you can't have kids.

Sounds like she's got a lot of infertility baggage and probably will still have it until her family's complete (at the least).

In fact - could her IF have been a catalyst for the end of her marriage? (not uncommon)

Sounds like she's not living the life she envisioned for herself and she's jealous that it's come more easily for you.

As for how to act?

I personally think it's silly to be pissed that she's not doing back flips over your pregnancy announcement.

1. You expected as much out of her. EVERYONE expected her to be indifferent. Why does it surprise you?

2. 2nd pregnancy announcements are often met with much less fan fare that 1sts.

3. I don't get people expecting a big fuss to be made over pregnancy announcements. Granted - she should acknowledge it and say congrats but she didn't. She's just not able to right now for what ever reason.

I'd go to these events this summer, hold your head high, be proud of your beautiful and growing family and be civil. Take pitty on her and don't make things worse than they need to be because doing so will put your DH and in laws in a worse situation than it needs to be. They know she's not playing nice. There's no need for you to not play nice too.

This is her baggage and her problem - don't turn it into yours if you don't have to.

It's not the relationship you'd hoped to have. Time to grieve it and let it go. Anger doesn't help anyone in this situation - especially your kids.

This is the price of being married. We often have to put up with people we would choose to cut out of our lives otherwise but we deal with it because it's our husband's family.

As long as it's not something severe like drunken inappropriate or abusive behavior that you don't want your kids exposed to try your best to take your DH's lead when it comes to his family. I'm not saying don't express your frustrations but talk with him and ask him where he'd like to see things go with her. It's his family.

katie052409 · May 2011

Thanks ladies, I appreciate the feedback, especially from people who are not involved. Its easy to pick sides when you are in the situation and look at things from one perspective, so I appreciate the outside advice.

I guess it just irks me because we had trouble concieving, and yes this pregnancy was a wonderful surprise but the 1st was years and years of trying and inevitably fertility treatments (which she knew about). I guess that is why I could kind of understand her reaction to DD but when she is 7 months pregnant herself, why does this pregnancy bother her too?

I will continue to leave all relations up to my DH, I just think I need to make it clear to my MIL that her "suggestions" (ie nagging till its done) about reaching out to SIL are no longer welcome.

I plan to always keep things civil for the sake of all our children, she will just never be the SIL I had always hoped for. And I guess I am okay with that.

Thanks again ladies

mlf625 · May 2011

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're being petty. I agree with much of what howleys said above. Quit expecting SIL to act a certain way, and just rise above it. Quit talking about SIL with cousin, because it just makes you look as bad as SIL. Quit expecting your MIL not to talk about her own daughter, no matter what her intentions are, that's her kid and of course she's going to come up in converstaions. And of course you act civil - you're an adult. If she reciprocates, great. If not, so what? Let it go. And seriously, quit waiting for congratulations. As was said above, your pregnancy isn't as excited to other people as it is to you. Would it be nice if your SIL showed some excitement? Sure. But she didn't. Move on.

moonfaerie · May 2011

Well I get a different sense of your SIL than the previous posters. I picture someone who is unhappy with her life and who is a total jealous attention wh0re - she's divorced, possibly wanting to re-marry but her boyfriend is dragging his feet. She wants to have a family but maybe he didn't so she lied about infertility until she tricked him into getting her pg. Now here you are, with everything she wants for herself.

I get that you are tired of forced interactions, but I'd wait for your hubs to grow equally as tired of it and tell his mom to cool it about SIL. If he doesn't enjoy playing along with her drama then it should happen eventually. There will be other people for you to talk to at weddings and such so you should be able to be polite to SIL for a bit, then go spend time with other people.

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