Young mom versus old mom: Which is really better?

sistrkate · May 2011

Interesting article: LINK

Young mom versus old mom: Which is really better?

By Alexa Aguilar

I recently registered one child for high school; the other for pre-school.

My days are a mix of basketball games, some at a middle school gym and others on a Little Tikes hoop. One minute, I advise on teen romance and math questions, the next, I encourage tentative first steps and sing the ABCs. I watch ?Glee? with my oldest; ?Caillou? with my little ones.

My family is a little unusual ? I have a 14-year-old and a 14-month old, with a 2?-year-old sandwiched in between. Parenting all three requires some serious multi-tasking. It also provides a personal window into the young mom versus older mom debate. Is it better to have kids in your 20s, when you have lots of energy, or in your 30s or 40s, when you?re more settled?

I can tell you from experience: Being a mom is difficult, exhausting and rewarding, regardless of your age. For me, youth meant more energy and fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans a lot quicker. But age brought me greater patience and the awareness that I needed to savor the fleeting moments with my children.

When I was in my early 20s, I had some serious stamina ? I attended college and juggled jobs, internships and friendships. Amidst it all was a little girl who tagged along with me everywhere. I read parenting books but I didn?t obsess over parenting decisions. As a single mother in school, I was just too busy. We played at the park and went to the library, but much of what I remember of those years is feeling like I was constantly juggling all the demands on my time.

Her peers? parents were friendly, but I never felt like I belonged. My fellow moms were much older and had ?grown-up? lives so unlike mine. My friends my age were living the young, single life, with kids and family far down the line.

Fast forward a decade. I?m still juggling, but the balls in the air are much different. Now, I stress about work deadlines and what to cook for dinner, just like in my younger days, but it?s with the security of a mortgage, a hometown, a husband and a job. I?m no longer the youngest mom at playgroup. I was able to slow down my career and become a freelance writer to spend more time with all three, time that I longed for when my oldest was a little girl.

Still, children affect your career no matter what rung of the ladder you?re on. Then, I worried about how to land that first job and put in the long hours required while remaining an involved parent. Now, I relish the hours with my children while wondering how much the time away from a full-time office will set me back.

As I?ve matured, I?ve also become a more neurotic parent. I obsess about development and parenting much more than I did. My oldest daughter has become a mature, independent and self-reliant kid, and I wonder now if it?s because she didn?t have me hovering. Then, I dropped her off at full-time day care, knowing it was my only option. Now, I second-guess myself when my little boy cries as I leave him for an hour at a toddler class.

With a huge gap between my oldest and the younger ones, I worried that the sibling relationships wouldn?t be strong. Would my oldest daughter always feel like part of a separate family? But I?ve been surprised by how beautifully special their relationships are, and how our family has somehow blended into a cohesive whole. The younger two worship their older sister, and my oldest has discovered how amazing loving a little brother and sister can be. Experts have told me that a small age gap doesn?t ensure a tight relationship; personality is a much bigger indicator.

I have to be on the constant lookout, though, that none are shortchanged. What to do when my oldest wants me at her basketball game, but the toddler is cranky and needs a nap? I often must rely on friends to transport her when the younger ones are tucked in for the night. And our house often features the kind of chaos that can be wearing on a moody teen.

Now my former single friends have children of their own, and they often tease me that they wish they had a 14-year-old in the house too, because the extra set of hands is such a boon.

We will face some more challenges in the years ahead with our group of widely spaced children, as we decide at which restaurant to dine, where to vacation, and what movies to watch. But those are the fun kind of struggles. What I really worry about is the absence our family will feel when my oldest heads to college in just four short years, and she will have an 8-year-old brother and 7-year-old sister missing her terribly at home. We will still be in the midst of T-ball and dance lessons while the oldest member of our family starts to forge her own independent path.

We?ll deal with that monumental shift in our family dynamic when the time comes, I guess. In the meantime, I have to go wrestle my preschooler away from his sister?s iPod.

Alexa Aguilar is a freelance writer based in the Chicago suburbs. She writes a parenting column that appears monthly in the Chicago Tribune.

Ttimes3 · May 2011

Interesting perspective. I'd like to see the (anonymous, of course) poll results from our little board, regarding what is thought to be the "ideal" age for motherhood. Moreover, it would be interesting to somehow capture if, in hindsight, folks feel that they would [have] be[en] a better mother if they were younger or older.

buckeyethor · May 2011

I don't know why but for some reason, that article had me teary-eyed.

Ttimes3 · May 2011

buckeyethor:
I don't know why but for some reason, that article had me teary-eyed.

RUMOR: You're KTFU!

buckeyethor · May 2011

Peed on a stick yesterday. BFN!

Missbollinger · May 2011

This is me right now, 14 yo, 2 yo and a 3 mo. I think I was more neurotic with DS2 but more relaxed with DD being the youngest. I was a younger mom at 21 with DS1 but an 'older' one now with DS2 and DD at 35 *cough* 29... I think it depends on the child too as to what your approach is and being a very 'organic' parents that we are we give each child what they need as well as we can.

KYmama9286 · May 2011

I think it all depends on what stage of your life you are in-- the way this author writes is seems like she was a young single mom not out of school yet. So while she can talk about her care-free days of being in her early twenties that isnt the case for every young mom (just as her description of being an older mom isnt descriptive of all older moms).

I am young (24), probably younger than most on this board but I feel like I still have similar life experiences and common current struggles (we are married, own a home, etc.) as my older counterparts. I never feel like the odd man out/young one in social settings but I think that is because I dont "feel" 24...or what a typical 24 feels like which I am happy about. I got to bypass the whole stage of wondering what I wanted to do with my life, going on awkward blind dates hoping to meet the right guy, working jobs I didnt love just to climb the corporate ladder/pay the bills. I know this isnt what everyone experiences at 24 but it is where a lot of my high school friends are at and I do not envy them for a second.

Like TTT said, I would be curious to see what the results would be of an anonymous poll of this board as to ideal parenting age.

linzpinz14 · May 2011

I really don't think there is an "ideal" age for motherhood. I think it depends on the person. You can be a financially independent, responsible, well-balanced, and loving mother in your early 20s as well as in your 40s.

For me... I wish we had more money for sure. I think we make ends meet and C would never know the things that she is missing out on... but there are for sure some things that I sure wish I was able to buy her. So in that way, I wish that we could be one step ahead of where we are career-wise. But in the whole picture of life, I never would have wanted to wait to have her or her little sister.

My point is that, IMO, the best moms are the ones who are able to balance work and home and other responsibilities while raising children. Even if you are going to school or working extra hours on a project at work as long as you are making (good quality) time for your children, they're going to be just fine in the end.

hav2run · May 2011

I could have written that article myself. I completely get that. I can't answer for everyone, but I do know the answer for me personally. It all depends on the individual, and where you are physically and emotionally. I can only make that decision now, having had a child at 21 and at 38. I LOL, because I was DONE after the first. Then I met DH. Things changed, and I could not imagine not having babies with him. No regrets. The experience I had with each child has been so different. There are pros and cons to having children at a younger age and older, and it is all matter of individual preference. Having done both, I certainly have a personal preference.

teacherjess · May 2011

I was younger when I had Leah (24 when I got pregnant, and I turned 25 the day I was in labor). One thing that I have had a hard time with is that it seems like the other mothers I run into who are similar to me (college-educated, own houses in decent neighborhoods, stable marriages) are so much older. I swear, in our library group in our old neighborhood, I was seriously the only mother under the age of 40.

The only time I have met mothers my age is with my friends from college who have had kids (all two of them!) and with girls on the Bump, who are sort of in my age group. This has been harder than me than I anticipated. In our new neighborhood, both neighbors on both sides have kids the same age as Leah, and they are both over 40. I just feel so young sometimes that I can't even find mom friends in my neighborhoods, etc.

Other than that, I think that I never would have been fully ready to make the sacrifices that a person has to make to have kids, whether at 25 or 45. You just make the choice at a time that feels right to you. I feel sapped of energy so I don't know that I had more energy being in my 20s .

linzpinz14 · May 2011

teacherjess:

I was younger when I had Leah (24 when I got pregnant, and I turned 25 the day I was in labor). One thing that I have had a hard time with is that it seems like the other mothers I run into who are similar to me (college-educated, own houses in decent neighborhoods, stable marriages) are so much older. I swear, in our library group in our old neighborhood, I was seriously the only mother under the age of 40.

The only time I have met mothers my age is with my friends from college who have had kids (all two of them!) and with girls on the Bump, who are sort of in my age group. This has been harder than me than I anticipated. In our new neighborhood, both neighbors on both sides have kids the same age as Leah, and they are both over 40. I just feel so young sometimes that I can't even find mom friends in my neighborhoods, etc.

Other than that, I think that I never would have been fully ready to make the sacrifices that a person has to make to have kids, whether at 25 or 45. You just make the choice at a time that feels right to you. I feel sapped of energy so I don't know that I had more energy being in my 20s .

I feel the same way, I had just turned 26 when I had C - and she was very much planned. I was the first to have children out of my HS and college friends. I have some not-as-close friends with children, but no one other than my mom to call up and talk to about the really personal parts of being a mom. I think this is a huge disadvantage of having children young, you feel sort-of isolated with your new life. Our society (at least middle class) is trending towards having your first child in your 30s.

I also agree that no one is ever "ready" for the sacrifices and complete life-style change that comes with children! It is devastating in some ways! And complete bliss in others.

Klmorgan83 · May 2011

linzpinz14:

I really don't think there is an "ideal" age for motherhood. I think it depends on the person. You can be a financially independent, responsible, well-balanced, and loving mother in your early 20s as well as in your 40s.

This exactly. I was 24 when I got pregnant with Noah and turned 25 shortly before I had him. He was very much planned. DH and I dated since high school and were together for 7 years before we got married. We both graduated college and were holding the jobs we currently have. We'd already bought a house, and moved into our second house while I was pregnant. It was the natural step for us to start having kids, and we never considered waiting just because of our age. Unfortunately neither of our careers are very high paying...we're never going to make a lot of money, but we can provide for our kids and that's all the matters.

We were the very first of our friends to get married/have kids, most of them went to regular colleges and lived the college life...we went more career oriented schools (x-ray and paramedic) and lived at home, so it was just natural to get married/start a family when we did. We're also the youngest parents on our street by about 4 years, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

KittahMama · May 2011

Strangely I was one of the last of my close friends to get married or have kids- and I got married at 28, had C at 30.

All of my friends have 4-5 year olds it seems. Some are just having their second, but most have two under 5.

For me, my 20's was spent figuring out who I was and exploring. I learned a lot. Namely, I learned EXACTLY what I wanted in a partner and even had a long list of requirements. I dated a lot because I learned that every man I dated taught me 1. something about the person I wanted to marry, 2. something that I couldn't "deal" with in a partner and 3. something about myself.

I was very selfish and freely admitted it then. I would not have been a good mother.

Now, while I am still adjusting to being a SAHM I am also learning that I loved my daughter and love learning about the world with her all over again. I don't think selfish 20 something Sarah would feel that way.

But I think what age to have children is a uniquely individual thing. The woman I was at 25 is not the same woman all my friends were at 25. It's easier to relate to people based on maturity level than a number.

adamsbabble · May 2011

Neither is really better. It depends on the person, and I think it has less to do with an ideal age and more to do with an ideal situation. Like the writer, I became a mother in my 20's but I really can't relate to anymore of her perspective on being a young mother than that. I've never been busy juggling school, work, parenting or being a single parent as a result of being a mother in my 20's. I have a few mom friends, a couple my age and a couple in their mid-30's. The age range of parents in Ava's school, at our church, etc. also seems to span between 20's-40's. I don't feel like I've had trouble meeting mom friends because of my age and like Lauren, I don't feel out of place. I'm sure there are pros/cons to either situation, but for me, getting married and having children in my 20's was ideal. I have no interest in what many people feel should be a normal lifestyle for a person in their 20's, and I like doing the child rearing thing at this stage in my life. I also like that DH and I will still be relatively young when they're grown up.

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