Random question from a toddler mom
broomy
member
DS is only one, so this issue is a way off, but DH and I were discussing it this morning...
What do you think is the difference between the parent/child relationship in which the child talks to his or her parents about friends, crushes, details of their day, etc., vs. those who don't?
I feel like I'd have to be my child's "friend" in order for him to open up to me later in life about fights with his friends, people he likes, etc. But I also really don't want to be that parent who tries to be friends with their kid. Is this a circumstance where the "friends" thing would be okay, though?
My mom played both extremes. She would try to be my best friend (mostly when she felt like being nosy about boys), and she was, at the same time, like the diligent bad cop who criticized my every move. From a very young age (maybe before even starting school), I learned to not share ANYTHING with her. She would act like my friend to get information out of me, and then I'd either wind up in trouble for some minute detail of the story, or she'd tease me relentlessly about my crush or something. Opening up to her always ended in humiliation.
DH says he remembers telling his mom about crushes and she would tell him every time that the girl didn't like him. Yeah, my MIL is a piece of work, and I am sure this was her way of getting him to stay a mama's boy forever.
So, anyway, our mothers majorly failed at earning our trust. What is your happy balance, if your kids actually come to you about things? Also: does it really matter to you if they come to you about everything, or are you more concerned that they just have someone you know they can talk to (like a teacher, an aunt/uncle, etc.)??
Re: Random question from a toddler mom
Yeah, that is exactly the balance I'd like to find with my son. It just seems like such a hard role to obtain, and then it's so easy to lose, if that makes sense.
I think I'm pretty approachable by nature, too. Maybe I'll be eating my words someday and wishing my son would STOP talking to me about everything, LOL.
Thanks for responding.
My DD is 14 yrs old. While I am her mother and have rules and enforce them, I've always had an open discussion type of relationship with her. Our best conversations happen when we are in the car by ourselves.
You might want to look into this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960. It's never too early to learn about these sorts of things. Basically, your kids will come to you and tell you things from a young age and based on your reaction, they either will or won't continue to tell you things. I feel that you have to start opening these lines of communication when they're young so that they'll stay open when they're older. It's not about being your DC's friend or not, more like not over-reacting to things they tell you so that they will continue to talk to you and you can offer them guidance.
My answer is based on my experiences as a high school teacher and as a mom. I feel like the most important thing to gain trust from a child is to be trustworthy yourself.
You saw this with your mom: she wasn't trustworthy. You couldn't trust that she'd take your stories seriously and keep them confidential. She would buddy up to you and get information from you, but she did this for HER benefit, not YOURS.
So, how do we project to children and young adults that we are trustworthy?
-- be consistent. Make clear rules that are practical and meaningful. Enforce them consistently. Teach kids why following the rules makes sense.
-- be honest, in a way that's appropriate for the age of your child.
-- be big enough to admit when you're wrong.
-- be kind, caring, and compassionate. Remember that kids are little (even though teens look big, they're still "little" on the inside) and little problems seem big from their point of view.
-- be strong. If you stand up for yourself (to them and to the world on their behalf when they need it) your children will know that you can handle whatever they tell you.