This will probably get me flamed... — The Bump
Military Families

This will probably get me flamed...

but I don't care.

Why is it that just about every post I've seen turns into battle between those who think the military comes first and those that think family comes first?

Does it matter?  Can't we just agree to disagree and respect each other's opinions without calling each other out on being "selfish" or "weak"?

It's not just this military board, but every military board I've ever been on.  I think it's rather sad.  I think this group especially should be the most tight-knit group of all. 

This is just my opinion, but go on, flame me if you must..... 

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Re: This will probably get me flamed...

  • I won't flame you, that's your opinion.  But...

    1. No group consisting of hundreds and thousands of people is EVER going to get along 100% of the time and agree on everything (or even agree to disagree).  That's just human nature.

    2. After almost 10 years of dealing with the military I've seen a lot of relationships that have suffered, and even failed, because the spouse/SO can't seem to accept that the military and the mission come first, even before family many times.  Whether it's a part of the job that's non-negotiable (like a deployment) or a part that is just the right thing to do (like volunteering to help with storm relief for a few weeks), the mission comes first.  That's just the nature of the job, and it's not exactly a big secret that you find out about after signing the papers.  If someone doesn't want to make their life easier by accepting that fact, well that's their prerogative. 

    But if they really and truly cannot get past that, and it is a difficult thing to accept at times, then perhaps that person needs to rethink their relationship and/or their military career.  <-- That is not referring to the OP of the post below; she was not nearly so dramatic as to make me think she falls in this category.

  • I appreciate your opinion and though, I don't TOTALLY agree with #2, I do see your point about accepting that there are some things in this job that are unavoidable in order to make your own life easier.  I just always wonder if perhaps people get their feathers ruffled simply because they see in others their own insecurities.  Perhaps not; food for thought.

    More than anything thank you for replying in a non-judgemental and mature fashion, eve though I was inviting more of the other responses lol :-) 

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  • Service before self. Second core value of the Air Force. I don't know about other branches but I think that says it all.
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  • I totally agree.  It's always a really pathetic competition about who is being the biggest martyr, who is tougher, or who has it worse "for the mission".  PUH-LEASE.  Instead of being in a stupid argument, why not just be supportive?  The military wife stereotype is why I never voluntarily tell people my husband is in the military.  I'm not like that and I don't want people to assume I am.  *gasp*  Yeah, I said it!  FLAME!

  • Even within branches, it's "my husbands job is gone more than yours," "my husbands command got screwed in their schedule," etc.

    Yes, it sucks sometimes. Yes, we can be supportive of each other. But at the same time, when our husbands signed up for this (whether it was before us or after us), they accepted the fact that they would miss births/deaths/marriages/graduations/etc. While we may not like it, it is in fact their job. Some guys get lucky and get R&R to come home for the birth. Some guys don't. The way I look at it, is it's just one day and at least I have the rest of my life with him. So maybe he'll be home for the "boring" months of the year, and miss every holiday and birthday and anniversary that year, but at least he's home at all.

    I think by accepting that fact, and just complaining about the fact that they're missing out on something, you'll be in a much better position than to think that we really have a say in whether or not they participate in something and hate they didn't ask for permission.

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  • I think that their are a lot of different levels of military families. I have met people that eat, sleep, and breath military. They live on base, wife is 100% supportive of everything their spouse does, and they plan to as a family do 20+ years. On the other extreme you meet military families that don't live on base, the wife has her own job and treat the military as her spouses job not their lifestyle. No one extreme is better than the other, but I find that people can be defensive over where they fall on the military spectrum and try to bring down everyone else due to their own insecurities. Bottom line we will never hear kumbya playing on a military support board but just take the good with the bad post.
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  • image Emilia0101:
    Bottom line we will never hear kumbya playing on a military support board .

     

    Love the way you phrased that!  I made me giggle a bit. 

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  • I'm curious, in your opinion, did the post about the H volunteering to help with storm relief thus missing the u/s appointment turn into a battle? Or is this thread stemming from a greater frustration with the whole picture?

    Personally, I thought that the post below has remained rather civil and tame--especially keeping in mind that the woman who posted it asked if she was being selfish. Yes, there are varying perspectives and opinions shared, but I thought that most responders remained on topic and did not bash the OP.

    Would you have preferred a more "puppies and rainbows" response to the thread below? We could have told her how wronged she was, that her DH is selfish for not asking her first. We could have gotten her all riled up, more pissed off at her H than she already was. . . For what purpose?

    Whether one feels the mission or family comes first, the situation with a spouse in the military is that when they are called to duty, it does not matter if there is an impending birth, anniversary or u/s appointment--even if it is a voluntary assignment. IMO, learning how to manage my feelings and how I respond is the only thing that I can change about the situation. I can't change my DH's orders, I can't change who his boss is, I can't tell him to get out (well, I suppose that I could, but it would do us no good). All I can do is understand that my desires and wishes as a spouse are not considered, not take it personally and deal with how I feel. The feelings are valid, but wallowing is anger, frustration or disappointment will get me nothing but added misery.

    I agree, fighting about who is wrong and who is right will get us nowhere. Each person is entitled to their own opinion. But, when one asks a direct question when starting a thread, I think it is fair to share your own opinion. I'm not flaming you, at all. I do think supporting one another is what is key--though, support does not equal puppies and rainbows.
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  • I like more puppies and rainbows. Sometimes this board is a little too intense for me. That's why I did the uniform post.
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  • What I don't like is when Military Wife's complain about deployments and how their husband puts their job first.  Well DUHHHHHH!!! What the heck did they think life was going to be like married to someone in the Military!?

    Military=DEPLOYMENTS! What a shocker huh!? Stick out tongue 

    Husband's aren't going out of their way to miss important events  in your life!  They have NO choice of when and how long deployments are.  It's one thing to express sadness over missing them and it's another thing to whine and cry like a baby that it's not fair blah blah blah. 

    I 100% support my husband and I know how it feels because I served our country for 7 1/2 years and know how tough deployments are. It's not as easy as saying "hey sir I don't want to go on this deployment because my wife is pregnant and I would like to be there for the birth".  COUNTRY FIRST, FAMILY SECOND!  If you don't like this concept then you shouldn't have married someone in the Military plain and simple.

  • Photofan - haha I like this..

    Military = DEPLOYMENTS! What a shocker huh!?

     lol duhhhhh yeah I dont like women who post on fb 10 times a day about how much they miss their DHs.. yeah, its kinda part of it :-/

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  • image Smudges*Mom:
    I'm curious, in your opinion, did the post about the H volunteering to help with storm relief thus missing the u/s appointment turn into a battle? Or is this thread stemming from a greater frustration with the whole picture?.

     

    It really has little to nothing to do with the volunteering thing.  That was extremely tame for this board, which is my whole point.  It just seems that this board flames up easily. But I guess I should clarify:  this isn't stemming from any great frustration, and was written in a bought of anger or any other emotion.  I'm merely asking out of curiosity.  I want to know the mind set behind the whole "military comes first" vs "family first" fight

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  • I get what you're saying, OP.  Sometimes I miss being in the Army so much I can't hold back tears, but sometimes DH"s unit will do something so fuccked that I can't see straight, you know?  And you better believe that when I want to vent about it, it won't be TB or TN I turn to, because military message boards are too full of the crazy "ZOMG BGP!!!" Duh, I know.  But I like to ***.  It's freeing.
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  • image JMB22:

    I totally agree.  It's always a really pathetic competition about who is being the biggest martyr, who is tougher, or who has it worse "for the mission".  PUH-LEASE.  Instead of being in a stupid argument, why not just be supportive?  The military wife stereotype is why I never voluntarily tell people my husband is in the military.  I'm not like that and I don't want people to assume I am.  *gasp*  Yeah, I said it!  FLAME!

    I don't tell people about my husband's job unless directly asked. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of what he's doing, but I agree with you, I hate the stereotype. Even now as a SAHM, I see myself and our relationship as separate from my husband's career. I'm not proud of it, but I catch myself judging SAH military spouses. When I hear that that is someone's "job", I have a certain preconceived notion in my head...

    For that matter, I also hate the "you don't have the right to feel sad if your civilian H is gone for the weekend because my soldier was gone for a year" attitude. 

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  • For that matter, I also hate the "you don't have the right to feel sad if your civilian H is gone for the weekend because my soldier was gone for a year" attitude. 

     Same here
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  • Carabiner252...I am loving your Proud wife of a Stay-At-Home Dad! 

    ME TOO!!

    My lover-lover retired and has been a SAHD for a while now.  Isn't it just awesome?!

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