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Parenting after a Loss
Am I overreacting? (long+DH vent)
Well we just got back from our Vegas trip, my best friend met me there with her 1 year old little boy and her and I had a blast with the kids.
DH on the other hand PISSED me off big time! But please be honest if I shouldn't be that upset...
DH and his best friend took their bikes down to Vegas for his friends b-day (they always wanted to do it) This trip was for his friends b-day but I told DH the only way he could go was if I "tagged along" I would let them do their own thing but it would make me feel better with me being there and could hang out some too. (it is just my opinion a married man should not go to Vegas alone, I DO NOT think he would cheat, I just dont think its ok)
Now DH and I had a few conversations on what was going to be "ok" on this trip..like of course no strip clubs, and to check in when he could, text me when they got back to their rooms so I knew they were ok. And one night he was going to stay with us, during the day they would also hang out with us most of the day.
So I flew and met my friend Thursday night, guys did not get in until Friday evening (thought they could go straight through but stopped half way and stayed the night).
First thing that made me a little upset: when they got to our hotel they did come to see us, the kids were asleep for the night and we asked them if they would mind getting us dinner, they agreed but I could tell it annoyed DH, he wanted to go out and start their night. I barely got a hello let alone no kiss or anything. They brought us back dinner and just left as soon as they could.
Now second thing: The guys met up with us around 11am to go eat, again I get no good morning, hug, kiss anything! We are all trying to decide where to eat, and I am barely talked to, its all about his friend and I am pretty much ignored. DH of course is great with DS (he is a great dad) but not so good at being a husband right now.
Third: My friend and I say we are going to take the kids to the pool for the day so DH and his friend are "free" from us for a while. I was trying to be nice knowing they lost a day from traveling. It was like pulling teeth getting DH to walk us out to the pool and help us get set up, then as soon as I sit down, DH says "ok bye" thats it! I say "do I even get a kiss goodbye?" and he turns around and says "wow look who's needy" then gives me a kiss and leaves.
Fourth: All day I barely get any texts, arent invited to anything they are doing. I told them several times that we wanted to take the kids to see the Lions with him, and what does he do?? Sends me a text picture with them at the lions! So I tell him we are going to see them soon and he says "yeah it was cool, you will have fun" uugghh I am really getting pissed now.
Fifth: We were suppose to meet up for dinner, so my friend and I get dressed and kids all packed up and leave for dinner, I text DH to let him know we are heading out and where we would like to go ( Caesars, they can pick the place to eat) and he tells me they were already there and far away so they wont be meeting up!
Ok so I get upset and don't want it to ruin my trip so I send a simple text telling him that I am not really enjoying how he is treating me on this trip and instead of it ruining things for all of us I will just see him at home...he said "ok"
I totally feel like he wanted to be single on this trip...not to cheat, not to really even have anything to do with girls, more to have no responsibility. What gives him that right?? I don't get why he thinks its ok to do that. We are married, we do have kids...
Now I have not responded to one message or answered a phone call from him. They wont be getting home until late tonight.
In total the last 6 days I have seen him for maybe 4 hours...and it does not bother him one bit.
To top it off he sends me a text telling me we need to talk because my attitude this weekend was crap and he doesnt get why...
DH and I have been great too, barely fighting, sex has been great, overall just happy...what happened?
Ok now let me have it girls...am I totally wrong here to be pissed off??
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Re: Am I overreacting? (long+DH vent)
Truthfully, kinda. I think it's fair for him to have a few days (read three) to have that "single" life. However, on that same thread, I think it would be OK for you to do that too, if he expects it. But, six days is a little over-the-top. He had his time to himself, and he has to remember he has responsibilities as a dad and a husband.
Like I said I think you should let him slide for three of those six days, but make sure you let him know that it wasn't OK to be like that the whole time. I hope you guys are able to come to terms on this that you both can agree on! GL!
Thanks. Yeah I plan on having a LONG talk about it. I am just afraid he wont get it at all. He is already acting like I did something wrong. I will be telling him this kind of trip will NOT be happening again.
I may get flamed for my answer, but here it is. He wanted a trip with the guys, something they had been planning and wanting to do for a long time. You force him to let you tag along, with the understanding that he's free to do as he pleases except one night with you and a day. It sounds like you put a lot more expectations on him once you got there when really, he figured he saw you as planned and wanted to hang out with his buddies.
I mean... how would you feel if you had a trip planned with girlfriends for a birthday that you had wanted to do for a long time, and he forced it so he got to tag along and then expected a lot of out you while you were there?
Truly, this was his trip.
I imagine the no kiss, no good morning, etc, was his passive aggresive way of showing he was irritated you were even there. That part wasn't really okay.
Ok I know why you're annoyed and I get it....BUT...I can't help but feel like you *kinda* set yourself up for this one.
It seems like he made it clear he wanted this to be a guy trip and you were kinda trying to turn it into a family trip. Maybe you didn't mean to but if say I wanted to go for a night out with my BFF and our DH's decided to come along and then kept interrupting *our* plans, I'd be pissed to. It's just kinda of that "want to get away from it all" and then "it all" follows you. Does that make sense?
And this is just me (and I'm not trying to be snarky) but if you trust him not to cheat and all, then why does he need rules in Vegas? I don't care what DH does in Vegas because I trust him not to cheat on me, so if I trust him then what does it matter if he goes out drinking all night or goes to a strip club?
Yeah I agree with you on letting some of the days slide. I went into this trip not expecting much at all really. But to act like he is annoyed to be around me or not even acknowledging I am his wife when he was around me sucks. I really wouldn't have even been bugged really with how little I saw him, I am more upset with how he treated me when he did...
I agree.
Oh I totally get what you are saying...but I should say add this...it was just him and one friend, he acted like he wanted me to go before too, I was really the one who "gave" all this freedom and he was surprised...and to top it off my friends are going to vegas in June for a 2 day get together and he told me "NO WAY" just doesnt seem fair...
I agree with this, sorry.
This. sorry.
I agree.
I agree with View and OregonMama on this one
Sorry.
Hopefully you and DH can talk it out when he gets back. Try to see it from his view but he also should try to understand that if he was around you,then he should have acknowledged you.
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You make a good point. The reason I had my friend come was to have fun too, I really didn't care I didn't get to see him much, like I said before it was just how he treated me when he did see me. I could have cared less if it was just a hello when they got there and a goodbye when they took off, but to not even give me the time of day is just now how we are and it sucked to see him treat me that way. But truly lessoned learned on this one.
I have to agree too for the most part. BUT I don't think it gives him an exc use to treat/make you feel like crap. HE should have been more upfront about how he felt about you coming. And honestly- why should he say yes to yo going to Vegas when you tagged along on his trip? There has to be more balance and equality in you guys each wanting to do your own things with your own friend. Trust is trust. IT shouldn't matter what city, country, etc you are visiting!
I think I didn't explain the part with me going to Vegas for my friends trip, I knew before this trip, talked to him about it and he said "NO WAY" and this was in the middle of us figuring out his trip. I was actually thinking about not going and just letting it be, but one he said I couldn't go because its different for woman in Vegas and he would be worried and two he wanted me to go on this trip to make it a "family" trip during the day. His words, not mine...So I guess he just wansnt being fully honest with wanting us to go...
You aren't going to like my opinion...but...you tagged along on a guy trip? To Vegas. What did you really expect?
I think your DH did what most guys would do.
I know I've been to Vegas w/o DH since we've been married and in my opinion it's not a big deal at all. Actually, most of the traveling I do is without DH since he hates to travel.
Seriously? It will be a cold day in h*ll when DH tells me what I can and can't do....
yeah...hence the "agreement" with me going on this trip so I wont go on the one with my friends...thats why he tried to make me feel like he really wanted me to go and have a "family day".....I guess I should put this as reason number 22343483 why I am pissed off at DH. There was a lot in between but I can't write everything it would take all day haha
I agree with OregonMama. And as for this bolded part, it sounds like he wanted to have a trip to himself, but doesn't want you to go to Vegas alone, so though he could get out of it by calling it a family trip, and then doing his own thing. I'd be upset with him not being honest with you about what he wanted out of this trip and unless he had a good reason besides "it's different for women" I'd be booking that trip in June (assuming you want to go).
booking it as we speak hahaha
good advise thank you!
I agree with the majority here....and I've learned over the years that both DH and I need our own "adventures" regardless of the fact that we have kids. There are family vacations, our own romantic vacations and then our "single" vacations. There's no cheating (to my knowledge) on the single vacations and they are very rare but I would never insist on tagging along.
Like pp said, maybe this was just miscommunication and I hope you are able to have a conversation about this to clear the air. It's unfortunate that you all didn't have a good time because of the way things seem to have played out but by talking about it you will probably avoid a similar situation in the future.
I think you answered your own question because I think it is unreasonable to think that he doesn't need some independent time. I think it is reasonable that any parent would want to have a time of no responsibility because it is not easy having young kids.
I would have been super insecure too. I hate Vegas and agree that a married man should be careful there. I think I wouldn't have let him go either but I guess it depends on who he was with. I probably would have arranged a sitter and then went with him and did my own thing when he wasn't around that way it didn't feel so onesided (like he had all the fun and you had all the responsibility).
Big hugs. The last time we went to Vegas I was a mess too. It is not a fun city to have kids at.
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"I totally feel like he wanted to be single on this trip...not to cheat, not to really even have anything to do with girls, more to have no responsibility. What gives him that right?? I don't get why he thinks its ok to do that. We are married, we do have kids..."
Having kids and being married does not automatically tie chains around you and never let's you have fun... that's a very unhealthy attitude (flame all you want, but I truly believe this).
Of course he wanted to "be single" on this trip! And depending on how much you trust him, you should have let him do his thing. His intentions were to hang out with the guys and have a good time. I don't think it would be very considerate of him if he got to do his own thing and you never get to have a "girls' weekend" or anything. I try to get my husband to do guy things (hunting, fishing, card games, watching football) as much as possible because as much as he loves us, he needs his space (as do I). Obviously, we spend time together (a lot), but after his "time with the guys" he always comes home happier, because although he's had fun, he's missed us and is more eager to be with us.He;s not a big drinker, and I've been told by his brother that once, he was upset with himself because he had "impure thoughts" (what a baby! But what a sweetie
) Let's just say drinking can lead to emotional displays for which you are later made fun of for!)
Both husband and wife need some time to be with people of their own gender (friends and/or family) without their sig other around.... Otherwise, you smother each other. If I were you, I would have just stayed home (or gone, and just let him do his thingwhile you had fun with your friend and the kids). Next time, let him take the kids and you go have fun!
"Oh I totally get what you are saying...but I should say add this...it was just him and one friend, he acted like he wanted me to go before too, I was really the one who "gave" all this freedom and he was surprised...and to top it off my friends are going to vegas in June for a 2 day get together and he told me "NO WAY" just doesnt seem fair... "
Maybe he acted like he wanted you to go because he thought you'd react the same way he reacted to your request for June. GO TO VEGAS IN JUNE!!! It's not fair he got to basically ignore you the whole time he was in Vegas, and you don't get a rinky-dink two-day trip.