MIL thinks she's entitled to some of JJ's "firsts"

JJsMom211 · May 2011

I had a conversation with my MIL a few weeks ago. I didn't argue with her at the time, but it really bothered me. She told me it is a tradition for her to make baby's first birthday cake. She only has one other grandchild (my niece) and made her first birthday cake. She also has said that when J turns 6, her and FIL will take him on his first trip to Disney Land.

It really bothers me that she thinks she's entitled to making these decisions. Making my child's first birthday cake is kind of a big deal to me. I like to cook and enjoy baking so I'm excited to make his first cake and I already know what kind I'm making! I decided to just let it slide right now and to deal with it when the time comes. I'm going to tell her that his birthday dinner will be at my house and I plan on making his cake. She can have a dinner at a later date and make a cake at her house.

As far as the Disney Land situation goes, that is so far off that I'm hoping she'll forget about it by then. She also plans on making him, yes, I said making him, take piano lessons for a year. Apparently he isn't allowed to decide if he likes it or not until he's taken the lessons for a year. RIDICULOUS!! I've never had a problem with her until this conversation. Now I'm just annoyed Angry

watermellens · May 2011

Wow - I'd be annoyed too!! What does your Hubby say about all of this?

JJsMom211 · May 2011

maryellen21:
Wow - I'd be annoyed too!! What does your Hubby say about all of this?

I haven't discussed with him yet. He's way too busy to worry about this and I don't want to bother him with things that can be handled much later. I'll wait until JJ's 1yr birthday is approaching.

izzourclue · May 2011

One grandchild she happened to make a cake for is not a "tradition." Hold strong. Don't give up the "firsts" that are important to you just to be nice and avoid an argument. You and your SO are the only people that are entitled to anything associated with your LO.

cme79 · May 2011

Wow, why anyones family feels any sort of entitlement to a child that they didn't birth is beyond me. That's your child, what YOU say goes, she has no rights.

Fergie+1 · May 2011

I think you're handling it right, OP. No point in starting drama now over something that you're not going to let happen anyway. I would be angry too, if my parents or the IL's felt 'entitled' to Lucian's 1st's.... They had their chance! I'm not letting go of mine!

AimeeL85 · May 2011

Since when does doing something one time make it a "tradition"? If she persists with the cake thing and won't let up, maybe you could have her make a small "smash cake" for him, although you're certainly not obligated to even let her do that much.

rach0528 · May 2011

I can totally see your point; however, remember one day 25 years or so down the road you are going to be a MIL some day

I love my son so much (just as I am sure your MIL loves your DH) it's only natural to want to do stuff with her grandkids. She may be going a bit overbored, but still it makes me tear up to think I am going to be the MIL some day...lol..

Edited To Add: Ok so my reply was all jumbled...I blame on baby brain!! Having two children has really messed up my coherent thoughts. OP: I would be a little bit annoyed too. I think you did the right thing though by not starting drama. I would just tell her that you already had your heart set on the birthday cake but perhaps she could make another dessert or something for the party. As far as Disney goes..you should tell her sure it can be his first trip to Disney but I'm coming along too

TBLilyRose · May 2011

I think some grandparents don't realize that having grandchildren does not = a second chance at raising kids. She had her chance to do special traditions for her kids and I'm sure you'd be willing to work with her to do special things for your DS but it's not right for her to just take over and just do what she wants without consulting you.

ETA I didn't go to Disney until my honeymoon and you'd better believe no one else is taking my kids without me!!

PunkyBooster · May 2011

OMG what is it with grandparents and disney world? My mother said the same exact thing! Except she "will be taking him when he is 5". Ridiculous!

The piano lessons thing would REALLY irk me. I know my mom said something about making DS play the violin and not allowing him to play football and I said I would nurture the interests he shows when the time is appropriate.

LordValuemart · May 2011

When the time comes for your LO's first birthday, I'd probably just remind your MIL how excited she was to make your husband's first birthday cake, and ask politely for her to step down off of that one because it's something that means a lot to you. The Disneyland thing is far off, but I would probably just make it a whole family thing and you and your H go along, that way she can "take" him but you all get to enjoy it together.

kmares · May 2011

I am all about compromise with Grandparents. My mom was never able to enjoy my niece and nephew b/c of an evil SIL. So I was happy to have her experience a lot DD firsts. She passed away suddenly when DD was 2. I loved that she was apart of DD life. Talk to your MIL and let her know how you feel because she is not entitled to anything. But don't wait until right before the birthday party or when you son turns 6 because that will make things worse.

Regarding the cake, maybe you can make the smash cake for your DS so you know what he is getting and then she could make another cake for the rest of the family. If she wants to take him to Disney Land make sure you and DH go and she pays for it. It's expensive to go (I have taken DD twice) and I would be happy if someone paid for it. Piano lessens to me not a big deal. Your DS will make it clear if he doesn't want to go and if he is unhappy she probably will back down.

Hyfagal · May 2011

Nope. She doesn't make those choices. She had her kids, you have yours.

kanela13 · May 2011

I'm usually a lurker with some random posts here and there but after reading this I had to comment.

Hell to the MOFO NO! I got angry for you after reading this. Angry You, your SO and DS are your own family with your own traditions; you do not have to adopt your MIL's just because she says so. I'm sorry but who does she think she is? It's YOUR family not hers and you should be able to do whatever you want to do for YOUR DS. She should respect that and not expect you/your SO to bow down to her wishes.

All the firsts are for the mom and dad to experience and enjoy; the rest of family will eventually get to go through these experiences if they haven't already with their own child. She can't make YOUR child do anything; it's up to you and your SO to make those choices and decisions.

I saw someone else posted that one day you'll be the MIL and I agree I think about that and hope that when that day comes I'll be able to be involved with my grandkid ask much as my MIL is but I'm NEVER going to be making/telling anyone what to do with their own DD/DS based on my own personal agenda; it's completely selfish.

I hope when those firsts come for your DS YOU and your SO will get to enjoy them and do what YOU guys want to do. When it comes down to it it's what makes your family (you & SO) and your child happy - no one else. Good luck!

Disneygeek77 · May 2011

Sorry, but if my MIL said something like that to me, I would have trouble keeping a straight face. True, I wouldn't argue about it now, but I would be fully prepared to take her down a notch when the time comes.

WellersBo · May 2011

kanela13:

I'm usually a lurker with some random posts here and there but after reading this I had to comment.

Hell to the MOFO NO! I got angry for you after reading this. You, your SO and DS are your own family with your own traditions; you do not have to adopt your MIL's just because she says so. I'm sorry but who does she think she is? It's YOUR family not hers and you should be able to do whatever you want to do for YOUR DS. She should respect that and not expect you/your SO to bow down to her wishes.

All the firsts are for the mom and dad to experience and enjoy; the rest of family will eventually get to go through these experiences if they haven't already with their own child. She can't make YOUR child do anything; it's up to you and your SO to make those choices and decisions.

I saw someone else posted that one day you'll be the MIL and I agree I think about that and hope that when that day comes I'll be able to be involved with my grandkid ask much as my MIL is but I'm NEVER going to be making/telling anyone what to do with their own DD/DS based on my own personal agenda; it's completely selfish.

I hope when those firsts come for your DS YOU and your SO will get to enjoy them and do what YOU guys want to do. When it comes down to it it's what makes your family (you & SO) and your child happy - no one else. Good luck!

I agree with this completely! We are currently not on speaking terms with MIL because she was upset she didn't get to see DD one day we were in town & she told my husband, "She's not only your daughter. She's our granddaughter first, then your daughter second". Needless to say this did not go over well with us!

Stay firm & don't give in to her. In my experience that only makes it harder for you in the long run. Hopefully your hubby will be on the same page as you. Good luck!

bethandjoe09 · May 2011

Fergie+1:
I think you're handling it right, OP. No point in starting drama now over something that you're not going to let happen anyway. I would be angry too, if my parents or the IL's felt 'entitled' to Lucian's 1st's.... They had their chance! I'm not letting go of mine!

This exactly.

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