a hurtful comment vent

lindsmichellen · May 2011

I need to vent about this and share somewhere, I have no one else I can go to with it that won't alter anyones views of the boyfriend...It's already difficult enough that we would like to conceive and we are not married, though is a personal choice. I've mentioned before, he already has two daughters from a previous marriage We got into an argument Saturday, and he decided to leave for a few hours to see the kids, the arguing continued through text messages of course.At some point throughout the conversation, he said 'he is where he belongs, with his family - something I can't give him' - my world just about shattered. I understand people say hurtful things when they're angry, and hurt - but some things can't be taken back, or reversed, and I don't think he realizes what it is he said, or that it wasn't something that just went in one ear and out the other. It's heavy on my brain, and I think about those words "something you can't give me" replay over and over again in my mind. I don't want to make a big deal over it, I know he didn't mean it - it was in the heat of the moment, and bringing it up will likely cause yet another argument as he's been on edge lately with the ex wife stressing him...

I just needed to vent... thanks ladies.

genmalone · May 2011

You don't want to make a big deal over it? Sorry, I think that's a huge deal. Saying something so hurtful in the heat of the moment is no excuse.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

jessican08 · May 2011

That's an inexcusable comment IMO, heat of the moment or not. I don't think I could ever let that one go...

Whoever said "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me." obviously never heard that one...

I'm SO sorry you had to hear that.

wordslikeswords · May 2011

Yeah I don't think this is what you want to hear, but this would be a huge issue for me. People do say things they don't mean, but to pick at such a deeply personal issue is just wrong. I'm so sorry you got that from someone who is supposed to be supporting you.

ChicagoWeded2007 · May 2011

We are dealing with male factor infertility and I would never ever ever say such a thing to my husband. omg, how horrible.

maybebride · May 2011

Absolutely inexcusable under any circumstance, especially when speaking about his other children. It would take a lot for me to come back from a comment like that.

99luftballoons · May 2011

I know you don't want to hear this, but I really don't think that can be chalked up to a "heat of the moment" thing. I think sometimes people say things in anger or jest that they deeply feel. At the very least, he was trying to hurt you in a way that he knew would cause you the most amount of pain. And this is the man you want to have a family with? I would do some soul searching on this one.

Like Chicago said, we are dealing with MFI. MH and I have had some fights where we've been in the "heat of the moment" and said mean things, but I've never said anything like that to him and I never would. That shows a huge lack of respect and would be a huge red flag for me. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

lindsmichellen · May 2011

@99luftballoons - I am, doing a lot of searching at the moment, it's been since Saturday and my brain has been running non-stop regarding it, what I should say, do or think. He's an amazing man, amazing father - I don't know if I want to chalk our entire relationship up as over, or something I don't want because of this comment.

I guess my question to all the ladies is; do I try to get past it, and see if I can? See if we can talk it out - find out why he said it, and what to do next? Would you?

Thank you all for the kind words though.

Sel Gris · May 2011

I'm sorry hun, but that is a big freakin' deal. Don't allow yourself to be talked to like that. No amount of outside frustration should make that comment okay.

ChicagoWeded2007 · May 2011

lindsmichellen:

@99luftballoons - I am, doing a lot of searching at the moment, it's been since Saturday and my brain has been running non-stop regarding it, what I should say, do or think. He's an amazing man, amazing father - I don't know if I want to chalk our entire relationship up as over, or something I don't want because of this comment.

I guess my question to all the ladies is; do I try to get past it, and see if I can? See if we can talk it out - find out why he said it, and what to do next? Would you?

Thank you all for the kind words though.

Not such an amazing boyfriend, though. Sometimes I have nightmares where my DH talks to me like that. I am so relieved when I wake up and realize it was all a dream. I would go to couples counseling, or at least counseling on your own to learn how to fight the right way without resorting to saying awful, soul-crushing things to each other.

allie76 · May 2011

I don't know if I could continue being in a relationship with a man who said that to me. That was really "below the belt". MH has two children from a prior marriage and he has never made me feel that way.

I can't tell you what to do, but if you want to continue a relationship with this man I would definately go to counseling WITH him and put TTC on hold.

amor_eterno · May 2011

Whoa! I'm really sorry that he said such a hurtful comment, but if I were you, I would really think about whether I want to start a family with a man that says such things. Also, while starting a family outside of marriage is in fact a personal choice, do you think in your case it would be a wise decision? He's already talking to you like this and then got up and left to be with his "family." Marriage is not for everyone, and I get that, but he doesn't sound like he's all that committed to you to begin with if he leaves then says things like this.

I promise I'm not trying to be snarky in any way, but I would really think about this before continuing to TTC. GL

farmerlynda · May 2011

I would definitely talk to him and try and figure out why he said what he did. Whatever you do, don't try to just "get over it."

I agree with the others -- that is insanely hurtful, and I'm SO sorry you had to hear that. IF is a medical problem, it's the same as walking up to your partner and saying "you have cancer -- you can't be the healthy [wife/husband] that I want"!! Which would be really messed up.

Counseling might be in order... and maybe it would help you find out more about why he doesn't want to get married.

kelnyc · May 2011

I agree with the others that his comment is inexcusable, regardless of the fight (and he said this over text? that means he gave it some thought beforehand). That's like saying, "I didn't meant to cheat on you, I was drunk!"

I don't honestly think asking him why he said it is not going to help. He will probably be apologetic and try to smoothe the whole thing over, but the fact of the matter is, he must really feel this way, at least a little, somewhere in his heart. He called them "his family"? What does that make you and the child you are trying for? He basically just told you exactly what he thinks of you, and it isn't much compared to them. I'm sorry it had to come out this way, but better now than after baby. ((hugs))

jstrat53 · May 2011

You def need to talk to him and find out why he would say that. You and him need to come to an understanding that when you fight (and every couple fights, it can be healthy) you don't hit below the belt. Make you tell him exactly how his comment made you feel!

StumpyG · May 2011

I'm so sorry you had to hear that. I couldn't dream up a more hurtful thing for someone to say to another person if I tried. I can only imagine how I would feel or what I would do in your situation, but I hope you find some resolution and peace (in or out of the relationship).

Mrs.Slick · May 2011

If it were me, I'd be making a HUGE deal of it. I can't imagine how badly those words hurt and I hope you and your dh can have a serious discussion about what happened and come up with a game plan to improve his outlook on things.

tshott · May 2011

amor_eterno:

Whoa! I'm really sorry that he said such a hurtful comment, but if I were you, I would really think about whether I want to start a family with a man that says such things. Also, while starting a family outside of marriage is in fact a personal choice, do you think in your case it would be a wise decision? He's already talking to you like this and then got up and left to be with his "family." Marriage is not for everyone, and I get that, but he doesn't sound like he's all that committed to you to begin with if he leaves then says things like this.

I promise I'm not trying to be snarky in any way, but I would really think about this before continuing to TTC. GL

I agree with this!

I never usually say this, but considering you're not married, I would be gone in a heartbeat. If I wasn't married and my boyfriend said that to me, I'd be out the door so fast! I do NOT buy into the whole "I was angry when I said it" excuse. We're all adults here and there is no excuse to run your mouth, fight or not. That comment was particularly below the belt.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide. But, you really don't deserve to be treated that way.

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