August 2011 Moms
nikkiandchris
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How to get DH to talk about circumcision?
nikkiandchris
member
I know where I stand on the issue, but I want my husband to participate in the conversation and do some of his own research. When I bring it up he says "I can't even believe this is up for discussion." and then shuts down. I'm forwarding him articles presenting both sides and hoping he comes around, but do you have any suggestions for how to get him to open up? He's usually so reasonable and logical, but I guess I've hit a nerve.
As I said to him, "I want you to be educated about the topic so we can make the decision together. And, looking down in the shower does not count as research."
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Re: How to get DH to talk about circumcision?
DS#1- Born August 2011
I agree with PP.
I know with my H, sometimes he responds better to visual things, like documentaries, than words on a piece of paper. Have you considered giving it a few weeks without mentioning it (because really, you have time), and then asking him to watch a documentary on it with you? Watching The Business of Being Born really helped my husband and I open up lines of communication earlier in the pregnancy, and he had very, very stubborn views on OB care versus 'hippie doctors'. Seeing someone in a white coat explain the importance of intervention-free delivery/MW care helped him understand that this wasn't another one of my 'crazy ideas' and that it was backed by a lot of research and medical fact.
Good luck!
In my opinion I think you guys need to come to an agreement.. but I will say that whatever your H is.. your baby should be. I may get flamed for this but your husband is a man.. He knows what its like to have a penis. I think its something that is tradition in families and should be carried on. Either way if you get it or do not get it.
Also small vent on circumcision.. People argue that it takes away some sensation i you get a little boy circumcised but how will the boy know if he never had the foreskin to begin with? If we happened to be having a boy right now, he would be circumcised.
It sounds like this is more of the issue of him having his mind made up about the topic and you trying to sway him.
I think you need to leave it alone for a while. Rather than push him to talk about it, just drop a fact here and there now and then. Things like, "Hey, I ready today that X number of american boys aren't circumcised in the past 2 years" Don't ask for his opinion on it but just casually share some of hte facts with him.
Have you begun to research and/or interview pediatricians yet? For my H, the big factors that made him oppose circumcision (which is something we had talked about and agreed upon long before getting married, let along pg) were that the AAP no longer recommends it, the fact that it's actually becoming MORE common to be un-circ'd than circ'd, and that there is loss of sensation in the penis when circ'd.
(and, as an aside, the latter "argument" is applicable b/c just b/c your kiddo won't know he has decreased sensation from loss of his foreskin for many many years, he will eventually know this. Obviously, my H knows that if his foreskin had remained in tact, he'd have greater sensation...it's something adult men learn eventually.)
Anyway, these things mattered to him. My point though is - would your H be more willing/ready to discuss it with a pediatrician? Just knowing the AAP didn't recommend it made my H more open to learning about why - and then after he did his research, he opposed it from a very logical POV. Good luck. I would be so so disappointed if my H and I had a hard time with this...I totally understand feeling passionately about it. It's something you both eventually have to agree on completely, but I do NOT believe you should just have "less say in the matter" b/c he has a penis. Definitely talk about it until you come to an agreement. I hope he eventually becomes more available to you to talk about it with him.
Sorry, I should have been more clear, he genuinely thought that it was pretty much automatic to get your sons circumcised, and was unaware of the changes / debate in the medical community on this topic. When he said he didn't know it was up for discussion, that is what he meant.
Thank you for the advice ladies, I think I will leave it alone for a few weeks and let him process. I have talked to a pediatrician already and done my research. I know we need to come to an agreement, it's not a matter of me swaying him or him deciding because he has a penis. We both need to be comfortable with the decision, but I need him to be able to talk about it first! I Ah, men.
That is great advice! This is strange for me, because we've never had an issue with communication before- No topic is ever off limits in our house, and we always find a way to resolve these things. Circumcision mediation it is!
Yowza. My thoughts exactly.
My husband had a total shut down... followed by a total freak out...then an irrational temper tantrum... then an emotional break down... and then a 180- and that all took a long time. I wish people would get this process started before they even get married. It's not an easy thing to do in just 9 months... even less if you wait to know you are having a boy.
I just read this blog last night which I thought was a pretty interesting perspective of a father: https://shouldicircumcise.blogspot.com/2011/04/ouch-you-motherfer.html#comment-form
Here is my own story: https://thefrontporchswing.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-parents-are-both-artists-and-i-grew.html#links
This is another article that explains a little bit of the emotional hurdle a circumcised man faces when he is asked to question (what was done to him) Even though you think it's about the baby- it's not- it's about protecting himself from what he might find out... or open himself up to feelings he's never allowed himself to entertain. In Ronald Goldman's book "Circumcision the hidden trauma" he calls it "the adamant father syndrome"
https://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html
As far as that "family tradition" idea- In the past, most men who were circumcised as babies were not circumcised because of family tradition, but because of hospital policy- this circumcised all males born without even asking parents if they wanted to do it. I've spoken with many grandmothers who were given the impression that it was illegal to leave the hospital without circumcising. In this era perdating "informed consent" fathers (many not circumcised) were prevented from participating at all during the birth- excluded in the waiting room while their wife labored tied to a bed drugged with the amnesia drug scopolamine. That is the root of this American "tradition"... it has no claim in our future just because it happened in the past.
By the way, the fact that my sons don't "match" their father has never been an issue for them or for their dad.
This is a hard one.
I completely understand how you're feeling. Before I knew we were having a girl, I breached this subject with my DH. My father is an urologist, and his opinion (after having to fix botched surgeries) is not to do circumcisions. However, my DH had the exact opposite opinion. This is an emotional topic for guys. I told my HD that I would completely support our son if he chose to have the procedure (after doing research) when he was older, like high school - but that wasn't enough to make DH change his mind.
I think stepping back from the conversation, and having a pediatrician talk to your DH is a great idea. Sometimes they are willing to talk about things, just not with us.
Ummm.. this is the stupidest line of thought I have ever heard on this subject. So if his dad was hard of hearing, would it be ok to damage your child's eardrums before he realized what having that sense in tact would be like? Same thing here. I'm glad you aren't having a boy so you can mutiliate his genitalia for this insane reasoning.