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2nd Trimester
NBR: Looking for advice about Dad's suicide
On Monday, my dad shot himself. Even as I write these words I feel numb from shock. I can't believe this happened and if you knew my dad, I believe it would be a shock to you as well.
My parents were having some marital problems but were not separated at the time. In fact, they came over on the Thursday before for dinner and everything seemed great. My DH & I even made comments on how good they seemed. I feel like he hid this from all of us but I am still wishing there was something I could have done to stop him.
I am so sad and of course trying to stay calm for my unborn baby. For those who have had a parent do this, does it get easier? It is so much different than dealing with a parent that dies from a sudden illness. It's like there is something I could have done to stop it although I know this isn't the case.
If anyone has advice, I would appreciate it. My husband has been so wonderful and I'm glad I have him--but would love to hear another outlook from someone who knows how I feel first hand. I just can't believe my dad is gone.
Wyatt 3.21.07
Grant 8.29.09
Ross 9.21.11
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Re: NBR: Looking for advice about Dad's suicide
The greatest thing I did for myself was go to counseling. It can take you a few times to find the right person. Check with your company's HR dept. To see if you have access you an EAP, you can get free or low cost counseling that way. You should also be covered under your DHs if he has one (my counselor is actually through my husband's EAP because I liked her the best).
Please understand that whatever you are feeling, it's okay, and probably normal, and everyone grieves differently. It's okay if you can't be there for your mom or your other family members right now, because you have to focus on yourself. That's not selfish or uncaring. Sometimes it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and for your baby.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk. Again, I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this
While my dad didn't commit suicide (although he keeps saying he will), my brother did commit suicide on December 4, 2007. He would have turned 21 on Christmas day. I'll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. First of all, I do think it is different when someone dies from suicide as opposed to natural causes or even other causes (my brother was a soldier, so dying in action was a possibility). I can't tell you how the "I should have/could have stopped it" scenarios have torn my family apart - especially the minds of my mother, father and sister. Depression grabbed hold of their hearts, icy and dark. Oy, I am praying for your mom because these feelings will be strongest in her. I hope she seeks counseling soon, hun... she needs someone to talk to. I pray she doesn't feel guilty. The guilt! It's the worst. My brother called people before his death and many didn't pick up the phone. They felt guilty! I felt awful for letting our relationship fall apart (my brother's and my relationship). The truth is, this decision to kill oneself is incredibly personal. Nobody can stop a suicidal person... except maybe a mental health professional and only if that person is committed and going through counseling and on antidepressants! My brother took pills and alcohol then he slit his throat and each of those times he lived. Eventually, he was alone for a long period and he hung himself. He was persistent. There was nothing that we could do about that. The first thing that must be done is to forgive yourself. Suicide is selfish. It leaves others aching and wondering and self-blaming. That's the tragedy in the end... five years later even. Those whose hearts heal are those who forgive themselves and realize that they had no hand in the decision for this person to take his own life and there was nothing that could have been done. Nothing. While I have accepted his death and realized that there was nothing I could do and my sister Melissa has moved on... even my father is doing better now... my mother and middle sister Jen look forward to his death anniversary... "You do know what tomorrow is, right? I can't believe you forgot!" and they stay inside sobbing all day! Who does that? I understand grief, but moving past the death of someone (especially a tragic death) must happen. At points, you have to force yourself to move on... forget bad memories... remember good memories and make a conscious decision to do so. For you, this death is fresh... and it will be very hard to take and understand. It may even be hard to understand and take for years to come. I didn't let myself grieve for over a year. So, let yourself grieve. But don't let that grief take your life away. Don't let memories haunt you. Don't let what-ifs echo in your mind - they are false! Watch after your mother. I can't imagine how she's taking it. It seems that I've rambled on and on. I guess I have strong feelings on the subject and I hope they're not taken wrong. It's important to grieve, yes, but it's even more important not to let the negative things of this experience take away future joys! I was thinking last night that it was funny that the point (is there one?) of suicide is simply that someone feels that the world would be better if they were not in it and everyone would be better off. But after my brother's death, these negative, haunting, dark things (what-ifs and memories and depression) have so interwoven in the lives of people I love that it's as if his suicide has done the opposite of what he probably intended. It's sad. I wish with everything in me that my middle sister and mother could find that joy again. I wish they didn't let what-ifs eat them alive.
In the end, though, the sadness most definitely fades. For some, it lurks in the shadows because they let it grow there. Others move on and find joy while others seemingly seek out the sadness. I think we all know which group we want to be a part of - the ones who let joy come back into our lives. I am very sorry by the loss of your father. This is, IMO, the worst way to die. You can't blame anyone. Blame for some reason is a natural thing for us... who is responsible for taking the life of the person we love? If it was a murder, we could point a finger. If it was cancer, we could hate cancer. With suicide, do we point the finger at the person who we loved so dearly but is gone? There seems something wrong with that, so we point the fingers at ourselves sometimes. It is nobody's fault. Nobody could choose this for someone - suicide. Nobody. It isn't your fault. It isn't your mom's fault. Fault is such an ugly word, I guess... choice is better. It was your dad's choice. It was my brother's choice.
Hang in there, hun. This too shall pass...
Married since 06/19/2004|Anna born 11/19/2006|Charles born 11/1/11
Double undergrad graduation May 2011| Me: Psychology, DH: Communication| A long journey!
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Not my dad but a friend who was more like a big brother, did this 5 years ago January. I spoke to him the day before and I have beat myself up over it for the past 5 years wondering if I had said something different if it would have changed the outcome.
He was married but like your parents had some issues but things seemed to be good, he and his wife where in the process of adopting a baby. He was also having issues at work that weighed heavier on him then he let anyone on to believe.What many of us did not know was he was suffering from bipolar disorder and never sought helped. He hid it from all of us.
It was very difficult at first and even now it is hard and I tear up just thinking about it but over time it does get easier. At first I was upset and confused, then angry thinking how selfish could he be to do that and then sad again just because I miss him in my life.
I highly recommend finding a group or a counselor to speak with. It will help. Each person will grieve differently and have different emotions about the situation. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. My friends suicide caused a rift in many family relationships which was and is difficult. His mother felt if you did not openly grieve you had no compassion and are a bad person and cut you off. She also never went to counseling and is still stuck back at that day 5 years ago and has been unable to move on.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you to all that replied. I really appreciate the prayers, positive thoughts and stories of those in similar situations.
I know time will heal, but I just can't believe this is what happened to my dad. I always pictured him being an 80 year old man and it's hard to believe he ended his life at 57.
I really do appreciate everyone who responded.
I have been a lurker until now, but since I have experience with this, I thought I would join in.
I'm very sorry for your loss. My Dad committed suicided in 2005 when I was 23, just shy of two years after my mom died unexpectedly. Unlike your situation, my dad was having a very rough time after his third wife cheated on him, took all of his stuff and left. My dad was a regular drinker (beer every night) but it didn't really get to be a real problem until shortly before he committed suicide and I found him passed out a few times and he had to go to the ER. He was in at out of rehab several times (never staying more than a few days). We actually had a discussion about him trying to kill himself and he told me he would never do that. However that turned out not to be true.
I want you to know that it does get easier. There was no way you could have known what was going on, but I completely get how you wish you could have done something. In my case, I knew my dad was mentally unstable, but I had just gotten married and moved out of his house, so I was focused on myself and my new marriage too. I was pretty hard on him for some of the decisions he made during the time he was on and off again with his third wife (like taking my 18 year old at the time younger sisters $18,000 of life insurance from my moms death and using it to pay off his new wifes debt) and I felt at the time like it could have been my fault. Like he knew we would be getting more money from his life insurance, so that would pay my sister back. I also felt like I should have called an gone over more. It was a week between the time his wife took all of his stuff and left for the final time and when he comitted suicide and I don't think I even went over to his house in that time. We talked on the phone and he was telling me he was actually doing pretty well and he sounded better than he had in a long time (which I now know could mean he had already made the decision to kill himself so he felt good about things).
Sorry that is a lot about my situation but I guess what I wanted to point out from that is that even with my regrets and what ifs, I got past it and have come to terms with the fact that it was not my fault and there is no way I could have known what would happen. The biggest thing that helped my come to terms with it was knowing that the great dad I had growing up, who came to all of our sporting events, took us on vacations, paid child support, bragged about his daughters all the time and never skipped out on his time with us, wold have never left his 23 and 19 year old daughters parentless. I truly believe that anyone who has the capacity to kill themselves is suffering from mental illness and cannot think rationally. For my dad it was depression and alcoholism.
I was lucky enough to get through things with the support of my husband and somehow stay (mostly) sane without counseling, but there are still times where I think I should be going to counseling. The biggest thing that helped me was time, but I would definitely recommend grief counseling and I'm not sure why I didn't do it at the time. 5.5 years after my dads death and 7.5 years after my moms, I still get moments of sadness every once in awhile, but for the most part I am a happy, well adjusted person.
I don't have exact experience with your situation because my father survived his suicide attempt. Apparently he overdosed on the one bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet that wouldn't kill him. He got lucky. My family got lucky that he chose that bottle instead of a different one. But I will say that the guilt you feel - "how did we not see this coming?" "How could we not know?" Well, it really does eat you alive, even when your loved one survives their suicide attempt. And then the anger - "how could he do this to us? To our family? How could he make a choice to leave us?" And the hurt and feelings of betrayal and the feeling that I didn't even know who my father really was. I cannot imagine the pain you're going through right now. It must be exponential to what my family experienced. After my father's attempt I definitely needed counseling. I was still in college, so I was able to go to the free counseling center on our campus and it did wonders for me. I highly recommend seeking out professional counseling. It really does help. It really does help guide you through all the different emotions you're going to be feeling. Right now you're in shock, but the emotions are just going to bombard you one day and it will be so helpful to have someone to take those to, to talk about them with.
You and your family are in my prayers. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I pray that somehow you're able to find peace and healing.
Though I haven't gone through this exactly I've had some family issues with it. My uncle has tried to kill himself more than once. My dad's family has a lot of mental health problems. Since my parents have seperated my Dad has said repeatedly that he wants to kill himself. However I do realize saying it and doing it are very different things. Due to some of the issues from my parents seperation and my dad putting me in the middle I began to see a therapist who helped me deal with the anxiety I had over my dad's behavior. I've really learned a lot and I think if he were to ever follow through and kill himself, I would be greatful that I'd done the therapy I had and would immediatly start going back.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I pray that you find comfort and peace.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. My husband's best friend committed suicide some years ago and he even contemplated it at one point. I just wanted to suggest you look into the AFSP. It is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. In my local area they do this walk called "Out of the Darkness" to raise money to help prevent suicide. They also have a lot of things to help with support when someone has committed suicide. The walk is so great for the families because they can all come together and share their stories. They do this memory wall and you get different colored beads to wear depending upon if you knew someone or if you yourself have thought about suicide. It is a great group. I hope that this will help you get started.
Here is a link https://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=742A015C-D811-979A-AB84379C813F8D93