So true. I wasn't prepared for the toll new-parenthood took -- we had to work out a lot of new challenges and it def took some time. We've always been such a good team, but parenthood was a whole new ballgame! Syncing calendars and using a shared family calendar is a total must now. I like the walking to communicate idea too. :-)
I agree with this...I read something once that said this is fairly common, and supposedly the reason is because when you're out walking, your physical attention is directed outward (you look and are moving forward, etc.) so you can broach sensitive topics in a still intimate but less confrontational way than might normally happen (e.g., staring someone in the face). I don't know if that's true, but it made a certain amount of sense to me!
As a side note, I wonder how many parents actually fight about stuff like whose turn it is to do a diaper change (since that was one of the examples given in the article). Is that common? I don't think we've ever argued about that kind of stuff. Really, the only thing we had to hash out was that in the early days, Ben interpreted spending time or playing with the boys as parking them next to him in rockers while he did stuff on his computer, whereas I pushed direct interaction. But that's really the only issue that I can recall, and we've shared all the duties - bottles, diapers, baths, etc. - pretty equally from the start. Interesting.
As a side note, I wonder how many parents actually fight about stuff
like whose turn it is to do a diaper change (since that was one of the
examples given in the article). Is that common?
I think having a kid is such a life-changing shake up that many things are possible, even
in strong marriages. For us, our adjustment challenge was that we prioritized things differently (e.g., DH is a neat freak and could put house cleaning and "chores" ahead of child-related responsibilities, which to me take priority). I don't think our disagreements were ever as trivial as changing a diaper, but had we not worked out the bigger issues of new priorities and realistic ways to divvy up everything now on our plate, I can definitely see how a single poopy diaper could lead to a giant blow up.
As a side note, I wonder how many parents actually fight about stuff like whose turn it is to do a diaper change (since that was one of the examples given in the article). Is that common? I don't think we've ever argued about that kind of stuff.
I bet it's more of a cumulative thing. Like, one person (usually mom) feels they do more and then resentment builds until you explode. Not necessarily about changing diapers, but baby care in general.
And I think in a lot of cases, dads don't mind doing stuff if we just ask them. But they feel like they need to be told or asked to do something and don't just take initiative to do it. We moms usually interpret it as they don't want to do it.
i agree that it takes a huge toll on things. i never expected that. it makes sense that if you're going to do premarital counseling before marriage to get expectations set that you should also do "pre-baby counseling" too. of course, some aspects of raising a baby you just can't know/understand until you are thrown into it...
we're still a work in progress i think. the other day DH brought his laptop into the play room and did stuff on the internet while she was playing in there. i told him "you can't play with her when you're on your laptop like that." his response was "i didn't say i was going to play w/her, i said i wanted to spend time with her."
Grrrrrrr.... i told him that being in the same room with her while doing something else does not equal spending time with her!!!
Re: So Cute, So Hard on Marriage..
I agree with this...I read something once that said this is fairly common, and supposedly the reason is because when you're out walking, your physical attention is directed outward (you look and are moving forward, etc.) so you can broach sensitive topics in a still intimate but less confrontational way than might normally happen (e.g., staring someone in the face). I don't know if that's true, but it made a certain amount of sense to me!
As a side note, I wonder how many parents actually fight about stuff like whose turn it is to do a diaper change (since that was one of the examples given in the article). Is that common? I don't think we've ever argued about that kind of stuff. Really, the only thing we had to hash out was that in the early days, Ben interpreted spending time or playing with the boys as parking them next to him in rockers while he did stuff on his computer, whereas I pushed direct interaction. But that's really the only issue that I can recall, and we've shared all the duties - bottles, diapers, baths, etc. - pretty equally from the start. Interesting.
I think having a kid is such a life-changing shake up that many things are possible, even in strong marriages. For us, our adjustment challenge was that we prioritized things differently (e.g., DH is a neat freak and could put house cleaning and "chores" ahead of child-related responsibilities, which to me take priority). I don't think our disagreements were ever as trivial as changing a diaper, but had we not worked out the bigger issues of new priorities and realistic ways to divvy up everything now on our plate, I can definitely see how a single poopy diaper could lead to a giant blow up.
I bet it's more of a cumulative thing. Like, one person (usually mom) feels they do more and then resentment builds until you explode. Not necessarily about changing diapers, but baby care in general.
And I think in a lot of cases, dads don't mind doing stuff if we just ask them. But they feel like they need to be told or asked to do something and don't just take initiative to do it. We moms usually interpret it as they don't want to do it.
i agree that it takes a huge toll on things. i never expected that. it makes sense that if you're going to do premarital counseling before marriage to get expectations set that you should also do "pre-baby counseling" too. of course, some aspects of raising a baby you just can't know/understand until you are thrown into it...
we're still a work in progress i think. the other day DH brought his laptop into the play room and did stuff on the internet while she was playing in there. i told him "you can't play with her when you're on your laptop like that." his response was "i didn't say i was going to play w/her, i said i wanted to spend time with her."
Grrrrrrr.... i told him that being in the same room with her while doing something else does not equal spending time with her!!!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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