"Good Choice" instead of "Good Boy"?

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

I haven't read any discipline books yet. The only things I know, I learned from teaching. However, my students are teens so I wanted to run this by you guys. Lately, if DS tests boundaries, DH and I simply say "we don't hit" or "no cords, play with your truck" or "hot coffee is not for little hands". We want to start reinforcing good decisions but I thought saying "Good boy" wouldn't encourage self-confidence and intrinsic discipline. My thinking is that he should not think that he is only good when he behaves therefore making him a bad person when he makes poor choices. So, if he reaches for our coffee and we say, "it's hot!" and he decides to pull his hand back, we've been saying "good choice" instead of "good boy." Am I over-analyzing? WDYT? Oh, Dez just turned 1. That's important.

glasgow_girl · April 2011

I'm interested to hear other responses too.

We've been saying "good girl", but it kind of makes me feel like I'm talking to the dog! I'm also curious as to the feelings of "good job" when LO does something - she hears it constantly from MIL and SIL, and I wonder if that will make her prone to thinking she has to "perform" to hear praise.

Sometimes I think I overanalyze, but sometimes I think these early patterns set things in stone for the future.

frenziedmomma · April 2011

We have tended to say "good job" or stuff like "thanks for being such a good helper".

MadameFancyPants · April 2011

I typically rotate phrases. Sometimes I'll thank him for the better behavior. "Coffee is hot, how about you drink your milk." When he moves his hand then I"ll say "Thank you!" I'll also use "good choice" or "great idea."

He's starting to point to things he isn't supposed to have. If he's constantly pointing at my coffee, I might say "that's right. Not for Atticus."

honkytonk_kid · April 2011

fredalina:
I agree that" good boy" or" good girl" can imply that if they had made the other decision, they are a bad person. And no, I don't think a one year old gets that, but how we talk now affects how we talk down the road, so it can have an impact. It's sort of like reverse praise.

I remember it came up in the positive discipline seminar. The facilitator said a few times (as if the child) "Well, gee, if there was a right choice, why didn't you just tell me what it was?" I used to say, "Good listening" but i'm trying to get away from saying" good" at all. Now I might say nothing as if to imply that I knew she'd make that choice all along, or if it's a safety issue I might say, "That's right; you'll be safer climbing on your playground."

I don't think there's a right answer though. It's all a process . I do cringe every time my sFIL says, "good girl." But I cringe whenever he opens his mouth period.

I get that, but I also think there is value in letting a kid make a choice then giving positive reinforcement when the right/best/safest choice is made or redirecting when a wrong/unsafe choice is made. You could tell them the right choice, and there are situations where that's appropriate, but letting a kid make decisions for himself is a good skill to learn.

I used this with the swim team kids I coached (not really comparable to parenting, but you gotta practice somewhere, right? Stick out tongue ) I like phrases like "good choice! great idea! you got it! thanks! look at you! yes ma'am! woohoo!" or even just a high five or thumbs up.

papagena · April 2011

We tend to use good job for specific things, although I do tell him he's a good boy (which he is) just overall, but that is probably more often used as general praise. We try to also say what he did that was good "Good job putting your trucks away" or "that was so good when you did XYZ".

Jelliebean1982 · April 2011

I tend to focus my praise so that she knows exactly what she did that I'm proud of and so that she knows that it's something she should do again.

"You put that toy back right away. What a good listener!"

"You're a good helper. You helped me put the dishes away."

"You were very careful when painting. Look at all the colors you used. And you didn't even get any on your clothes!"

Or, sometimes she'll make a good decision even if it's a hard one. Like when I tell her that she can't get something at the store and she cries because she's sad but she knows that she needs to obey. I make sure to give her lots of hugs and tell her that I'm proud of her for listening, even when it's hard.

ctbride08 · April 2011

We use "good choice" a lot - so much so that our 4yo now tells the 1yo "that was a good choice sister!" He also has an understanding that everyone makes poor choices sometimes and that's okay - its an opportunity to learn.

I think its empowering to children and reinforces that they are in control of their behaviors and choices.

Just as with so many parenting topics, i'm sure there are many things that would work well here, but "good choice" has been sucessful for us.

JDO · April 2011

I haven't read any discipline books yet, but the detention center I worked at before becoming a SAHM used a praise based cognitive behavior management system to reinforce good decisions.

Some of the main concepts that we tried to get across are really reflected in your post. One of these concepts is that "who you are is different than what you do." When a kid makes a mistake they sometimes begin to see themselves as that mistake, they begin to see themselves as the bad kid. I'm not sure how early this type of thinking starts, but it's absolutely true with preteens and teens.

Another concept I see from your post is that "thinking influences behavior, and all behaviors have consequences. If we have positive thinking we will act on our good choices and see positive results."

Needless to say, I'm definitely going to start doing as you do with this and saying "Good choice," I really like it!

honkytonk_kid · April 2011

fredalina:

I don't know. I'm not even sure I totally agree with the concept (still processing it all), but I do think there are ways to reinforce decision-making skills without using judgments.

That's what I got from your first post (I'm not arguing with you, btw, I agree with you) - that it's more appropriate to place the "judgment" if you can call it that on the action/choice vs on the child. As parents I think a certain amount of judgment is needed to teach your child socially appropriate behavior and choices- kids look to their parents for feedback and guidance.

Lol- I probably don't really know what I'm talking about. Obviously (see ticker) my parenting experience is limited to someone who doesn't make choices beyond when to eat or sleep

njh514 · April 2011

We're pretty big on "choices." I very frequently say "great choice" or "nice work." I do say stuff like. "Great choice, buddy! You're such a good boy!" or something. I teach kindergarten so I see where you're coming from. I never say, "you're naughty" or other such things. I typically say stuff like, "is that a good choice or a naughty choice?" (my son is 4 but VERY speech delayed)

We also do a lot of saying stuff like, "I'm not going to let you be naughty because I love you." Never, "I love you BUT I don't like when you make bad choices." That seems too much like saying, "I only love you when you make good choices."

Did that help at all or was that just a bunch of rambling?

:-)

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

fredalina:
honkytonk_kid:

fredalina:
I agree that" good boy" or" good girl" can imply that if they had made the other decision, they are a bad person. And no, I don't think a one year old gets that, but how we talk now affects how we talk down the road, so it can have an impact. It's sort of like reverse praise.

I remember it came up in the positive discipline seminar. The facilitator said a few times (as if the child) "Well, gee, if there was a right choice, why didn't you just tell me what it was?" I used to say, "Good listening" but i'm trying to get away from saying" good" at all. Now I might say nothing as if to imply that I knew she'd make that choice all along, or if it's a safety issue I might say, "That's right; you'll be safer climbing on your playground."

I don't think there's a right answer though. It's all a process . I do cringe every time my sFIL says, "good girl." But I cringe whenever he opens his mouth period.

I get that, but I also think there is value in letting a kid make a choice then giving positive reinforcement when the right/best/safest choice is made or redirecting when a wrong/unsafe choice is made. You could tell them the right choice, and there are situations where that's appropriate, but letting a kid make decisions for himself is a good skill to learn.

I used this with the swim team kids I coached (not really comparable to parenting, but you gotta practice somewhere, right? ) I like phrases like "good choice! great idea! you got it! thanks! look at you! yes ma'am! woohoo!" or even just a high five or thumbs up.

I definitely don't mean not to give kids choices, but when they're little like this, you only give them choices you're okay with them making either decision. "It's bedtime: do you want to walk to your bedroom or hop down the hallway"... either way the result is the kid goes to bed. "Do you want to ride in the cart or be worn?"... either way the kid is safely restrained if you're not in a position to 100% watch them walk through the store.

I guess even when they're older... "I don't think you're ready to have boys drive you on dates. Would you like to invite him over for dinner, or maybe go out with a group of kids and meet him at the movies?" If it's something dangerous, they just don't get to go. "Sorry, kiddo, you know how we feel about unsupervised parties."

I don't know. I'm not even sure I totally agree with the concept (still processing it all), but I do think there are ways to reinforce decision-making skills without using judgments.

Meep. I have heard about giving the "illusion of choice" (finding a factor they can control but ultimately having them do what they need to do regardless). I'm so intimidated about having to do that on the spot!! I do it with my students: "You may type or handwrite your homework", "You may do two 10 point exercises or one 20 point exercise" but those are limited and predictable scenarios. I need to be veeeery creative and think on my toes!!

Although, I was proud of myself yesterday when he kept throwing his hat on the ground during our walk. Instead of saying "don't throw your hat," I said "you may wear your hat or Mommy will hold it" Big Smile

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

njh514:

We're pretty big on "choices." I very frequently say "great choice" or "nice work." I do say stuff like. "Great choice, buddy! You're such a good boy!" or something. I teach kindergarten so I see where you're coming from. I never say, "you're naughty" or other such things. I typically say stuff like, "is that a good choice or a naughty choice?" (my son is 4 but VERY speech delayed)

We also do a lot of saying stuff like, "I'm not going to let you be naughty because I love you." Never, "I love you BUT I don't like when you make bad choices." That seems too much like saying, "I only love you when you make good choices."

Did that help at all or was that just a bunch of rambling?

:-)

That helped very much, thanks! I love the bolded line above!!! I'm going to store that one for when he's bigger!!

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

Jelliebean1982:

I tend to focus my praise so that she knows exactly what she did that I'm proud of and so that she knows that it's something she should do again.

"You put that toy back right away. What a good listener!"

"You're a good helper. You helped me put the dishes away."

"You were very careful when painting. Look at all the colors you used. And you didn't even get any on your clothes!"

Or, sometimes she'll make a good decision even if it's a hard one. Like when I tell her that she can't get something at the store and she cries because she's sad but she knows that she needs to obey. I make sure to give her lots of hugs and tell her that I'm proud of her for listening, even when it's hard.

Ahhhh. This is a great idea!!!

StrawberryAlarmClock · April 2011

papagena:
We tend to use good job for specific things, although I do tell him he's a good boy (which he is) just overall, but that is probably more often used as general praise. We try to also say what he did that was good "Good job putting your trucks away" or "that was so good when you did XYZ".

Good point. I do tell Dez all the time that he's a good boy and I love him and he's a sweetheart, etc. You're right, I don't tie them to any particular behaviors because those are unconditional things.

What do you think about saying "Sweet boys don't hit their Mommies" That's the same as calling him "bad" when he hits, isn't it???

SeaMama · April 2011

sounds like a good idea in theory but I find it ridiculously hard not to say "good boy!". I guess it's kind of ingrained in our culture that that's how you talk to kids. I don't get mad at him or tell him he's bad when he does do something he shouldn't - maybe that will counteract? I hate to think saying "good boy" is yet another "bad" parenting thing. haha.

ericanandy · April 2011

We say,

Thank you what a good choice!

I then also try to "gossip" something discussed in Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler. You speak in a whisper or overhearing tone to someone else about the behavior.

So quite often in my house you hear.

Oh my goodness Biscuit (dog) did you see how Drew made such a great choice and stopped hitting.

or-

Hey daddy, did you know today Drew was such a good listener when mommy asked him to hold her hand nad not run...

jsugrin · April 2011

I've always used, good choice, good thinking, nice decision, you worked really hard to figure that out ect. I think that it's important to help him to understand the foundation of his success in order to replicate it long term instead of just thinking he's good at stuff.

kacelle · April 2011

Several child development experts I've heard lecture have recommended "Good job in _____" or "_____ was a good choice!" They suggest always including in the praise what exactly you were pleased with. Makes sense to me!

They also suggested not saying "Good boy!" or "Good girl!" because it suggests to the child that they are not "good" when they disobey and doesn't foster self-esteem.

Que*Syrah · April 2011

I don't say good boy just because it makes me feel like when I tell our dog good girl.

I say things like "good job keeping your food on your plate"

"Wow, you are playing so nicely with so and so"

"thank you for sharing"

Mama_SAS · April 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
papagena:
We tend to use good job for specific things, although I do tell him he's a good boy (which he is) just overall, but that is probably more often used as general praise. We try to also say what he did that was good "Good job putting your trucks away" or "that was so good when you did XYZ".
Good point. I do tell Dez all the time that he's a good boy and I love him and he's a sweetheart, etc. You're right, I don't tie them to any particular behaviors because those are unconditional things.
What do you think about saying "Sweet boys don't hit their Mommies" That's the same as calling him "bad" when he hits, isn't it???

With DS (he's 4) we've always said "No thank you" in a tone just like when I refuse a cookie that he offers me, as if I'm not going to accept the hitting. "No thank you. I see that you're mad. It's OK to be mad but it's not OK to hit." I think it's important to acknowledge and validate the emotions. I also feel that saying "no thank you" is very different than telling them "no!", if you know what I mean.

We do emphasize good choices over good/bad boy too. He's old enough now that he's knows when he's doing wrong so if we're playing and he starts doing what he's not supposed to I just freeze. He wants me to keep playing so he usually stops whatever he's doing and says "I'll make good choices Mommy, I promise". It's never "I'll be good" or "I'll stop being bad". And we/he will say "good job" for specific tasks - "Mommy, I did a good job helping with dinner?" for example.

pixieprincss · April 2011

I have worked with kids for many years and--like you-- find "good boy", "good girl" to not sit well with me. I try to point out something with the action or choice instead. But, I do think there is something to be said for not over-praising using "good" in general. The book Nurture Shock talks about this. Not every little thing needs to be qualified as good because that by default qualifies things not brought up as "good" as being "bad". If I remember the book correctly...giving specific feedback without qualifying at all seems to be even more productive (thank you for listening vs. good listening, smile when your child comes to you rather than saying good job coming to me).

brideofaussie · April 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:

What do you think about saying "Sweet boys don't hit their Mommies" That's the same as calling him "bad" when he hits, isn't it???

Well it's saying he's not sweet when he hits. Which he isn't technically but I'm guessing that's not the message you want to convey.

My mom used to say, 'Nice little girls don't do that." Of course when I got old enough to truly understand I simply replied, "Well then I guess I'm not a nice little girl." I mean, it's a REALLY b!tchy thing to say 1. And 2 I think it stressed too much on being NICE. "Nice girls" don't tend to get very far in life and I'm paying for it now. Of course it's a bit different for a boy but that whole sentiment still bugs me.

when DS hits me I simply say, "You do not hit mommy." I don't know if it's the best thing to say but it's my way of communicating that his behavior is unacceptable. Full stop. But it's usually followed up with, "DS, tell me what is wrong. Tell me." Because he usually hits b/c he's frustrated or upset about something.

erinkate23 · April 2011

We try to be more descriptive than good or bad.

I say "thank you" a lot when he does something nice/helpful. I probably say thank you to him 20x a day!

So, like, "wow, you are having fun with those crayons!" or "thank you for helping mommy load the dishwasher; I love it when you help me", or "Cool - you put your shirt on all by yourself!"