Resigned and indifferent... (warning- long)

Kimmyis · April 2011

I was always in the never wanted kids camp. Last summer my husband and I went through a really difficult time to say the least. After the dust settled, more than anything I wanted us to be a family. Knowing he always someday wanted kids I said better now than later and we started trying. It took nearly six months and when I did get pregnant it was a total shock, especially since I was used to it not working.

I have always been fiercely independent and in control of my life. Pregnancy is the opposite of this. I have had non stop nausea (well I had a week and half respite that ended on Tuesday), am gaining weight at a break neck pace (I was GORGEOUS before getting pregnant- in shape and thin), I have the worst acne everywhere, and am an emotional wreck 24/7. Nothing is how I anticipated it being and I hate hate hate it. This is without a doubt the worst experience of my life.

We are planning a home birth, both my husband and I think it is the best route for us. My midwife is amazing but thinks I am not coping well (I know I am not) and wants to sort out how to make things better. I honestly couldn't care less. It is what it is, it is hell, and I doubt much will change that. Eventually the critter will get here and this awful part will be over.

So I have become resigned and indifferent. I bought a tiny little hat for the critter when I was about 7 weeks. I am avid couponer and picked up some diapers and johnson and johnson baby bath products super cheap. Other than that we have done nothing and I am a whole lot less than motivated. I have got to be the only pregnant woman more than halfway there without a onesie to be found in the house. I have no nursery to set up as we live in a one bedroom house and the critter will be in a co-sleeper.

Still have not had an ultrasound. Am working on getting that scheduled but after the clinic screwed up and lost out appointment I am not motivated to get one done. The only reason I am still trying to get one scheduled is because my husband wants one.

More than anything I feel sorry for my poor husband. He is the most amazing person in the world and I wish I was excited and happy about this like he is. He deserves so much more than a cranky, depressed, hormonal wife.

Sorry for the vent. I have no pregnant friends or even friends with kids. We are the first in our circle of friends. Not looking for responses. Just getting out feels better... sorta...

natkay02 · April 2011

Wow, I am really sorry you feel this way. I know you don't want responses, but I hope seeing the baby on the ultrasound helps you feel connected to your "critter." It's perfectly okay not to love being pregnant, it isn't a walk in the park. It's easier for some and harder on others. I'm sorry its been so hard on you. The best you can do is try to be as healthy as possible for your baby. You don't have to have onesies yet, that is okay. You have plenty of time. After these few short months, you'll have a beautiful baby, and you can get back your former gorgeousness. Although I have a feeling the moment you see him/her that won't be as important to you as it is right now. You can hang around here and you might want to reach out to other expecting mothers in your area.

Good luck.

LAHN · April 2011

Does it help to know that I've known someone similar to you? Her husband did all the prep and planning for baby's arrival, she cried and was depressed most of the nine months, etc. It all ended fine and she is a great mom. Even went on to have a second!

So don't get to down on yourself...it will all end up being worth it.

beazbadazme2 · April 2011

Pregnancy is a shock for most. I mean especially your first time because you have NO CLUE of what is about to take place. Most women don't tell you the real unglamor part of pregnancy. How your body isn't yours literally, you eat what the baby wants if it wants it, you try and sleep the best you can if you can, and you have stuff oozing out of every orafice on your body. Alot of which you don't know until it happens to you because women aren't all that candid.

I think that it is perfectly normal for you to feel unbonded at this point in pregnancy. It hasn't been a super good experience for you yet, you probably haven't even felt the baby that much, if at all. I think an ultrasound may do you some good. You can see your baby in there maybe find out what sex it is and it will make it more of a reality that you have a little life you are sacrificing your body, looks, emotions and everything else for.

Also, I know someone that was like you who never really wanted kids but one day SURPRISE. She now wouldn't change it for the world because he is her WORLD and she just recently had her 2nd, a little girl.

You can PM any of us that already have kids if you want to talk privately.

julygal · April 2011

It sounds like you have had a difficult pregnancy. It is OK to feel a little disconnected, especially if you are still feeling sick, not feeling much baby movement, etc. Perhaps forcing yourself to get some stuff done will help you feel more connected. Make yourself call and get an u/s appt. Many parents feel like things sink in once they see the baby on u/s. It might also help you feel like you have accomplished something and be the trigger to move you out of the "rut." Go shopping with your DH and pick out a few items. If these feelings continue then I really agree with a PP that you should talk to someone about therapy or medicine to help you cope with these feelings.

BlueEyedBoyMeetsABrownEyedGirl · April 2011

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I know that not all parts of pregnancy are glamourous and glow-y, like the magazine covers make it look. Not having started the nursery and not having onsies all over the place is fine - I don't have a lot done, either. But to me, and forgive me because I say this without trying to seem judgy, is it possible that you're still dealing with your insecurities about actually having a child? But perhaps you should talk to someone objective (i.e. a therapist, or a clergy member, or whomever you'd trust) about what you're feeling. It would be so much better to try to resolve your feelings RE: the upcoming arrival of your LO, before he/she is actually here.

And IMO Dads and Moms deal with the excitment/anticipation of having a baby differently, and at different paces, so try not to feel bad that *at this moment* your DH is more excited than you are. But what you don't want is for the LO to arrive and for him to feel like he's in it alone, and for your feelings of indifference to compound. So, again, not judging you in the least - I would just recommend you sort out your feelings about impending motherhood and all that will mean in terms of changes in your life. Or, of course, as a couple PPs have said, you could see your LO on the ultrasound and - voila - that's your moment. Best of luck.

Tulips114 · April 2011

BlueEyedBoyMeetsABrownEyedGirl:

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I know that not all parts of pregnancy are glamourous and glow-y, like the magazine covers make it look. Not having started the nursery and not having onsies all over the place is fine - I don't have a lot done, either. But to me, and forgive me because I say this without trying to seem judgy, is it possible that you're still dealing with your insecurities about actually having a child? But perhaps you should talk to someone objective (i.e. a therapist, or a clergy member, or whomever you'd trust) about what you're feeling. It would be so much better to try to resolve your feelings RE: the upcoming arrival of your LO, before he/she is actually here.

And IMO Dads and Moms deal with the excitment/anticipation of having a baby differently, and at different paces, so try not to feel bad that *at this moment* your DH is more excited than you are. But what you don't want is for the LO to arrive and for him to feel like he's in it alone, and for your feelings of indifference to compound. So, again, not judging you in the least - I would just recommend you sort out your feelings about impending motherhood and all that will mean in terms of changes in your life. Or, of course, as a couple PPs have said, you could see your LO on the ultrasound and - voila - that's your moment. Best of luck.

I agree with all of this.

Although I do have some things people have given me, I also have not made one purchase for the baby. Haven't started the nursery, or picked a name.

I work hard to maintain a weight that I am happy with, and the weight gain for me is very hard to deal with. I very much worry that I won't get back to what I was before and it does make me sad. I'm just holding out hope that once this baby is here, it will be worth it no matter what happens.

Good luck to you!

Jo&Matt6609 · April 2011

ExpectantSteelerFan:

Ok, when I opened this post, 80 people had viewed this post and no one had responded yet. So I will. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I'm guessing the reason no one else has responded yet is because it is difficult to relate. I won't speak for everyone, but in my experience, even on the days when I absolutely HATE being pregnant and can't wait to be done, the excitement of having a baby is still there and something to look forward to.

Honestly, I'm sorry, but this just doesn't sound normal, and I'd talk to an OB or a specialist about depression as soon as possible. If it's this bad right now, chances are it's going to get worse post partum. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby!

I agree with ExpectantSteelerFan. I am so sorry you're in such a bad place right now, and I have no idea what to sayor how to make you feel better because I can't relate. However, I do feel for you, and I honestly think that you should look into getting some counseling, or at least talking to your OB. I agree that if you're feeling this bad and down now, it may get worst post partum due to a change in hormones, and being overwhelmed with a newborn. And please get to an OB doctor soon - if not to make sure the baby is healthy, then to also make sure you're healthy (blood pressure, blood sugars, etc).

brit072206 · April 2011

Jo&Matt6609:
ExpectantSteelerFan:

Ok, when I opened this post, 80 people had viewed this post and no one had responded yet. So I will. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I'm guessing the reason no one else has responded yet is because it is difficult to relate. I won't speak for everyone, but in my experience, even on the days when I absolutely HATE being pregnant and can't wait to be done, the excitement of having a baby is still there and something to look forward to.

Honestly, I'm sorry, but this just doesn't sound normal, and I'd talk to an OB or a specialist about depression as soon as possible. If it's this bad right now, chances are it's going to get worse post partum. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby!

I agree with ExpectantSteelerFan. I am so sorry you're in such a bad place right now, and I have no idea what to sayor how to make you feel better because I can't relate. However, I do feel for you, and I honestly think that you should look into getting some counseling, or at least talking to your OB. I agree that if you're feeling this bad and down now, it may get worst post partum due to a change in hormones, and being overwhelmed with a newborn. And please get to an OB doctor soon - if not to make sure the baby is healthy, then to also make sure you're healthy (blood pressure, blood sugars, etc).

I agree with these ladies. Don't be afraid to seek some help/support. I hear that the first few months can be rough with getting adjusted to the LO, so if you're seeing some red flag feelings now, I think it would be best to start seeking help soon.

lmjt · April 2011

Anyone here who knows me knows that I am not the antagonist type, but I must say that it concerns me that the OP does not seem to even WANT this baby. I despise pregnancy and all of the bodily changes and discomfort that come with it, but the fact of the matter is that I REALLY TRULY WANT what comes at the end. I can't imagine that anyone can adjust to the life that follows childbirth when they don't seem to want the child anyway. I cook something I don't like or see a movie that annoys me because its what my DH wants, but I don't make babies unless we both want them, KWIM?

I think the OP needs help to figure out how she's going to deal with her life, as well as her body, no longer belonging to her before the baby arrives. I'm sorry to say that raising a child is not always rainbows and puppies, and if you think pregnancy is bad, wait until your life doesn't belong only to you anymore.

I truly hope you find the help you need, your baby deserves it. I apologize if any of this came off snarky or rude, not my intention.

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