Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

*:* Morning Confessions *:*

come on in, Ladies. Let it out. What is on your mind today?

My heart is as open as the sky.
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2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


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Re: *:* Morning Confessions *:*

  • I'm really getting nervous about Mother's Day! I didn't expect to feel as resentful as I already do.

    My heart is as open as the sky.
    Read about it on the blog

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.


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  • I'm going to assume these confessions are flame free, so I'm going to be totally honest...it p!sses me off when people mourn their "surprise babies", babies they didn't even initially want (I know of at least one individual in the second group), and babies they knew were there for only a few days.  My DH and I faced multiple medical problems when TTC, tried unsuccessfully for quite a while, ultimately needed assistance to get pregnant, had two normal ultrasounds with healthy heartbeats, and then miscarried anyway.  We WANTED our baby, we TRIED for our baby, we SAW our baby, and we lost our baby.  Somehow it seems like our grief should trump the grief of those who didn't even want or try to get their babies.  These feelings are of course completely insensitive, selfish, and without merit, but this is the only forum where I feel comfortable venting these feelings.  Needless to say, I'm in the anger phase of grief right now and everything just seems unfair to me.  I really am a nice, considerate person, I'm just having a very rough week. 
    m/c at 6 wks 2002
    Endometriosis, s/p lap 2009
    Behcet's disease, s/p partial vulvectomy 2010
    Started bromocriptine to lower prolactin level 2010
    Clear HSG 11/2010 :)
    DH morphology = 4, rest of SA looked good 01/2011
    02/2011 First Clomid 50mg cycle
    BFP 03/02/2011
    No heartbeat at 10w5d 04/18/2011; D&C 04/23/2011
    07/2011 Second Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
    08/2011 Third Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
    10/2011 First Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
    11/2011 Second Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
    12/2011 Third Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFFN
    01/2012 Fourth Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = ?
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I'll go. I, too, am in the "anger" stage of my grief. Well, really mine changes quite frequently, but at this moment in time I just hate the world. DH has a very good friend from his Army days who was a groomsman in our wedding and who I happen to like very much (under normal circumstances, anyway). When I announced that I was pregnant, he told us that his girlfriend (who I also happen to like) was also pregnant, a few weeks ahead of me. They weren't trying and obviously aren't married. So, on top of having to constantly see her updates via Facebook, about the baby, they are now engaged. Not so sure why I care being as I'm already married, but seeing her post the ring last night was like another knife through my heart. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I didn't have to get KUed to be proposed to. I feel like a HUGE jerk for even thinking that! AND her ring is pretty much identical to mine. UGH.

  • image1220winterbride:
    I'm really getting nervous about Mother's Day! I didn't expect to feel as resentful as I already do.

    Me too. I don't feel resentful about it (not yet or currently, anyway) but I'm just so nervous that it's going to be another heart wrenching day for me. I asked my husband yesterday, "Am I a mother for Mother's day this year?" Crying He said "Of course you are."

    I'm secretly hoping that he does something to acknowledge the day, although I know my husband isn't very sentimental like that. A little flower would be nice, something small.

     


    BFP 2.19.11 - Missed miscarriage, April 2011
  • image1220winterbride:
    I'm really getting nervous about Mother's Day! I didn't expect to feel as resentful as I already do.

    This.

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  • image1220winterbride:
    I'm really getting nervous about Mother's Day! I didn't expect to feel as resentful as I already do.

    Oh my goodness, this. I work at a department store part time for extra cash, and they are gearing up for mother's day. It is like I am constantly bombarded. And I have no one to celebrate with this year. I lost the two things I could celebrate with in the matter of a month: my mom and my baby. Like...I'm not going to be a mother anymore , and I don't have a mother anymore. My brother and I are just going to drive to my mother's grave on the actual mother's day Sunday. I can't imagine not sobbing all day.

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  • I can't stop looking at where I would be in my pregnancy if I hadn't miscarried. It makes me feel so empty. I would almost be out of my first trimester, I can't imagine what that feels like. I look at the sites where it tells you what the pregnant woman should feel like and what the baby looks like. I can't believe how much my baby would have grown in 5 or 6 weeks. I wish so much that the baby hadn't stopped growing. I wish one day I will be able to know what it feels like to be 12 weeks pregnant. or 26 weeks pregnant. or 40 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I even try to bargain. Like..if I could have just had more time. If the baby stopped growing at 11 weeks instead of 6, I would have had more time with my baby. That is the most horrible, horrible thing, I know, and I do not mean to offend anyone, I don't. But it's the thoughts that come into my head. I know I do not want to know what a later term pregnancy loss feels like. I just want my baby back.
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  • I have the most amazing best friend in the world. She's insanely loyal and just the kindest person I know...but I am so jealous of her and her pregnancy with her second LO that I have been hiding from her. I feel like an awful friend but I just cant face her..or her bump. Embarrassed
    MC 4/09 at 6w2d 
    Rainbow Jude 
    born: 12/31/09
    Pre-E Induction at 36w4d
    11 Day NICU stay due to GBS infection

    TTC#2 10/2010
    M/C: 4/09/11 5w
    CP: 12/26/2011 
    CP: 1/28/2012 
    MMC: 4/16/2012 at 11w2d 
    Ectopic: 6/25/2012 MTX 07/03/12
    CP 11/24/2012 
    Rainbow Violet 
    born: 9/11/13

    All ALers welcome! 
  • I pretty much cried all day yesterday.  I thought I was doing really well with everything, and then yesterday everything depressed me.  I was also quite witchy to my DH last night when all he was trying to do was help.  Now I feel guilty...
    Pg#1- Benjamin born 2/22/10
    Pg#2 BFP 11/2010... chemical pregnancy late 11/2010
    Pg#3 BFP 02/2011...missed m/c 3/2011
    Pg#4 Adalynne born 5/12/12
    Pg#5 BFP 12/2012....chemical pregnancy 1/2012
    Pg#6 BFP 11/14/12....chemical pregnancy 11/2012
    Pg#7 BFP 2/3/14... loss after a heartbeat and D&C 3/2014
    Pg#8 BFP 9/1/15...waiting to see!


  • imageKZ2010:
    I'm going to assume these confessions are flame free, so I'm going to be totally honest...it p!sses me off when people mourn their "surprise babies", babies they didn't even initially want (I know of at least one individual in the second group), and babies they knew were there for only a few days.  My DH and I faced multiple medical problems when TTC, tried unsuccessfully for quite a while, ultimately needed assistance to get pregnant, had two normal ultrasounds with healthy heartbeats, and then miscarried anyway.  We WANTED our baby, we TRIED for our baby, we SAW our baby, and we lost our baby.  Somehow it seems like our grief should trump the grief of those who didn't even want or try to get their babies.  These feelings are of course completely insensitive, selfish, and without merit, but this is the only forum where I feel comfortable venting these feelings.  Needless to say, I'm in the anger phase of grief right now and everything just seems unfair to me.  I really am a nice, considerate person, I'm just having a very rough week. 

     

    I get this. I lost a surprise baby, and I get your feelings. They are totally acceptable feelings to have, I know I have had such a wide range of feelings since my miscarriage, and you can be angry. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your honesty, and I am so glad you posted here, even though it might have upset some people. I was a little taken a back at first, because my baby was not planned, but if that is where your grief is taking you then let it, and I realized you were in no way attacking people in my situation, but letting your grief manifest. I'm happy that we have this place where we can share feelings we are maybe too afraid to say out loud in our real lives.

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  • image1220winterbride:
    I'm really getting nervous about Mother's Day! I didn't expect to feel as resentful as I already do.

     

    There's my confession!

    smaller alaska pic Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I am dreading Mothers Day as well - it was the day we were going to share the news with our families. My birthday is a few days after Mothers Day, so I know it will be an emotionally draining week.

    I feel like I am less fragile when the topic of pregnancy/babies come up, but I also feel that it gets bottled up and then I cry at the most random moments...

    TTC since November 2010
    BFP: March 22, 2011 M/C: April 8, 2011 @ 7 weeks
    BFP: June 29, 2011!!! Crossing my fingers for a sticky baby :)
    LO Born early March 2012 We are so blessed image
  • tried to call to make an appt. for D&C as I am still waiting for my body to figure out that I am miscarrying. and bitchy receptionist said"Well we don't just schedule a d&c, did you talk to the doctor"? of course i freaking talked to the %$& doctor do you think i am just calling to do this for the $%^& hell of it!! so angry. and to make matters worse, the universe continues to throw salt in the wounds- as i hang up almost as if on a cruel cue i see the following 1. a huge pregnant woman walk  2. i see a tiny little random baby sock on the floor and 3. a huge sign for mothers day sale at carols daughter... cried the whole way back to work.
  • imageKZ2010:
    I'm going to assume these confessions are flame free, so I'm going to be totally honest...it p!sses me off when people mourn their "surprise babies", babies they didn't even initially want (I know of at least one individual in the second group), and babies they knew were there for only a few days.  My DH and I faced multiple medical problems when TTC, tried unsuccessfully for quite a while, ultimately needed assistance to get pregnant, had two normal ultrasounds with healthy heartbeats, and then miscarried anyway.  We WANTED our baby, we TRIED for our baby, we SAW our baby, and we lost our baby.  Somehow it seems like our grief should trump the grief of those who didn't even want or try to get their babies.  These feelings are of course completely insensitive, selfish, and without merit, but this is the only forum where I feel comfortable venting these feelings.  Needless to say, I'm in the anger phase of grief right now and everything just seems unfair to me.  I really am a nice, considerate person, I'm just having a very rough week. 

     

     

    I'm sorry my mouring PISSES you off.  Crying Well right back atcha.

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  • imageKZ2010:
    I'm going to assume these confessions are flame free, so I'm going to be totally honest...it p!sses me off when people mourn their "surprise babies", babies they didn't even initially want (I know of at least one individual in the second group), and babies they knew were there for only a few days.  My DH and I faced multiple medical problems when TTC, tried unsuccessfully for quite a while, ultimately needed assistance to get pregnant, had two normal ultrasounds with healthy heartbeats, and then miscarried anyway.  We WANTED our baby, we TRIED for our baby, we SAW our baby, and we lost our baby.  Somehow it seems like our grief should trump the grief of those who didn't even want or try to get their babies.  These feelings are of course completely insensitive, selfish, and without merit, but this is the only forum where I feel comfortable venting these feelings.  Needless to say, I'm in the anger phase of grief right now and everything just seems unfair to me.  I really am a nice, considerate person, I'm just having a very rough week. 

    I'm not going to flame, but I really can't stop thinking about this.  Here is what has been in my head and I just wanted to share to maybe put it in perspective.  I was a surprise.  My parents had a 14, 13, and 9 year old and used natural family planning.  My mom was on antibiotics and miscalculated and ended up with me.  If I would die tomorrow, is my mom not supposed to mourn me?  Is my dad not supposed to be sad?  Because they didn't want me?

    I understand that you have these feelings and I'm glad you are getting them out, but I hope that it was just anger talking and not how you really feel.

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  • imagePenelopeLaneMorrisey:

    I get this. I lost a surprise baby, and I get your feelings. They are totally acceptable feelings to have, I know I have had such a wide range of feelings since my miscarriage, and you can be angry. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your honesty, and I am so glad you posted here, even though it might have upset some people. I was a little taken a back at first, because my baby was not planned, but if that is where your grief is taking you then let it, and I realized you were in no way attacking people in my situation, but letting your grief manifest. I'm happy that we have this place where we can share feelings we are maybe too afraid to say out loud in our real lives.

    Penelope, thank you for understanding the point I was trying to make and thank you for having such a gracious understanding of the grieving process.  I appreciate your words of support.  I too am glad that this forum exists...I have found it to be very helpful and I'm glad you have as well.  I'm very sorry for your loss.

    m/c at 6 wks 2002
    Endometriosis, s/p lap 2009
    Behcet's disease, s/p partial vulvectomy 2010
    Started bromocriptine to lower prolactin level 2010
    Clear HSG 11/2010 :)
    DH morphology = 4, rest of SA looked good 01/2011
    02/2011 First Clomid 50mg cycle
    BFP 03/02/2011
    No heartbeat at 10w5d 04/18/2011; D&C 04/23/2011
    07/2011 Second Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
    08/2011 Third Clomid 50mg cycle, BFN
    10/2011 First Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
    11/2011 Second Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFN
    12/2011 Third Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = BFFN
    01/2012 Fourth Clomid 100mg cycle with Ovidrel trigger = ?
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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