Worried and DH and baby...

sarahanderic2009 · April 2011

I have 2 concerns.

1) DH has held 1 baby in his life and that was for like 2 minutes. He has never EVER been around an infant without me. He has no idea WTH he will be doing and I'm not very confident that he will be able to handle it. You should see the look on his face when someone asks us a question about parenting or baby care, he looks like you asked him to decode a bomb. It cracks me up every single time, I know I shouldn't laugh but what else is there to say or do?

2) I'm scared that DH isn't bonding with LO and won't when she gets here. I asked him to read to her the other night and he had the same look on his face (decoding a bomb face). I wanted to cry, why won't you read to your child? I guess it makes him uncomfortable since he would be talking to my belly. He's not in tune with his emotions what so ever, so I fear that he won't connect with her when she is born because he hasn't attempted to thus far.

ANYONE ELSE? and for experienced moms, am I validated in my fears?

dairygirl19 · April 2011

1) I wouldn't be too worried. Most of baby care is instinct. Once LO gets here he'll probably be fine. Most guys, My H included aren't all well researched on diapers, bottles, pacis, bags, cribs etc. but they know what do with them. I highly doubt he'd do anything harmful to your LO so let him do it his way as it comes.

2) Meh. Most guys don't bond with LOs until arrival. Honestly, I'm kind of that way. I'm not really into bonding with baby now either. Fine for other people but reading to my baby now for example makes ME feel weird. H feels for the occasional kick but that's about all. My H is also pretty unemotional but I have no doubt he'll love his child and no what to do.

Noelle2375 · April 2011

It is harder for men to become attached to a baby before it is here. For us, our body changes and we can feel the baby move so we have that connection. My DH was the same way with DD. Trust me, once your LO is born, your DH will be totally in love. My DH was the same way with babies too. He did not like holding anyone else's baby, etc but he had no issue holding DD when she was here.

Melissa17 · April 2011

He will stumble through it, but you have to let him. It may be hard to watch your husband (or anyone) hold your baby because "it isn't the way you do it" and therefore it is wrong. He will do fine.

As for bonding, it will take time. The baby has been a part of you for the past 10 months and so you have different feeligngs than he does. Even when the baby is born, he will love it, but it may take more time. Some times dads do not a connection until the baby can interact more (smile, react to him, whatever).

All normal fears. You will get through them Yes

KtGirl88 · April 2011

A lot of men dont bond with the baby until it is born. It is WAAAY different when you are a woman who feels the change and can feel the baby moving inside of you. A man really doesnt have much to bond with until he see's the baby (although some men are different)

I wouldnt laugh at him for being clueless because he will be scared to ask questions. Also, I think its pretty ridiculous that you are almost crying because he "wont read to your child" when she isn't even here yet. Its a weird thing to ask of your husband.

Kristen61607 · April 2011

1) Ok I have about the same experience as your DH when it comes to babies and I'm having twins. If anyone should be nervous its me, lol! I just keep counting on "instinct" kicking in!

2) bonding with baby is different for men then women. Heck, even I feel weird talking to my stomach! I doubt DH would talk to it! I think that bonding starts (for dad's) once that baby is in his arms!

CocoBrynne · April 2011

I'd try not to worry too much, my DH isn't used to babies either, but little kids seem to love him (probably bc he acts like he's one of them lol). I think once these LO's hit the scene they will be total putty in their hands.

My DH talks to my belly sometimes, but I cannot in a million yrs picture him in a million yrs reading a story to my bump, I think I'd crack up myself actually. LO hears our voices the most and then DH's so I'm sure she will know who her daddy is when she is born and they will have no problem bonding.

goteamgo · April 2011

1. It is different when it is your own baby, so neither of you will be experts regardless of how many babies you've each held for however long. You have to learn as you go, together. Let him figure it out, but give him advice when he asks for it or if you have discovered something wondrous that helps the baby stop crying.

2. This is super common. How is he supposed to bond with a baby he's not carrying? The bonding will come over time for him, once the baby is born.

I hadn't held a lot of babies (and neither had my sister before her 1st- not for at least ten years, anyway) and it didn't matter. I figured it out and I'm a good Mom.

Kristin131 · April 2011

Don't worry about it. While DH helped care for DS when he was born, I know for a fact that he certainly didn't feel a "connection" until DS started smiling and interacting. It's hard for the guys when all LO wants is to sleep and your boob. Try not to get discouraged as it may only add unecessary tension between you and SO on top of the overwhelmed feelings you both have (I'm speaking from experience here).

Sparla1027 · April 2011

My husband as literally never help an infant in his life. He has not been around a lot of babies in his life... he has certainly NEVER changed a diaper either. It has made me sad sometimes too that DH has not bonded much with LO- I don't think he knows how to! I know he is going to be thrilled when LO arrive- my nephew has him wrapped around his finger! I joke he'll leave me for the baby after LO is born! I understand you fears, but don't worry too much! Men just deal with things differently!

pettycrocker · April 2011

Im more worried for myself than H, he was a huge part of raising all his baby nieces and nephews..(too many for me to even remember lol) So he is totally excited about feedings, and even poopie diapers! God bless him.

In the meantime I'm totally freaking out that the baby will come home and I will have absolutely no idea what to do and be completely frazzled and run-a-muck.

eep.

WestieMama · April 2011

DH was the exact same way and he is great with DS! To be honest, he was just very apprehensive about doing everything right. I kind of had to arrange time for them to be alone (I would make quick trips to Target, etc) so he could bond with baby without the pressure of me looking over his shoulder. He will become more confident with time!

Tikat · April 2011

The whole bonding before baby is born takes the extend of my husband rubbing my belly in passing...once our LO was born though he took over and has also not had any infant experience...Just wait and see! The most incapable creatures turn into big mushballs that adore their daughters and love talking about the consistency of their stools!

FutureMrsWittig · April 2011

I have the same fear that H is not and will not bond with baby... Sad I think my fear comes from knowing how much he wanted a little boy.

And at first I was all confident that DH would be able to take care of baby just fine, seeing as he has an 8 year old already and she lived. lol. But now I know exactly how much of the "parenting" his mom did for him... and I'm concerned. I don't want him calling her over when I'm not around, because I don't really like her. Plus I'm a control freak... lol.

Holding my breath til we get there. We'll get through it.

FyshWyfe · April 2011

Try not to worry. DH will bond with baby once she gets here, truly. You bond with LO b/c you feel her kicking all day long and it's in your nature. To him it's very surreal. Once she gets here, though, and wraps her fingers around his little finger and coos at him, he'll be all hers.

Also, you'll both have to get the hang of things, like diaper changes and feedings, and get much more efficient at them as you go along. DH is the slowest, most deliberate diaper changer I've ever seen, and it drove me crazy at first, but eventually I just got over it. As long as he's wiping butts, I don't care.

JessandIgli · April 2011

Try not to worry. I have the same fears with DH but I think parenting comes by instinct. When I go back to work, DH will be watching LO three times a week since he works the night shift. Am I terrified? Yes. But he'll get the hang of it and I have a few months to train him. DH loves feeling my belly but when I tell him to talk to DD, he feels stupid talking to a belly and won't do it. I'm sure he'll bond with her once she's here.

MattnJax · April 2011

My husband has a hard time connecting with LO while baby is still in my belly. It isn't as real to him as it is to me. He doesn't talk to the baby, and he never puts his hand on my belly just because. The thing is, once the baby is here, he is the best dad. He is very hands on, to the point that he plays barbies with our daughter...that is love. Smile

I wouldn't worry about it too much until you need to. If it is really bothering you, maybe mention to him that it would be a nice gesture to try and connect a little more with LO before she gets here.

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