Can I Get Your Opinions?

patchen30 · April 2011

Warning: This post is about how to tell my IF friend I'm KU...I hope it's OK to post this here. If you're having a cr*p day please ignore...I just know that you ladies get it more than anyone else when it comes to what you would and wouldn't want to hear in this situation.

Background is we've been friends for a looong time, but we've never had a share-our-deepest-secrets friendship. DH and I are in the closet, except to our share-our-deepest-secrets types of friends, and DH is adamant I not tell this friend about the details of our IF b/c she won't understand the privacy factor. I have to respect his wishes. This friend of mine has been dealing w/ IF for a little over a year, has MFI and has been doing IUIs.

I don't feel like I can tell this friend w/o sharing something about our journey...and DH agreed he was fine w/ me being general. Does this email sound OK? I want to convey empathy and that I "get it", w/o going into the gory details. Do you think I can do both at the same time?

Here it is:

Hey S,

I just wanted to send you this email - apart from the group b/c I know how old the group onslaught gets - to let you know that I'm pregnant.

I'm telling you seperately b/c I know from experience how much it hurts to hear those pregnancy announcements. If it doesn't hurt you, you're a better woman than I. C is a lot more private than I am and I need to respect his wishes so we've agreed to keep the details of our struggles to ourselves - but believe me, it has been a struggle to get here, including surgery for endo, a miscarriage, and many, many thousands of tears over many, many years.

If you ever want to talk, I am all ears, and I will understand more than you think. I love you, and I hope this doesn't hurt you. I'm crying as I write this! I know 100% that things are going to work out for you soon, you just have to hang in there.

Love,

J

STL34 · April 2011

I would appreciate an email like yours. The only thing that would bother me as an IFer that hasn't found success is your last sentence. If someone could know 100% that things would work out, I would be very happy. The problem is that there is a chance that things won't. So, it is actually one of the comments that really bothers me.

illinigal · April 2011

I agree with STL. Overall, great message. However, the 100% comment bothers me because you don't know she'll have success.

cookie_queen · April 2011

STL34:
I would appreciate an email like yours. The only thing that would bother me as an IFer that hasn't found success is your last sentence. If someone could know 100% that things would work out, I would be very happy. The problem is that there is a chance that things won't. So, it is actually one of the comments that really bothers me.

This.

It's a nice email though.

vanessagorc · April 2011

cookie_queen:

STL34:
I would appreciate an email like yours. The only thing that would bother me as an IFer that hasn't found success is your last sentence. If someone could know 100% that things would work out, I would be very happy. The problem is that there is a chance that things won't. So, it is actually one of the comments that really bothers me.

This.

It's a nice email though.

ditto this

Edwina.McDunnough · April 2011

In all honesty, I'd kill the list of your struggles, it sounds like you're justifying your IFness or that you paid your dues and earned this pregnancy. I really don't think you mean that, at all.

And ditto about knowing 100% that things are going to work out. You actually don't. And I'd avoid the word "just" because it minimizes her efforts.

Otherwise you've made it clear that you're there for her and it is a kind and considerate note.

If you don't agree with me that's fine, just my .02 if your friend is feeling prickly like me. Embarrassed

patchen30 · April 2011

STL34:
I would appreciate an email like yours. The only thing that would bother me as an IFer that hasn't found success is your last sentence. If someone could know 100% that things would work out, I would be very happy. The problem is that there is a chance that things won't. So, it is actually one of the comments that really bothers me.

Well, I guess it depends on how you define success. Do I know 100% that she'll get pg? No. Do I know 100% that she'll come up with some solution that will bring her peace in happiness in life? Yes. Because I know her, and I know she's determined to be a mom one way or another. That's what I was thinking when I wrote that. But I get how it could come off...I'll change that sentance a bit. I also don't want it to sound condescending.

Edwina.McDunnough · April 2011

patchen30:

Well, I guess it depends on how you define success. Do I know 100% that she'll get pg? No. Do I know 100% that she'll come up with some solution that will bring her peace in happiness in life? Yes. Because I know her, and I know she's determined to be a mom one way or another. That's what I was thinking when I wrote that. But I get how it could come off...I'll change that sentance a bit. I also don't want it to sound condescending.

I think you just wrote it.

patchen30 · April 2011

How's this?

Hey S,

I just wanted to send you this email - apart from the group b/c I know how old the group onslaught gets - to let you know that I'm pregnant.

I'm telling you seperately b/c I know from experience how much it hurts to hear those pregnancy announcements. If it doesn't hurt you, you're a better woman than I. C is a lot more private than I am and I need to respect his wishes so we've agreed to keep the details of our struggles to ourselves - but believe me, it has been a struggle to get here, with many, many thousands of tears over many, many years.

If you ever want to talk, I am all ears, and I will understand more than you think. I love you, and I hope this doesn't hurt you. I'm crying as I write this! Hang in there.

Love,

J

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