Family thinks I'm nuts

aaliyah88 · April 2011

I told everyone I'm pregnant yesterday. They asked me which hospital I'm going to, and I said none. They said "you're not doing a HB are you?" I said "yes I am." That's when a family member blurted out "You're nuts!" They all disagree with my decision and feel I should be in a hospital in case something goes wrong with the baby. I tried to explain to them everything I have learned and that problems rarely occur (esp. for me since I'm 23, healthy, and this is my first child). It was hopeless. Anyone else been in this situation?

checkrdtop · April 2011

Yes, we've only told my BF's mother so far and she said to us that midwifes do not know what they are doing and that I, the baby, or both of us will end up dead. She told us not to tell my BF's step-father because he will flip out as he is a retired EMT and Fire Fighter and has seen first hand the dangers of birthing centers.

KateLouise · April 2011

We haven't been in this situtaion exactly because a home birth isn't something I would consider for myself but my dad did once say (I have no idea how it came up in conversation) that if I ever had a homebirth and something happened to me or the baby, not to come crying to him because it would be my own fault.

So I can only imagine what would have gone down if I'd ever said I was having a homebirth.

I'm sure it was a bit frustrating being met with that level of negativity, and you know your faamily well enough to know if they'll be open to being educated on the matter.

If you think they might be willing to learn then maybe get armed with some quick facts and sound bites that you can reel off, and lead into more in depth conversations.

If you don't think they'll ever accept it, then come up with a line or two that shuts down any future conversations where they try to be negative or to change your mind.

At the end of the day you don't need their agreement, as long as you are happy with your decision.

aaliyah88 · April 2011

checkrdtop:
Yes, we've only told my BF's mother so far and she said to us that midwifes do not know what they are doing and that I, the baby, or both of us will end up dead. She told us not to tell my BF's step-father because he will flip out as he is a retired EMT and Fire Fighter and has seen first hand the dangers of birthing centers.

My MIL asked if the MW went to medical school and I said that she went to midwifery school and that she is not a dr. A MW is trained on just delivering babies and handling situations that may occur wile drs. have been trained in many areas. She said I need a dr. to deliver the baby and that using a MW is scary to her and ridiculous. I offered her my information packet with all of the "What if?" questions, but she didn't want to read it.

aaliyah88 · April 2011

whenyouseesparks:
Is your husband on board? That's all that matters.
Less than 1% of births in America are planned home births. It is outside of the mainstream so it should be no surprise that most people react to the idea with less than enthusiasm. Some people will see your side if you explain your reasoning, but most won't. So my advice is to stop seeking outside approval. Make your decision with your husband and leave it at that. It's not your job to educate everyone or to please everyone-- it's a waste of energy and will probably leave you feeling frustrated and unsupported. This is the first time your family has disagreed with a parenting decision and it won't be the last. Make a stand now so they don't think they have a say in every little thing down the road.
I told a selected few about our homebirth plans about halfway through my pregnancy. We told the rest of our families closer to the end. I'm sure most of them thought we were crazy or stupid, but no one ever said anything to us because we did not present it as something that was negotiable.

I am a stubborn person also, and I think they know I will not change my mind. I didn't even want to tell them until my 9th month, but they straight out asked me which hospital I was going to and I couldn't lie. My husband was completely against it at first, but now he is more okay with it, although still nervous about it. I do have a friend who had a HB and she will be great support. I just hope all goes perfect during the birth so they can see that it's not really something to be so worried about.

If I may ask, how did your HB go?

wifeofadam · April 2011

Yep. I learned not to talk about it with anyone but the people I knew were 100% supportive. I would answer questions if they came up, but would quickly change the subject if I started getting "lectured".

PhoebeJones3 · April 2011

OP - I recently wrote a similar post.

Though I'm unable to have a HB this time around, which is what I so desperately wanted, we went with a midwife who will deliver in a hospital. This was a surprise baby, so we had no savings, or plans made for it. Next time around we will have it planned out so we are able to do a HB.

https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/52262554.aspx

aaliyah88 · April 2011

whenyouseesparks:
aaliyah88:
whenyouseesparks:
Is your husband on board? That's all that matters.
Less than 1% of births in America are planned home births. It is outside of the mainstream so it should be no surprise that most people react to the idea with less than enthusiasm. Some people will see your side if you explain your reasoning, but most won't. So my advice is to stop seeking outside approval. Make your decision with your husband and leave it at that. It's not your job to educate everyone or to please everyone-- it's a waste of energy and will probably leave you feeling frustrated and unsupported. This is the first time your family has disagreed with a parenting decision and it won't be the last. Make a stand now so they don't think they have a say in every little thing down the road.
I told a selected few about our homebirth plans about halfway through my pregnancy. We told the rest of our families closer to the end. I'm sure most of them thought we were crazy or stupid, but no one ever said anything to us because we did not present it as something that was negotiable.
I am a stubborn person also, and I think they know I will not change my mind. I didn't even want to tell them until my 9th month, but they straight out asked me which hospital I was going to and I couldn't lie. My husband was completely against it at first, but now he is more okay with it, although still nervous about it. I do have a friend who had a HB and she will be great support. I just hope all goes perfect during the birth so they can see that it's not really something to be so worried about.
If I may ask, how did your HB go?
My HB was awesome and I will go for it again next time around. My birth story is here.
We were asked straight up if we had chosen a hospital, and our response was, the closest hospital is "xyz" and then we changed the topic. I didn't get into it because if I did require a transfer, I didn't want to have people say "told ya so." We said something like, we have a great midwife, we're planning a homebirth as long as baby and mama remain healthy, and we have an excellent hospital 10 minutes away if there were a medical emergency that the midwife could not handle... and that was it.
I find that if you offer explanations and information, those that do not have an open mind will ALWAYS find some reason or excuse to argue against it. The way I see it, offering an explanation signals to them that it's a debate to be won. By the time you get to the end of your pregnancy, you will be a master at deflection, vague answers, and changing the subject lol.

Great story! I hope my HB goes this well! I will not bring up the HB topic with family anymore and try to avoid the "where are you having the baby" questions. I am so happy though to have that friend who has had a HB nearby and she is going to be at my birth for support.

missjilly1025 · April 2011

The best thing to do is to stop talking about it you will only stress yourself out. I am planning a HB with my MW and there are plenty of people that think I'm crazy so I don't talk about it anymore. You'll never convince these people that what you are doing is right thing - just like they will never convince you that having a baby with a hospital with a doctor is the right thing.

As for your age it has nothing to do with whether you can birth at home - it's entirely how the pregnancy goes. I'm 33 and a great candidate for a HB and I have a girl friend that had her second at 40 in a HB it all comes down to your health.

BlinkingLight1 · April 2011

((hugs)) I can relate.

I'm not having a HB, but most of my family gasped in horror when I told them I was using a MW and not an OB.

I just choose not to talk to the non supportive ones about it at all.

wnk1029 · April 2011

I had a wonderful homebirth with #1. We did tell people ahead of time if they asked, and had a few people opposed (mostly extended family), but we just let them know that we did our research and truly believe that this is what is best for our family, which usually ended the conversation. This time around, it's a lot easier to let people know that, yes, we are once again birthing at home, and very much looking forward to it, since we had such a great experience.

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