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Infertility Veterans
may2806
member
P/SAIFers - did you ever feel this way?
may2806
member
I'm at the point in my long journey where I'm doubting if anything will ever work for us. It seems like we've hit every roadblock possible and I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. I have this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, 'Face it, you'll never be able to give birth to a baby. You're just kidding yourself.' All I can see is more DE failures and then the hard road of adoption, all of this wasting more years of my life before I finally have a child.
I can't decide if I'm being paranoid and letting my past experience cloud my thinking; or if I really am delusional that having a baby could really happen for me. The doctors seem to think it can but I just keep thinking what if they're wrong.
If you had a long hard road and then success, can you tell me, did you ever feel this way? Because that may indicate that my crazy mind is just working against me, and not that I'm having some sort of premonition/gut instinct that will end up being correct.
Dx: High FSH, stage IV endo, homozygous C677T MTHFR and PAI-1
Early loss 10/08
Lap 1/09
IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
2 frosties but don't know what's next
FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
Early loss 10/08
Lap 1/09
IVF #1 "natural IVF" - 1 egg retrieved, missed m/c
Tried several mini-stim cycles with no response
Switched clinics - dx'd as carrier for Fragile X
IVF #2 MDL protocol Jan/Feb converted to IUI, BFN
IVF #2 take 2: Antagonist, one embie, BFN
IVF #3: Antagonist, no fertilization
One last ditch effort at OE IVF (antagonist with Clomid) cancelled
DE cycle #1 Jan/Feb 2011, BFP, ectopic
DE cycle #2 June/July 2011 - BFP
10/28/11 Baby girl lost at 17 weeks due to pre-term labor. We love and miss you.
DE cycle #3 June/July 2012 - BFP, twins, both heartbeats stopped, D&C
2 frosties but don't know what's next
FET Dec 2012: BFP! Praying this one sticks for the long haul!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: P/SAIFers - did you ever feel this way?
I'm sorry its so hard and I hope things get easier for you. To answer your question, I was positive my BFP FET wouldn't work (and I'm still petrified that it won't stick). I know the success rates were lower than with fresh, and to be 100% honest, we did it because it was paid for and we thought it would help give us closure to use all of our remaining embryos. I was just tired of cycling and the heartbreak and didn't want to keep going. During the cycle, we had the very pointed adoption talk (decided it wasn't for us right now ) and the night before the FET, we were in a hotel room talking about how we'd live our lives childfree if that were the situation we found ourselves in. During the 2ww, I was convinced it was a BFN and was beyond shocked when the nurse told me I was pregnant!
Good luck with this cycle!
I don't think my advice is going to help, because what kept me going is what hasn't worked for you. I always felt that no matter what, I had DE as my backup and the fix to all of my problems. Which is easier said than done, seeing Hollymichael, Marriedasportsnut, and you not get automatic success with DE.
I guess if DE didn't work for us (I actually changed insurance providers this year thinking I would do DE if this last cycle didn't work), I always had adoption on the back table. I wasn't going to ever give up on this journey - that was never, ever an option for me. And luckily, I did find a clinic in my state that does give priority to IF couples and my employer helps with $7,000 towards the expenses. So I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I had options, and that helped me keep the dream alive.
I think it helps having optimistic doctors. Because honestly, they want you to be successful too. If they don't believe you have a chance, most won't waste their time or hurt their stats (I always teased my RE that I wasn't helping his SART stats with failed cycles - but he still believed I had a chance and he knew I needed closure with this last cycle). So that would give me hope.
And honestly, I don't know what made a difference this last cycle - was it my protocol, was it taking DHEA or was it just pure luck that I finally made one decent egg???
Big (((hugs))) to you.
(((hugs))) May. I love that you asked this of the PAIF/SAIFers.
I have not have any success, obviously, but I feel just the way you described. I think that's part of the reason I am dragging my feet with DE. I'm so scared that it's just not meant to happen and we will spend all this money and time and emotional stress and have no baby in the end anyway.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. (((hugs)))
You took the words right outof my mouth. I know how you feel. I feel my hope is trully drained at this point. You are definately not alone.
i haven't had success yet but i know one way or another we will be parents.
for me i have an end point with treatments and if they don't work i will look into adoption or foster to adoption.
the longer we are on this road the harder it is to be hopeful. when i feel most down i think of the ladies on SaIF who had long/hard roads and are now moms. it will happen cutie.
feel what you need to feel and just keep moving forward.
((HUGS))
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, It empties today of its strength. ~Corrie ten Boom
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher (thank you beadinglady)
It's been a long journey. TTC since 9/06. multiple IUI's and IVF's and 4 m/c's. IVF#3 = BFP, twins, induced at 34w6d due to baby b passing away (no explanation). Delivered on 35w1d, Baby A - baby girl, and Baby B - baby boy, our little angel.
MTHFR A1298C & C677T, Immune Issues and Factor II
No success yet, but this is EXACTLY how I feel. I think part of the reason I went with a guarantee program is because deep down I don't think anything will ever work. If I was at all optimistic, I wouldn't have been so insistent on it.
((HUGS)). The short answer: Yes. I felt this way many times. In fact, I think that everyone who suffers from IF feels this way at one time or another. I think it is our way of trying to protect ourselves from more hurt.
IVF#3 was the sticky one for me, and I was so very ready to be done. So very ready to have my family. I truely felt like I was just going through the motions, and that we were moving on to donor eggs next. For me, I always needed a plan, so I was always considering "what was next" and I think having that plan allowed me to have a little hope each cycle...because I knew we would become parents someway.
It's encouraging that the doctors think you can have success, and it seems like having an eptopic on your last cycle was just really crappy, bad, bad luck. I don't think you are delusional - you are someone whose been on a very long, tough road who just wants her happy ending. Soon. And you deserve it.