Introduction and Advice - Marrying into Step-Child
jrkjpf
member
Good Morning, I have been a member of TheKnot board for a few weeks now, and have come across a sticky situation: (I apologize for the mis-spellings, the spell checker is not working)
I apologize for this long rant, I am marrying into a step-child, and can't seem to get a grip anymore.
FI and I have been together for a little over 2 years now, he has an almost 4 year old daughter to another GIRL, and i say girl strongly.
A little background:
When I came into the picture, his daughter was about 1.5 years old, a very sweet, playful, kind, gentle child, we did everything together, I didn't mind watching her for a few hours if he had to work, i'd buy her almost everything under the sun, i really accepted her into my own.
Her mother is NOW 22 years old, I am almost 27, and my FI will be 30 in mid-May, can you see some conflict in maturity and parenting here? Anyways, in our house, we have rules, we clean up, if you are warned 3 times, timeout is had or a toy taken away. If the little one has a very bad listening day, we don't go anywhere or do anything "fun" that day. Trying to teach her that all actions have an outcome, whether it's a good or bad. Completely different from her mothers house, no rules, no disaplin, rewards her with bad behavior and laughs at her when something "potty" comes out of her mouth. They also have a custody agreement amoungst themselves, in otherwords, he said she said. FI and I get her every Monday and Wednesday nights, and every other Friday-Sunday, the mother gets her everyday we don't, so it is almost completely 50/50, nothing in writing legally.
Fastforward:
Her exact 2nd birthday, that little switch turned on in her head, you know, the terrible 2's switch? Well needless to say, things have not been the same ever since. I completely understand the terrible 2's phase, screaming, fits, crying, yelling, hitting, etc...but never in my life would i have thought that turning 2, would develop such a hatrid for me. No matter what i did/do, play, correct, help, color, draw, mind my own, things have always turned out with me being the bad guy, or the red headed step child. But being that she was going through that lovely phase, I didn't let it bother me too much, and at that time, FI and I lived apart, so I was able to go home for a night or few hours when I just couldn't handle it anymore.
After her 3rd birthday, things continued to get even worse. Not only is she now able to understand more of what is going on around her, but is able to make her own choices, and do some things on her own, etc. Along with her ability to do things on her own, she has also developed a horrid personality, she screams at me if I look at her, tells me she doesn't need to listen to me, ignores me when i speak to her, when i try to sit down and play, tells me i'm not aloud or she doesn't want to play with me. FI keeps telling me that with time, and consistant structure, that she will get better, but how is she suppose to get better when her other parent prevokes this behavior? Again, we try the timeout, she sits in the corner and sings to herself, with the smarty pants tude about when time out is done. If we take away a toy, she makes it clear that mommy will buy her a new one and she doesn't care. Not only that, but constantly telling me that she doesn't need to listen to me, only mommy, daddy and teacher, starts to wear on you after awhile. I refuse to punish her by physical disaplin, not only is she not my child, but i feel now a days, there are many other things to try then resorting to "spanking". Also, I flicked her hand once for touching something she shouldn't have after numerous warnings, FI heard about it for days from her so called mother.
At some point we would like to have 2 children of our own, but if things continue this way, how can I be happy about having another child in fear that FI's little one's "mommy" will tell her bad things to do? (only thing that comes to mind here is the movie "The Omen") In the 2 years that we have been together, I have not met this mother, she refuses to meet me, but yet once we got engaged, her and her family made a statement since we have not met. I have tried introducing myself, as soon as she sees me in public, or i try to come to the front door, she runs quickly away. I'm sorry, but if that was my child, i would WANT to meet the person that may potentially be around for life.
End all, I need help, as stated I've been around for over 2 years now, and things continue to go downhill. Talking to her mother has done nothing for us, usually ends in a threatening fight or name calling from her end. It has gone as far as the little ones school threatening to kick her out of their program if she doesn't straighten up before her 4th birthday, apparently still not enough for her to realize that what she is doing is not the right way. I have heard of local "step child" classes they have in my area, and was thinking of signing up, but FI then stated it's really not me, it's the way she is being raised in her other home, any advise to help us? Please and Thank You
Re: Introduction and Advice - Marrying into Step-Child
I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to tell you you aren't alone, my SD, 3 yrs old, has also been being a holy terror lately and I am currently pregnant and also worried about the impact on our newborn and how she will react. I'm obviously not letting her alone with the baby for second, but at the same time SD will just walk up and smack people right in front of DH and myself so I don't see why the baby will be any different. I do not think tho that you should give a 4 yr old so much power to make you reconsider having children of your own just to appease her tho.
She has to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her and that you and her dad are the adults and need/deserve to be respected. I don't believe in coddling these kids and writing off their behavior as 'normal' toddler behavior or allowing it bc they feel sorry for them, they are going to go to school one day and if they haven't learned how to behave properly by then they are in for a rough time with their teachers and classmates.
Aside from the "I don't have to listen to you" stuff, I think most of it is age. My DD will be three next week, and that's how she is also. She is disciplined when she acts up, but it's just her strong willed personality. She tells me no, and tries to do what I tell her not to, and for the age, it's bound to happen. There's a reason they call them the "trying threes".
I think it's a lost cause with the mother. If she hasn't attempted to correct her behavior, I doubt it's going to happen. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, and you cant' force her to do it. But she needs to understand that when FSD is at your house, she will be disciplined in the way you see fit (as long as you and Fi agree). You're not spanking her, so you do what you feel is best in trying to curb her temperament.
But your FI is right. Over time, she will improve. At some point she's going to realize that things at your house are normal and not so bad. Have you guys thought about having her see a child behavior specialist/therapist? It may help her get out some of her feelings, and they may help her sort them out as a neutral party. I'm sorry you're going through this, but stay strong. It WILL get better, and you just have to hold on. The lightbulb will go off in her head eventually.
Breleigh & Mason
1. You have an FI problem b/c he...from what you wrote...isn't imediately correcting her that she need to listen and respect you.
2. Bad parenting isn't illegal, as much as we want it to be, so if you want her "rules" out of your home yours stays out of hers.
Eventually, children realize there are rules for places, They act differently in school, than in church, than at Grandmom's, than at the playground. She will learn she needs to follow the rules at your house and they are different than at her mother's. Consistancy is key.
And truthfully, you might want to start persuading your FI to get a CO and include a parental alienation clause that each house may not talk disparingly about the other parent's home while the child is in their care.
I do have an FI problem, which has been getting better with time. He has been a little more responsive to her actions, instead of leaving me to handle them and letting the situation get worse. But at times, he lets her get away with too many chances, or doesn't follow through with the punishment at threat, or even worse, lets her have the bribed treat anyways, even after she acts out. Like i said, it's getting better, and it is a learning curve for all of us, but on a day like today, I am just stressed and at my wits end.
I don't think it's the terrible 2's and much as it's the terrible 3's. My daughter was a terror from the ages of 2 until her 4th birthday, now she is so sweet again! Honestly I think this is normal behavior for her, she's testing you both, trying to see what she can get away with and how far she can push you. My mom always joked with me that chidlren are born evil and it's our job as parents to make them good. Well, after those 2 years with DD I don't doubt her theory at all! It will get better, just stick to rules, she will respect you more in the future if she has rules and boundries!
Time to get a lawyer and get a written CO. Like PPs said include a clause that states each parent may only speak of the other and their family respectfully. I believe ours is worded "that each family will only refer to the other parent and their family in a complimentary or laudatory fashion"... etc.
Secondly, time to have a chat with FI. Sit down and decide together what the rules are going to be and then stick to them. Consistency is key. And like a PP said, SD will learn that there are certain rules that apply at your house. And if she doesn't follow those rules there will be consequences. And if she doesn't care when you take away her toys you do have the option to take them ALL away, and make her earn them back. It sounds extreme, but it might get through.
Also might be time to consider some counseling for SD, or some family counseling for the 3 of you. It's never too early to start working through the blended family issues.
I can't speak to the whole age-appropriate behavior thing, because my DSS didn't act like that. But he could be the exception, rather than the rule.
But please take seriously the issues with your FI and BM. While your SD may change in time (if it's really a phase), these two people probably WILL NOT.
Marriage will not change anything. If your FI isn't stepping up as a parent now, he won't later. If BM is being a b*tch now, she will still be after your honeymoon. And all these issues will still be there when/if you decide to have kids with this man.
I repeat: MARRIAGE DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
Good luck!
I haven't been on this board in quite a while, but I want to echo this whole heartedly!
I'm on my second marriage and my second time being a stepmom. My ex did not parent as much as he should have, especially because we had custody of his daughter. His lack of involvement really took it's toll on the marriage (among many other things of course).
Now, I have a wonderful husband who is a great father, but we have lots of BM issues and the kids are pre-teen/teens! Unfortunately, adults don't change too often.
Married my amazing husband May 22, 2010
Became Step-Mom to 2 boys.
Husband had vasectomy in 2004 during first marriage.
Adoption Is Our Path!
Application sent March 29, 2011 First Meeting with CW: April 25, 2011 Final Visit and home visit: August 16, 2011
September, 2011 - told we are ready to be considered by birth parents. Officially WAITING!
Spring of 2012, we start to work with a Consultant and apply with a few agencies around the US
June 2012 - we are MATCHED
July 25, 2012 - Our SON was born in Arizona
August 8th, 2012 - we flew home with our baby
Awaiting Finalization
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I'd say first and foremost you need to let go what is happening at BM's house, unless it is abusive or destructive to your SD. That was something we did in the beginning (and right around the age your SD is!). Things improved dramatically for us when we started taking responsibility. We share 50/50 and they were spending all day at daycare. We spoke with the daycare and agreed to maintain the same punishments and rules so 2 out of the 3 places SDs were going were consistant. Besides, your SD is old enough to understand that what may fly at Mom's house will soon not work at yours.
Second, you need to sit down with your DH and talk to him about SD's behavior. I'd would prepare for this. Explain to him as gently as possible that her behavior is unacceptable and you want to work with him to change it and offer some suggestions and ask for his help. This conversation will not go well if you attack him or your SD as much as you may want to.
I would also look into parenting books. It doens't have to be step parenting books, but anything to help you parent. I think you'd probably like Barbara Colorso's book "Kids are Worth It". And the book "How to Talk so Kids Listen and How to Listen so Kids Talk". Both have been wonderful resources to me when dealing with my SD's. Read these books and try things out. Kids love structure and being in a two home family can be really frightening and unsure for kids. Provide as much structure as possible. My SD's function best when we follow a rountine to the letter. They love it!
I also want to tell you to hang in there! My SD's drove me bonkers for a long long time. I thought I would end up leaving DH because of them. But I started taking responsibility, read those books and I was the change in our family and it's great now (well mostly
). My SD's are two of the most well behaved girls around. It used to be that we couldn't take them out in public and now everywhere we go we get complimented on how polite and well behaved they are. All of this within about a year and with absolutely no change at their other home (so far as we can tell)
Why oh why did you get involved with a man that was 26/27 and got a 17/18yo PG? Do you see that maturity is not only an issue with BM but also with your FI? Do not get married until you know you can deal with this situation, put off the marriage and work on the problems first or you WILL be divorced, being married does not just make problems go away and neither does structure and if nothing is changing and this has been an issue for 2 years then either there is a real issue with the child that needs the attention of professionals (Autism, behavior issues, sensory issues, etc) or her parents are doing a sucky job at raising her, both parents and not just the BM that is easy to blame.
ETA: Like other said, your FI problem and BM problems will not just go away, I am reiterating that you need to work on those issues and learn to accept them or do yourself a favor and move on. I say do yourself a favor b/c I am still shocked that a 27yo would want to marry a man that got a 17/18yo PG when he was in his late 20s.