XP: Advice on the SO — The Bump
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XP: Advice on the SO

The SO is scheduled to come home on his two week leave from overseas around my due date.  He asked me last night if it was "alright" that him and a few other guys from his unit (who will also be home on their leave) "hang out" while he's home.  They each live about two hours away from us.  I had asked him a few specifics and said that it was up to him.  He's there with them, but wants to come back home and leave us just to be able to go and drink with them??  I'm uneasy about it as he told me that he would be busy and I wouldn't get to see him 24/7.... Hmmm...  With a newborn obviously I'm p!ssed, but I hate being that control freak.  I keep telling myself that maybe things will change when he gets home, but he's already so excited to come home and have some beers and go out with his friends and make all these plans.  I am upset that we don't seem to fit into his plans and hurt to say the least.  Should I wait until he gets home to say that I don't think its a good idea that he goes.  Should I say something now about how I'm feeling.  WWYD?

I'm completely understanding along the lines of him having family to visit and friends to re-unite with, etc, but its sounding like I won't see him much at all. 

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Re: XP: Advice on the SO

  • That would not fly for me.  No freaking way.  I'm not a controlling person when it comes to how DH spends his time, and I love for him to go out and have fun with his buddies.  Going out once, or maybe even twice, for a few hours with his buddies?  Sure, no problem.  But he's going to be "so busy" that you won't see him all the time?  And you're going to have (or soon be having) a newborn during this time?  Hell.to.the.no.  I would have a come to Jesus talk about this before he gets home.  Before you do that though, you have to figure out what you're going to do if he decides to keep all his plans and not spend much time with you and the new baby.  But yeah, don't wait until he's home to let him know that you expect him to spend the vast majority of his R&R with you and his new child (I am assuming this is his child anyway, my feelings on this would be different if it was not). 

    And if he's not willing to spend most of his time with his own child, I would be seriously reconsidering my future with a man who would rather go drink with his buddies all the time, instead of spending the only few days that he can with his newborn.  Maybe that's just me though. 

  • Oh yes.... it is his child.  :)  Whew... that'd be a doosie!!  And this is the guy who was talking about engagement just before he started second guessing and getting cold feet! 

    I'm really upset about this.  He just doesn't show any excitement to want to be home with us or excitement to even see us in that case.   IDK if he's nervous or what?  His priorities are completely off right now, I feel.  Once he leaves again he will be home within 3-4 months and he made that a point as well.  "I'm only going to be home on my leave for only 2 weeks."  You won't get 24/7 with me (which I didn't expect to, but I also didn't expect him to be making all of these plans).  "Oh I'll be home a few months after anyways so I don't udnerstand the big deal." 

    FRUSTRATING for sure. 

     

     

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  • image leslie13510:

    That would not fly for me.  No freaking way.  I'm not a controlling person when it comes to how DH spends his time, and I love for him to go out and have fun with his buddies.  Going out once, or maybe even twice, for a few hours with his buddies?  Sure, no problem.  But he's going to be "so busy" that you won't see him all the time?  And you're going to have (or soon be having) a newborn during this time?  Hell.to.the.no.  I would have a come to Jesus talk about this before he gets home.  Before you do that though, you have to figure out what you're going to do if he decides to keep all his plans and not spend much time with you and the new baby.  But yeah, don't wait until he's home to let him know that you expect him to spend the vast majority of his R&R with you and his new child (I am assuming this is his child anyway, my feelings on this would be different if it was not). 

    And if he's not willing to spend most of his time with his own child, I would be seriously reconsidering my future with a man who would rather go drink with his buddies all the time, instead of spending the only few days that he can with his newborn.  Maybe that's just me though. 

    I agree with ALL of this.  IMHO, I think this is very telling of his priorities and where you and your LO will fall in his priorities.  I'd be reconsidering my future with him.. 

  • I'm sorry he's acting like this. I do not think that coming home and seeing the two of you will magically make him shift his priorities. And I also think you need to discuss this with him before he gets home. He may end up feeling resentful if he's made grand plans under the assumption that it's okay with you just to have you revoke your previous statements.

    I, too, understand my husband's need to do what he feels good doing during R&R however it is a two way street. I'm going through the deployment, too, and he understands that I also have needs. And quite frankly, even without children (yet), every one of my husband's 4 deployments his number one priority has been spending time with me upon returning home.

    If he wants to hang with buddies one night and let loose, let them come to him. Or are they not willing to travel that far because they have families that they want to spend time with? Hmmmm

    I agree with PPs that you may want to take a long hard look at his commitment to you. I'm not saying definitely leave him and run away or anything. But, your second statement in response to a PP really raises red flags for me. He sounds like he's very sketchy about his level of commitment and his desire to move to the next level with you (baby on the way or not). 

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  • image SheilaE:
    image leslie13510:

    That would not fly for me.  No freaking way.  I'm not a controlling person when it comes to how DH spends his time, and I love for him to go out and have fun with his buddies.  Going out once, or maybe even twice, for a few hours with his buddies?  Sure, no problem.  But he's going to be "so busy" that you won't see him all the time?  And you're going to have (or soon be having) a newborn during this time?  Hell.to.the.no.  I would have a come to Jesus talk about this before he gets home.  Before you do that though, you have to figure out what you're going to do if he decides to keep all his plans and not spend much time with you and the new baby.  But yeah, don't wait until he's home to let him know that you expect him to spend the vast majority of his R&R with you and his new child (I am assuming this is his child anyway, my feelings on this would be different if it was not). 

    And if he's not willing to spend most of his time with his own child, I would be seriously reconsidering my future with a man who would rather go drink with his buddies all the time, instead of spending the only few days that he can with his newborn.  Maybe that's just me though. 

    I agree with ALL of this.  IMHO, I think this is very telling of his priorities and where you and your LO will fall in his priorities.  I'd be reconsidering my future with him.. 

    I couldn't have said it better than these two statements.

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  • image Shotgunqueen12:

    Oh yes.... it is his child.  :)  Whew... that'd be a doosie!!  And this is the guy who was talking about engagement just before he started second guessing and getting cold feet! 

    I'm really upset about this.  He just doesn't show any excitement to want to be home with us or excitement to even see us in that case.   IDK if he's nervous or what?  His priorities are completely off right now, I feel.  Once he leaves again he will be home within 3-4 months and he made that a point as well.  "I'm only going to be home on my leave for only 2 weeks."  You won't get 24/7 with me (which I didn't expect to, but I also didn't expect him to be making all of these plans).  "Oh I'll be home a few months after anyways so I don't udnerstand the big deal." 

    FRUSTRATING for sure. 

     

    When my DH (before he was my husband) was deployed last year he did the same. We were talking about getting married and moving in together etc etc...and then he suddenly told me he wasnt so sure. 2 weeks after he came home he purposed- and as planned we moved in together and got married. I'm almost 6 months pregnant now.
    I think you should tell him how you feel. That you dont mind if he goes out with his buddies for a night or so while hes home...but you really want/need him with you to help with the newborn. Whether hell be home a few months later or not it doesnt matter. When my DH was home for his 15 day leave he spent 85% of the time with me, the rest with his family and friends. It's normal for him to want to have a few beers- just tell him you need the help and if he still says no........then ya might wanna reconsider your options

     

     

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  • This would not sit well with me at all.  When the DH and I go back home for pre/post deployment leave he goes out with his buddies atleast three times which is fine by me because he does not see his back home freinds often.  While we are home [@ our duty station] he will go out periodically again which is fine gives me time to do my things I like.

    You need to be honest and just say how you feel because if anything you will know you are doing what you need to do to be honest.  While it must hurt your feelings, as I am sure it would hurt mine, you just need to be strong for yourself and your LO.

     Best of luck!!!

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  • You picked yourself a winner there. So he'll be home for a couple of weeks, and his priority is seeing his friends instead of spending time with you and HIS child. Run away. Run far, far away.
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