Question for Former NICU Moms
buenaestrella77
member
What's it like for you looking at pictures of your LO in the NICU?
While my son was in the NICU I would look at his pictures all the time, but now I can't. It sends me into a total breakdown. I feel awful about it, I wish it didn't hurt so much. I collected so many little mementos during that journey for a scrapbook and I wanted to finish the scrapbook in time for his birthday (in July so I do have time), but I can't bring myself to even open the box. I feel guilty for feeling this way, like somehow I can't come to terms to his beginning. I try to focus and think of it in a very "wow look how far he's come" kind of way, that's what my brain is saying over and over, but my heart breaks all over again and the tears come.
Anyone experience this? How do you handle it? Will it ever get better?
Thankfully he is doing well. It's amazing how well they thrive once they get home. I'm loving being a mom and I cherish every moment with my son, it's just when I look at those photos.
Re: Question for Former NICU Moms
I think it has a lot to do with how you process your feelings and grieve the loss of an ideal pregnancy, birth, and months with your "new" baby. I feel like I have PTSD when I see some of my sons pictures. We just did his 7 month old pictures at JC Penny and I had one of him sitting next to a framed picture of him in the NICU when he was a month old and weighed 3lbs. That made me cry. I think I forget about all the emotions now because he has for the most part caught up and does not resemble a preemie anymore.
That time for me was so much more than just having a baby in the NICU. It taught me a lot about myself and my boyfriend. It made us closer and changed who I was. I found that talking to other moms who experienced the same thing really helped me after all they understood what I was going through. have now started a non profit group in our area that focuses on support for other parents with preemies. I have put so much of my time into it that I feel like it is therapy everyday I open my email and find a new parent to talk to. The more I talk about my situation and what happened to us the more I can digest it and grieve it.
While my babies were in the NICU I took pictures of them every single day. I kept a blog and during the nurses shift change I would work on uploading the pictures onto it. I had to go back to work two months after they got out of the NICU and I spent a lot of time looking at their pictures from their blog. Even now a year later sometimes on random days I go back exactly a year from now just so see how far they have come. Every once in a while I do get a little emotional but for the most part I love looking back and seeing their progress. My babies were born at 29 weeks and they are now 16 months old and my baby girl just started walking this week. Maybe for some that would be a sad thing? But for me I am amazed at what they can do no matter how late despite being born to tiny.
My twins Benjamin and Olivia
This was me completely a few months ago leading up to LO's first birthday. As my emotional stability just kept getting worse and worse, I FINALLY sought out counseling and was diagnosed with PTSD. I've done a lot of therapy (including EMDR which is truly incredible) and am on a low does of meds, and these things have made a HUGE difference, bringing me back to a more stable place and letting me enjoy my life again. My only wish now is that I had sought out help earlier, but I guess that timing was just right for me.
I was finally able to look back at our early NICU pictures about a month ago without getting all worked up. Now I can look back and be happy for how far he's come, and glad that he's with us, etc. I wanted to feel that way before but it just was not within the realm of possibility for me. My brain was stuck in the trauma mode. Recently I even made a video of pictures & video of LO's life from birth to his coming home anniversary. It was very theraputic for me.
I strongly encourage you to seek out some counseling. In my experience, I have found such great healing through counseling and feel a million times better about everything that's happened now. I'd love to talk to you more if you want. rebuhjean at yahoo dot com
Thank you so much ladies for responding. This has been a huge help. When he came home I started counseling because I was having panic attacks and was diagnosed with PTSD. And you're right it helped tremendously. I guess the photos are something of a trigger for me that I wish I could overcome. I want to get to that place where I don't feel the pain. I've discussed with my therapist how the photos make me feel and she told me with time I would feel better. But honestly your responses have made me feel so much better. It was really helpful to hear from different perspectives. Thank you for once again giving me strength.
I'm right there with you. (Hugs) They all bring me to tears. I see how big he is now and how well he's done and I feel guilt for bringing him into the world so early and small. I just can't shake how horrible I feel.
I have made a scrapbook for each momth of his life. Except the month of the NICU. I'm working on it though.
This exactly! So lucky DD is healthy, happy and here with us.