favoring :( long...

octbride1234 · April 2011

My twin girls are 6 months old now. My in-laws are great to me and my kids however since birth my MIL has been favoring one of my twin girls. It happens to be the daughter that looks like my husband which is her son and has her name for a middle name. My other daughter looks more like me and has my mom's name for a middle name. The middle names were already given to them prior to being born it was odd how they resemble that side of the family. Anyway.. I know she loves both of them but the favoring is sometimes so obvious that others have noticed it. She will always go to this one daughter and show alot more affection, attention, kisses, feeding her and just spends alot more time playing with her. My other daughter gets some attention but not as much and I don't even know if she has ever kissed her. She has only fed her a few times which I understand because she tends to be a choker so I know she gets nervous so I won't hold that against her. My husband and I have never talked about it, I don't want to chance having a fight come out of this. I think he may have sensed it early on because he would make joking comments to his mom " ok ma, what about so and so.. you can't show favortism.. " and then laugh. He has not made these comments lately.

It just hurts me as a mom to see this.. I don't want my other daughter to sense it as she gets older which can happen and feel less loved by her grandmother. I feel like this may be happening because my daughter reminds her of my husband? not really sure but it makes my skin crawl watching it.

I get along pretty good with her. We have had a few minor issues that have resolved but I think this is just her and I don't think she means harm and I don't know if she sees what she is doing. I just don't want a fight to come out of this and I don't want to bang heads with my husband either. Has anyone gone through this with a family member and did you do anything ? Did it resolve on its own?? I never imagined that this would be an issue, a grandmother favoring one child with a ton of attention and affection.

Sorry this is so long... maybe I just needed to vent because this hurts.

Haven1 · April 2011

octbride1234:

My husband and I have never talked about it, I don't want to chance having a fight come out of this.

There's a whoooole lot of ground between "we've never talked about it" and a "fight". Why don't you talk to him about it? It doesn't have to be some giant, serious, sit-down conversation that leads to yelling and tears. Just bring it up in the car on the way home or right after she leaves. Ask him if he thinks MIL gives one baby the shaft.

If he says yes, come up with a strategy for bringing it up to her together. Maybe she doesn't even know she does it. If he says no, express your concers and hatch a plan. If you do nothing but sit and stew about it, nothing is going to change.

Temp6313048411121614 · April 2011

You need to address this. I will say that if it's obvious at all, children will notice, my g-parents preferred one of my cousins over me, or even said cousins siblings and it was clear as day (and very hurtful) to me even at a very early age (for example, in plastic Easter eggs, I'd get $1 bill while my other cousin got $20's). You need to calmly talk to your husband, I think you've got a good start since he's noticed it, just don't attack his family, as long as you're not using blaming words, I don't see how a fight could start. I would just tell him that it hurts your feelings that _______ doesn't get as much attention and affection as ________ and you'd like him to point it out to his mom b/c she honestly may not notice.

LoveTravel · April 2011

I agree with the above posters about talking to you DH, if he's made comments about it, then more than likely he's noticed it also...

Hopefully things will go well and she'll try to give the same attention to both girls

jenn_darrin1515 · April 2011

My MIL absolutely favored one of my DD over the other...and she does happen to be the twin who looks like my dh (M) and his side of the family, while my dd who got the shaft looks more like me (A)....DH also noticed it and we made it a point to make sure sure spent close to equal time doting on both grandbabies...

M was more responsive and "awake" during those 1st few months...so in retrospect I am giving my mil the benefit of the doubt that that was the reason for her inadvertant favoritism...but had I not discussed my feeling with dh and had we not addressed it I would have snapped about it one day with her and gone on feeling like my poor av was getting the shaft....so talk to your dh!

Stina4242 · April 2011

I find a lot of favortism from everyone already al for their own reasons.

Some people go to my son bc he doesn't spit up as much, some people go to my daughter bc they like girls better (apparantly), its my in laws second nephew but first neice so I think that makes them go towards her a lot. Oh and my nephew (1 years old) only goes to my son!

For me I think as they get older it will even out more, as someone said it also depends on who is awake or crying and needy at the time.

AlishaMay · April 2011

One of my girls was super spitty, and had some feeding issues, so visitors tended to shy away from her, and give her twin sister tons of attention. Once she got older, and outgrew her issues it was a bit better. But what I think made the biggest difference was that she got her own social personality (somewhere around 9 mo I think). Since then, people are realizing how sweet and lovely she is, something I saw all along, and hurt me that it didn't seem like others did. My girls have also become so different - one is more outgoing, snuggly and affectionate, while the other is more reserved, but likes to laugh and giggle and play games. People seem to have come to appreciate their differences, and want to engage with both of them equally. Because of this, I think you have a couple of options.

You could let things simmer for a bit and see how things pan out as your girls get older. Make sure she has lots of opportunities to shower your mini-me with attention - maybe asking for pictures with just her and mini-you, or maybe you can ask her opinion about something that is specific to your mini-me - something that would connect her with your DD. I'd be extra careful not to do it in a passive-aggressive way though.

Or, like PP's suggested, you could casually bring it up to your DH, and take his lead on how you can handle it best together.

scraw99 · April 2011

Wow, I could have written your post. My MIL favors Ellen who looks like my husbands's side of the family and calls her the "y family baby" and calls Gretchen the "x family baby" because she looks like my side of the family. She wouldn't hold Gretchen for weeks saying Ellen was "more her size" and she was used to big babies (there was less than a 1 pound weight difference).

They are 10 mo now and it has gotten worse over time. At Xmas when they visited, Gretchen was ignored and seldom held. Ellen was showered with attention from both grandparents and Gretchen was off by herself playing for most of their visit. I thought it would get better like a pp said when their personalities were evident. But, she doesn't and she will only tell Ellen that she loves her and sometimes doesn't even acknowledge that Gretchen is there for 5-10 min when we video chat. She then immediately goes back to talking to and about Ellen: what is Ellen doing how many teeth Ellen has etc. . .

In my situation, I have spoken to my husband and he DENIES it even though it is sooo obvious. So, he won't speak to his mother about it. I resent his parents and I don't want to include them in our 1st birthday gathering because I don't feel that it is fair for only one baby to be "loved".

Since your husband is perceptive about the situation and has made comments about it, I would speak to him. I wish you luck and let me know how it goes. I could use some advice too.

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