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when can she "cry it out"?
My daughter is four weeks old and is not content unless someone is constantly holding her. We've tried waiting until she is drifting off to sleep, then laying her in her bassinett, and she immediately wakes up and screams her head off. Then the process starts all over, and I pretty much get nothing done all day long. Is four weeks too young to let her cry until she calms herself down? I know this sounds crazy, but I'm worried she'll have trust issues later in life if I don't respond to her cries. I was thinking that maybe six weeks would be a good time to start....
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Re: when can she "cry it out"?
This! A million times this!
most books say 4 months, but my pedi says 6 months. At four weeks or even six weeks your child can not soothe themselves to sleep so it can be detrimental to them if you let them cry it out. It can actually make things way worse. Also, it won't work...they might cry themselves to sleep out of exhaustion but they will do it night after night and it won't help them sttn because they have no idea how to help themselves go to sleep.
DD - February 2011
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Four weeks is way too young. So is six weeks. Remember that she was right next to you for nine months, so adjusting to life outside the womb is a big adjustment. She really does need you to respond promptly to her cries. The closer they are to you, the calmer they will be.
In my opinion, I would not even consider starting any kind of cry it out sleep training until 4-6 months, but closer to six months.
If you are thinking, six months?? I will lose my mind by then...hang in there. Try to think of it this way, this time period is so brief in the grand scheme of things, and sooner than you think she will want to be independent and not want to be held, except only briefly. Try to think of this time as a treasure more than a burden and it will make things easier.
All CIO questions get these responses. I don't know how anyone could let a baby cry like that, it makes me crazy to listen to my LO cry even for a minute.
I know it's not easy, but when you post something on a public forum you must know that you are opening yourself up to public judgement. I truly believe that responding promptly to your daughter's cries WILL help her to become confident, happy, and content. Don't think you are "creating a monster" or starting bad habits that will be hard to break. It's going to take some time, but she will learn to calm herself down and sleep on her own. Just not now. Hang in there.
If you let your child CIO before 6 months you will be lit on fire here.
I don't understand the whole all of a sudden your kid will be OK with you putting them down and crying at 6 months. I understand you don't want to let your kid cry when they're newborns. But at 4 months, my kids knew if they cried someone would pick them up (not because they needed something. Just because they wanted to be held). Maybe being able to snuggle is a luxury of having a singleton, but my kids had to CIO sometimes and it was OK. They didn't die from crying for a bit.
Maybe my response is harsh, but I'm sick of all the posters who clutch their pearls if you DARE let your child cry before 6 months.
I'm alllllll for letting kids CIO. (Puts on flame proof suit).
I couldn't put my son down for 2 months! That kid was not into independent time. DH and I took turns holding him, sleeping in recliners for the first 6 weeks or so. Then we bedshared part-time (and still do).
Now, he is incredibly independent. He will play by himself from wake-up until nap time if I need him to. I pay lots of attention to him, wear him, and co-nap a lot of the time.
Holding your baby a ton in the beginning WILL help her become more independent in the long run. Just remember, this time will past so fast! That thought was what kept me sane. My DS is 6 months now, and I have no idea when that happened! Hang in there mama
See siggy links on sleep help. Try swaddling with the escape proof swaddle and putting her down awake after a certain amount of time to fall asleep on her own.
Trust me, it works.
This. Relax mamma! Just enjoy her being that small and let the house get a little messy. You'll miss it when she's older!
This too, invest in a good carrier, it WILL get used, and used a lot, trust me!
your baby needs comfort, she just spent 10 months being "held" by you you CANNOT assume she would be comfortable away from you.
6mo minimum, babies that are made to CIO before then almost always have reactive attachment disorders of some kind. IMHO its not worth it. Enjoy the cuddling now because once they are mobile it stops...
Taking 2 minutes to brush your teeth even though your baby starts crying =/= purposefully letting her cry "until she calms herself down". One of these is acceptable and necessary, one is not. At 4 weeks she will not "calm herself down" from crying. She will give up on trying to get your attention.
Get a carrier if she wants to be held and lower your standards on how much you should get done during the day.
My opinion too.
This. before then they still don't have the reasoning to understand. At 4wks they are still forming the bond with you and learning to trust you.
The reason why 6+ months is the magic number is because that's when babies begin to develop object permanence. That means they know things exist (like their mother), even if they cannot see them. When you're leaving a 4 month old to cry, they dont know that mommy and daddy are just in the other room. They are alone and scared and experience a high level of stress. I think it's pretty cruel to put unnecessary stress on an infant just because you don't feel like holding them because it's difficult to hold a baby and tend to other children at the same time.
I don't get the excuse that when you have other kids you have to let the baby CIO sometimes. I have 2 very young children, and not once have I had to let DD CIO (not even to eat, brush my teeth, or take a quick shower). Sure, sometimes when I'm prepping a bottle she has to fuss for a minute or two just like everyone else's baby. Otherwise, she has never been left to cry. If she wants to be held but I have to tend to my other child, I just wear her in a baby carrier so she gets the closeness to her mom she craves but I also have my hands free to tend to my other child.
This. For real. Nothing bad will happen if you let your kid CIO. I don't recommend doing it this early, but you won't turn your kid into a f*cked up sociopath. DS wanted to be carried around the house all day. I would put him down in the swing, RnP, etc. and go about my business and I'd only go pick him up if he was really wailing. I think this taught him that not being in my arms all day wasn't so bad, and if he really needed me I'd be there.
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Congratulations! Where shall we send your "Mother of the Year" award?
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OP--I agree with the baby carrier advice--a few things that might help you:
-you say that you try to put her down while she's drifting off--as you've found out, this won't work for most babies. she needs to be completely asleep when you put her down--limp. It will help if she's swaddled too so she can't jolt herself awake so easily.
-have you tried a pacifier yet? it can be super helpful.
-your baby might benefit from sleeping in a vibrating baby seat or a swing instead of a bassinet since she seems to prefer going to sleep with some movement. she doesn't have to fall asleep in your arms--when she's showing signs of sleepiness you can put her in a vibrating seat while swaddled, sit with her for a while helping her keep a pacifier in her mouth--and in 15 minutes you'll have a sleeping baby who will stay asleep for a good while.
Thanks! It's really not that hard to do though. If I didnt want to respond to a baby's needs, I would have just adopted a 5 year old.
I agree with the higlighted before.
Letting your baby fuss for a minute while you tend to yourself to grab a bite to eat or go to the bathroom is not CIO. Letting your baby cry alone in their room so they learn that you don't feel like holding them all the time is. They are 2 different concepts.
seeriously, get a moby! I had it from the very beginning and didn't use it for a while. Once I re-discovered it it has been a lifesaver! You will be amazed at the amount of things you can accomplish with it! I honestly wouldn't recommend the Bjorn yet. I felt like DS's head was too floppy for it and ended up holding onto the Bjorn every time I bent down ending up with only one free hand.
If you want your baby to be happy and content then seriously just hold her. Letting them CIO is something that i can't even imagine doing at 6 months. It does get easier.
I got berated by my family for "holding DS too much" because I was going to "spoil him". I told them to go screw, he's my baby and i'll hold him as much as I want. He's currently in his swing enjoying himself by himself IMO because I give him the attention that he needs when he needs it.
The bumpie formerly known as First Time in MI
I'm sorry. Didn't realize I was making an excuse! Wow. You're so right. Having twins, one with specials needs and also one who is deaf, is SOOOO not an excuse.
What a bad mother I am.
My major is in child development, and one of the things they stressed to us in the sleep research portion of our studies was that babies should be put down drowsy rather than fully asleep. They also emphasized the importance of a nighttime or naptime routine in fostering healthy sleeping habits.
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That does not work for all babies and at 4 weeks,IMO, it doesn't matter. You are still in survival mode. I didn't start attempting to put DS down drowsy until he was at least 2 months because it just did not work for him otherwise.
OP, get a moby and do not your LO CIO.