what can I do for my cousin who lost her baby at 22w? (warning siggy)

MayDayGirl · April 2011

We haven't been close since we were kids and it's been a few years since I've seen her but I want to send something, anything, is there a book or a special gift that was healing? She is a strong christian if that helps.

hopeandlove0417 · April 2011

I don't know that I would send her a gift, maybe some women would not mind...but for me It would be a constant reminder (not that there's ever a moment I'm not thinking about my LO's). The best thing I think you could do Is let her know that you are there for her when shes ready to talk. I would maybe talk to her husband and let him relay the message (if you have children I'd make sure they can't be heard in the background). Maybe it sounds cheesy but what about naming a star in remembrance? I received cards in the mail, and let me tell you while the gesture was nice...it did not help

Unfortunately there's really no gift that anyone could give someone who just had a m/c that would make them feel better (at least in my opinion)

roxyttandme · April 2011

I say stock her freezer with some homemade meals. Don't do flowers- they die. Don't say it happened for a reason or it was God's will. That just makes it worse. The most simple things are usually the best: "I am just so sorry," "there are no words", " I am here for you."

On a side note, you may want to put a siggy warning. These ladies just lost babies and see other's is painful.

She is lucky to have you...

Auki13 · April 2011

It's hard to know what would be best since you don't know her well. And at 22 weeks she may have delivered and seen the baby... So a rememberance gift may be nice. But it really depends on where she stands, how she feels, and what she's going through. If you want a more generic gift, people have mentioned food (which is a great way to help through a difficult time) but if you live too far away it may not be possible to make her something. You may want to try sending one of those fruit arangements. We got one, and I personally thought it was nice, and I love fruit (as do my kids) so it was great to snack on. I would not send flowers, as someone said, because they die. But if you want to send a plant that that is easy to care for, that may be nice. Again, it's hard to know exactly what to do, but if you explain that you know there is nothing you can do to make it better and you are sorry, I think it would be appreciated that you reached out to her.

hewinked · April 2011

Do not say cliches such as "In time, it will be better," "It was God's plan," "Things happen for a reason," "You can have more children," etc. Just say I'm sorry. Offer to be there for her, and then stick with it. I hated plants when DS died. It was another reminder that things and people die. I liked getting cards. I'm so sorry for your cousin's loss. Many hugs to her.

boymamaco · April 2011

You are so sweet and thoughtful. I think a card and being a shoulder to lean on is a great idea. If you want to get her a gift - maybe something that is symbolic of the baby's birth month. I have a rememberance necklace (that I made with charms from Etsy). It has my angel baby's birthstone (briolette charm), a round disc with angel wings stamped on it, and a sterling silver daffodil (because that is the flower we used in our private memorial.)

Also, I am currently reading "Heaven Is For Real" - its about a little boy's time in heaven and the lessons he brings back. One of those memories he recounts is that he met his sister who was miscarried at 8 weeks, before he was born. He didn't know that they had been pregnant with her, and he brought it up to her. I dont know, that might be kind of tough to read at her stage but I'm finding it helpful in knowing that my angel baby is in heaven and that I will get to meet him when I finally get there.

A girlfriend of mine got me a massage at a local spa. I haven't used it yet but I'm planning to and can't wait.

I think you are very thoughtful and no matter what you decide to do, she will be touched that you are reaching out. There are no "right" words but the thought definitely counts.

sabrina69barnes · April 2011

You could get her a gift card to Applebees or some other place that has carry out. For a while it will probably be hard for her to do much but lay in bed a cry so it would be nice not to have to think about food.

LIa0909 · April 2011

As others have already said, just say I'm sorry and I'm here for whatever you need and then follow through.

I agree with most of the suggestions but just wanted to point out something else. With that beautiful little brand new squish you've got, you may not be the one she wants to lean on right now. So also accept that what she needs most right now, is some space. But as long as she knows you are there when she is ready... that is the most important thing.

Its been quickly going on two months since our daughter died and there are people whose efforts I really really appreciated that I am still just now getting back to. And there are others that I am still not ready to resond to yet either.

UsafWifey09 · April 2011

In a nutshell, there is nothing you can do. All you can do is try and support her thoughts and decisions.. she may decide she doesn't want anything to do with you. She may decide she doesn't wants to see babies for now. The thing that hurt me most was people on FB. They announced their pregnancies and showed pictures of their new babies. It's not that I couldnt be happy for anyone else, it just hurt that my son wasnt there. That he had all the rights to live and didn't that the world kept going when mine competely stopped, and still is stopped. I had to delete people and stop talking to some people for my own good. It's nothing personal, so if this happenes, don't take it personal. Like I said all you can do is try and be there,and just let it be known. Don't tell her you know how you feel, because you don't. If you go visit,avoid taking your kids.

MayDayGirl · April 2011

thanks ladies, we live 7 hours apart and I haven't seen her in years. I would NEVER say anything about God's timing or plan, I have been around the block myself and we even almost lost our daughter between her birth and now. I won't be someone she leans on and I can't stock her freezer, so I thought anything I can do from a distance might help.

She does have another child at home, which I am grateful for, someone to love and squeeze in the absense.

Sorry about not doing the siggy warning

carrieandtim · April 2011

MayDayGirl:

She is a strong christian if that helps.

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake is a WONDERFUL book for Christians.

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what can I do for my cousin who lost her baby at 22w? (warning siggy)

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