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should I say anything? (IL-related)
I think I mostly just need to vent, but a few things came up this weekend while my ILs were visiting. (And not just the fact that they refuse to stay in a hotel so they were sleeping in our living room all weekend.) Both are food-related:
1) Every time J ate anything - cereal, applesauce, meatballs, yogurt, veggies, anything - MIL would eat some of it. She wouldn't ask (him or us) she would just take it off his plate. I guess on some level this food was "weird" to them since we make all J's food, or something, so she wanted to try it? But for some reason this really annoyed me. Especially after DH offered to make her some XX of her own and she said no . . . she just wanted to eat J's.
2) We don't really feed J sweets. On occasion, we'll let him have a little bite of something - I'm not crazy-strict about it - but otherwise the sweetest thing he really eats are Fig Newtons. My ILs know this. And yet, every time we see them they're either asking if we can give him something sweet to eat, or sneaking it behind my back.
For example: I made cookies yesterday, and all day they asked if J could have one. I said no. This morning, they asked if he could have one for breakfast (!). This is after they had fed him some of a pecan roll while I was in the shower (knowing I wouldn't have wanted them to). Instead of asking if it was OK or telling me they had done it, MIL said to J "Oooh, we should have washed your face off! Your mommy will be mad if she sees what you were eating!"
Instead of getting into it, I said nothing and took him to get cleaned up. But this really irked me - it just struck me as disrespectful. And I know I'm going to be seeing them again in a few weeks. Is it worth saying anything (about either issue)? Or should I just keep coming here to vent? 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: should I say anything? (IL-related)
# 1 I would let go - I would take it as a compliment that you make such delicious food your MIL has to try it. Plus, my kid and I eat off the same plate so I can't criticize her for doing the same.
# 2 would drive me BSC and I would address it. While grandparents generally get a pass to do "special" things, if I had made a point to ask them not to do something and it wasn't respected, I'd ask why. If it was my mom, I'd say, "I know you want your visit to be special - but it is special just for you to spend time with DS. He doesn't have to have sweets for him to enjoy your visit." But what I'd be thinking is, "Did you not understand what I said or are you just passive-agressive?"
Also, if your DH is there, I'd make him address it. If it was only me, I'd address it directly.
It wasn't so much the eating (I do it too) but that she never asked. It was almost like she was waiting for us to say something . . . baiting us, like she does with the sweets.
Good call about having DH talk to her. They definitely seem to think this is all my idea, when it's actually something DH and I agree about.
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
2) Why do grandparents always want to feed their grandkids things they're not supposed to have? (The last time we saw my ILs, FIL insisted on wanting to give M a dill pickle. Why??) I definitely understand why you're annoyed, and I'd be really annoyed too, but I don't know if it's the hill you want to die on, especially if it only happens every few weeks. Maybe if you compromise and tell them he can have ONE cookie, they'll be satisfied and drop it?
While #1 is odd and I get why it is annoying, I would probably just try to let it go. Or, if you don't think you can, have your husband say something.
#2 is a different story. I would ask my husband to say something the next time his parent's did it. If that didn't work, I would then address it with them directly. I tend to lean towards letting each person deal with their own parent's as I think it is easier that way, but somethings you just have to jump in on and address.
#1. That's . . . odd, I guess, but I would let it go.
#2. This is a battle that we have (generally) chosen not to fight with our families. The big exception is when the in laws watch C during the week. But for holidays or weekends when they babysit, we turn a blind eye as long as it's not something that could hurt him (egg-based custards etc because of his allergy, chokable because he's a crappy chewer). C rarely gets sweet stuff at home, even if I make it, so I figure a cookie or two on the weekends won't hurt him.
It's made family functions a little less stressful because it's just one less thing to worry about and I know he can handle a piece of cake and not go crazy or anything. Plus, there are usually a ton of kids at our family gatherings, so wrangling sweets away from one while the others are pigging out seemed mean.
That being said, the fact that MIL purposely goes behind your back to do it in your own house would infuriate me. I would have DH give MIL the "he's our kid, what we say goes" speech.
I think others have given good advice.
My general rule of thumb is that for things that need to be addressed directly or in a more serious manner with the grandparents that I have DH manage his parents and I manage mine. I think it works better because there's a difference in her saying "your mommy will get mad" vs. "my son requested that I not feed him that". It's just a different context when it's your child making the request vs. the spouse of your child.
If it's really important to you, I would have DH address it but if you only see them a few times a year, I would try to let it go as much as you can. My thought is that once kids get into school and go to more activities not in our control, they are going to be exposed to different foods, media, influences, etc. So, if you think it will create a big riff in the family, it may not be worth it.
i love this idea!
for #2, i would say something and i wouldn't necessarily wait for the next time. but maybe make your DH do it since they're his parents. if they want to give him a sweet, then they can ask your permission first. maybe you can make an exception for when they are around that he can have them a bit more often so you don't have to constantly fight that battle with them. but giving him a pecan roll without asking you would really piss me off because there are all sorts of potential hazards there with nuts...esp. while they're staying in your house, they should abide by your rules.
I've become less hesitant lately admonishing my parents for things they do with H but i find i have to repeatedly tell them to not do something and why for it to register. for a long time it was a fight about giving her the paci (the slightest peep or cry and they'd shove it in) and now it's about them - mainly my dad - sticking her about a foot from the TV when she is having a screaming fit.
he discovered it calmed her down and even yesterday when she was crying went and turned the tv on for her. I was like "no, we don't use that to calm her down" and turned it off.
Thanks for the advice, all. I like the idea of each dealing with our own parents. I can let #1 slide (I just think it's weird more than anything) but I'm going to stick to my guns about #2. If they ask, I can (and do) try to be a little more flexible, but doing it behind our backs is not OK. Next time we'll definitely say something.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm not crazy!
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
I don't mean to split hairs, but she did fess up -- it's not like she actually tried to hide it from you. As long as they aren't stuffing him with gummy bears from dawn til dusk, I would let them experience the joy of watching their grandson try something harmless that he'll enjoy. I have no idea what your MIL is like, but I know I happily owe my MIL at least that much.
Depends on the MIL. For me, with my three MILs, there is no way either of these things would be the battle I'd pick.
But I think you have a fairly nice MIL, right? In which case I agree with PP's that #2 should be addressed, but by your DH.
Re: #2...I grew up in a pretty strict house where sweets were off-limits. This led to my sisters and I all having food related issues, but that's another story! My grandparents used to give us treats when we visited them or when they came to see us, and it seemed really extra special to us. For this reason, if MIL wants to feed Chase animal crackers and mac and cheese when she sees him, I don't care. We allow treats in our house on a "one per day" kind of basis, and without strings attached. For example, I might send a handful of Teddy Grahams in DS' lunch, and I don't care if he eats all of his other food first. Or if I've baked cookies, he can have one after dinner, but I don't tie it to whether or not he's eaten his veggies. I think if they aren't seen as verboten, he will just see them as a food, like any other food.
Long story short, I would let the ILs have their fun unless it's hurting him. And if it's getting out of control, make DH handle it. Better that you preserve your relationship with them.
Oh, and #1 is just weird. I don't know why anybody would do that, but I'd just let it go. She'll probably "outgrow" it as soon as he is big enough to get mad that she's taking his food!!
While I agree with most everyone here who said they could let #1 go, if you really want to address is (or have DH address it), I'd probably offer again to make her some food and, when she refuses say something like, "Well we appreciate that you want to taste what J is eating but we plan, pretty specifically what and how much we're giving him so we can track how well he's eating so it throws that off a bit when you're sharing his food. We'd be happy to have you try some of it before we portion it out for him."
As for #2, I really like what the poster said about saying that their time and attention is how you'd really like them to spoil J. We are already having this issue with my in-laws who want to send "stuff" to the baby and keep saying that it is their "right" as grandparents to spoil her. Our take is that, they can spoil her if they'd like but they have to do that within the boundaries that we have set or it is disrespectful.
I totally agree that, whatever is said, it has to come from your DH because, otherwise, you come off as the bad guy no matter what.
Good luck!