Ugh - fell into the "who is worse off" trap with DH last night

Artslvr · April 2011

This is one of the ways our marriage takes a hit with a baby in the house.

We are sleep deprived, and on each others' nerves, and then we get into the "who is worse off" argument. It's always the same - we compare who had the more stressful work day/week, we compare who got less sleep that night/week, and in general we compare whose life is more stressful/tiring because the other person's life is just SO easy in comparison.

Blech. I don't know why I even fall into the trap. I see it coming, I know it's going to happen, and yet I fully participate, and we end up really mad at each other.

The fact is, DH is always going to "win" this argument, because he has by far the more stressful job. He does all the driving during our commute/daycare drop off and pick up (driving in rush hour traffic around here I think is more stressful than people even realize - it takes such a toll). I try to make up for it by being the one who more often gets up with DS in the middle of the night, but the past two nights DH heard DS first and went in to feed/rock him.

We've done this before and I know it's just a phase, and I know intellectually it's directly linked to how totally exhausted we are because DS doesn't STTN. But man, it stinks being right in the thick of it.

I have to wait until 6 months to Ferberize right? DS is a little over five months old and still wakes up 1, 2 and 3 times a night - almost like a newborn. It's getting really exhausting.

It doesn't help that I'm on day 14 of my period. Yes, you heard right, day 14. My OB/GYN is putting in my Mirena on Wed. and I hope that straightens me out a bit - I'm a hormonal MESS.

bh2720 · April 2011

oh man, that's so tough...all of it (especially the 14 day period, that's just mean!!!)

{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}}

rnin02 · April 2011

Ugh, I feel your pain. We have that argument too frequently, and even though someone "wins", no one feels good about it. Hopefully your DS starts sleeping better soon, that must be so hard having him wake up so often and then have to get up and function for work. No words of wisdom here, just hang in there! At least its the weekend now....

membrn · April 2011

I feel for you. I hate that argument.

Hope that your AF gets straightened out...that is horrible - 14 days!

slukd79 · April 2011

We have that argument too-- I hate it. But I don't have a good excuse like day 14 of my period... I think you are justified to feel the way you do!

kastle · April 2011

Well, fwiw, we did a modified ferber (allowing night feeding) at 5.5 months. He started waking up between feedings (so, like 4-6 times/night) and we couldn't deal, so we started ferber.

vtkgirl77 · April 2011

Hmm, that argument sounds familiar. We had that many time with DD was young so you are definitely not alone. There is a reason that militaries use sleep deprivation as torture...because it is. I hope things get better soon and that he start sleeping better soon. And a 14 day period. Uggh! I hope it ends soon.

Sofka · April 2011

I so feel your pain, I'm sorry. 14 day period on top of sleep deprivation sounds like a whole new type of torture! I didn't Ferberize DD til 9.5mo and DS just last week (still training!!) at 10.5 but they are eBFed. Since your DS is on formula, he should - theoretically - need less food at night. Maybe once you start solids? You can probably start solids like avocado this weekend, if he's 5.5 mo old.

AgrippaRidesAgain · April 2011

I am so sorry. We have that argument too, and it never gets resolved. I do all night wakings and stay home with the kids, so I feel like I have it worse, but DH does the commute and then comes home to daddy mode immediately. DS refuses to associate with me when DH is home. Is he showing signs of self soothing? I Ferbered DD at 4.5 months because she was fighting being rocked but screaming in the crib too. She could already occasionally put herself to sleep. Didn't drop night feedings, but it really cut down on the time that night feedings took. She has within the last week slept four consecutive nights without waking. I think she hit 14 lbs. She was close, and that was the magic weight for ds too.

rnin02 · April 2011

Sofka:
I so feel your pain, I'm sorry. 14 day period on top of sleep deprivation sounds like a whole new type of torture! I didn't Ferberize DD til 9.5mo and DS just last week (still training!!) at 10.5 but they are eBFed. Since your DS is on formula, he should - theoretically - need less food at night. Maybe once you start solids? You can probably start solids like avocado this weekend, if he's 5.5 mo old.

I know supposedly solids don't help with STTN, but I'm sure they did with us. Within the week of starting rice cereal my DS started sleeping better. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but I don't know.

Amy&Steve0421 · April 2011

I call it the pain olympics and it happens too frequently in our house.

zeptattoo · April 2011

Oh that arguement always sucks! DH and I finally came to the conclusion that neither of us had it "worse" we just had it "different." In other words, we both had it rough, but in different ways.

Useonfire · April 2011

Ha! I don't mean to laugh but we fell into this trap yesterday as well! We KNOW better too... that's the worst part. And, as PP said, neither of us has it "worse" just "different." It's also compounded by the fact that basically every single one of DH's family members is in town (including my MIL who I could write a whole separate post about) and while that is fun for the most part, it does stress DH out. It's even that much harder to cart a toddler around in the process.

Hey Jellisy · April 2011

You have my sympathy, we've been there too. Although I am most guilty of starting the argument since I am the most sleep deprived. The big downside to nursing...

DCtoLowcountry · April 2011

Hugs. We full-on Ferbered (cut out night wakings and feedings with pedi's OK) at 5.5 months.

NowDNAtoo · April 2011

So sorry to hear about the arguement with your DH and your never ending period. However, DS was up a lot at night and when I called my pediatrician when DS was 5 months old about his sleeping he said go ahead and sleep train him. They were fine with it at that point.