Bachelorette/Bridesmaid drama

rgeragosian · April 2011

Hi, I have a friend getting married this summer and i am one of her bridesmaids. I will be 8 months pregnant at her wedding (thanks for having us wear strapless short dresses )

Anyway she has a shower coming up that I am happy to go to, it will be fun. But the bachelorette is about 2.5 hours away, i will be about 20 weeks by then and its overnight, and frankly I cannot stand the sight smell or thought of alcohol.

Is it terrible of me to use my pregnancy as an excuse not to go? I barely sleep as it is, i love my bed, my house, my meals, and i just dont want to hang out with a bunch of girls who wish they were still in college to be honest.

Traycee1242 · April 2011

Honestly, get over it and go. It's just one night.

She must be a good friend if you are standing up in her wedding. I was in the same situation during my last pregnancy... I went out for the bachelorette party and ended up having a really good time.

It's okay if you leave early but at least make an appearance. I really get so annoyed when women use pregnancy as an excuse to not do things. It's not like you will be 39 weeks... 20 weeks is nothing.

Obviously I wouldnt' go into a bar where there is smoking (most cities are smoke free now) but can't you go for some of the festivities?

Mish2g · April 2011

Blame it on nausea...that's what I would do. Or, if she's really understanding, just tell her what you posted -- you have food aversions and alcohol is one of them. You could also add that you would be such a party pooper because you get tired quickly, etc etc. There are a bunch of pregnancy symptoms to blame!! If you dont want to go (and it really sounds like you dont), then you shouldnt. You wont have fun and will be (if you're anything like me) having a hard time pretending like you are while you're there. Your friend will read you as if you arent having fun with her instead of it being the I cant sleep, alcohol stinks, I wanna vomit sort of thing that it is.

Just be honest!!

festivus · April 2011

Be honest with your friend. Tell her your concerns about your aversions to alcohol and your fear of being a party pooper. An honest conversation is the only way to find out how upset your friend will be if you don't attend.

atc282 · April 2011

I'd just say you don't want to be the party pooper and hope she understands why you're choosing to stay behind for it. Maybe go and hang out with her another weekend if possible and have it be low key (like treat her to a mani/pedi or a mini spa day for you both?). I wouldn't think twice if someone declined to come to a drunken hoorah that was pg--you're in her wedding and a good friend knows that if you weren't pg, you'd obviously be at the bachelorette party. Don't sweat it. The less deal you make about saying "I'm not going to be able to make it" the better!

Skibunny07 · April 2011

By 20 weeks the sight and smell of alcohol will most likely pass. Honestly 20 weeks is like the least likely time you could use pregnancy as an excuse because thats usually when most people feel their best. You will most likely be over the nausea by then, you will have some of your energy back and you won't be big enough yet (I still was barely even showing at 20 weeks) for it to be too uncomfortable. For me, if I was close enough to this person to be standing up for them at their wedding then I would kick myself if I didn't go to their bachelorette party just because I was pregnant. I still go out with our friends all the time with my DH, to bars, to houses... I've been out a couple times until like 1 or 2 in the morning. Yea I"m tired but I'd rather being trying to live a normal life then be sitting at home doing nothing and being bored.

Nutrguru · April 2011

Just make an appearance. I understand how you feel though. I am in my friends wedding coming up in a month and I have been put in charge of the bridal shower, and most of the bachelorette planning and am not allowed to skip the bachelorette party even though I will be at 32 weeks. I am just putting a smile on my face and doing this for her because it's her day and she was there for me.

You can do it!

ermaderma · April 2011

At 20 weeks I would go, but definitely drive yourself so that if you do get sick or too tired, you can leave.

I will most likely be at least 36 weeks (date hasn't been decided yet) for my BFF's bachelorette party, and I am planning on going for the dinner, gift-giving/opening and maybe the first bar. But I am driving or having a ride on standby so I can leave when I want to.

PansyPants · April 2011

I would wait another couple of weeks to decide. At 12 weeks I still felt like crap but I'm slowly starting to feel up for more fun. Give it a little time and just let your friend know that your pregnancy is making your uncomfortable sleeping away from home.

BriannaHH · April 2011

Only go if you feel that you can have a good time, be enthusiastic, not whine, not be a martyr or dampen anyone else's good time. You know yourself best - if you don't feel like the above sounds like something you can do, don't go, for the bride's benefit, not yours.

Jason'swife · April 2011

festivus:
Be honest with your friend. Tell her your concerns about your aversions to alcohol and your fear of being a party pooper. An honest conversation is the only way to find out how upset your friend will be if you don't attend.

This. I wouldn't want to go either.

ababymaybe · April 2011

I had an (ex) friend totally ruin my bachelorette trip, so I am a little biased-- I think you should go, and try to have as much fun as possible. I know the overnight part sucks, but it's one night. Plus, if it's a trip, it sounds like there's a lot more to it than just the bar-- likely dinner, brunch the next day, plus the whole 'girls road trip' thing, no?

If you drive yourself, you can probably buy her a shot or two at the bar and duck out by 10 or 10:30ish, people should understand.

jkylie · April 2011

eh, i think you should suck it up and go. by 20 weeks most aversions will be gone. your 2nd tri is when you feel great. 1st and 3rd tri suck.

You dont have to make it an all nighter but duck out early. Your friend will be happy you were there and i think you will be too.

FunMom2Be · April 2011

Besides the smell of alcohol, are you having reservations about going because you can't drink and party? If it was me, I would crack a joke of some sorts about how i will be the only one there with the biggest set of boobs and don't want to make anyone jealous (lame I know) and I would just tell my friend the truth that it's not the scene for me right now, give her my deepest apologies, and offer something else to make up for the lost time. Like most people have said, if she is a true friend she would totally understand. I know I would.

c_washington · April 2011

Honestly, I wouldn't want to go either. Simply because a bachelorette party doesn't sound fun right now. Others have said that at 20 weeks you should feel good enough to go. Maybe you will. However, I think feeling guilted into something you don't want to do may make it worse for you. You may go and have a great time. You may not.

Is this something that you can leave the decision up to the last minute?

One of my Bridesmaids was pregnant and she called me the day of to say that she wasn't feeling up to it. That was all she said. I totally understood and there were no hard feelings. You shouldn't have to list your rationale (aversions, uncomfortable, bad sleep) because you are friends. I didn't need a list, I trusted that my friend wanted to celebrate with me but this wasn't a way that was comfy for her at the time. No big deal. She did take me for a mani/pedi later with just the 2 of us. Maybe you could do that with her?

Honestly, the 2.5 hr away thing would be enough for me!

I would avoid making any judgements of your friends friends. saying they "wish they were still in college" makes you sound bad. Not them.

lookingformommyland · April 2011

Traycee1242:
Honestly, get over it and go. It's just one night.

She must be a good friend if you are standing up in her wedding. I was in the same situation during my last pregnancy... I went out for the bachelorette party and ended up having a really good time.

It's okay if you leave early but at least make an appearance. I really get so annoyed when women use pregnancy as an excuse to not do things. It's not like you will be 39 weeks... 20 weeks is nothing.

Obviously I wouldnt' go into a bar where there is smoking (most cities are smoke free now) but can't you go for some of the festivities?

This. 2.5 hours is far, but you can go.

Nanner22 · April 2011

Jason'swife:

festivus:
Be honest with your friend. Tell her your concerns about your aversions to alcohol and your fear of being a party pooper. An honest conversation is the only way to find out how upset your friend will be if you don't attend.

This. I wouldn't want to go either.

This.

But then again I also think Bachelorette parties are a load of cr@p . If she is really your friend she won't be offended by the fact that you don't want to drive 2.5 hours away by yourself (so you can have an extra car) and then have to call it an early night.

I would though send a cute card with your friend with a little note that says something "enjoy the night bride-to-be...Now buy some drinks because they're on me" and have some cash in the envelope. By doing something like this she'll know that just because you're not there that you're still thinking about her, care about her a lot, and want her to have a good time.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

I'm in a wedding at 20 weeks, and the bachelorette party is a couple of nights before...it involves dinner, bars, hotel room, and brunch the next day. I will be going to dinner and brunch, and I'll probably go to one bar just long enough to buy the bride-to-be a drink. I'm not spending the night. Most of the women coming all know each other, and I don't know any of them. I don't really feel like being the pregnant woman in the bar, especially with a bunch of drunk girls catching up on times I was not a part of. Also, I fall asleep at like 11 every night, so the hotel is out for me. Luckily this is all happening 15 blocks from my apartment.

I wish I could have as much fun as I would if were drinking, but frankly, I won't.

panucci1314 · April 2011

I am in a wedding and I will be 33 weeks at the wedding. The bachlorette party is next weekend where I will be 28 weeks. I wouldn't be going if it was in a smoking bar, because I wont be around smoke. But we are doing dinner and a non smoking bar type thing so I am going and will make sure the bride to be gets home safe from me. I think thats the only reason not to go if its a smoking bar. I love my bff but I told her smoking can't happen with me. I realize its her night so I will suck it up be the huge prego girl at the bar n drinking water and we even joked I could do shots of cranberry juice with her:)

Hope&Faith&Love · April 2011

I would go if I were you. I was 21 weeks with DD#2, and I went to my good friends bachelorette party. I had a great time, and it was just fun to be with everyone. I wore a button that said virgin that created many funny moments as people did a double take when they saw my bulging belly.

GO! It will be worth it!

spinach · April 2011

I'm in the same boat, the wedding that I am in I'll be 36 wks for the shower and 39 wks at the bachelorette party and new baby will probably be around 4-6 wks when she gets married. I told her that i won't make the bachelorrette party and may not make the wedding if i am still not feeling well after delivery. My friend totally understand and said that i am still her BM whether or not i make it to the wedding and she still plans to put me in her program.

For another friends bachelorette party in Vegas i will be 21 wks and i totally don't plan to go.

Do what you feel like doing, if you don't feel like driving 2.5 hours and spending the night then don't go, don't feel bad about it.

jgoetz:) · April 2011

Jason'swife:
festivus:
Be honest with your friend. Tell her your concerns about your aversions to alcohol and your fear of being a party pooper. An honest conversation is the only way to find out how upset your friend will be if you don't attend.

This. I wouldn't want to go either.

I agree with this too. Listen to yourself, not a bunch of strangers.. Do what you feel is best for you and baby. Your friend will either understand or not, but won't cut you out because of making this decision.

mdotm0904 · April 2011

Traycee1242:
Honestly, get over it and go. It's just one night.

this!

Gummybear · April 2011

I would make an appearance and then go home. I went to one when I was 22w with DD, I stayed for dinner and the "toy party" part and skipped out on the bar. Seriously, 20w is nothing, you'll probably be feeling pretty good by then. It's a small sacrifice to make for a friend. You don't want to be one of those wilting flower pregnant ladies, if everything is going well and you are able-bodied.

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