Visiting to humbly ask for advice...

DancingLikeTheCrackers17 · April 2011

Hi ladies,

I come visitng to ask for advice, and if you want to ignore me for being rude and invading your board feel free. I just need help with how to encourage a friend.

I have a friend, B, who found out she was pregnant when she ended up in the ER for severe cramping and bleeding. They ran tests and found out she had been pregnant with twins and was miscarrying one of them. She's due in August. About 2 weeks ago, her water broke, but she didn't go into labor. She is now on very strict hospital bed rest until she goes into labor for fear she'll deliver to early and the baby won't survive.

As you can imagine (since you're here because you've lost a baby), she is a wreck right now. I really want to send her a card with lots of encouragement in it, but everything I can think of just sounds like not enough. I was hoping you ladies could help me.

Again, I'm sorry to intrude, but I'm hoping you understand I'm just trying to help a friend. Thank you.

1220winterbride · April 2011

I am really sorry for your friend. Her feelings must be so complicated i cannot begin to imagine her pain. I would try to be there and listen when she's ready but give her plenty of time and space. i just wanted DH for a long time.

Flowers are nice or a homecooked meal. really any acknowledgement that her loss is significant. short and simple is ok. i'm sorry

and remember she will have rough days and good days mixed together for a while. roller coaster. GL

ChelseyB5186 · April 2011

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. My advice isn't very complex, but it's just to simply be there for her. I know I had a lot of things to get off my chest when I had my loss, and I just needed someone to let me cry into their shoulder and talk about how I was feeling. I luckily have a very wonderful DH who was there for me, as well as my mother and grandmother who had also suffered losses, so it was very helpful to have people who had been in my position. I felt they knew what I was going through. It did not help however, the people who did NOT know what I was going through who said things like, "it happens for a reason", or "there's nothing you could have done." And while those things may be true, I know for me personally it felt like salt in the wound, and it hurt me to hear more than it helped. I would avoid cliche type sayings (again, my opinion only) and just simply be there for her. If you want to send her a card letting her know that you're here for her whenever she needs, I'm sure she would appreciate it. Good luck, and I'll keep your friend in my thoughts and prayers.

DancingLikeTheCrackers17 · April 2011

Thank you so much ladies. I'm sorry for your losses, both of you, but very grateful for advice from ladies who know what can help at a time like this.

ChelseyB5186:
It did not help however, the people who did NOT know what I was going through who said things like, "it happens for a reason", or "there's nothing you could have done." And while those things may be true, I know for me personally it felt like salt in the wound, and it hurt me to hear more than it helped. I would avoid cliche type sayings (again, my opinion only) and just simply be there for her.

These are exactly what I'm trying to avoid so thanks for the great suggestions of what to do/say instead.

KZ2010 · April 2011

My best friend, who has also suffered a loss, cried with me when I told her what I was going through and simply said "There's nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but I'm here for you and I'll listen." This was the best thing she could have said. None of the cliches which don't help anyway. I also hate sympathy cards. I've received two of them so far and while I know the people who sent them are hurting for us and just want us to know they're thinking of us, the cards themselves are just a crappy reminder and inevitably arrived in the mail at the moments I actually wasn't crying and they just set me off again. So, my suggestion is, no card. Just call. If she can't bear to talk right at that moment, she'll send the call to voicemail and call you back when she's ready to talk. There's very little the miscarrying women has control over, so let her have the control over when she wants to talk about it. She'll appreciate that.

MrsJC · April 2011

When I found out about my missed m/c, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone except DH. One of my friends understood this, and did something that really meant a lot to me. She went to a bakery and got us some cupcakes. She brought them to our house and left them on the front porch with a card. She didn't ring the doorbell or call to say she was coming over, she just left them there for us to find, which I felt was the perfect way for her to do it. I also thought the card was perfect...it was just a blank card and inside she had written something like "Something sweet to help you through this sour time." I really felt like it was the best possible way for her to show that she was there for us, and it felt like she really understood. For that, I will always be grateful.

IEtoLA · April 2011

I know right now I don't want to talk to anyone about my loss othe than DH, my parents and my sister. Others who know have sent flowers and a card. The one that touched me the most was from a friend who just wrote "I love you and am here for you". Just be there if she needs you and stay away from typical responses. It speaks volume when you are just there.

DancingLikeTheCrackers17 · April 2011

MrsJC:
When I found out about my missed m/c, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone except DH. One of my friends understood this, and did something that really meant a lot to me. She went to a bakery and got us some cupcakes. She brought them to our house and left them on the front porch with a card. She didn't ring the doorbell or call to say she was coming over, she just left them there for us to find, which I felt was the perfect way for her to do it. I also thought the card was perfect...it was just a blank card and inside she had written something like "Something sweet to help you through this sour time." I really felt like it was the best possible way for her to show that she was there for us, and it felt like she really understood. For that, I will always be grateful.

Okay this made me get teary eyed. I think this would be perfect for my friend and her husband.

amandachs · April 2011

I don't have much wisdom other than to offer your friendship and be there to listen. She will need that... For me it helped tremendously just for my girlfriends to be able to sit with me in silence and let me be sad.

I also want to say thankyou for your courage and wisdom in approaching us on this board. We all have had things said to us by people that, intentional or not, hurt and hindered our healing process. I am glad that she has you as a friend and that you cared enough to make sure that the way you reached out to her would be beneficial. Helping a friend is not an intrusion, in my opinion.

I will keep your friend in my prayers...

LIa0909 · April 2011

Two most memorable and wonderful response to our loss:

1) A card that said, "A hug? A casserole? A giant jug of vodka?" The inside was printed with, "Just tell me and I'll make it happen." My friend signed it simply, "This sucks and there is nothing I can say... But I am here."

2) The gargantuan bag of mixed chocolates with a post it note attached. Post it read, "Because nobody craves tuna casserole when they are sad. Let us know what else we can do."

Since your friend is still on hospital bed rest and is carrying one child... part of her feelings could include loneliness. While my hospital bed rest only lasted 4 days, IT SUCKED! What sucked most about it was the fear that if I resisted it, my child would die (she did, but hey that is why I am answering this from this board... not to be crass). So, for me visitors and treats helped a ton. (call first, ask if she minds if you come by just to sit with her. And be prepared to do just that. just sit with her.) During those short four days, my mom brought a stuffed dog (I was begging someone to sneak my real dog in), my brother in law brought my favorite ice cream, my mother in law and her sister came with manicure / pedicure stuff (this I passed on because I had a headache and didn't want the chemical smell but it was a nice gesture), and many friends came to just sit, bring a dvd, and hang out. Hospitals are horrific places and having people around gave me hope and helped me concentrate on something other than how sick I was.

It is very sweet of you to ask for advice here... approaching your friend during this time could be any balance of listening, offering anything she could ever want, watching bad hospital tv, crying with her.... but I think that any reaching out to someone confined to a hospital bed, will be appreciated.

Hope that helps and my thoughts and prayers will be with your friend.

SoonToBeMrsDTS · April 2011

*****sig warning*****

I agree with pps about what to say and not say. She may not want to talk about it yet but you could offer to come visit her in the hospital and bring her some books/magazines/crossword puzzles/sudokus. I have had friends on hospital bedrest and they say it is torture to be stuck in bed all day worrying. Also some non-hospital food might be appreciated as well. I've been hospitalized a few times and my mom always brought me home-cooked dinners a night or two to get a break from the cafeteria food.

DancingLikeTheCrackers17 · April 2011

amandachs:

I also want to say thankyou for your courage and wisdom in approaching us on this board. We all have had things said to us by people that, intentional or not, hurt and hindered our healing process. I am glad that she has you as a friend and that you cared enough to make sure that the way you reached out to her would be beneficial. Helping a friend is not an intrusion, in my opinion.

I will keep your friend in my prayers...

You will never know how much I appreciate you ladies taking the time to educate me. I knew you would know what to say and what not to say, but I was worried that I would come across as to presumptuous by asking. So thank you all for your good advice and kind words. And thank you especially for your prayers and thoughts for my friend.

hewinked · April 2011

I agree with a pp who mentioned some things to not say. I haven't had a pregnancy loss, but with losing my son, these cliches are not helpful. I hate the "time will heal" and "God's plan" nonsense. The best thing to say is that I'm sorry and I'm here when you need me. And then live up to that. I have a few friends that I know I can text or call day or night and they will always respond. I'm so sorry for your friend. She will be in my thoughts.

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