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Northern California Babies
Need to vent
I am tired of my ILs making all these special considerations for my BIL. He is the only single sibling my DH has and he suffers from depression and anxiety. For MIL's bday last month they planned her birthday party for a Sunday night, but refused to prepare dinner and have it ready until BIL got there from work which ended up being close to 7pm. Because they didn't start dinner sooner, it took until after 8pm for dinner to finish cooking, over an hour after E's bed time. They didn't want to hurt BIL's feeling and cause an issue with his depression by having dinner without him.
For Easter this weekend DH and I were happy to change the family celebration to Saturday so BIL could come since he is off on Sundays. Now we have been asked to change the time of our planned lunch so that BIL can sleep in and enjoy his day off before coming to our house. The lunch is now going to be during the time that E would be sleeping. So I have to make lunch twice, one for her and one for the rest of the family. Feed her, wash her up, do her nap routine, and then go back to fixing lunch for the family.
Oh, and DH and SIL's hubby wanted to go do something last weekend and MIL asked them to invite DH's brother because she thought he would enjoy to go and he has been feeling depressed lately. OMG! Can't DH and his BIL go out by themselves for once without having to invite the brother? It was an impromptu outing, yet they had to wait for BIL to wake up, and decide if he wanted to go or not.
I realize that depression can be a very big thing, I understand that. I am just annoyed that we have to tiptoe around BIL and make sure we don't upset him. What about upsetting my daughter and her schedule and how it inconveniences our family?
Ugh! I am not necessarily looking for advice or words of wisdom, I just needed to vent. I love my BIL but I am tired of the conveniences given to him, but not others.
If you read all that...here, you need this. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need to vent
Okay, I totally understand your frustration. DH's family is full of depression. DH now is on medication for it. Until I experienced it, I didn't understand it so I started going to his appointments and started asking questions.I was told by his therapist not to tip toe around depressed people and to treat them or expect things of them that you would anyone else. That cottling the person is being an enabler.
Is BIL on a treatment plan or on medication? If he is... the need to over sleep could be an indication that he needs to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. Also it is activity, not inactivity that helps the condition.
BTW... since my MIL makes up all of these crazy demands having to do with SIL sleeping in and whatnot, I can totally relate. The therapist said that I should set boundaries. If they can't do something until later because they are tip toeing around someone with depression to say, "I'm sorry. That doesn't work for us. We'll get together another time."
It is hard to say no but boundaries saved my sanity and marriage. The therapist said that there is a term for that. It's called Self Preservation.
Thanks for the advice. BIL is on medication and I believe sees a therapist regularly. BIL works for Wal Mart and he is supposed to be on a Sun-Thurs work schedule. I have called several times to talk to MIL when he should be at work but isn't. I found out this past week that when he gets anxious, he just doesn't go to work and will call in sick and MIL has to sit and babysit him. I understand having bad days, but I still have to be an adult and take care of my responsibilities like E and DH.
I think after this weekend, I am going to start putting my foot down about schedules when they GTG. Hopefully, since SIL is due in Oct, they will understand more about keeping to a schedule when they have a newborn.
Just a heads up.. When DH was just diagnosed, he was bad enough to call in sick from work due to anxiety too. His doctor prescribed him an "As needed" anti-anxiety medication. It was really awesome. Every time he'd get consumed by anxiety or overwhelmed by what was going on, he'd take one and it was like magic. He was back to normal. I don't know if MIL is receptive to advice but what about suggesting that she ask his doctor about it? It just sounds like he needs to dial in his meds a little more.
I'm glad you are going to stand up for yourself. The first time you do it, you may feel weird or bad about it but trust me, every time after that gets easier. You have a responsibility to your child. MIL is making choices for her. If they don't align, they don't align. Missing one dinner or holiday/family gtg is not the end of the world.
tiki gave some great advice about handling BIL.
Tiki can you PM me too with the name of the take as needed anxiety pill?