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Damn 16 & Pregnant!

mockninemocknine member
in VBAC

I had a c-section with LO a couple of months ago (my first baby) because my labor was not progressing properly.  I had a very hard time realizing that my birth experience was not going to be as I had always imagined.  DH and I didn't know what we were having, and we were so excited to have that special moment where they said "it's a ...!".  With the c-section, I didn't get it.  I guess my doctor was preoccupied making sure I was OK, that they didn't even say she was born.  I didn't know until she cried.  I always imagined DH cutting the cord, and them plopping my new baby onto my chest, and starting skin-to-skin right away.  Of course, none of that happened.  And then to top it all off, I have a baby and I'm still scared to death to give birth (vaginally).

So here I am tonight watching 16 & Pregnant, minding my own business... and this girl gets everything I wanted during delivery.  I sat here and cried, and felt bad for myself that I didn't get the experience I had always hoped for.  

I asked my doctor at my last appointment what future births would mean for me.  He told me that it was definitely possible to try VBAC, but that should there be a problem, the problem could be disastrous.  I've done some research and I realize that there is a small chance of the scar tissue rupturing, but I'm still unsure if that would be the path I would go in the future (I obviously have a while to think about this).  It pains me so much inside to think that I could possibly never have a vaginal birth; that I will never experience that rite of passage.

I just feel gipped.  I want to tell someone that it's not fair!  I want to not be sad about it anymore :(

So... thank you 16 & Pregnant for reminding me of what I missed out on!!  Grrrrrrr!!

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Re: Damn 16 & Pregnant!

  • soontobe05soontobe05
    I cry watching all these shows and think the same thing, but here I am now on the VBAC board close to having my second child and I get to attempt my VBAC. I know how hard it is to watch others get something you wanted so badly, but you will probably get your chance next time around AND, you still have a happy healthy baby girl. Keep your head up and look forward to the future and be happy you have your little girl with you now. She's beautiful. 
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  • cchill01cchill01 member

    You're not alone.  I think everyone who hangs out on this board has been there at some point. 

    As for your doctor's comments - the same applies to a C-section.  If something goes wrong, it can be disasterous - maybe even more so.  I would pay attention to comments like that when you start thinking about your next baby.

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  • nosoup4unosoup4u member
    Hang in there! It's still been so soon since your daughter's birth...it took me a full year to deal with DS1's birth, which also was an unplanned c-section. I would get really upset when other women had straight-forward vaginal births and then I felt like such a jerk for being jealous and upset about it. It's not a fun place to be. You still have time to sort out your feelings and decide about VBAC. And doing a VBAC is just as reasonable a decision a RCS is, it's not some crazy risky idea. hth and take care!
    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

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  • iris427iris427 member

    It's hard.  I know a lot of us can relate to the way you're feeling.  It just seems unfair, doesn't it?

    Your daughter's birth was so recent, give yourself time to process it and heal from it.  It's OK if it takes longer than other people think it should, and it's OK if you feel angry or guilty or cheated.  It gets easier with time.

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  • holly321holly321 member

    I feel your pain.  I just had my daughter a month ago, and I am having a really hard time dealing with her birth.  I not only had to have a csection, but I had to be under general anesthesia so everyone else got to see her hours before I did.

    I finally stopped doing this, but I would sit every morning watching shows like a baby story, wishing C sections on this people, and bawling when they got their vaginal/water birth.  

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  • preg_amypreg_amy

    I know exactly how you feel.  I can't watch most birth shows because the pain is still a little too raw. 

    It really has gotten better, though.  It used to be a lot worse.  Therapy helps. :)

    Hang in there.

    Mama to Elliot (11.09.08) and Jude (09.01.11)
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  • shibby00shibby00 member
    I know exactly how you feel and it just sucks.  I'm 8 months PP and I could just watch a birth show TODAY with no resentment.  It was a long road to get here, and I had to accept that in my situation I am not a good candidate for VBAC so I'll never get to see my DH cut the cord, hold my baby immediately, or any of that for future children.  At least your doc says you are a candidate.  GL and feel free to let those feelings/emotions out here!  I know for me nobody I know personally experienced what I did, or could relate to my feelings of resentment and loss of the birth I so desperately wanted.
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  • holly321holly321 member
    My BF just went into labor, I am having a really hard time dealing with that.
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  • mockninemocknine member
    I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories and support.  I know with time it will get easier, and I will just have to remind myself of that.  I never realized this board was here, but I'm glad I discovered it.  Thanks again, ladies.
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  • LurkieLooLurkieLoo member
    I STILL have a really hard time with it.  I'm pregnant and hopeful for a VBAC but I'm still nervous about it and bitter about Nolan's birth.  I JUST watched birth shows for the first time THIS WEEK without sobbing.  I still felt a BIG pang of jealousy though.  I was put to sleep for my c-section so I even feel jealous when I watch regular c-sections where the mom gets to see, hear and hold her baby right away.  I had to wait hours and even then I was so drugged I had no clue what was going on.   I also still can't talk about my birth story without crying.  It's really tough and it does get better but I kind of think its almost like a death.  The death of your dream birth so while it will get easier to deal with, it will always be there.
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  • papagenapapagena member
    ((hugs)) Like pp, I've so been there!  It did get better with time although it would hit me hard whenever someone I knew had a good birth experience or an unexpected moments.  It hit again particularly hard when I got pg again and had to deal with it all over.  However, I just had a fabulous VBAC in February, and I truly think that any birth experience where I felt more in control than I did last time would have done the same thing - I honestly can think about my c/s experience and not be filled with anger or regret. 
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  • Mamaof3JadeMamaof3Jade member
    You`re right! It isnt`t always fair! And, that sucks. My first delivery was very simliar to yours. I had planned for a normal, vaginal delivery. I ended up having a 30 + hour labour, only to get an epidural which didn`t work, and end up in an emergency c-section due to fetal distress. Since the epidural didn`t take (they think I had a reaction to it) I had to be put under general anesthesia for the section and didn`t get to meet my son until I woke up 2 hrs later. It was aweful! I had major feelings of guilt and shame for having to need surgery and not getting that picture perfect delivery. I too would cry at shows like "A Baby Story", when they had the borth story I dreamed of. I had some issues with PPD that year from all my guilt. I battled it though. And went on to look forward to my VBACs of the future! And I now have three healthy kiddos! My section boy, and my two VBAC girlies! There is hope for your natural birth yet, dont be discouraged. Im sure one day a little baby willl be placed right on your chest after birth. In the meantime though, remember, there was nothing you could do, its not your fault, you did amazing!
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  • elisbuelisbu member

    I could have written this post!!

    I had a c-section for other reasons, but I still feel very gipped. My doctor does VBAC but after talking to some friends who are L&D nurses, I am not sure I want to risk it.

    Like you I have some time to think about, but for now I hate that I may never feel a contration, may never have DH holding a leg while I push, and I will never have a labor story like most women.

     

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